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I could really use some non-judgmental advice about now....please


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
December 25th, 2009, 01:38 PM
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I'm glad I found this message board. I really need so honest non-judgmental advice. I've really gotten myself into a situation. I'm a mother of 3 wonderful children ages 16, 14, 12 and I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. I was on the pill when I conceived (yes, I did use it properly as well).

Now comes the horrible part about this whole situation. The person I am pregnant by is not exactly my boyfriend, even though we have been "seeing" each other for over a year. He's not my boyfriend because he is all ready in a relationship with someone else. I know, it's a horrible thing but I can't help how I feel about him, and I was ok with that. We had actually stopped seeing each other a few weeks ago.

He basically thinks everything will be ok, I'll have an abortion and that is it. Which is what I thought at first too. But, now I don't want an abortion. And that's where I need the advice. I don't know how to explain this too him, I have no clue what to say. I know me having this baby will cause all kinds of problems for him, some of which I'm sure will also fall on me (like his girlfriend showing up on my door.) I also know we both deserve the fallout.

A little back info. He never lead me to believe that he was going to leave his girlfriend for me, nor do I want him too. I mean he's cheating on her, and I know he would do the same to me. I am also not a rich person but I know I can afford to care for this child, if he would choice not to be a part of its life. Which by the way, I think he would still be there for the child if I choose to keep it. He does have a daughter from a previous relationship and he is a wonderful father to her. Oh and I know adoption is a wonderful option but, I do not want to give my baby away either.

So long story very short. I just don't know what to say. I really don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I told 2 friends, one said "you can't keep it" and the other said "I'm there for you" I love the second one more..lol. Please any support or input would be great.
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  #2  
December 25th, 2009, 06:55 PM
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Last edited by angelgiaccone; December 25th, 2009 at 06:58 PM.
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  #3  
December 25th, 2009, 08:21 PM
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I'm seriously in almost the exact same situation as you. MY baby's dad had a girlfriend and two kids with her (and I know her pretty well). Its definitely not easy and it makes you consider every single option out there. You'll get through this with or without him. Good luck, I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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  #4  
December 26th, 2009, 07:21 AM
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Personally, I'd keep the baby. Nobody should have to go through an abortion if it's not right for them. It's a traumatic experience in the best of cases and if you're not convinced you want to do it even more so. But what I'd do is irrelevant here, as only you can decide what's right for you and your existing children (let's remove the bloke from the equation momentarily).

I'd tell him I was going to keep it and that he can choose if he wants to be a part of the child's life or not. An important thing is not to have high hopes: are you, even subconsciously, expecting him to leave his girlfriend for you and become a happy family if you have his baby?

First you have to be honest with yourself re: your expectations. You also have to consider what *you* want and what is best for your kids. What this man wants or doesn't want is secondary.

Good luck with whatever choice you decide to make. My PM box is always open if you need to talk. I can't imagine how difficult this situation must be.
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  #5  
December 26th, 2009, 10:02 AM
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Hi and welcome! I think that you are making a good decision to keep the baby :-)

If I were in your shoes (which I kind of am except for the baby's father having a girlfriend), I would simply tell him that I have decided that I am going to keep the child. If he tried to convince me otherwise, I'd explain that my mind was made made up and that the decision wasn't open for debate. I'd explain that I didn't have any expectation of him being involved with the child's life, but if he did decided he wanted involvement, that it would be welcomed.

That said, once the baby was here, I would try to get child support from him -- in my opinion, the baby deserves the best life that you can provide for it, and I don't think it should suffer more financially because it's father doesn't want to be part of it's life.

I realize it might be extra difficult given that he has a girlfriend, but in my opinion that shouldn't have to be your problem. He was the one who chose to be unfaithful and not wear a condom. If she gives you trouble, you have a right to protect yourself against harassment -- contact the police and find out how you might go about getting a restraining order so that she doesn't harm you or your children. You and your children deserve to feel safe.

Please keep us posted on how it goes! I've had such a great experience on the boards here. We are here to support you, so keep coming back!
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  #6  
December 26th, 2009, 01:03 PM
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My baby's father wanted me to get an abortion at first, too. This is what I told him - you can choose not to be in this baby's life and if you change your mind, he will be here. If I get an abortion and then change MY mind, the baby is gone forever. That seemed to help him understand how I felt.

He is completely in love with our son now and a wonderful father.
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  #7  
December 26th, 2009, 04:13 PM
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Hi and welcome to JM

If I were in the situation I think what I would to is just tell him the truth. "I don't think I can go through with an abortion. I've decided to keep the baby because he/she is a blessing no matter the situation surrounding how they got here. I want you to know that I know it will be hard and that while I hope you're a part of their life only you can make that decision and I will respect it." Word it how you want but it gives him the information that you've decided to keep the baby and that he has the choice to be there or not be there. Hopefully he will be there in what capacity he can be. I also hope that he can make his girlfriend understand that she doesn't need to show up on your door. Not that you're innocent (I'm not judging you, I'm not a saint either!) but he's the one who betrayed her, she needs to direct it at him.. not you or the baby.

I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months and that you stick around on JM
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  #8  
December 26th, 2009, 04:18 PM
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i dont really have anything new to add, basically what it comes down to is YOU, take him completely out of the situation, pretend he doesnt exist, you need to decide if you want to do this, if you are prepared to be a single parent to a newborn. Yes he might be a great dad, he might be around, for all i know he might leave his gf for you. But you have to work under the assumption that he is going to do NOTHING, and make your choice that way.
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  #9  
December 26th, 2009, 05:08 PM
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Ditto what Bree said! That is what I did when making my decision. I figured out how I would do everything - from the logistics of taking care of a baby on a day to day basis to finances. I knew I could manage alone and made sure he knew that.
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  #10  
December 27th, 2009, 05:39 AM
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Aborting the baby when you don't want to is not an option.. He cheated and, if he experiences some consequences because of it than he should have expected it. It's really too bad that it happened this way.

I'd be frank. I'm keeping the baby, I could never forgive myself if I aborted. If you don't want anything to do with this child than sign over your paternal rights and you'll have no say or no relationship with this child and I will take care of him or her on my own.

I do hope, though, that once the shock wears off, that he'll want to be a part of this child's raising.

I'm not going to judge you or him, but I am going to say that when you both got into this situation there was a risk. I suppose this might not have been the risk you both thought you were taking but it happened... Life loves to throw curve balls at people!

Good Luck!
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  #11  
December 30th, 2009, 07:11 AM
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Sorry it took me so long to come back and thank you for the comments and offers of support.
As of right now, I still have no said the exact words ďI am keeping the babyĒ to him. But we did talk and I did tell him, I donít agree with abortion and donít believe I could have one. This was pretty much just to test the waters and see what response I would get. To my surprise he wasnít angry or upset, he basically just said that we are going to have a lot of tough decisions to make soon. He also wanted to make sure I was getting rest and eating right. So I donít think heís going to take it to bad when I tell him, my plans.

To the person who asked me if I even had the slightest feelings that, my babyís father and myself will be a happy couple, or that he will leave his girlfriend to become a family with the baby and me. I donít believe I would even want that. I know it would end with him just cheating on me anyway.

I already have everything figured out in the since of finances, day care, my other children, every thing I could think of. I know if he would choice not to be a part of this babyís life I could do this on my own.

I have my first appointment on the 13th of January. I canít wait to make sure the baby is ok. I also plan on letting the father know that day that Iím keeping the baby.

Thanks again for all the support.
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  #12  
December 30th, 2009, 07:49 AM
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It's so comforting when you can come to terms with an unplanned pregnancy and realize that it can be done and you don't have to rely on another person, if they do choose to not be a help.

I hope it all works out. Congrats and good luck!
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  #13  
December 30th, 2009, 01:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smr1019 View Post
Sorry it took me so long to come back and thank you for the comments and offers of support.
As of right now, I still have no said the exact words ďI am keeping the babyĒ to him. But we did talk and I did tell him, I donít agree with abortion and donít believe I could have one. This was pretty much just to test the waters and see what response I would get. To my surprise he wasnít angry or upset, he basically just said that we are going to have a lot of tough decisions to make soon. He also wanted to make sure I was getting rest and eating right. So I donít think heís going to take it to bad when I tell him, my plans.

To the person who asked me if I even had the slightest feelings that, my babyís father and myself will be a happy couple, or that he will leave his girlfriend to become a family with the baby and me. I donít believe I would even want that. I know it would end with him just cheating on me anyway.

I already have everything figured out in the since of finances, day care, my other children, every thing I could think of. I know if he would choice not to be a part of this babyís life I could do this on my own.

I have my first appointment on the 13th of January. I canít wait to make sure the baby is ok. I also plan on letting the father know that day that Iím keeping the baby.

Thanks again for all the support.
Congratulations on taking the first steps towards telling him!!

When I first told the baby's father I was pregnant, I was also too scarred to tell him that I was definitely keeping it. I had told him before I got pregnant that I could never have an abortion, but when he found out I was pregnant he tried to explain to me how that was the best logical option. I couldn't outright say to him I'm keeping it for sure, even though I knew I was. I told him I was 99% sure that I was keeping it, but that I was confused. Finally a week went by, and I knew I had to tell him I had made up my mind. He took it better than I expected, and said he already knew that I was going to keep it before I told him. When I first told him I didn't want it he said he didn't want anything to do with it, but has since said he will help share the responsibility raising it. I don't know if that will actually happen, but at least it felt like a little progress.
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  #14  
December 31st, 2009, 04:36 AM
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you keep your baby...
dont be scared of the gf....maybe the truth needs to come out. You do whar you feel is right...
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  #15  
January 3rd, 2010, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smr1019 View Post
To the person who asked me if I even had the slightest feelings that, my babyís father and myself will be a happy couple, or that he will leave his girlfriend to become a family with the baby and me. I donít believe I would even want that. I know it would end with him just cheating on me anyway.
That was me. I was just asking out of concern because unfortunately it happens a lot and it's best to be honest with yourself when it comes to expectations to avoid feeling disappointed in the future. I hope it didn't sound offensive or judgemental, that was not my intention at all! It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I hope it all works out for you. You can definitely do it!
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  #16  
January 3rd, 2010, 08:59 PM
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you do what you feel is best for you. If you want to have the baby then have it.
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  #17  
January 7th, 2010, 05:22 PM
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I am just lurking and I just want you to know that I am the baby in your situation...the only thing different is that my dad was married to my step mom and my dad was cheating on her and was having a relationship with my mom. My step mom was very upset when she found out that my mom was pregnant and that my dad and mom had been seeing one another for 4 years. I am now 22 and I am glad that my mom didnt have an abortion like she was going to...and my dad, mom, brother, sisters, and step mom are all happy that I am alive and yes it was hard to deal with being the one that was being cheated on(I have talked to my step mom about it) But she loved my dad and is still with him till this day! I have a big family...the only part that makes me cry every once in while is when my step moms family comes for the Holidays I cant go over and see them because her family doesnt know about me at all...so that is the only sucky part! But I am sure that you can get through it and you dont want to live with the WHAT IF if you were to do the abortion or adoption! (unless it is what you think is best) I dont usually come into this area of the site but I was bored and was lurking! I hope I helped you a little!
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  #18  
January 12th, 2010, 07:47 PM
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I think this decision is your decision. If you want to keep the baby, I say tell him straight up, and he will make his own decision as to what he wants to do. First off, its not really your problem that he is involved with someone else, and its not really your problem what he's going to say to her.. YES, you did know about her, but he's wayyy more at fault than you are, and he needs to deal with the consequences, just as you are.. He may not want a child, especially not by a girl who's not technically his g/f BUT, he had sex with you and sex= babies.

You will never be able to live with yourself if you have an abortion IF you don't really want one.. You also won't ever be able to be at peace if you give the baby up for adoption, IF you really don't want to..

You just have to tell him like it is.. He will make his own decisions, and there isn't much you can do about what he chooses to do.. He either chooses to claim the baby as his own, and stands up to be a father, or he doesn't.

You can also decide to take him to court for support (and posssibly paternity if he denies the baby) that is, if you are okay with the confrontation it'll probably create with his current g/f..
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  #19  
January 16th, 2010, 09:12 AM
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Just wanted to offer some support. I was with my DD's father but he opted out around 4-5 months pregnant. I told him it was either all in or all out. When he denied paternity and refused to sign the birth certificate I forced the issue. I took him to court and proved paternity and got child support. Then I went for full custody. All in all I spent around $40,000 on attorneys and court fees. Who knows what it comes to with missed days of work, transportation, etc? In the end he still wouldn't be a father so I asked him to sign over his rights, stopped child support and got legal full custody. It was the best decision I ever made! I have been doing it on my own for 3 years now and it's easier! Imagine that! I guess my point is that if you don't want to deal with the GF and you don't want to be with him and he doesn't want the baby then go ahead and do it yourself! You'll see that it will be fine in the end!
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  #20  
January 16th, 2010, 07:11 PM
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Good luck with whatever you choose!
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