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It has officially been a week since I found out I was pregnant.
This realization has drastically changed my life, and who knows where it leads now.
I was broken up with by my married boyfriend, found out I was pregnant, and lost my job because of it. This all happened last Thursday and Friday. Then Monday I lost all my money due to bank fees. And, Tuesday, my car decided that it didn't like to start any longer. I apparently pissed off the karma gods or someone, because this week was one thing after another.
Anyway, two weeks ago I did take a pregnancy test because I was late. It was negative, so I just assumed it was the stress of the job causing it not to start when it should have. Then, another week goes by. I have this sudden gut realization that I am pregnant. I went home, took another test. The stupid white application had a solid line and a faint plus sign. My heart sank. I called my mom right away, and freaked out. My mom, who is probably the closest person in my life, didn't react the way I assumed. She told me to go get another test, relax, and breathe. I did her advice and the first test just didn't work. Neither lines showed up. So, I took another. And.. yes, two lines showed up. I was pregnant. I know that these tests are pretty accurate, and when that hormone is in your body you're pregnant.
I flipped out. I started crying, yelling, hitting pillows. I eventually fell to the floor, cuddled up, and just bawled. I called some of my closest friends.. my mom.. I needed someone to come over and just let me cry to. My mom was the first one to help me rationally think through it. She told me to do what my heart says to do, and that either way she will help me get Medicaid, a place to live, find a job, anything in her power.
My mom's words calmed me down enough to call work. Thursday, I was about to have a panic attack, so I was told I could leave work early to "gather myself". I was also told that if I needed Friday off, to call and let them know. I didn't think this was suspicious or anything, since everyone else had been taking some time off. I called my boss's wife, who has control of the company, and explained to her that I just found out I was pregnant and needed to get to a doctor right away because I was in serious pain. She could tell I was upset, and told me to take the day off and get things handled.
I woke up Friday morning to make an appointment to see a doctor. Planned Parenthood was booked for the day, so I found another organization in my town that offered free tests, counseling, and sonograms. They were so welcoming and supportive. I walked in, spoke with a counselor about my feelings, what happened, how I think I will handle the situation, and just poured my heart out. She understood what I was going through- something more than unexpected.
I took another urine test. Positive. I knew it would be. I was offered a sonogram to see how far along I was, and I accepted. I needed to know, so I can know the father. I mean, I know who the father is, but just to be 100000% sure it is his. My drunken self had a little fun with two people, but only one could really be the farther. I know this.
The sonogram didn't go so well. Another thing added to that karma list.
There was a line of some sort missing, which means I was or am currently pregnant. However, the nurse could not find the sack, and she said this with much concern in her voice. I have been having cramps, that are very similar to my menstrual ones. When the sonogram was over, she spoke with me. She has a feeling that I am in the process of miscarrying the child, or I may be going through an ectopic pregnancy. Either way, bad bad bad. Oh, and right after this appointment, I was fired. So awesome.
So, I'm pregnant. I'm only 24. I have no money. I am still in school (I'm in my last class and then will have a bachelors). The guy will never be in my life. The guy will always deny that the baby is his. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm fat. I feel disgusting. I feel unwanted. I feel like I can't make a decision. I don't know what to do after a week. I have partied really hard for the past month, not knowing-- what if the baby is messed up now because of all the drinking and things. I know I messed up. I know all of this could have been avoided.
Oh, and I told the guy two nights ago. He was shocked at first, and then started telling me that he would do what he needs to do. He doesn't think that we had sex when I had gotten pregnant, since he was too drunk to remember. However, I told him that I wouldn't make him responsible for anything until I had a paternity test. He came to his senses, respected me, said he was attracted to me. Well one thing led to another, and we had sex. As soon as it was over, he ran out of my apartment. Called me and told me that he doesn't want to be trapped, and I have trapped him on purpose. (Except I NEVER wanted children, gave him a condom, never planned for a baby to be in my life). He said do what I want to do- kill it and he will be happy or he will sign over his rights.
So awesome week. I go to the doctor again Tuesday to find out more about what is going on.
I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading this.