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unplanned and unsure... deciding to keep the baby or end pregnancy


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 9th, 2010, 10:13 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sorry this is going to be long....
i'm 24 yrs old and just found out yesterday that i am 4 wks and 2 days pregnant. my boyfriend (29) and i have only been together for 4 months and we just moved into our new place together a week ago. since the day we met we fell head over heels for each other and have talked non stop about our desire to have a child. we picked out names and everything. we weren't trying to conceive but didn't do anything to prevent it and both of us were convinced that i wasn't able to. neither of us have insurance and are constantly torn by our jobs as we are both in the adult industry and constantly putting all of our money into paying off debt or bills. we don't have much left over money for ourselves. with this is in mind, i informed my bf of my pregnancy yesterday and it has been a whirlwind of emotions leaving me confused , angry, depressed and at times excited. his reaction was that of shock and since yesterday he's gone from saying that he's scared but we would make it work and that abortion isn't an option, to completely removed from the situation ( not talking to me, not comforting me , acting as if it isn't real) to a terrible fight in which he expressed his feelings of absolutely ending the pregnancy due to his fear of our financial situation, being able to support our family and not being able to really experience and have fun together in our relationship (traveling, going out, etc.) and saying really hurtful things to me and that i'm being selfish and that i'm crazy because we can't take care of a baby and that i'm thinking only emotionally and that at this point in the pregnancy it's not yet a life its just cells so i just take a pill and it will go away and then we can have one when we are ready. he saw that this really upset me and i've been zombie like all day. he apologized and reassured me that he didn't mean anything he said he's just never been in this situation and he's scared and its my body and whatever i decide he will support me indefinitely.

I am now so incredibly confused as to which route to take, i know in my heart that it wont be easy but i know he will be a great dad and even though the pregnancy will be stressful that once the baby comes he will be so in love that all those things wont matter because together we will find a way to make it work...
on the other hand neither of us have insurance, i can't be working in the adult industry carrying a child or after the child is born even and neither of us have a career or schooling to find one , on top of that i just wrecked the only car we have and money is already an extremely stressful subject and we don't live near family to help us with anything.

i know that a child will change our whole lives but i'm worried that if i keep it we will always be struggling and i wont be able to properly provide for it and that stress alone could tear the family apart or cause resentment in myself because i know in my heart that my bf is not wanting this baby right now , but if i end the pregnancy i will feel guilty and severely depressed for my choice and possibly resent myself or my bf for not being able to figure out a way to make it work...can anyone give me some non judgemental advice...i desperately need it. thank you
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  #2  
July 10th, 2010, 12:44 AM
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Hey. I don't want to put my personal life out here in the open but if you want to message me at DeCal0308@hotmail. com I can give you some advice from personal experience. I am not here to judge you but I would like to help! I hope things work out for you! and I'm here if you ever want to talk!!
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  #3  
July 10th, 2010, 01:18 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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how do i email you? i'd really like to hear what you have to say, i'm going through so much right now!
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  #4  
July 10th, 2010, 06:44 AM
laurabelle's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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hi there. just a bit about my experience. my fiance and i were dating only a month when i found out i was preg. we were floored, not planned at all. neither of us have insurance, he works in a restaurant and ihave a part time job. we kept the baby, he was just born in june.

somehow, we were able to make it all work. one thing i did not do which i would encourage you to do immediately is apply for medicaid for pregnant women. they HAVE to cover you. my df is taking a career training class in the fall so he can get a better job for the time being and maybe eventually go back to college and get a degree.

it is, of course, your choice but i just thought i'd let you know it CAN be done. people with even less than most do it everyday. also, adoption is a good option too.

hope you are able to figure out what is best. good luck!
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  #5  
July 10th, 2010, 05:12 PM
MrsHoot's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,822
I have never been in the position before, but I would think you may want to take a couple of days to think about your situation and get used to the idea or either being pregnant, or ending the pregnancy.

From what I've heard or seen from tv (really bad example I know!) a lot of people have regretted getting an abortion. Would either of you be able to consider adoption? Also, my brother and his wife have 2 kids and they financially have never been able to afford it. But I believe they take advantage of the programs available to low income families or new mothers.

Not sure I helped at all, but I hope that you make the best decision for you and your BF! I usually ask for signs when I am at a loss for what to do. Usually there's something that points me in the right direction!
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  #6  
July 10th, 2010, 06:40 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Hi. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

When I read your post, it seemed to me that you want to keep the baby. It seems like you were sort of happy (though also nervous, worried and confused) before you talked about it with your boyfriend. I don't blame the guy for his reaction, if there's anything you get to freak out about, it's an unplanned pregnancy. I know the financial situation is tight, which is probably what's fueling the majority of his negative reaction, but I just wanted to agree with the previous posters that it CAN be done. If kids fresh out of high school can raise a baby, then so can you.

About ending the pregnancy, if you think you will feel guilty and depressed about it, you probably will be. The whole idea seems to have depressed you already. It seems like you want a baby, maybe not in this financial situation, but still, you have names picked out. It seems like you argued with your boyfriend to keep the baby. If I'm right (and hey, I could have read it wrong) then go for it. You might have to scrimp for a little while, but there are other jobs. It seems to me that you are strong enough to raise this child.
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  #7  
July 10th, 2010, 09:52 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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thank you to everyone who has responded to my post, this is such a difficult thing...his feelings are all over the map leaving me extremely confused at the end of the day...today he says have it and we will figure it out and now wants me to tell my mom...i just know that at a certain point in my pregnancy there is no turning back ...i just get nervous he may change his mind again...
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  #8  
July 12th, 2010, 12:49 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
No one is here to judge...we are here to support, give advice, personal perspective, etc. It can be done though of going thru this pregnancy and being able to do it even on a tight budget situation. Alot of people have done it and I'll admit I'm one of them. What's more important also is if you're able to provide your baby the unconditional love, the nuturing, showing them the caring and the humble you gain. Babies are considered a blessing and everything happens for a reason. If you already know about how you will feel the effects of an abortion then it's not worth the depression or the gulit because that is something you will live with the rest of your life and it's not a simple move where you can change it or take it back. I would highly recommend adoption since there are women who cannot have babies and would love to have one and willing to adopt one. I have gone thru a roller coaster of emotions with my previous pregnancy and if you have any more questions or want to talk personally and i would be happy to answer any
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  #9  
July 12th, 2010, 12:34 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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You have been given some really good advice, but I will add that you do NOT need to base your decision on keeping or giving up the baby on what your BF wants. I know you want to think this relationship is for the rest of your life, but you just don't know that. What you can be very certain of is this...if you have an abortion and you really didn't want to, but did it because the BF wanted you to, then you WILL have to live with that for the rest of your life. I know, I have been there, and it is so much more painful than I ever imagined it would be at the time.
If you keep the child, that is also "for the rest of your life". Step back and make the decision that YOU can live with, not considering what HE wants (guys usually always lean towards what they see as the "easy way out" if it was unplanned). Ultimately, this impacts you so much more than him, and you need to make the decision.

If I could go back and change my decision that I made 24 years ago to have the abortion that my ex-boyfriend wanted, I would! He convinced me that it wasn't really a baby, just a ball of cells blah-blah. He convinced me we'd never be able to make it, etc.

If you want to keep the baby, go to the health dept. and get a pregnancy test and tell them you need to apply for pregnancy medicaid (it will cover EVERY penny of your pregnancy costs and birth). If you are low income, you will get it, effective immediately. Do NOT let him influence your decision, and make sure you get yourself to a place where you can think about all this without his influence.

Message me if you want to. (((Hugs))))
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  #10  
July 12th, 2010, 04:17 PM
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Hey there. I normally just lurk here, but pop in with something to say once in a blue moon. My own pregnancy was very much unplanned too.

First and foremost, in considering ending the pregnancy or not, just remember that this is YOUR body this is happening to and you are the one who has to wake up and face each day with whatever choice you make. Other people come and go in our lives and there are times where the most important thing is to consider yourself first.

As some of the other girls have said, go down to your local health dept and apply for medicaid. Honestly, that alone has been a real life saver for me. And usually when you get pregnancy medicaid, they also sign you up for WIC and see if you're eligible for foodstamps too. There are so many programs out there that can help you if you decide to continue this pregnancy and keep your baby. I never realized just how much was out there until I was in the position to need it.

You also mentioned not having the schooling to pursue a better career... Even though it wouldn't be immediately helpful to your financial/employment situation, I'd also suggest going online and filling out a FAFSA for a pell grant and take some classes online even. I've also heard stories of people who got the pell grant, were taking classes and still had money that helped cover their bills from that too.

Even though my pregnancy was unplanned, I have found that with the help of a lot of these programs that are in place to help people be able to get through, this whole experience has planted a drive to do so much more with my life. I've finally enrolled for college classes, sold my truck and got a mini-van so I'd have child-friendly transport, and am gathering the pieces to set a foundation to build a better life for myself and my baby.

I hope everything works out for the best for you. My inbox is always open dear.
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  #11  
July 15th, 2010, 07:31 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by debsbaby View Post
What you can be very certain of is this...if you have an abortion and you really didn't want to, but did it because the BF wanted you to, then you WILL have to live with that for the rest of your life. I know, I have been there, and it is so much more painful than I ever imagined it would be at the time.
(((Hugs))))
I have been there too and 10 years later it still haunts me at times.... Our relationship never recovered and we went our separate ways. ((Hugs)) I am sorry you are going through such a hard time and tough decisions. We are here for you whatever you decide.
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  #12  
July 17th, 2010, 06:42 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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good luck with your decision.

It sounds like you want to keep the baby and you sound strong enough to do it on your own if you need to
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  #13  
July 18th, 2010, 10:18 AM
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I really wouldn't suggest abortion. Go on with the pregnancy and try to think about adoption. Hopefully before you give birth, you have already thought about what you would want to do. I also believe that there are other things you can do for a living aside from being in the adult industry.

Good luck, girl!

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  #14  
December 17th, 2010, 12:07 AM
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have you thought about adoption? Many families out there would love to adopt.
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  #15  
December 20th, 2010, 05:25 AM
Purrrrrrr's Avatar Semi-crunchy Mommy
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Just lurking around, but I thought I'd put in my two cents.

I'm sorry that you have to make this choice. Your situation sounds very similar to mine when I was younger. My husband and I were only dating a little while and we'd just moved in together too when I found out I was pregnant. I'd been taking birth control too, but apparently the wrong dosage. I opted to end the pregnancy due to financial and emotional reasons. I simply was not ready to be a mother.

But it sounds like you want to keep the baby. He's a guy and most guys have dollar signs flash before their eyes when you say the words, "I'm pregnant." You will have to make some major adjustments to your budget, but you've got nearly a year to do so.

Let us know what you decide so we can be there for you either way.
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  #16  
December 20th, 2010, 06:03 AM
beckii's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was reading through this & realized it was from 6 months back. Is there any update?
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