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For the first time, I don't want this


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 15th, 2010, 05:54 PM
braeden&chase'smom's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tucson AZ
Posts: 210
I'm 38, have 2 boys, ages 3 and 1. I wanted these two very much, I have always wanted 2 boys and my husband and I are completely content with just 2. So when I took a HPT this week and found out that I am now 5 weeks PG I am practically devistated. I have never had feelings about a pregnancy like this before. I don't think I can handle 3, we were using protection, so this just should not be happening to me right now. We absolutley cannot afford another child, I am not at all ready to go through this again since my son is just now turning 1. But how can I think of ending this PG after having 2 beautiful sons that I adore. Should I go with my gut on this one? Something very strong in me is just telling me that this isn't the right time; as a matter of fact I know that if I don't go through with this that we are absolutely done having children, I will have my DH taken care of. And on that note, when I told my DH, he told me that this decision was up to me.. hey nothing like support right! I have been mostly stressed becuase we just got back from vacation, and I drank a lot during the past couple of weeks. My OB tells me it should be fine, still something is telling me this is not right. Thanks for letting me get this out, any advice?
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  #2  
July 15th, 2010, 08:15 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
It is hard when one is hit with an unexpected pregnancy. I wish I could give you the magic answer but it is really up to you. If you are 5 weeks pregnant you have some time to think about it.

Tell your DH that it isn't totally up to you and that you need his support right now!

ps. I have 3 teenage boys. 3 is no harder than 2.
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  #3  
July 17th, 2010, 04:07 PM
ashleykathleen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,612
I think this is definitely a decision that you should be making together, otherwise it could ultimately wreak havoc on your relationship. My boyfriend tried to tell me the same thing when I found out I was pregnant this time around. I told him I could really use his input and support. When it came down to it, he and I both realized that we couldn't live with ourselves if we ended the pregnancy...especially since we planned on having kids someday anyway. Your situation is obviously different though.

I am the oldest child of 9 kids. For what its worth, my mother always tells me that the biggest challenge is going from no kids to 1 and then from 1 to 2. She says after that its just a matter of playing zone defense.

I would say that if finances are the main reason you are considering not going through with the pregnancy, you and your husband should sit down and really look at your budget. Are there things you can cut back on, opt for gently used clothes/furniture, bargain shopping, etc while all of the kids are still small?

Good luck in whatever you decide!
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  #4  
July 17th, 2010, 07:37 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 39,401
I agree this is a decision you have to do together.

what are your thoughts on adoption?

Good Luck with your decision
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  #5  
July 20th, 2010, 06:36 PM
viXen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York
Posts: 17,553
Sorry I am just lurking here but I felt like I needed to give my input!

I have two girls, my oldest looks to be a year older than your oldest and our youngests are just about the same exact age! Willow will be 1 on the 22nd.

I am currently almost 14 weeks pregnant with a baby that took us by alot of surprise. I am still not excited. I dread the idea of 3 kids.

But it is possible and everything works out in the end. Sure, you think people just say that to be nice and supportive.. but no, its true! Both my girls were unplanned too but we have always made it through and are in a good spot right now. Sure it is scary and down right depressing to realize your going this pregnancy stuff all over again when you really really don't want to, but in the end I think it will be so worth it! I hug and kiss my girls and realize that the 3rd won't be a burden, but just another little person to love.

The decision is one for you both to make as a couple, but I felt the same way when I found out I was pregnant with this one. It has gotten better the farther along I have gotten. Good luck!
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  #6  
July 21st, 2010, 05:07 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
All but one of my babies have been unplanned. I can't imagine my life without having had any of them, even the two that didn't get to stay.

I have those feelings too when I find out I'm pregnant. Then I look at one of my girls, and imagine life without her. Emptiness creeps over.

Then I realize the baby is coming no matter what...
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  #7  
July 23rd, 2010, 11:26 AM
MamaMandy's Avatar is it Spring yet??
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 383
No matter what you decide, it is a decision that you will live with every day of your life. When I found out I was pregnant, my gut reaction was just like yours, though our situations are different. I wanted an abortion. I wanted it all to just go away, to not be pregnant at all, I wanted the **** clock turned back and I most definitely did NOT want another child. Like you, I thought how can I possibly even think about an abortion - having had a child, and knowing what it's like to be a mother, how could I want an abortion? It took a lot of soul searching before I realized it wasn't so much that I wanted an abortion as I wanted this all to just go away, poof, like it never was. And that while an abortion would make the child go away, it would not make the fact I got pregnant go away. I would have to live each & every day either knowing I aborted a child and dealing with the ramifications of that, or I would have to live each and every day as mother to another child and dealing with the struggles of that. BUT I've come to realize that, for me, the days of struggle with a child will also have rays of joy & brightness because of that child, there will be great moments too. I tried to imagine days where knowing I had aborted bringing me joy and could only imagine guilt, shame, hating myself for having an abortion. I know there will be days I am near insane from raising this child, but I can't imagine hating myself for keeping the baby.

I don't know if any of all that makes sense to you or helps you think about things, but I hope so. I am no expert by any means but I think it's important to recognize abortion doesn't make it all go away, and that women should try & imagine the rest of their lives 1) with the child and 2) post-abortion when deciding whether or not to abort. I know some women will be more at peace with aborting, that others are better adjusted mentally than me and better able to move on with their lives, that some women won't think about it so much. I also know I live with enough shame & guilt and that I WOULD think, oh the baby would be crawling/walking/starting kindergarten/a teenager/graduated at every milestone. I kinda get why your husband MAY be saying it's your choice, he may not want you to feel presssured either way or that he'll think less of you or resent you for what YOU can best live with, and let's face it even the BEST dad in the world still is not a mother, there is just something about carrying the child and the bonding and being a woman that makes us different from that father and those differences make choices like this I dunno, MORE to the woman. At least that's my take & opinion, for what it's worth. But I do think you & he need to be on the same page with this, and regardless of all I just rambled it IS his child too, and he too will have to live with whatever choice is made for the rest of his life, and how he feels/acts/what he does is a crucial part of the 2 scenarios you visualize and impacts your choice. I feel for you, it is an awful, heart wrenching, self doubting, crazy-making spot to be in and not one I'd wish on anyone. Even after I decided to keep the baby, I still have moments when I wish I had aborted, even thinking that make me feel terrible, but it's true. I still, at 23 weeks, am not attached to this baby like I was my first and still feel way more dread than excitement. I just put faith in myself and the miracle of having a child to bring things around, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That is the choice I can live with, even if it is and will be hard some days. I sure hope that you can somehow someway figure out which choice you can best live with & is best for your family, then have peace and security with whatever you decide. Hugs, strength & clarity to you!

"We absolutley cannot afford another child, I am not at all ready to go through this again since my son is just now turning 1. But how can I think of ending this PG after having 2 beautiful sons that I adore. Should I go with my gut on this one? Something very strong in me is just telling me that this isn't the right time; as a matter of fact I know that if I don't go through with this that we are absolutely done having children, I will have my DH taken care of. "
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  #8  
July 24th, 2010, 02:04 AM
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I believe everything happens for a reason...and that's easier said than done. I felt like the way you did once upon a time with my third pregnancy. By the time I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks with my third...my daughter (oldest) was 2 1/2 years old and my son (middle child) was 6 months! I was blown away and couldn't imagine adding another baby to my two previous children and i was really content with my one girl and one boy. At first I accepted the pregnancy then eventually I went through an emotional turmoil with my husband at the time which made me want to abort the baby many times. I couldn't stand the fact I was pregnant and couldn't handle it and I was sure that things weren't going to work out of me having this baby. At the same dealing with those emotions...my husband bought to my attention, if i were to get rid of this baby then it's like I'm getting rid of our other children which I didn't really look into that perpective and not only that but he wanted this baby. I was in denial for the longest time. I realized though, I truly don't think I could handle the abortion, knowing what they do the baby, and the after effects. I belive it would have scarred me emotionally and mentally in a way since the fact it is a part of me. Not only that but they always explain what the prodecure is and have you watch a video how everything is so easy but the one thing they don't warn you about is....the guilt you live with for the rest of your life. I'm defintely the type of person who have dealt with that maybe not daily but imagining what my life would have been like and on this day is my due date, would have been one year old, so on so forth. I did have my baby and life has its ups and downs but I'm glad I carried on through my pregnancy and I couldn't imagine my life without my baby boy and to see him smile at me...i feel guilty just knowing I wanted to abort him at one time. My husband and I were worried about the finanicially situation but we're doing just fine...all the worse thoughts and the non stop worryings were just a waste a time and in the end everything is okay and it worked out
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  #9  
July 27th, 2010, 10:15 AM
Ilovbnamomx3's Avatar Mommy to 4 boys
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: usa TX
Posts: 1,219
Hi! I'm Dawn - 37 and 21 weeks pregnant. Trust me - I have felt the way you are feeling many days during this pregnancy. My boys are 12, 12 and 13. My fiance's son is 17... I got engaged in March and found out I was pregnant in Arpil. I was on Nuvaring and got pregnant out of the blue! I was toatally devastated. A 5th child?? Seriously?? Why would I want to start my life all over again when I just started enjoying it. I STILL have the thoughts and depression about having a new little one totally dependent on me.

I however, am not someone who could live with myself and not having the child. I know as hard as things seem - they still work out in the end. Fortunately for me too,my fiance has been very excited from day 1. As the pregnancy as progressed, it's taken me a while to feel bonded...and start to get excited but I am getting there. 3 kids are not much harder than 2. I got 3 within 16 months! My son was a year and 4 months when the twins were born. (who were also a shock, btw)!

I think you need to let the shock wear off and talk with your husband. Best of luck and kup!
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  #10  
August 3rd, 2010, 09:50 AM
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Posts: 37
Hi -- I'm new to this board, but reading it makes me feel a lot better (not so alone) about having ambivalence about this baby! I want to kind of play devil's advocate here, since you seem to be getting a lot of advice that is for you keeping the baby. I think that having the option to have an abortion can sometimes give you a big enough sense of freedom that you get out of that "trapped" feeling and can make a more clear-headed decision. The first week I was dead set against having it, and in a lot of pain about feeling that my life was basically over. When I realized that this truly was my choice and the pregnancy was so early, I was able to calm down. I still haven't decided for sure, but I don't think that having an abortion makes you a bad person or means you're going to live in regret for the rest of your life. I know women who have had abortions and it did not scar them, but was the right decision for them at the time. Some of the women already had children and some of them didn't. I think it depends on your beliefs and what your heart tells you. It's not always pretty, but somehow everything does seem to work out. Give yourself the time you need to make the decision. Take care of yourself!
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  #11  
August 22nd, 2010, 08:30 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,551
I'm just lurking but I think everything happens for a reason and that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

I understand the shock of unplanned pregnancies. I agree with a PP that you should truely let the shock wear off. And look at your babies' newborn pics. On the same note, if you are planning to abort, do it asap. Everyday that baby grows and hits new milestones.
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  #12  
August 23rd, 2010, 10:38 AM
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I also believe everything happens for a reason. My SO and I had both TTC with our past partners, and it never happened. Now after only being together 6 months, I'm pregnant. I've had my doubts since I'm young, and we're financially unstable, but we're both very excited and I'm now working two full time jobs so that this child will have all it needs and then some. I'm sure you will make the right choice, whatever that may be. Good luck. :hugs:
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  #13  
December 17th, 2010, 12:54 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
Hey have you thought about adoption? My husband and I are trying to find someone who will do a private adoption for us. If you know of anyone, please keep me in mind. I am here to chat with you anytime! Hang in there and take care!

MindyAnn
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