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So very confused and emotionally torn


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
September 19th, 2010, 10:41 AM
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I am new to this site and just introduced myself in the new members part of this board first. Just a little background info, I am 25 years old, currently enrolled in online classes which I am looking to be done with by the end of this year/beginning of next year. My mom is Korean and is very old fashioned and traditional and is supposedly this "god-fearing" woman, and my father is black and retired from the military, and I now live in a military town BUT not with my parents. I stay with a friend. Okay I think those are the necessities for what I am trying to explain to you all...NOW I will try to make this story easy as possible to follow so please bear with me.

I was supposed to start my period on Sept 6th and it didn't come. My period is like clockwork...it's always 26 days apart and it only lasts for about 3-4 days. Well when my period didn't come on the 6th, my instincts told me that I was pregnant and I was right. I took an EPT on the 8th and it immediately showed positive. This was unplanned so of course I wasn't happy. After getting my thoughts together I looked at my cycle calendar and went online to an ovulation calculator and calendar site and turns out that I would have started ovulating on August 20th which is when I had unprotected sex with my roommate who just got home from Afghanistan, lets call him "GUY A". WELL, on the 21st is when I had sex with another guy, lets call him "GUY B" (unprotected YES I know, very stupid. Usually I am very adamant about using condoms but am lax about it when it comes to guys I have known and been with before. YES AGAIN, I know, VERY stupid and no one should follow my way of thinking!) The issue I am having is that I don't know who the father could be, but it is definitely one of these two. They are the only people I slept with in August. Neither one of them "finished" inside of me, they both used the pullout method so it's not like I can place blame on one of them and pin it on them.

When I found out I was pregnant I told Guy B first. He was very supportive bc his dad is a pastor and he's catholic and he said that he would encourage me to keep the baby BUT that he would support me either way in my decision and if I decided to keep the baby he would actually "be there" for me at appointments and etc. and then after I had the baby, to get a paternity test and find out who the father is, and go from there.

Well telling Guy A was not so easy. He's my roommate who has a GF that he moved into our house a few days after we hooked up (no idea he was going to do this) and he got home from overseas. I don't really get to talk to him one on one bc he is CONSTANTLY occupied with his GF so I txt him and told him that I was pregnant and that I had already told the other guy and that I know for a fact one of them is the father. He txt me back asking what I was going to do and I said I didn't know yet bc I hadn't even told my parents or gone to the health department to get a second test to confirm, even though my body is telling me I am 100% pregnant. He then txt me again and said that he would support me in my decision, but if the baby turns out to be his then sleeping with me was a "mistake that shouldn't have happened", but he would support me if I wanted to keep it. What really upset me was his main concern in the following texts were that his plans to marry his current GF would be ruined if this kid turned out to be his, (which I really don't give two craps about his relationship) and that he would be in Germany so his excuse was that he wouldn't be here at the drop of a dime.

The REALLY ugly part about this story is that both of these guys are STILL MARRIED. Both men are separated and in the process of going through a divorce. Both men are in the military and they aren't just some newbies, they have good ranks. What makes me sick is that I think that both of these guys really just want me to have an abortion so it won't ruin their lives or possibly even their divorce proceedings.

Now on to what I want to do. I really want to keep this baby. I know I don't have a job but I will be done with school shortly and what I'm going to school for (Medical Transcription) I can work from home and it would be convenient for me. Also, I know plenty of girls I went to school with and had kids and they said that North Carolina gives out really good help to single moms and that I can apply for Medicaid so I can get healthcare throughout my pregnancy, and then when I find out who the father is, they can then pay for Tricare for the baby (military insurance). I have friends to support me and told me that they will give me a place to live and get me out of this situation (living with roomie and GF), that they will be there for me every step of the way.

One reason why I want to keep this baby is because when I was 17, I was pregnant and had an abortion. No one knew except for me, my best friend, and the guy who got me pregnant and the reason I kept it a secret is because I really feared what my mom would do to me if she found out I was pregnant. Being the strict Korean woman that she is, she had always told me never to come home pregnant, and that if I did, I would be thrown out on the streets. Since I was under 18, I had to have my best friend drive me to South Carolina to get an abortion. It was the longest 2 days of my life. I am permanently scarred from that time in my life. I remember everything about that trip and to this day I am still emotionally torn up from what I did. There is not a month that goes by that I don't think about my baby that "could have been"...it would be 8 years old if I didn't abort it, and I also think about so many other things. I feel like a murderer. I feel like I could not go through that again. It wasn't just the abortion that was hard for me, it was dealing with the baby's dad at the time and how he didn't want to take responsibility. I had to actually go through his mother to get the money for the abortion and he would call me constantly telling me not to eat because he didn't want the baby to grow and get big...it was just an emotionally hard time for me.

Now I am torn about what is BEST FOR ME because when I broke the news to my parents my dad was (obviously) disappointed because he got very quiet and just told me to get a 2nd test taken at the health department and go from there. My mom...when I told her, she said that I needed to go "downtown and make my period come" and that she would not support a kid that is born out of wedlock. She belittled me and called me a ****, actually she said I was "worse than a ****" and that I should just be a prostitute because they at least get paid for opening their legs and continued to call me a piece of crap. She said that if I had this baby to never expect to dump it off on her and I told her "dont worry I would NEVER give you my child" and hung up on her. To be honest, I expected nothing less out of her mouth. And this comes from a woman who goes to church EVERY morning to pray and also EVERY Friday night and Sunday mornings, religiously. These words hurt me more than anything...my mom has always had a hatred towards me (I think it's bc me and my dad are much closer than her and I, and same with my brother). But I feel bad because I feel like if I have this baby, it will tear apart my immediate family. Like right now, I know my mom is at home giving my dad the silent treatment, taking her anger out on him and he definitely doesn't deserve this. Their marriage is very strained and there is a lot of tension there that they never talk about and if they get into an argument, the fight will last until my dad apologizes, even it if it's not his fault. The longest time I think my parents didn't talk was for about 3 years. No lie, seriously under the same roof, not speaking. My mom kept telling me to "talk to my dad" about it because he was raised by my grandma and she was a single mother...but she must have done a great job bc my dad is one of the greatest men I have ever known to have lived, and has never done me any harm in my whole life. I can't say the same about my mom, sadly.

I am just so torn and confused about what to do. My head is telling me that this baby will ruin my family, slow down my schooling a little bit (not much though since it's online), but other than that those are the only two negatives I can think of. My heart is telling me to keep it because I feel that although I am not READY to be a mother, I KNOW that when that baby comes I will be a **** good mother and that even if my family isn't there for me, I have plenty of good friends that will be. And as for the possible fathers, I am not asking for any kind of relationship with them, I just want to know that whoever is the father will be there to financially support their kid...and if they choose not to be in their lives then fine, but I will always be there for my kid. I know this was a mistake and shouldn't have happened but I don't think the baby should have to suffer for my stupidity.

Sorry my first post was so long but I don't really know where else to get advice...I have talked to my friends and they keep telling me that "they" want this baby but I would like to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions, especially if you are in a military town and are in a situation like mine or know someone that has been in a situation like mine.
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  #2  
September 20th, 2010, 02:12 AM
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Although I have never been in a situation similar to yours, I have a friend that kinda was. She had an abortion in high school and still has problems dealing with it today...I've heard it is a very emotional thing to go through. She got pregnant again at the age of 20 and decided to keep the baby. She also works and goes to school and is engaged to the baby's father and is doing pretty well. She was really nervous to tell her parents and they were disappointed at first but towards the end of the pregnancy and especially after the baby was born they forgot all of that and are absolutely in love with their grand daughter and very supportive. I don't know your parents, but I'm willing to guess that they'd come around eventually. It doesn't sound like you want to get an abortion, and I wouldn't ever suggest you do something just because it would be better for the father or make your mother happy. It's YOUR life that you have to live, so you need to make the decision that is best for you. Often people that just do things to make others happy don't end up happy themselves. It's probably all crazy and shocking right now for everyone but in a few months things will most likely settle down. I wish you the best!
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  #3  
September 20th, 2010, 07:35 AM
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Thanks for your reply, and that makes alot of sense. I feel like my whole life I have been trying to live up to my parents standards and trying to make everyone else happy when I, myself, am not. Me and my mom have always had a sour relationship and thats why I have been out living on my own for over 3 years now. I feel like she still treats me like I am a teenager living in her house when I am 25 yrs old and can make my own decisions. It's so having a parents that has traditional beliefs. It's almost like she is living in a fantasy world where (she really thinks) people don't have sex before marriage. um. o.0. lol...but thanks for your reply! Out of all the views only one reply, but it makes me feel much better. Thanks again.
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  #4  
September 20th, 2010, 06:23 PM
fibigrey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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oookay...First, let me tell you this, you are an adult, and while you still have to "respect" your parents opinions, you do not have to adhere to their opinions.

Second, I had a child when I was 17.. It was hard, and tedious, and thank GOD my family was there to back me up.. I had many people in my family who were very dissapointed, my mother wanted me to get an abortion, and we actually didnt speak for months when I told her I wasn't going to..

but you know what? My son is 6 years old today, and does any of that matter? No. My whole family (including my mother) love my son. All of them. I can't picture my life without him, and deciding to keep him was the best decision i've ever made. He is absolutely miraculous.

don't let either of those men get you down.. When the baby is born, get the paternity test, and take them to court..even if its the guy who is supporting you, still take them to court for support, custody, etc.. get things written in stone! They have to take responsibilty too, because you know what? they had sex too, they were a part in making that baby.. it makes me so, so angry that men think that just becuase they're not carrying a baby, means they have less responsibility.. If that guy had a gf he was intending to marry, he should NOT have cheated on her. bottom line. Don't let them discourage you, do what is best for you and that baby.

goodluck hun.. PM me if you ever want to vent or talk!
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  #5  
September 20th, 2010, 07:33 PM
evie210's Avatar Super Mommy
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Wow, that is so much to deal with, my heart goes out to you. It is obvious that you want to keep your baby - don't ever get an abortion for someone else. This is your body and your baby. It sounds like you have strong support system in your friends, take advantage of that and you will get through this. When your baby is born, get the DNA test and get the financial support for your baby from his/her father.

I have many friends and family that had children young, unplanned, without the dad, etc. Despite all the triasl they went through, they made it and the love they have for their children is the only thing that matters now.

I hope you find peace of mind in your decision.
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  #6  
September 21st, 2010, 09:50 AM
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My first DD was born out of wedlock. Her dad denied paternity and we did a DNA test. It wasn't too bad. Think we each paid $50 to get it done. I got medical assistance, cash assistance, food stamps and child support. It wasn't much but we survived just fine.

As for school, I was going online full time when I got pregnant with DD#2. I dropped down to half time last semester and didn't miss a beat. I'll graduate a little later but my student loans will be deferred for longer so its okay with me.

Do what's best for you and it will work out.
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  #7  
October 8th, 2010, 06:28 AM
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you can get a paternity test done at 16 weeks pregnant, that way whoever is the father can get used to the idea, and the wrong one doesnt get attached. Hope everything works out for you!!
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  #8  
October 8th, 2010, 11:14 AM
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Wow, & here I thought I had a lot to deal with. I'm really sorry that your mother is so cruel to you ( I don't know her, so I'm not judging, just going off what you've said ). I had my daughter at 17, got pregnant at 16, & the only person in my life that didn't want me to get an abortion was my sister. It was hard, my dad would give me all kinds of new information every day on abortion & adoption even when I would tell him NO.

But like someone else said - my DD is 4 years old now & NONE of that matters anymore. My parents, my grandparents, my sister, etc are all in love with her & know that without her I wouldn't be where I am today ( in university & on my own ).

As for the two guys - what jerks! Especially the first one, my God - if you're planning to marry someone what the hell are you doing sleeping with other people? o.O Anyways, again like someone else said, take whatever one is the father to court RIGHT away. I didn't split up with my DDs father until she was 2 - & I should have went straight to court then because now... well he's got another kid & pays next to nothing for ours ( court papers are finally in process now lol).

Lastly, do what's best for your life. At the end of the day you're stuck with yourself, & if you make a choice that you're even a little bit in doubt of, then it will stick with you forever. Do what makes you happy - you're 25 years old, you deserve it. If your mother isn't happy then that's HER problem - I'm sure even if you hadn't have gotten pregnant she would have found SOMETHING to complain about ( I have a family member similar to ).

GL with whatever you choose, & know that you can come here & vent anytime
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  #9  
October 8th, 2010, 09:34 PM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Have you thought about giving the baby up for adoption? I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now and your family isn't supporting you. Hugs, I hope things work out the way you want them.
And way off topic, but I love your screen name. Best. Show. Ever.
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  #10  
October 9th, 2010, 06:36 AM
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My heart goes out to you in your situation. At the end of the day, this is your decision and your decision alone. Your parents, the two potential dads - none of them should influence you. If you decided to keep this baby, you have to be prepared to be the only person you can count on. So the question is are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do that? Good luck on your decision making process. Take your time and follow your heart.
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  #11  
October 12th, 2010, 02:53 PM
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That sounds like a sticky situation... hopefully everything works out and just do what is right for you
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  #12  
October 14th, 2010, 03:16 PM
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Hey hun...I read your story and I very much relate to and understand a lot of what you're going through. I am a 29 year old single mother with a wonderful five year old daughter who I have raised completely by myself without my parents' support. Having my daughter has been the most wonderful experience of my life. It has also been a difficult road by myself. I have completed school and am now applying to graduate school. Finances have been very strained, and there have been many times when I felt like I am losing my mind (I have not had a babysitter in literally three full years). However, I am living proof that it can be done...against all odds, even without the support of your family. My daughter is the best part of my entire life...well, she IS my entire life. Ultimately you have to make the decision for yourself and decide what is best for you. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me.
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  #13  
October 17th, 2010, 08:08 PM
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No one here knows about the tough time you've had with your mom- maybe i'm the "old" one on this board (lol) but I hear it a lot from girls that are in their teens and 20's that they are old enough to make their own decisions even when the keep making bad ones.

You really do need to come to terms with the fact that you've put yourself into this situation on more than one occasion and while those guys are in no way innocent- what the heck were you doing married around with married men to begin with?

C'mon girlie! We feel for ya and all... but maybe you really arent ready to make good decisions for yourself and your baby at the moment. It sounds like there are some real issues in your life and maybe therapy would be something that would benefit you. Certainly you've had a tough child hood - and there is nothing wrong with taking time to work on yourself for a while.

Really think about adoption- even an open adoption where you can be a part of your childs life. Medical Transcription is ok but is it really going to be enough to support you and your baby? Staying with friends - trust me... that only lasts for so long before they want to go back to their life pre- single mom living there and it isnt fair to them either...

Hope this doesnt sound too harsh... it isnt meant to be.. .wish you the best with what you decide.
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  #14  
October 18th, 2010, 09:37 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think no one can judge you or your situation. People make stupid mistakes at every and any age. Everyone is on this board because they made a mistake or had an accident.

I, myself, made a mistake.

Unplanned does not mean unwanted. If you want to keep this baby you need to make a plan now. Sit down and really look at what resources are available to you and if you will really be able to handle the responsibility of caring for a child. Not having a family support system can make things extremely difficult. I know you said you have good friends, but you need to know that friends do come and go more often than you think. If your friends turn your back on you, will you be able to care for yourself? Make sure you set up a back up plan...and then a back up plan for your back up plan.

Remember, adoption is always an option as well.

I hope everything works out for you and your baby.
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  #15  
October 20th, 2010, 02:02 PM
Showbiz's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think adoption is a great option for you. I do disgree with those who say this is your life, do what you want. This is the BABY's life. If you think the baby will have problems because it doesn't have a dad that wants it or a Grandma who wants it, then maybe giving it to a family who has supportive loved ones would be the best choice.
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  #16  
October 20th, 2010, 08:50 PM
JennLynn_'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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The only thing I can say is that you will never regret having your little one. No matter what pain and hardship you go through to get there... that little baby boy or girl will be the joy of your life until the day you die.

Just because that baby's daddy isn't in the picture, doesn't mean s/he won't have parents that love him/her. (My daughter's father cheated on us and left us when she was 5 months old. But she is now 19 months and one of the happiest little girls i've ever seen.) You never know what the future holds.

Do what is right for you and your baby. And no one else.
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Last edited by JennLynn_; October 20th, 2010 at 08:54 PM.
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