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Completely unplanned & quite scared & uncertain...


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
December 2nd, 2010, 06:27 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Good Morning,

I'm Katie. I've been lurking & reading posts for the past few days & this seems like a supportive non-judgemental place to look for insight & advice. Please disregard any typos in this post, as I am typing on my Droid from work.

I recently learned that I am 7 weeks pregnant. This is very unexpected, as I use the Nuvaring religiously every month, religiously. There were a few months (May, June, July) that I did not use it this year but that was due to a tumble down the stairs & 2 shattered wrists that were the result of that misstep. (It obviosly has been a rough year for me lol)
It doesn't seem reasonable to me that missing bc in July could result in a September conception, so i guess i just have to chock it up to lousy luck...

My boyfriend & I have been living together for 2 years. I am 29, he is 39.. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want children. He feels he is too old & that it would be too much of a financial strain ontop of the mortgage etc I'vr never been the most "maternal" of women, so that was never an issue for me.

But now I'm pregnant.

I'm really uncertain about what to do. When i was 19 & young & dumb & thought pulling out was a reasonable method of bc i got pregnant & had an abortion. At the time i was in college, jobless, & dating a real loser. It seemed like my only option. Even so, it tore me apart & sent me off on a 5 year nihilistic drug fueled path of dropping out of school & basically hating myself. I've since cleaned up my act & gotten a "life"

I strongly suspect my boyfriend will kick me out & want nothing to do with me when I tell him I pregnant. He will be furious. When my period is a day or 2 late he id always like "you better not be pregnant." I know, collectively we could afford to raise a child but I'm doubtful that i can on my own. I only make 45k a year. In NYC that is nothing. I did recently receive a 37k personal injury settlement so I am debt free & have 29k in my savings account but that still isn't much around here.

My parents are also going to be furious. They hated the idea of us moving in together unmarrief, let alone me being an unwed mother. I lost alot of their respect & compassion during the aforementioned drugs & dropping out phase. It wa@ really difficult for me to regain their good grace & i am horrified @ the prospect of being seen as a "screwup" again. My sistr's wedding is also at the end of May. How am i going to get my dress altered for an 8 months pregnant form? I will be judged very cruelly by my entire family as a pregnant unwed maid of honor.

I'm really scared & worried. I don't know who to tell first or how to tell anyone. Any advice or insight or positive reinforcement would be appreciated.
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  #2  
December 2nd, 2010, 07:24 AM
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Hugs hon! (its all i have today!)
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  #3  
December 2nd, 2010, 07:50 AM
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Thank you. I read your recent post & i hope you are feeling better about things. I empathize . I really was incredibly content & happy with my life exactly the way it was. I feel like this pregnancy is a wrench thrown into the works that will destroy the whole thing
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  #4  
December 2nd, 2010, 08:06 AM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 14,754
First of all, you CAN do this if you want I know you are worried about finances, but there are definitely ways to make it work. I'm currently a student raising my son alone on about $12,000 a year. I know that the cost of living is lower here than in NYC, but it's still do-able. Especially if you are debt free and have a savings. It gives you a lot of room to make changes and prepare. Would you be willing to consider moving? Even just out of the city and commuting in?

As far as your boyfriend goes, if he is 39 and is going to throw you out because you got pregnant while on BC...he stinks. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh and I don't know him, but he does realize that it takes two people to make a baby? You were doing your part in preventing, and now you want to be responsible. He should be equally so.

And last, there is no judgment regardless of how you decide to go ahead with this I don't know your family, but I would hope that they would come around eventually! I remember being in similar shoes not long ago. I felt like everything was going to crash down around me and nothing would be the same again. And now my son is here, and nothing is the same, but it's better My family took some time, but they came around eventually and love baby Max now. If you really don't want to raise the baby, there is also always adoption. Only you can know what the best choice is for you!

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  #5  
December 2nd, 2010, 08:28 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Thank you, that response really kind of consoled me a bit. It isn't so much that i don't want to raise a baby, it is more that i have been so content for the first time in a very long time that i am just terrified that now everything is going to change & be terrible again like it was for so long. I have these horrible visions of being alone & broke struggling to feed a screaming kid, shunned by everyone. I'm sure my imagination is getting the better of me, but thats the scenerio my brain keeps creating...

I hope I am underestimating my boyfriend... He has just been so avidly anti-baby in the past... it is hard for me to picture him embracing this.

Again, thank you for the reassurance, it really did assauge my panic a bit
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  #6  
December 2nd, 2010, 12:42 PM
Rabbit8's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Georgetown, ON
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First off... ((HUGS))

All of your worries are completely understandable and even normal, especially your worries about how life changes after having a baby. Even when someone gets pregnant after trying, it can be scary. Few things are as life altering as having a baby. Though ask most people, even those who didn't plan it, and they say that they can't imagine life without their baby.

I have to second what was said about your SO....if he's going to be like that, then he's probably not someone I'd want to be with. It takes two to make a baby, and you weren't trying. It's not just your fault here, he played a part too!

As for financially, I'm not sure about your area but there are programs like WIC that could help, and not to sound bad but if he does go the route you fear, unless he signs off on all parenting then he'd have to pay child support. I know that's not what you want, but it's reality and by law he'd have to pay.

For your family...you know them better than us so I don't know. When it comes to babies though, most family will surprise you in the end and fall totally in love with him or her. You're 39 now, college age was a long time ago and I'm sure you've come a very long way since that time. I've found that we hang onto our bad past more than our parents do, so hopefully that's the case.

Trust your gut instincts on this and listen to what you feel. It's scary, yes, but also one of the most awesome things in the world to happen. Nothing in my life tops the moment I held my daughter for the first time.
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  #7  
December 2nd, 2010, 12:54 PM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 823
It is possible to raise a baby on your own. I think you need to sit down and put a lot of thought into what you want. Obviously there are 3 different options available to you.
I have faced 2 unplanned pregnancies:
1- I chose adoption for my daughter when I got pregnant at 16
2 -I chose to parent my son when I faced an unplanned pregnancy later in life.

Feel free to come post at the Birth Mom's Board, even if you aren't leaning towards adoption, all of us have faced unplanned pregnancies.

You need to tell someone, but you have to make sure that you are the one making the decisions, dont let them influence you. Regardless of the choice you make, you are the one who is going to have to live with it.
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  #8  
December 2nd, 2010, 03:31 PM
rugby_girl's Avatar <3 my boy :)
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i don't really have any advice for you that hasn't already been said. But don't make a decision for anybody else but yourself. I wouldn't even tell anyone until you know what you want to do, so anything they say to you won't change your mind and lead you to a decision your not 100% for.
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  #9  
December 3rd, 2010, 08:44 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiepoetry View Post
Thank you, that response really kind of consoled me a bit. It isn't so much that i don't want to raise a baby, it is more that i have been so content for the first time in a very long time that i am just terrified that now everything is going to change & be terrible again like it was for so long. I have these horrible visions of being alone & broke struggling to feed a screaming kid, shunned by everyone. I'm sure my imagination is getting the better of me, but thats the scenerio my brain keeps creating...

I hope I am underestimating my boyfriend... He has just been so avidly anti-baby in the past... it is hard for me to picture him embracing this.

Again, thank you for the reassurance, it really did assauge my panic a bit
First off, welcome to the board! This place is definitely filled with very helpful women who have been in the same or similar situations. We won't judge you here

Secondly, i agree with what the previous posters have said. You have to make the decision ultimately for you and the baby. Don't factor in anyone else's opinion, because yours is the most important.

As for your family, you never know how they may react. I have been distanced from my mother because of this pregnancy, but have found support in other family members.

I think it's normal for all the worries to be hitting you now that you have just found out. Give it a little time and some deep though. Right out a couple plans of what you could possibly do and how you could make it work. It is possible for you to raise your baby, even if it's by yourself. You just have to figure out if it is the right thing for you and your baby. And if you decide it's not, there is adoption and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that choice.

I hope you decide to post more and keep us updated. Good luck with your decision!
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  #10  
December 3rd, 2010, 10:31 AM
MIL2lissy8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: southern cali
Posts: 3,200
lurking grandma here: having lived on both sides of this situation, i encourage you to take your time and REALLY think (pray) about your decision. it is life changing regardless of the direction you take.

back in the day, when it was totally un-acceptable to be a single mom, i went to my parents telling them i was pregnant. they took it far better than i expected and ended up really attached to my child. they did not do as well the second time. : (

5 years ago, my daughter came to me telling me she was pregnant. i was not surprised and so did not get mad -- just realized that i have no control over my children in terms of their life choices. i can tell you, that little boy has changed my life for the best. she recently got pregnant again and is in need of our help. although i am not happy with her, i still love her and will love and adore this new baby.

i think that parents will always be parents, loving their children and accepting them in the long run. and trust me, when that little baby gets here, EVERYTHING will be different, in a good way. grandbabies are the best gift ever!!!!

as for your BF, if this is a true picture of him, lose him real quick. your baby deserves better. speaking from experience, if you can do this without $$ from him, try to do so. that way you don't have to share the baby with him for visitation and be uncertain how he is treating the baby/child that he didn't want in the first place. not saying don't let him be in the picture, just saying make sure you are in control of the situation until you are confident that he is safe to share your child with.

God bless you as you go through these days ahead.
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  #11  
December 4th, 2010, 04:45 PM
laurabelle's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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All the ladies have given you real good advice.
I hope, too, that you are underestimating your bf. If he really does fly off the handle, kindly remind him that if he really never wanted kids, he should have looked into a vasectomy, it's not just the woman's responsibility to figure out protection.
Your parents I'm sure will be fine. I was totally shocked at how well mine took it.
Good luck!
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  #12  
December 4th, 2010, 07:13 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,258
Just want to tell you that you aren't alone <3

Sometimes that is all you need to hear. I remember all too well thinking that I was alone and no one would want to help me or that no one cared. You have so many resources available to you to help make your decision. Remember that this is YOUR life and YOUR body. You don't have to do anything you do not want to do, whether that be having this baby, placing him/her up for adoption, or getting an abortion. You know what is best for you and your life. Do not let anyone try to take the control away from you, the ball is in your court!

Much love and many, many hugs to you =)
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  #13  
December 4th, 2010, 10:15 PM
beckii's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Firstly, welcome & many !!!

The other ladies definitely gave you some solid advice. To be honest, the main thing that irked me when I was reading your post was your BF. How dare he? Seriously, he's 39 years old & unable to understand the concept of him taking part in creating a baby? Hm. & I'm not judging him here, I don't know him - just basing my opinion off what you said. & honey if that is true - you don't need him!

Don't ever doubt yourself, if you want to do this on your own you can! Nothing is impossible. However, if you decide to make a different decision, such as abortion or adoption, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can decide for you, & don't let anyone try to!

To give you a bit of my experience - I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant, 17 when I had my daughter. I was living with her father & his family, & working parttime. I decided I wanted more independance, so I went on income assistance & moved into my own apartment. I'm now in my first year of university - BScN. & a single mother to my soon to be 5 year old daughter! There is no shame in accepting help, even though I desperately did not want to go on assistance. I knew that in the long run it would benefit my daughter & myself.

GL hun & keep us updated !
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Last edited by beckii; December 4th, 2010 at 10:18 PM.
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  #14  
December 5th, 2010, 11:01 AM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with PP that said if your BF didn't want kids he should have had a vasectomy. It's partially his fault too and I really don't like how women are expected to always take care of the birth control. I think it's very unfair of him to put that much pressure on you.

I hope you come to the decision that is right for you. Don't worry about what your BF or family wants. It's up to you. And you'd be surprised how all those maternal things kick in, everyone has doubts once and awhile.

Hugs
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