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Would like some advice. husband is depressed.


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
February 1st, 2011, 01:44 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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My husband and I have been together for 5 years, and have been married for 4 months.
We found out a few days ago that I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I was on the pill.

When I first told him I had missed my period and I was pregnant, he FREAKED OUT. He couldn't breathe, he was cussing up a storm and ranting about how his life was ruined and how could I do this to him? He even had pretty much a panic attack and was totally freaking me out. He was breathing really hard and couldn't catch his breath and sobbing. He was upset because we DID want kids, but later on life once we had travelled more and were ready. He wanted a PLANNED pregnancy and was really upset this was unplanned because he was unplanned and I guess that really affected him as a kid. And he's not ready, and he kept saying "why did I ever have sex with you that night?!" and stuff like that. He also said I must not've been taking my birth control pill, when I WAS and taking it every day at the same time.

An hour or so after he calmed down, he came into the bedroom and was hugging me and saying he was sorry and talking about fixing up the baby's room and getting an SUV and having more kids afterwards so that they were close in age. He was rubbing my belly and crying. I felt SO relieved and amazed at his 180.

The NEXT DAY he gets home from work and hanging out with friends, I had taken my official dr test and it was positive, and he won't talk to me and won't hug me or touch me and goes to bed at 8pm. When I go in to talk to him in the bedroom he starts the same rant and cussing about how nothing in his life is going the way he wants [he hates his job and his car is starting to quit on him as well] and how his life is hell and how he's not ready, why did he ever have sex with me, and etc. He said he feels weird, like he barely knows who I am now and he's really depressed because he didn't want this right now. He was in the same mood as the day before, just not as frantic.

We talked for like 2 hours and he turned into that other person again, apologizing for being a jerk and saying how much he loved me and our baby and he was sorry for being selfish and he was lucky to have me in his life. He wasn't ready but there was nothing he could do and rubbing my belly again and hugging me.

and NOW ... he went back to work and now he won't respond to my text messages except to say he's not okay and he sounds like he's in that same depressed cycle. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready either and I'm scared and I need him to be there for me so we can go through this together, but he keeps flip flopping back and forth. If he could just stay on the nice side we'll be fine, but he keeps going over to the depressed "woe is me" side and I honestly just don't know what to do. We literally haven't even told anyone about it because he's "embarassed".

Last edited by enc0925; February 1st, 2011 at 01:56 PM.
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  #2  
February 1st, 2011, 01:57 PM
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Location: New Zealand
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he just needs sometime to adjust to all of a sudden being a dad. my partner freaked out when i told him i was preggers and wanted me to abort it. after a few weeks he calmed down and enjoyed the pregnancy with me. came to all my appointments. now we have a beautiful 1 yo and they are just inseparable. you and your man will work through this he just has mixed emotions and is slowly working through them. hel be on board soon dont worry. good luck hun keep us posted.
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  #3  
February 1st, 2011, 05:23 PM
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thank you... that gives me some hope. right now its only been since sunday when I told him, guess he needs more time.
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  #4  
February 1st, 2011, 05:37 PM
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Location: Texas
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Does he suffer from depression or anxiety or any other mood disorders?
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  #5  
February 1st, 2011, 06:05 PM
~Angela~'s Avatar Mommy to 3
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Location: Upstate New York
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It sounds like he needs time to adjust. When I found out I was pg. I was really resentful to everyone - me, the baby and DH. Give in a week or 2 for him to absorb the info.
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  #6  
February 2nd, 2011, 12:56 PM
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Its a big thing to adjust to (especially when its not planned). It sounds like you really just need to give him some time to adjust.

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  #7  
February 4th, 2011, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enc0925 View Post
thank you... that gives me some hope. right now its only been since sunday when I told him, guess he needs more time.
He does need time and I would probably suggest giving him some space as well. Its hard on you to deal with his mood swings and you don't need to be stressed out and depressed because you are the one carrying the baby.

I had to learn that myself. My BF went through those motions. Not the freaking out part because thats just not him but he did go through the not talking to me and not responding to my text messages. He even styed at his brothers house for one night. He said he needed some time to clear his head and honestly the mood switching had got on my nerves so bad I wanted to drop him off myself. When he came backe he was a brand new person. Now hes not totally on board yet which is bothering me but he seems like hes pretty much back to his old self.

If he wants to sleep its ok, just let him sleep. My manager is a man and although we didnt talk about my pregnancy he somehow started talking about his marriage. He sid that men are so different form women and how they disassociate themselves when they are stressed and dont want to talk and just want to be left alone to think things through. So just let him think things through for a little bit. It will be ok.
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  #8  
February 6th, 2011, 11:28 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: The Burgh, PA
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Hi and

I agree with what the other ladies said. He may need some time to adjust. It sounds like deep down he wants to support you and get prepared to be a father but right now he has to deal with the surface emotions of not being ready.

Just don't let his mood swings stress you out. You need to be stress free and take care of yourself now that you are pregnant. Let him know that you understand he needs time to adjust but if he is going to be mean or rude at all, you two will just need some space.
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  #9  
February 9th, 2011, 10:34 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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sounds like he needs to man up to me. It takes two to tango. And though he may need time to adjust, hes a grown man, rant and rave to your boys/friends, not your pregnant wife.

My 2cents, 1 daughter, 1 on the way, both complete surprises and un planned.
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  #10  
February 17th, 2011, 08:32 AM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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sounds like he needs time to adjust.

congratulations by the way
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  #11  
February 17th, 2011, 06:09 PM
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I had a really really really negative reaction when I found out I was pregnant. I sobbed. A lot. I felt panicky, too, because we were DONE having kids. I was excited about moving on in life, my kids are getting older (almost 5 & 7), so it was literally devastating to me.

I tell you this because I can understand where your husband is coming from. It took me a LONG time to not only accept the pregnancy (that took weeks), but to be happy about it (I just got there at about 32 weeks...no joke).

Don't rush it. Let him deal with it, let him vent, let him explore all the things that he feels he may miss out on. Let him completely understand exactly what you're getting into. That way, when your little one does come, he is emotionally and mentally prepared. I didn't force any positive emotions on this pregnancy, and it took me almost the entire duration to get excited about it. But I'm glad I did that because now I am genuinely happy about it and not just putting on a happy face. I know what we got ourselves back into, and I can fully accept it (and welcome it!) now.

One more thing: it took me until our 20 week ultrasound to tell most people because I, too, felt almost embarrassed about it. Don't ask why..I just did. People who saw me every day I told earlier obviously.
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