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Could really use some advice!!! I'm in a pickle!


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
March 19th, 2011, 11:20 AM
OMG OMG is offline
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I am 32 years old and just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant by my ex. To give a brief description of our relationship we have been good childhood friends for about 17 years before deciding to try our hand at dating about a year ago. We dated for less than a year before deciding to break-up about 4 months ago.

To hear him explain it we broke up because he was "failing" as a boyfriend. He's works 2 hours away from home and has a child from a previous relationship that he has shared custody of. For him, that translates into oftentimes he has very little time left to do anything else besides work and parenting (I must say despite the issue we are having I find him to be a Great DAD). None the less we broke up, yet continued to hang out when time permitted. Since breaking up we restrained from intercourse. Although we have participated in some heavy petting sessions etc. That is until we hooked up one day which leads me to this website telling my life story.

While we were together I was on birth control ("the ring"), used it faithfully, as the both of us agreed we weren't ready for children. However, when we stopped dating I stopped using birth control as i had no intentions of becoming sexually active with anyone. (I don't recover well from break ups and usually take extended breaks from dating when things don't work out). Well as luck would have it we hooked up one time and now i'm pregnant. Of course he's not thrilled about the situation at all and thinks that I should have an abortion. He states that he had no idea that i was no longer on birth control (i was under the impression otherwise) and had he known that to be the case we would have never hooked up unprotected as he knows that he does not want anymore children at this time. Since I've given him the news he has been taking it very hard, not sleeping, eating, working etc. as he states that this is not an additional situation he can handle at this time.

As for me I'm 32 of age, no kids, stable, and i guess i would say in the maternal stage of my life where i actually feel somewhat ready to have a child (Although, i never wanted it under these types of circumstances). So we are are really at a cross roads. I've been spent the last few days reading a million websites that say it's my body, my choice, etc. but I cant help to worry about the effects this situation will have on the both of us. In no way shape or form do i want to force him into parenthood for a second time as i see how much of a struggle it has been for him to raise his daughter but there is also something inside of me wanting a family of my own. I am also worrying about the mental effects a abortion would have on me. Especially since i'm not totally sold on the abortion idea.

I guess what makes this situation so difficult is at the end of the day I would like to be fair to everyone and I do really care about my ex's feelings as we were friends way before this ordeal took place.

Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. I don't need any of the "Abortion in Murder" post as i am fully aware of the thougts of others and I realize that should i choose to terminate this pregnancy this is something i will have to deal with the ramifications of during my judgement day.
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  #2  
March 19th, 2011, 12:06 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
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It doesn't really matter what any of us think about abortion. What matters right now is what YOU think and want to do.

Deep down what do you want to do and if you have this baby are you prepared to raise him/her on your own without him involved? Are you ready to do this on your own?
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After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
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  #3  
March 19th, 2011, 05:25 PM
OMG OMG is offline
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@ missy, I believe i'm prepared to raise a child on my own although I never wanted to such a thing.
I also don't want my ex to feel as if i'm trying to "trap" him as that is soooo not the case.
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  #4  
March 19th, 2011, 07:16 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
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You are not trapping him into anything. He had sex with you and there is always a chance of pregnancy, even when on birth control.

You say he wants you to get an abortion but what do you want to do? I am pro-choice so please don't take this as I am pushing you in one direction or other.

I understand you don't want to hurt him but at the same time if you do what he wants will you be ok with that? (Hugs) your head must be swimming.
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #5  
March 19th, 2011, 07:58 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
It's really all about how you feel. You've already seen that he is unsupportive of the pregnancy so his opinion has been noted. Now it's time for what you think. Can you do it 100% alone? If you are stable and feel that you are ready to start a family then that's the only question you need to ask yourself.
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  #6  
March 20th, 2011, 12:14 AM
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i'm almost in exactly same situation except that i have had an abortion at the age of 22, trust me you don't wanna do it, it was haunting me for at least 5-6 years and i was 10 years younger. so when i got unexpectedly pregnant (17 weeks ago) from a guy i care about, but he doesn't wanna even hear about having kids it was an easy choice, i capt it without even thinking twice. if god (i'm not religious what so ever ) gave me this kid, with this particular guy at this particular time........ i think everything happens for a reason. it's a gift don't think of it any other way, and everything else will come, you'll have a great family, loving husband, beautiful kid.
i know it's a cliche, but listen to your heart
best of luck
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  #7  
March 20th, 2011, 05:48 AM
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Life is so hard, and sometimes no matter what you do someone isnt going to be happy. You need to do what best for you here, what will make you the most comfortable to live in your own skin.

I am 38 and currently very preg with an unplanned baby girl at first my SO wanted an abortion as well but I couldnt do it, couldnt hardly even stand to think about it so we kept it... It took awhile but he eventually came around and has gone to every OB appt with me since and is actually very happy now.

Dont get me wrong I too am pro choice I had an abortion almost 22 years ago when I was 17 for me at that point it was the right thing for me, but now at nearly 40 having had 2 children it wasnt.

Essentialy you just need to follow your heart. The main person you have to live with is yourself.. I know how loud and strong the little voice in your head can be. No matter what you decide you can always PM me or come here and talk things out. I know how hard this is and I dont envy you right now..

Hang in there (((((HUGS)))))
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  #8  
March 20th, 2011, 04:55 PM
britneyxo's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 397
This is almost exact to my situation. I'm 13 weeks pregnant now, and my bf and i had taken a break and were just getting things back on track when i conceived and now it has put a huge wall inbetween us.
but he gave me the exact same speech about had he known i hadnt taken the pill in 2 days it never would've happen.
its still taking time and things are rocky but he is coming around and being more positive. their is no abortion talk anymore, and he wants to be there for the baby. now our biggest problem is him and i.
with unplanned pregnancies nobody is ever ready for them, but it happens and you have to make sacrifices.
i understand you care about his feelings and how this will affect his life, im still struggling with this because my bf is the love of my life, but im starting to learn that this is my decision, i have obviously decided i am having the baby. and i went back and forth with my decision for a while, and in the end i really strongly believe things happen for a reason.
you need to do what is right for you in your life, do YOU want this baby? seperate yourself from him and just imagine him as if he wasnt in the picture and look at your future with a baby. i had to do that, and even though it has been stressful and emotional i know it will be worth it in the end because what i saw in my future was happiness.
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  #9  
March 21st, 2011, 12:41 PM
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I don't really have anything to offer that hasn't been already said. But I do want to say good luck in coming to a solution that works for you. I can see how difficult it would be for you being in this situation. I can see that you really want this baby and he has put you in an awkward position; I can also see the fact that you have been friends before dating for a very long time.... So there are so many different aspects to your relationship with the baby's father.
I am sure you will come the best solution that will work for you, but it is probably going to take some real hard thought to get there..
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  #10  
March 22nd, 2011, 11:08 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Fairbanks, AK
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Similar situation, except that I can't tell the guy. He made comments about how stairs come in handy when he doesn't want a kid so I'm keeping it a secret. Even though he's a loving father to his two other children, I don't like his parenting style and am still struggling with being nice or being totally protective.

Like everyone else said, it's really up to you. And don't worry about going it alone, it's tough, but so many parents out there do it. And there is help. Not just support groups but state assistance and whatnot.

It sounds like you would looove to keep this child and raise it, so I suggest that until you make your final decision, you go out there and get all the info you need on financial assistance and whatnot.

And if you're job doesn't pay well enough to support two, then I'm willing to bet there are low income places you could move to in order to have some extra cash.

A friend of mine is a single mom. Sure she gets plenty of financial assitance thanks to child support, state assistance, and some disability thing she has no idea what it's for but has gotten it as long as she can remember, she's able to provide. But otherwise she's pretty much alone in parenting. She rarely gets to go out because her family doesn't want to babysit. But her child is just so sweet and well-behaved for her age. My friend does a wonderful job being the friend and mommy.

I know so many woman who have been the single mother and they're all the stronger for it.

So don't be scared to do this on your own. I know you'll have plenty of support from the women on this site and if you find a support group in your area it'll be even better.

But whatever you choose is up to you and no one else's feelings matter in this. It's your life! Live it how you want. It's a hard lesson to learn (believe me, I'm in the process of learning it myself) but once you get it, I'm willing to bet things will be great!

Good luck and my thoughts are with you! *hugs*
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  #11  
March 24th, 2011, 01:46 PM
cutepiem1's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 285
I think that since yyou feel you are ready for a child you made you decison. I think that's whats important. At the end of the day someone has to love the child and no matter what that person will be you. When I got pregnant with my son I sat down and thought about doing it by myself. Once I made up my mind that I could I ignored everything he said. If you want to be ther fine, if not thats fine too. My son is fine and happy without him in his life. In fact I prefer it that way. He's not a good influence anyway. With this baby I felt like you. I cared about his feelings and how he was coping with the news. But you know what..I made my decision and for me it was the right one. No he didn't agree with it but he's somewhat supportive now and honestly even if he wasn't and we split up I wouldn't change my decision for the world.
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  #12  
March 30th, 2011, 03:50 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 14
I say, do what YOU feel is right. Even if you were on birth control, there is still a chance of getting pregnant. I think that everything happens for a reason. I had my daughter when I was 19. Her father wasnt in her life and still isnt, and I dont have a family that helps me or anything. I have been busting my butt since she was born to be able to support her on my own and give us a good life.

And, you say your stable, so thats a good thing. JUst be prepared for it to go either way. And he may keep changing his mind. So if your fine with raising this baby on your own, I say do it. But as far as abortion, I think its a personal choice. If you feel that if the best decision for you, then do that. Either way, you will be fine
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  #13  
April 14th, 2011, 02:53 PM
OMG OMG is offline
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So this story has a silver lining afterall. After 3 weeks of mulling this situation over. I finally decided that I could not go through with an abortion. Wrote the Ex a heart felt e-mail explaining to him that it was never my intention to force him into parenthood again and that I hoped that one day he would forgive me for my decision etc. Gave him three options in proceeding with situation. I could raise this child alone, he could co-parent with me, or we could work on rebuilding our relationship while preparing to be parents.

HE CHOSE OPTION #3 !!!! And life has been on the up ever since. Had our first doctor's appt. yesterday. I actually think that he's more excited about the baby than I am now days. I swear I love that silly Guy. Even if it did take him about a month to come around.
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  #14  
April 14th, 2011, 07:10 PM
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I am so happy for you! Glad he wants to work on things!

I bet that helps you mentally and emotionally!
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  #15  
April 15th, 2011, 10:28 AM
AshMama2Ava's Avatar Super Mommy
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Glad to hear that the story has a silver lining and you were able to come to a decision that worked for you. Good Luck and have a happy and healthy 9 months.
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  #16  
April 17th, 2011, 10:23 PM
EMTMommy2007's Avatar Mommy since 2007
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 649
The ending to your story made me cry. I just posted something similiar when I introducted myself tonight in the dec 2011 preg club
My boyfriend is so pushing the abortion issue Im selfish im this im that
I so glad that yours came around. I can only hope that mine does too and if not I'm doing it with or without him
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  #17  
April 18th, 2011, 06:17 PM
OMG OMG is offline
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EMTmommy2007
If your story is anything like mine i definitely feel for you. Believe me I had many sleepless nights and many crying sessions over this situation. ultimately I had to make a decision that i could live with. In the end I decided that I could live with options numbers 1 and 2 (Although I knew they the effects of both would hurt like hell) They would ultimately be the price i'd have to pay for making a decision that was not in line with his wishes. But the one thing i decided that I could not live with was the idea of aborting this child who never asked to be caught up in our mess.
I threw option #3 as my real wish/prayer but with the thought that he would never go for this. As he appeared to be sooo upset by this entire situation, I figured he was on the border of never speaking to me.
I guess my story goes to show you that we never know what's going on in the brains of men
I wish you the very best of luck....My thoughts are with you as i know first hand that this is not an easy situation.
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  #18  
April 19th, 2011, 05:57 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,869
I just saw this, and I am so glad you all came to a conclusion that works best for you. With my DS it was a similar situation except we were just friends and DTD one night and bam, there you go. However, he is not in my son's life at all and I am doing it all alone. SO I completely understand everything you are going through, more than you can imagine!

Feel free to PM anytime if you need someone to talk to, and check out our Due Date Clubs to meet and talk to other moms due around the same time as you!
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  #19  
April 19th, 2011, 12:47 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
Congratulations!!! I love your happy ending story. You should totally join a due date club and make new friends.

This is awesome!
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #20  
April 21st, 2011, 09:48 PM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 25
If you're capable and wanting and willing to take care of your child tell him to kiss ur ARSE! I'm very painfully honest. Sorry...
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