Log In Sign Up

What to Do *kind of long*


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Unplanned Pregnancy LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
March 22nd, 2011, 10:34 AM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
Just before I conceived the father of the baby all the sudden went into this spiel about not having a kid for another two years. He said, "If you can just give me 2 years to get my sh*t together then we can have a kid together. I think you'd be a really good mom and I'd like you to be the mother of one of my children. But I'm serious, 2 years, I WILL NOT have a kid before then."

And two weeks later I found out I am pregnant. '

I had decided not to have a kid with him, too. I don't like his parenting style, it's too much like my dad's but a bit more harsh. I grew up disliking my father and even though I'm trying to create a good one with him, I still have issues. I don't want my child going through that.

I keep going back and forth about telling the father. One minute I am adamant about him not knowing it's his and the next I'm wondering if I should tell him at some point.

Thing is that he's going to find out I'm pregnant eventually. The problem is weather to lie and tell him it's someone else's child (which will be easy because he thinks I slept with one of my guy friends around the time I would have conceived), or should I allow him to be a part of the kid's life.

He's a bit controlling so I get the feeling he'd try to force me to name the baby whatever he wants and then he'd make it so I could never move out of state.

He loves his other two kids but really, his priority is his first child. He really doesn't have much to do with his second child unless it's a holiday or her birthday. For a while he was hoping to get her back (big huge thing where CPS took the child claiming he was an unfit parent because he allowed the child to spend the weekend with the mother who then kidnapped her and while she had her beat her and starved her, but the guy had asked CPS if it was alright to allow his daughter to stay the weekend with the mother and they gave him the ok). But he wasn't trying very hard. They told him that if he wanted her back he'd have to have a job, a reliable form of transportation, his own place, and he'd have to take parenting classes.

But he's only just gotten a job that pays enough to even begin to help him getting the things that cost money. Though now he's resigned himself to giving his daughter up for adoption. In truth, that's the smart thing since he's not reliable with jobs and I doubt he'll ever take the classes or get his own place. Not only that but she seems to be doing really well now and I'm betting the family she's with doesn't have a problem with yelling.

Anyways it's all about should I be nice or should I ensure a more stable environment for my child?

These are the options:

To be nice would include these things for the father:

-Regular Contact-
-He must take the parenting classes
-He must follow the rules of conduct I will write down when he's around the child
-Because we are not dating nor are we married and he already has a son, the child will have my last name so as to save it from any ridicule later in life (I will NEVER marry him or date him again)

-Not So Much Contact (should he not want to follow the above options)-
-Contact restricted to only when I'm around so I can keep him from being awful and to holiday cards/gifts and whenever he wants to talk to the kid

-Minimal Contact (should he not want to follow any of the above options)-
-Contact restricted to only cards/gifts and phone calls.

-No Contact. This is for if I decide not to tell him.

To do the no contact I have to be mean and lie. It's not something I like doing. It'll be easy, though. He believe I've slept with one of my guy friends while being with him. One of the worst days for this paranoia is a day a little bit before I would have ovulated. I had drunk so much that I don't remember passing out. My guy friend has since not contacted me (most likely because he doesn't have a phone). So it'd be easy to tell the father that the guy finally contacted me and told me we'd had unprotected sex while drunk and that's why he hasn't contacted me in so long, but now he feels he should let me know. Something like that.

It would definitely make the father angry but it would most likely mean he wouldn't contact me ever again, which would mean I wouldn't have to cut off contact.

This is definitely the easier option, but I'm hesitant about being so mean and lying.
__________________

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

Reply With Quote
  #2  
March 22nd, 2011, 04:45 PM
BigGrin's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,684
Given what you've stated about his behavior and history I would not tell him. This is not a popular opinion but it is what I would do personally.
__________________







I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I’ll stop loving you, only then. ~Unknown
Reply With Quote
  #3  
March 22nd, 2011, 10:49 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
Yeah it's so hard to figure it out because I am way too nice for my own good. And I'm having a hard time because even though I know I'm pregnant and am having some slight symptoms, I still don't feel it yet.

My middle sister and her friend have suggested I move out of town until after the baby is born. I've thought about it as well. It would mean we'd never accidentally run into each other and I wouldn't have to tell him, and once the baby is born there's not much he can do.

But also, it would mean I couldn't exactly come back for a good while and my mom would miss out on a lot. Her only grandchild lives on the other side of the country and she's missed out a ton already.

I know she'd understand my reasons for moving, but still, it would break her heart. I know I could come back eventually, but I have no idea when that could be.

Though being around my middle sister would be oh-so-nice! She's always been there for me and I still haven't quite figured out how to function properly without her.

I've got until summer to decide.
__________________

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

Reply With Quote
  #4  
March 23rd, 2011, 12:11 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 320
tell him your pergnant but ask him if hel sign the baby over to you? so he has no legal rights to the child. you have to think that one day your child is going to wonder who his/her father is and how are you going to explain your dad doesnt even know u exsist? you can always get custody agreements as to what u want e.g supervised visits only and leave it up to him if he wants to see the child that way ur child cant blame u. goodluck hun it what ever u decide.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #5  
March 23rd, 2011, 04:28 PM
cutepiem1's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 285
With my son the father and I were not together when I found out I was pregnant. But during our relationship he was verbally and physically abusive. I decided that I did not need that stress during my pregnancy so I made the decision not to tell him I was pregnant. I called him when my son was 3 months old and told him. It's your choice. Your pregnancy should be calm and stress free and if you are that uncomfortable with the baby being around him then the baby shouldn't. Those are your motherly instincts kicking in and please dont ignore them. Although he knew about the baby my son was not allowed over his house. He could only come visit him in my presence. Now the courts here in MD will do a parenting plan for you and with his CPS history I don't think you will have a problem with your requests. I just feel like at this point you are not obligated to tell him anything. If you change your mind later thats ok too. I wouldn't lie about the paternity because you know the fathers can reuest testing too. I would just not say anything about it. But don't uproot your life and move because of this. Honestly, if he sees you and sees that you are pregnant and you haven't said anything to him, he jut might assume its someone elses baby and go on about his business. This is just my opinion.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
March 24th, 2011, 05:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,754
I like both cutiepiem1 and moomoos suggestions. Not knowing whether your father is alive or even exists is a scary and psychologically damaging thing for a child to go through. Research suggests having a dead parent is easier and less stressful than wondering about where a live one may or may not be. If I did not know who my father was, I would personally be looking at every middle aged man with blue eyes passing me on the street wondering if it was them.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
March 25th, 2011, 05:56 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
True, true to everything.

Yesterday I decided I'd tell him and make sure he follows the rules. But then after spending the night and hearing him say stuff and then today he made comments that made me mad.

Last night he got annoyed over my saying corvettes are ugly. He turns to me and says, "You know, sometimes when you talk I just want to smack you."

And today he blames me for our relationship not working when he knows full well, and has admitted, that it's his fault.

I mean he gets angry over the stupidest things. There were a lot of things that I put up with while with him and the straw that broke the camel's back was when he started yelling at me about bacon.

I mentioned I'd cooked bacon in the oven once because I suck at cooking it on the stove and I'd wanted to see how it did. Well as I'm talking about how it just didn't turn out the same, he interrupted me, yelling at me saying, "You DON'T cook bacon in the oven! I don't understand what's wrong with people! It's like putting milk in your eggs." He went on for another minute or two. And later when I was still upset (because he knows I have a phobia of men yelling), he gives me this attitude and asks what's wrong with me. And when he finds out I'm upset over him yelling earlier he tells me to get out. I was having to stay at his place for a while. He was constantly getting mad at me for tiny things, like being too giggly or being to happy or singing. And when he'd get really pissed at me, like once when he took my joking seriously, he'd kick me out, then get mad if I was mad about it.

I figured today I'd cut off contact with him due to what he said earlier when I was hanging out with him while he was at work. So maybe I won't lie and say it's someone else's but I just won't say anything. He'll most likely know eventually, but I would hope it would be well after the baby is born so I don't have to compromise on names.
__________________

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

Reply With Quote
  #8  
March 25th, 2011, 07:09 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 244
How long have you been with him? You sound scared of him which is definitely not good.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
March 26th, 2011, 02:41 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 320
he needs help! and doesnt deserve this baby but ur baby deserves a father... i hope that everything works out but id suggest staying away untill the babys born. he sounds like he could get violent! best of luck and stay safe!
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #10  
March 26th, 2011, 04:00 PM
cutepiem1's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 285
It appears as if he has a problem with his temper and he doesn't know what to say out of his mouth. I cook bacon in the oven just because I hate grease all over the stove and yes I put milk in my eggs..lol. So I can only imagine how mad he would be at me. As you progress in your pregnancy your baby will hear all those outside noises and you don't want her/him hearing nothing but him yelling at you and you crying all the time. It will be so much better for the baby to hear you giggles and laughter and joking like you said you do when he is not mad at you. I'm glad you made your decison. You are going to enjoy your pregnancy so much!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
March 26th, 2011, 08:46 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,347
Send a message via AIM to Mbeth
if you scared of him get out. It's your responsibility to protect that baby so if you know he isnt going to be great to that baby that you need to do something about it. good luck
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #12  
March 28th, 2011, 01:09 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
I've known him since sometime around May, maybe June of last year. We didn't start dating until about the 17th of August. I broke up with him in early November last year.

I have a hard time being firm and doing things for me so I tend to be too nice and still hang out with him and whatnot.

And he knows that I'm afraid he'll hit me. He got mad at me when I admitted that to him and yelled at me that he never hits women. But that's not what he said when he told me about the time he hit the mother of his daughter (before she was ever pregnant) because she was drunk and badmouthing him to his face.

I haven't really talked to him the past few days because his phone got shut off since he forgot to pay it before the weekend and his bank was closed. So when he gets it back on, which shoulld be sometimes today, and he texts me I'll be telling him I really don't want to be around him anymore. I don't care for him and I'm tired of him only wanting to spend time with me because he can talk me into sex. He got mad the other day because I told him he never wants me around unless he wants a blow job or sex. He denied it.

But then he invited me to spend the night just to hang out and watch movies. Course then, like always after an hour or two he said, "So are we not having sex anymore?" I wanted to smack him. Luckily I was waaaay to exhausted to do anything and just said so and rolled over and went to sleep.

Tired of him and his lies and behavior. Like I'm not allowed to be mad at him and give him a talking to about it. In his words, I don't have the right to speak to him like that.

Anyways, so yeah, will be telling him soon I don't want to hang out with him anymore or be friends with him.
__________________

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

Reply With Quote
  #13  
March 28th, 2011, 02:15 PM
cutepiem1's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 285
Sounds like he is FULL of drama. You don't need it now or ever in my opinion. If you want to give him the courtesy of telling him (i wouldn't) that you don't want him in your life..good for you. Send it in a text then block him if you can. I know some phone companies do that. I have verizon and they do it. That way you don't have to hear any more yelling or nasty words from him and you can move on in peace.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
March 29th, 2011, 11:54 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,841
I agree with cutepiem1. Block him and never go back. He sounds like bad news.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
March 29th, 2011, 10:52 PM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
I had a moment of weakness and told him through text last night. He called and as he was busy going on about how he can't have another kid, he went into a panic attack.

I know he is an a** and can be really horrible but he is human and does have his good side. So I felt awful for upsetting him.

But this morning I texted him and repeated what I'd told him, reminding him I don't want his help and he doesn't have to change a thing in his life. And to help him believe me I told him that I am now doing what I should have done instead of telling him and cutting off contact with him. He's free of the obligation to me or the baby and he never has to hear from me again. I did leave him an open door so if he becomes better and is at a place in life where he's comfortable and feels he can have something to do with another kid, he can get in touch with me.

I'm not able to be incredibly harsh with people. I don't intend to ever leave him with the child unsupervised if he ever wants to see it, but I won't deny him his rights as a father.

So I'm rid of him for now. I was incredibly stressed out over him being so upset about it all. But I'm getting over it by putting him out of my mind.
__________________

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:43 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0