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I'm older, He's younger-We just met... Help!!!


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
October 16th, 2011, 09:46 AM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
As it says, I'm older than my partner by 10+ years and we only recently began seeing each other-weeks! So this is very unplanned and I feel as if this would simply ruin his life! Literally, our second nite of very intense intimacy we conceived...or at least I did. There's so much to consider, I have a teen who just entered HS, I would like to open my fitness and therapy boutique as I have been working to, I have a house I am renovating, WE JUST MET... The age difference, and still more. For him, he's a busy musician, coach n maybe grad student soon... I.m so scared to tell him but the ept confirmed my suspicions as my period is late by a week. This could very likely be the last child I could produce as I am in my early 40s.... Scared, YES!!!
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  #2  
October 19th, 2011, 05:16 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
Hi. Did you end up telling him? My husband is 10 years younger than I am and I am 42.
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #3  
October 20th, 2011, 07:44 AM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Hi! Thanks SO much for the reply. I thought I was alone in this experience. Haven't been able to pin him down without expressing an urgency that reveals the big secret. He did ask what was wrong but I couldnt tell as we were texting. I remain scared to tell for his reaction is going to be intense...
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  #4  
October 20th, 2011, 10:45 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
The first time I got pregnant my now husband and I were not a couple. We were "dating" and hanging out but it was nothing serious so I have been where you are.

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to keep the baby or no? Before you even tell him that you are pregnant you need to feel comfortable about your decision. You should not base anything on "ruining his life". If you choose abortion because of him you will end up needing some serious therapy down the road. You will end up resenting him and what you have together now will fall apart anyway. If you choose to keep the baby then go into it thinking you will be a single mom. However he may choose to be involved in the childs life or you may end up together.

I know none of this is easy. ((hugs))
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #5  
October 20th, 2011, 11:51 AM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Thank you Missy! Yes, it is very difficult. Tears all day! A huge part of me has wanted more children for years. I gave up though based on the quality of men around me. Then I meet this dynamic man who I enjoy completely and who caught me by surprise! I have already lived the single mom life and it was difficult. I love this baby already. I would love to keep him/her but the concept of being alone again thru all the "firsts" scares me. Of being judged again... If I do decide to term, I wont continue to see Z. I recognize I will face resentment of him. I do believe he should know however. His beliefs may come into play and I think he should be given a chance to express his feelings and thoughts. We chatted via text as he was teaching classes and he is concerned n a bit worried about my urgency. He is very sweet and caring. He promises Fri or Sun will be our time, he.s scheduled to record a new project...

I am happy for you and your hubby's success. Sounds like he.s pretty amazing! I am sure you had your turbulence too.
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  #6  
October 22nd, 2011, 09:24 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
It is hard, huh? Sometimes I wish life were like a Cinderella story. Have you thought more of what you want? Sending you tons of hugs right now.
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #7  
October 23rd, 2011, 12:18 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Hi! Those HUGS really help!!! Had a couple of massages this weekend to help quiet the nerves and anxieties. Also helped clear my head a bit. I want to keep this little gem! Still havent been able to pin down Z. His music has him busy and all over. Fri and Sun, the days he thought he had avail were not... I really need to get this off my chest, and though this helps tremendously, it doesnt lift the weight. Would I be wrong to email Z or should I wait to tell in person? I kind of dropped a text on him earlier saying, this is big...we must talk... Which he responded to with, what are you talking about? You.re starting to concern me... Should I just get it off my chest by email though I think its the worse way to tell him. My thinking is he.ll have time to think about things for when we do talk...
Anyone?
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  #8  
October 23rd, 2011, 11:59 PM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: LaMarque, Tx
Posts: 43
I wouldn't do it in an email but maybe a phone call. That's how I had to tell my husband this time. He wasn't happy so I'm glad I did it over the phone but now he is happy. We don't have age issuse though he is 5 years older then me and we already have 2 other kids together.

My cousin however is married to a woman that is 13 years older then he is and they have a lil boy that will be 4 on Halloween. They have been married for 5 years and yes they got married because she was pregnant but the day before the wedding she lost that baby and they still got married and are still going strong. So things can work out for the best. Hope things go the way you want and hope they will go. Good Luck and Congrats on the lil gem!!
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  #9  
October 24th, 2011, 12:14 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Thanks Medina. I couldn't take it another second, I emailed him late last night. I tried to call but he, like me, avoids being on the phone. I finally slept thru the night, first since I found out I.m pregnant. I have been full of anxst, nervous, fearful and losing weight trying to find the best way to tell him. I apologized profusely for the email but I couldnt carry the burden alone another second. This has halted my work, my reno plans, I wasnt functioning due to my worrisome state. My bp was soaring. My son was becoming seriously concerned about my severe mood swings and fatigue, so I had to get it off my chest. Also, with his band's tour schedule over the next 2weeks I figured it was time or I would have to wait till after 11/11 when he gets a break. I couldnt wait that long... Whether he chooses to reply or not, he knows.

Ironically I learned my Grandmother was 13years older than my Grandfather...kind of where Z and I in our difference.
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  #10  
October 25th, 2011, 05:44 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Can't trust an email to deliver the news! Z didnt get my note. Back to square 1... At least I was able to get a little sleep... : (
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  #11  
October 25th, 2011, 08:32 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
Congratulations on your decision!

Now to the next step... Normally I would say face to face or at least by phone but it sounds like you are both so busy. How did you ever have time to have sex? Seriously though I would just send him a text. He has a right to know and that will also give him time to think about it all.

Either way you should join a Due Date club here on JM so you can meet other new mommies to be!
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



Reply With Quote
  #12  
October 26th, 2011, 05:06 AM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Hi, I did send a text last night and he received right as he was training someone. Z's reaction when we spoke at length by phone: he doesnt want to be involved at all. If I keep it he'll hate me because his honest position is he isnt ready to have a child. i would be forcing this on him. He doesnt want any attachments, gf, wife, baby because his life is so hectic while in pursuit of his ambitions. Yeah, I got the this would ruin his life and kill him...male drama. Missy, mommies, its making me rethink my decision. This beauty of a baby wouldnt know its dad, ever. He.s trying to rush me into term'ing it-this weekend if he has his way. Meanwhile, I love it already. I can see my little mixed irish/black baby's face. Feel like I.m back to the start knowing his feelings...
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  #13  
October 26th, 2011, 06:39 AM
LauraTTCat42's Avatar Proud Host TTC-OM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,529
Hi. I was in a predicament once where I had the fear of raising a baby on my own and was considering my options.

*My ex and I separated about 5 months after the birth of our son. After 4 years of separation we decided to give it one more try before we made the decision to divorce. We were together 1 week and then everything went terribly wrong and we decided to file for the divorce. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I told the ex and he demanded I term. But after 2 weeks of thinking about it all I just couldn't do it, I always wanted 2 children and at my age I thought that could very well be my last chance. So I chose to do the pregnancy alone and raise both children alone if need be. I can't say it was easy, because it wasn't/isn't. But I am very happy I decided to have my DD.

I really wish you strength in your decision (((hugs)))
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  #14  
October 26th, 2011, 06:44 AM
LauraTTCat42's Avatar Proud Host TTC-OM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,529
And to add to my last reply...I thought I would be alone forever after my divorce, a single 40+ yr old mom of 2. But, Last year I met the most amazing man. He does not have his own children and no family alive. He has been so accepting and gracious with both of my children and they love him for it as much as I love him for who he is.

I guess we never know what is going to happen, all we can do is stay positive and persevere. GL!
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  #15  
October 26th, 2011, 08:00 AM
Jillianne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Townsend MA
Posts: 1,648
This was so sad to read, I really thought he was gonna be ok with it. I would keep the baby. It could be your last chance at one more!
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  #16  
October 26th, 2011, 08:55 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Seeing a therapist today to help me sort the new info. Laura, your new husband sounds great. Commend him for his beautiful, accepting, loving heart. I was raised by my stepdad as my dad died very young so I know the blessing of a loving man/dad who accepted me as his own. I do know there's no way to predict the outcome or the future. Zach is advising if I do decide I am solo from the point of decision. Jillianne, thanks for the vote. Honestly, if I didnt sign up here and have this support I would just crumble. Cant even eat today so sad. All morning he was texting, this is no good for us. Please do this for him. He went as far as to say this is more about my ego fulfilling prophecy that I am still fertile over making a sensible, logical decision. Btw-he still wants to be friends afterwards. After I kill my little blossoming heartbeat. I told him I would never be able to see him again either way. I dont like expending energy into hate but I.m dangerously close...
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  #17  
October 26th, 2011, 09:12 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Btw-he calls himself a good christian...
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  #18  
October 26th, 2011, 01:10 PM
Jillianne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Townsend MA
Posts: 1,648
Hes gonna call himself Guy-with-a-broken-nose if he treats everyone with this much disrespect
braveandwild likes this.
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  #19  
October 26th, 2011, 02:53 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
I.m so well trained in self defense and martial arts plus knowing anatomy the way I do, I could succesfully dislocate a number of his bones. Believe me. I have endured much torture since my last post. I have neen called psycho, delusional, nuts, crazy. I know he is angry but his ugliness has sealed the deal ladies. I want no comnnection to this sexy nutcase! My happiness has waned, I booked my appointment and told him to pay since this is his request. Now, giving him the cost of $800, yeah pricey but it covers all appointments, meds, and followup, he is wigging out again. i let this happen, I had two chances to fix before it became this big. How does a $200 cost become $800. I.m trying to take his money. I bill at 150+ an hour but trying to take his money...
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  #20  
October 27th, 2011, 07:29 AM
JandJC's Avatar #2 due in April!
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago Area
Posts: 2,277
Kay - I was just following your story. I hope his ugliness did not push you into this decision. This is yours to make as you are carrying this beautiful blessing. I encourage you to give it some more time to TRULY weigh your options. If you rush into it (especially because of his behavior) you may always regret this.

It's not the child's fault that his/her "father" is behaving this way.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decided. I know how happy you were at the thought of carrying this baby and it crushes me to see you feel otherwise.

I say get rid of the ******* and give yourself some time to think it through!
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