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So stressed, scared and confused?! bit of a novel


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
October 20th, 2011, 10:29 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
I need help ladies....

I am 25yrs old, my partner is 29. We have been together 4 years. After being together 2 months, I fell pregnant (through stupidity) and we both decided to terminate the pregnancy. 2 years later I fell pregnant while on the pill and I was pressured into another termination by my partner...Now once again due to the failed pill and antibiotics I am pregnant again. After the 2nd termination I vowed to myself never to do it again, but I also never expected to fall again without planning. We were planning on getting married and having kids one day, apparently. My partner has flipped out, he is so angry and has basically told me I have no choice but to get rid of it. He does NOT want a kid now and if I kept it I would be "f**king up his life". We rent, both have pretty good jobs and although we have some debt, I feel we would be able to make it work, but he does not and says that we would be bringing a child into a crap situation and it wouldn't be fair on them. That we really have nothing and I'm an idiot for thinking that we do. No way is he going to work to support me, while I have to quit my job and stay at home. He has said under no circumstances does he want it right now. That if I kept it, I could basically f**k off and he would make my life a living hell! and I truly believe he would! He has been violent before and it is not beyond him to be again. He would not support me! and I would be selfish for bringing a child into the world without a father that wants them. That he would hate me!

I believe the main issue is that he already has 2 kids from a previous relationship, aged 9 and 6, who he hasn't seen for 6 years due to a ***** of an ex. He suffers daily and is always having nightmares. I think if they were in his life it would be a very different situation, but the fact is they are not! He says he already brought 2 kids into a crap situation and wouldn't do it again!

He's told me that this would be the last time I would have to have an abortion and if I fell pregnant again then there would be nothing he could do. He wants to wait a few years, till we have more, ie a house of our own and more savings.

I know it all sounds s**t, but this guy also has many good qualities and he is the person I fell in love with, the person I was going to marry and have a family with and he told me that's what he wanted to and he says he still does. But part of me can't help think, that if that was the truth and he wanted all those things then, although this is not necessarily the right timing, he wouldn't be SO dead against it. That he would want to discuss it a bit more. I just think that if he's so against it now, how is a few years going to change it and is he ever going to want to have children with me?!?! All I've ever wanted is to be a mum, but never in my life did I imagine going it alone? It would be a daily struggle to get by finacially, I don't even have my own bed! I would basically have to find someone to live with for the next 8 months where I didn't have to pay rent, just provide my own food and pay my share of bills, just so I could save up enough to pay off my credit card and get some furniture and bond for a place of my own. Then after the baby is born, I would have to find a new job with suitable hours and decent money!

I don't know what to do, I want this baby, but I don't think it is right to force someone into parenthood if they don't want it and I don't think it is fair to force that life on a child either. He basically forced me into telling him that I will have the abortion, and yet he won't talk to me or touch me since he found out! I feel so so alone! I honestly feel like I have no choice as either option is a horrible one.

I don't want judgement please and I don't want a million pro-life ppl telling me its murder, but if anyone has been through a similar situation, please....
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  #2  
October 21st, 2011, 09:41 AM
terrordactyl's Avatar sidecars are for *****es
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 152
you don't seem to be in a healthy relationship whether you decide to keep this baby or not you should really think about whether you should stay in a relationship where he is only thinking about your needs not his. do you have any family you could stay with? have you thought about getting government aid they would be able to help you with food/housing and even child care it really seems like you dont want to give this baby up this time and your BF doesn't seem like he's ever going to settle down and want anything
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  #3  
October 22nd, 2011, 09:30 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
I am totally pro choice so no judgment here.

Honestly I read your post and started crying. This guy is horrible. I am just speechless. In a nutshell I would leave him tonight. Pack up some clothes and stay with a friend/family. Even if you decide to have an abortion you deserve to be treated better than this.

You are being emotionally abused and don't even realize it.
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Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
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Do not ever give up hope...


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  #4  
October 22nd, 2011, 10:41 AM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
I agree with terrordactyl. Your relationship appears quite unhealthy and he seems awfully controlling. Not knowing his past, it sounds as if he is reliving it and placing you in his ex's shoes. if you really love your bundle, there is government assistance to help you to relocate, medical expenses, food, WIC, furniture, even utilities. maybe you can stay with a new mom/family that needs help while you are setting up. I had nothing when I had my first boy, now 14, father was clueless. After a while he finally came around though we never reunited after a 3yr relationship prior to conception. i switched careers to accommodate being a mom and am now quite syccessful as a personal trainer and massage therapist. From necessity...

You wont be alone if you decide to keep your baby. You will develop incredible new mommy friendships, and support will come. Dating and relationships dont end after being a mom, they just aren't priority. In time you will find a new mate who supports you, loves you and your baby. As for your bf's ex, it sounds like she may have optted out purposely, he sounds riddled with issues. If he is violent why risk your life, baby or not? Please be careful and safe. HUGs, LOVE and more HUGS.
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  #5  
October 24th, 2011, 12:18 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
Hope you are well today. How is your situation coming along?
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  #6  
October 24th, 2011, 08:48 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Thanks for all your messages...I had a big cry on Saturday and he apologised for not talking to me or touching me and said that it's doing his head in and he feels like an *******, but he still has not doubt in his mind that he doesn't want it and I'm going ahead with the abortion....I was planning on talking to him again, but unfortunetly I've spent the last 24 hours huddled by the toilet bowl with a bout of food poisoning, constant vomiting and diarrhea....so yuck! This morning I was so weak I couldn't stand in the shower. Part of me thinks its the baby making sure we know its here, his response...."maybe you should try and get an earlier appointment, you don't want to be off work". We had a lot of trouble about for about a year where he became very controlling and demanding, but things have been good for the last 6 months, until this.

Your exactly right though KaynZachBundle, I feel like he is reliving his past and putting me in his ex's shoes, like I'll be like her! Although they were both wrong in his past relationship, she has used the kids as a tool to punish him and despite her own family trying, she refuses to let him have anthing to do with them.
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  #7  
October 24th, 2011, 09:11 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
Regardless of what you end up doing with this pregnancy you need to get out of this relatonship. It's abusive and unhealthy. You should never have to live in fear that your partner might hurt you and that's no environment to bring a child into. Do you have family or friends that you could go to?

There are lots of programs out there to help you out of this situation as well. Maybe try calling a domestic abuse/crisis line and checking with your local police department. Also try contact a social worker for info even if you don't directly use their services.

He can't legally "make your life a living hell". You need to let your employer, family, and friends know what up and that you are going to leave him. Getting an order of protection might also be a very good thing for you to do as well.
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  #8  
October 25th, 2011, 06:08 PM
Regular
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 59
I know abusive tactics, believe me. My sons dad was emotionally and verbally abusive, basically a bully and control freak. I would cry for days after one of his rants, not eat, stay in bed feeling knocked down by his efforts and he never layed a hand on me. Total control freak with nothing really to offer, so he resorted to what he thought he had over me...my love for him. He's never changed. My son doesnt really respect him because he sees how difficult he made my life. I wish I could take you in, I have an empty house I am renovating and just show you what good love and support feels like. My heart is breaking for you truly.

I took control by raising my son happily, healthily and financially alone and he is an incredible young teen. Very smart. The best way for you to be happy is a clean swift break, fast and furious. You will recover. I left my work as a noted music publicist to live on welfare for a year so I could be home with my baby. I returned to work in a more traditional 9-5 environment and my son and I have a close bond that no one can break. I was your age, its possible if you really love your bundle. You are not alone, it only feels that way. He.s not going to be there the way you need him to, ever. Why settle for less or make do when it comes to your life partner? Get him out of your head girl...so you can have a beautiful and empowering life. Hhhhhuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggssssss..
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