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How to PLAN an unplanned pregnancy.....this hs got to be a first


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 14th, 2012, 10:30 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,395
Where do I begin? I don't even know. My husband is 43 and has two kids from a previous marriage ages almost 11 and 8. They live with us 50% of the time. I always dreamed of having a huge family. When I was little, even as young as 6, the only thing I ever daydreamed about was having children! I never imagined the big, fancy and glorious wedding....simply the children I would have. I was engaged almost 7 years ago and broke it off because I knew I was settling. Shortly after I became involved with this man, my husband, that I thought and STILL think the world of. He is a beautiful man and though sometimes rough on the exteriror, he is a softee. He is a family practice doctor. When I got involved with him I knew he didn't want anymore kids but was willing to have one with me because I did. We ended up even having two because I couldn't stand to have only one of my own. I raise his two other children 50% of the time and love them dearly. The problem is that even after having two of my own, I am not fulfilled. He always says he will do anything to make me happy and yet this is hardly something to just appease someone with. I waited (as I said since I was 6...no joke) for my dream; my childbearing ages. Well...given my oldest birth daughter is just under 3 and my other one 9, they lasted a whole 2 years. It plagues me to think they are over and even though they are still young, I never imagined feeling like this. I'm in love with my husband, but what do I do with this? I want him to be happy too but my feelings are terrifying me.

I want so desperately to think that GOD will bless me, somehow with another child and that everything will work out. Right now it seems like a pipe dream. My husband barely wanted 1, nevermind 2 more, ......and now I want a 3rd? I briefly mentioned it to him tonight and he has been observing me feeling down. He said (though not sure how serious he was) that we could have more kids. I know he truly doesn't want more and given he is 13 years older than me, that becomes another component. What do I do?

Right now we are using the withdrawal method. UNFORTUNATELY, dh is very successful at this. He has used it with 2 exes (one being his ex wife) for years and me, here and there, and never gotten anyone pregnant. TMI...but we never have sex two days in a row so any left over sperm he has, is killed off by urine so any hopes of pre-cum having sperm, is probably none. I don't want to get pregnant now, but I wish I knew I could in a few years. I am BF and plan to do so til my DD naturally weans. (hopefully not before 2) This is awful but I am actually trying to pick the BC that is least effective so that in the FUTURE there is a greater chance of an OOPS baby. I can take the mini pill which only thickens your CM and is very sesnitive to time and not as effective. Or, I can continue to use the withdrawal method, although dh really does have perfect timing. What should I do? I feel so down and almost as if I went from being a young 25 year old woman, just married, and beginning her life, to ...in 2 years....done expanding her family. Does anyone have some advice



signed,

sad, confused, and longing

P.S. dh does know how I feel and does want to make me happy...and yet, this is ahrdly something to just appease someone with. He never came right out ad said okay to it either.
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  #2  
January 15th, 2012, 11:59 PM
MauMama's Avatar formerly La_Sirena
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Aotearoa
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Why is your happiness more important than his? Why is his happiness more important than yours?

I think for him, he's leaving the time of your life when you conquer and mate and reproduce and is thinking about his future. Retirement, college funds, time for himself and his wife. Having another baby just takes on more debt, more time he doesn't get with his family, etc. He may just want life to settle down so he can enjoy it.

Not everyone enjoys the ups and downs of life and wants a really smooth ride. Babies bring a lot of ups and downs. And he did just give you another child. So...as far as he is concerned...it's time to let a sleeping dog lie.

You need to go to a counselor and talk about what you can do to build a life for yourself that doesn't involve babies. Sure, you've dreamed about it. Great. Amen.

But, they will not always be babies and they will leave your arms. What will your life be then? What if you have a 3rd and suddenly need a 4th?

There are thousands of couples on this planet who want a single child who never get it. They build their lives around what they are good at, what makes them happy, giving back.

I believe the phrase is biting your nose to spite your face.

You HAVE the dream family. Are you willing to embrace what you have vs what you feel you need?
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  #3  
January 16th, 2012, 08:56 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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By saying that his happiness is just as important as mine, I was trying to convey that we are equal and both love eachother so much that BOTH of are always willing to do something to make the other happy. (if in case they tend to be opposing things.) I love him more than I love myself and visa versa.

I try to be honest with my feelings because I feel that if I am not, I never have a chance at either coming to terms with them or having needs met. I can't help that I feel I want more kids. I would love if I didn't feel this desire because pregnancies are very tough for me.

As far as I see it, he didn't give ME a child, we gave eachother a blessing to share for the rest of our lives. I rasie his other 2 as if they are mine when they are with me, but I never throw it in his face that I have given them a mother in his home because children are not like flowers, we don't just give them to one another as presents. My desire to have more children doesn't stem from not cherishing what I already have but rather just a desire of my heart. For me, there is no career that can fulfill or measure up to a child. I have tons of hobbies and am passionate about a lot and yet, this doesn't change that I desire more children. Whether or not it will happen, well that to me, is left to GOD in part. For now, I can only be honest with myself.
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  #4  
January 16th, 2012, 11:08 PM
MauMama's Avatar formerly La_Sirena
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And that's good that you are honest, but I think you both need to go to someone neutral and get it all out on the table. It sounds like you *are* resentful that you're raising *his* children and that he has a large family and you only have 1/2 of what you want.

I don't think you should be getting your emotions up just yet. I'm asking hard questions because this is something that could potentially end your marriage if you trick your way into a pregnancy or force him into something he just doesn't want.

No one's happiness is worth more. A partnership is about bending and making life malleable. I don't think tricking your marriage into another child is the way to go.
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Jen + Matt
Parents to Sophie, the Wondergirl
Asperger's Syndrome
Joint Hypermobility
GERD & Constipation
Anxiety


Angels Autum & Isla (2007)
+ 7 others (2002 - 2011)

Mama with arthritis & connective tissue disorder called TRaPS
I've been charting since Jan 16, 2001 and TTA since April 2007.
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  #5  
January 17th, 2012, 02:22 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,395
omg, I don't want to trick him, I'm trying to just pick the best method of BC that has the little interference at all so that I can live it up to GOD or "meant to be." as opposed to controlling it myself. I understand the hard questions and respect you for asking them. I actually adore al the kids, even though 2 aren't mine by birth. It is more or less about just feling that perhaps I still may desire more. I have talked to him about it and he has said that he would do anything to make me happy and that although he did not desire another child.....maybe we would revisit it in a few years. He knows my sadness regarding that my child bearing years may be over. I understand his position as well. For now, we are just rolling with life but in the meantime, I would like to use a BC that is not as invasive in hopes to not alter much right now. He is okay with that too. He knows if we ever got pregnant I would never terminate so he is sort of choosing to play Russian Roulette with this. This tells me he is not too concerned. He is a doctor and knows the risk of using the withdrawal method etc. and yet...he says he is okay with it.
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  #6  
January 19th, 2012, 05:14 PM
babygreenes.mommy
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well, i can say i understand how you feel wanting more. my husband is 17 years older than me, has 4 kids from a previous relationship, and we have 1 on the way. he takes on the same thinking "i will do anything to make you happy", but before i agreed to conceive, i made sure he wanted a baby too. he did, but i think if i were to go to him asking for more, he would by that point be agreeing JUST to make me happy, and i don't want that. i will be happy with just 1 with him if the alternative is him really not wanting more but sacrificing what he wants. i still see his kids as my own as well, and it's always been my wish to just at least have 1 healthy happy baby.

i actually did ask him about having more, and he said "we can, but i want to space them out in age", but then when i went to him last night and said i think i'd be happy just having the one we're pregnant with, he said "OK!" lol. he's 40 years old. he's in a different time in his life, and while he wants to make me happy all the time and give me what i want, i want him to have the same. i know it can be hard, but when it comes down to it, you have 2 beautiful children with him.
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  #7  
January 20th, 2012, 02:56 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
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I wouldn't recommend doing this because it takes all trust out of your relationship. Just because you would be using "least effective birth control" or using birth control incorrectly still makes it trickery. You need to be honest and upfront with your husband and let him know that you want more children. If you are unable or unwilling to do so you really need to seek indivdual and couples counseling. Choices like this are highly irresponsible and juvenile.

How do you think your husband would feel if he found out that you were thinking of doing this or did this? It makes you no different from high school girls "forgetting" to take their pill to keep their boyfriend or a misstress poking holes in condoms to keep a married man. I know it sounds harsh but that's the reality of the situation.
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