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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
February 5th, 2012, 11:07 AM
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I just discovered I'm 5 weeks pregnant and I do not want to have an abortion for a reason I can't explain. The father and his family want me to have an abortion. They are Chinese and abortions are not taboo to them as they are to Americans (one child policy). My family also wants me to have an abortion because I'm at the cusp of my career and they are afraid being an unwed mother would ruin my advancement potential by tarnishing my reputation, limiting my working hours, and may even get me fired. All of our friends think it would be better if we abort it, too.

My boyfriend and I had been living in Washington DC for the past seven months, but I decided to break up because I wanted to move back to the midwest to be closer to my family. He begged me to stay, asked me the marry him, but I hated DC. I left DC 4 weeks ago and started a new job at a large, prestigious law firm. And then found out I was pregnant.

My ex-boyfriend and are are both attorneys. We make six-figure salaries. We are well educated, successful individuals from good families. I am 27 and he is 33.

My ex-boyfriend said that if I have the child, he will quit his job and move to the midwest to be a part of the child's life. Joint custody 50/50. But said he will resent me and the child for leaving his job in DC, his family in DC, and for forcing him into a situation that could easily be avoided through the abortion pill. He said he will hate me forever and we will bring a child into a broken home. He said this ******* child will be shunned from his traditional Chinese family. He said it's selfish for me to base this decision on what I want because this child's birth will affect our entire family and our jobs where people depend on us. He said having this child out of wedlock will ensure it grows up in an toxic environment.

We are both Atheists, so none of the religious arguments sway me. But I just cannot bring myself to do the abortion pill in two weeks. I feel connected to this child. I feel abortion is a waste of potential. This child could have so much potential to do great things. But I know bringing this child into the world will ruin his life, and make my and our families life incredibly difficult. How selfish am I being by wanting to keep this child?

I really need some feedback.
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  #2  
February 5th, 2012, 11:27 AM
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I wish I knew what to say. I didn't feel as though I could just skip over this post once I read it, you deserve a response. I just don't know the right thing to say.

I will say, it is NOT selfish to not want to abort. This child DOES have potential and bringing a baby up in an unwed, single parent household absolutely DOES NOT ruin a child's life. You make enough money that you could give this child a wonderful life and I don't think that as many people have hang-ups about single parents as you would think.

You have to make the decision that is right for *you*. :hugs:
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  #3  
February 5th, 2012, 12:08 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacup3 View Post
My ex-boyfriend and are are both attorneys. We make six-figure salaries. We are well educated, successful individuals from good families. I am 27 and he is 33.

My ex-boyfriend said that if I have the child, he will quit his job and move to the midwest to be a part of the child's life. Joint custody 50/50. But said he will resent me and the child for leaving his job in DC, his family in DC, and for forcing him into a situation that could easily be avoided through the abortion pill. He said he will hate me forever and we will bring a child into a broken home. He said this ******* child will be shunned from his traditional Chinese family. He said it's selfish for me to base this decision on what I want because this child's birth will affect our entire family and our jobs where people depend on us. He said having this child out of wedlock will ensure it grows up in an toxic environment.

But I know bringing this child into the world will ruin his life, and make my and our families life incredibly difficult. How selfish am I being by wanting to keep this child?
I just wanted to scream reading your post. First of all, it is not "just taking a pill" and it all goes away. You will feel physical pain just like giving birth and not only that the emotional toll will last the rest of your life. As you would be terminating this pregnancy not really wanting to you will need therapy for a long time and even then you will be emotionally scared forever. You will dream about the baby that should have been. You will hate yourself for terminating the pregnancy.

I was a single mom for 15 years and my boys have turned out to be wonderful young men. I was still able to hold down a great job and I did make 6 figures while raising them alone. All 3 boys are emotionally stable and have not had any issues with getting in trouble with the law, or at school and my youngest has a 4.0 average despite "the toxic environment." He says this child will ruin his life - what about yours?

You are not selfish - he is the selfish one. You sound intelligent and have a great future ahead of yourself - as a great lawyer AND mother.

Tell him to kiss your A*@ and if he wants out then walk away but you will be taking him to court for child support. You got this, it may seem very scary now but you can do this. If I can raise 3 boys completely on my own you can do it too.

I am not against termination, I am pro-choice but it sounds like you want to keep and raise your baby. Do not let him bully and intimidate you into doing something you don't want to do. ((hugs))


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  #4  
February 5th, 2012, 01:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missy123 View Post
it sounds like you want to keep and raise your baby. Do not let him bully and intimidate you into doing something you don't want to do. ((hugs))


I agree!
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  #5  
February 5th, 2012, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missy123 View Post
I just wanted to scream reading your post. First of all, it is not "just taking a pill" and it all goes away. You will feel physical pain just like giving birth and not only that the emotional toll will last the rest of your life. As you would be terminating this pregnancy not really wanting to you will need therapy for a long time and even then you will be emotionally scared forever. You will dream about the baby that should have been. You will hate yourself for terminating the pregnancy.

I was a single mom for 15 years and my boys have turned out to be wonderful young men. I was still able to hold down a great job and I did make 6 figures while raising them alone. All 3 boys are emotionally stable and have not had any issues with getting in trouble with the law, or at school and my youngest has a 4.0 average despite "the toxic environment." He says this child will ruin his life - what about yours?

You are not selfish - he is the selfish one. You sound intelligent and have a great future ahead of yourself - as a great lawyer AND mother.

Tell him to kiss your A*@ and if he wants out then walk away but you will be taking him to court for child support. You got this, it may seem very scary now but you can do this. If I can raise 3 boys completely on my own you can do it too.

I am not against termination, I am pro-choice but it sounds like you want to keep and raise your baby. Do not let him bully and intimidate you into doing something you don't want to do. ((hugs))


I agree as well! You do what YOU need to.
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  #6  
February 5th, 2012, 06:39 PM
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I agree with Missy, don't let anyone else bully you into doing something you don't want to do. It sounds like you want to keep your baby, so I will respond with that in mind. In recent years I have learned that nothing is insurmountable and that everything has a way of working out, even if you can't possibly see how. It does not take two parents to raise a child, just one that really loves them. It will be difficult for you in that having a baby is exhausting business, but you are 100% capable of doing it on your own. If your ex truly will resent the baby, then I would tell him that his presence is not required. I am sorry for the pressure you are under, and more importantly I am sorry that your feelings and your baby's life holds so little value to your ex and your families.
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  #7  
February 5th, 2012, 06:57 PM
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I am your age. Which seems important when thinking about what I would do in your shoes. I got pregnant with my first son out of wedlock...and there is where the story changes. I knew without a doubt that I was keeping my child. And it certainly sounds like you know the same thing (if I am reading your post correctly). I got lucky and had a man who wanted our child as well. We did not make 6 figures (hardly even close), we did not have a lot of family close, we did not really know each other terribly well enough to be expecting a baby together. But we made it work. Because a child does have potential and he/she could be the thing that changes the way we all look at the world. It was scary and I did not necessarily have the support of others in my life (my partner's life either). But like Missy said...you can absolutely do this and letting someone bully you into making a choice you are not comfortable with is going to lead to lasting consequences. You will forever mourn "what could have been."

You don't really need, nor would I want, this guy to be a part of that child's life. He sounds controlling and emotionally manipulative. If he says this stuff about your unborn child now, what is he going to say to him/her in the future? I think you are strong and capable and can provide a wonderful life for the child you are carrying. There are women who do it everyday. And it is hard, no lie there. But I can say without a shadow's hesitation that I would not change the course of my unexpected pregnancy one bit. He is amazing and perfect. He makes my world go round (as does his little brother, who has the same father). I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. For help making your decision. I too am pro-choice but it sounds like you made your choice and are just trying to find a way to make it work now. And I wish you tons of luck with that.
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  #8  
February 5th, 2012, 08:44 PM
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I discovered there are many successful individuals that grew up without a father (including US presidents). But I'm still concerned I may be setting the child up for unnecessary heartbreak.

Yea, the ex-boyfriend is definitely manipulative. But we're both A-types and not being in control is difficult for both of us.

I know if I decide to terminate, I will mourn the loss of potential. It will be devastating. Likely, irreparably damaging. But I'm wondering if it is better for me to bear that pain on my own, than bring a child into this world with a resentful father. Because this child will live with that heartache, and that is also irreparably damaging.
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  #9  
February 5th, 2012, 10:42 PM
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First off, I just want to say what an incredibly strong woman you are. I praise you for that. I will not judge your ex-boyfriend.......sounds like he was raised in a different culture than you, and this IS the typical response from that type of culture. He does not know any better......not an excuse, but you probably knew this about him before you ever got in this situation with him.

He may or may not feel different once you have YOUR baby. Sounds like you have not based your decision on what he is going to do one way or the other. I do however feel your family WILL feel different once your baby is here. Most likely they will be very supportive of your decision and be in your baby's life.

The only thing that will make your baby's life "toxic" is if you decide to let someone with ideals like your ex's be apart of YOUR baby's upbringing. If this is his belief, and the way he has been raised, he will one day make it known to YOUR baby his true feelings. The hardest job you will have other than raising this baby, is to undo all the damage your ex and his family will one day cause your baby to experience. I really feel for you.......but with the amount of determination your showing in your writing's here, I feel this little baby will have the best life anyone could be given. Stay strong to your heart/gut and let NO ONE tell you otherwise. Never settle for anything less than that. Good luck to you and your baby......you will come out on top.
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  #10  
February 6th, 2012, 06:46 AM
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Let me add my story here. I was 16 years old when I got pregnant with my first child. I was still in high school, had absolutely no support from anyone in both my family or my child's father family, but I knew in my heart that I could not abort the child I was carrying even though I was getting a lot of pressure to do so. My only mistake was marrying the child's father thinking that was the best thing to do.

Fast forward 11 years later. I have my son--my beautiful son--who I could NEVER live my life without. Things were hard for me, but I finished high school (even though I gave birth to my daughter a few months afterwards), and I worked full time as a single mother (this was after my ex abandoned me when I was pregnant by accident with my daughter as we were on birth control). I did it. I even have a few years of college under my belt and I could get my degree in one year of going to school full time.

My point being is that you need to do what YOU want to do. It is not anyones choice but your own. The simple fact is that you should not even consider anyone else's feelings on the matter, not even the father when deciding to keep a child. It is your body, your decision, your feelings.

Things were a lot harder for me with my situation, but I survived and even thrived. I met a wonderful man almost 6 years ago who loved both me and my children unconditionally. He adopted them 2 years ago, and it was the best decision we ever made as a family. I often forget that he is not their biological father. We are now expecting and this is my first planned pregnancy. I never in a million years though that would happen, but it did.

I do believe that even with your career, you are in a lot better situation than I was. Also, do not beleive that you will traumatize your children without a father. My children were never traumatized and could care less about the man who was their sperm donor. They received more than enough love to compensate. As for your family too, they will come around. My family loves my children, and they could not imagine their life without them.
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  #11  
February 6th, 2012, 07:27 AM
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all the other ladies gave excellent advice.

I would just add that anyone who says that it is selfish to want to keep your baby is selfish themselves. having a baby is the most selfLESS thing you can ever do. the baby is counting on you to love them and take care of them.

Also, based on what your ex is saying now. I would start making all of your comunication written and I would NEVER let him have 50/50 custody of a child he resents. thats emotional turmoil you don't want your child to endure. if your ex comes around, great, but i wouldn't let him have that much exposure to your child if he isn't going to treat you child decent. and all this is NO reason to abort your child. kids have to deal with douch-bag parents, its just something that happens sometimes. it doesn't make them turn out to be bad kids or scared...they just get to learn the life lesson that some people suck earlier then others.
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  #12  
February 6th, 2012, 07:43 AM
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Take your ex out of the equation. It sounds like YOU want this child. It won't be easy, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can do it, if it is what you want.

I also agree you can fight the ex about getting custody. Do all communication by email, keep it all. If he resents this child and his family refuses to accept him or her he is going to be pretty hard pressed to get 50/50 custody.

Good luck with your decision. It's not an easy one- if you can I would even schedule time with a therapist before you decide.
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  #13  
February 6th, 2012, 07:45 AM
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I agree with Laurie. It sounds like in your heart, you know you want to keep this baby. NO other argument matters!! That is it! You WANT this baby. I was raised by a single mother who rocked!! She took care of us, and worked her *** off to support us. She is the mother I inspire to be. It IS possible. Your ex's arguments are ignorant. If he will resent the baby, then he doesn't need to see the baby. End of story. Motherhood is so very hard, but it is the BEST thing that will ever happen to you. Good luck!
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  #14  
February 6th, 2012, 09:23 AM
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I agree with everyone above! If you want this baby, it's YOUR decision, his family may be from China, but we live in the USA - there is a reason there is a culture clash there, but the fact is that you have the FREEDOM to choose, the right to choose what you want to do with YOUR body. Don't abort just because it will be easier for you to deal with that emotional pain, you have no idea what that might do to yourself. If abortion is something that you WANT, it's your choice, but it doesn't sound like that is what you are saying at all!

Here is my story - my mom got pregnant with me by accident at 20 years old, was on her way to becoming a doctor, quit school and decided to have me, while my dad didn't necessarily resent me, he was not by any means ready to be a father. He was a partier, out all night, leaving my mom to essentially raise me alone, coming around at his convenience. While, yes, I wish I had had a stronger relationship with my father, he made his bed and now he wants to fix it...too late. We talk, but we aren't close, I am a strong person and am successful (not financially successful - but that isn't important) but I grew up raised by a wonderful woman (a single mother who loved me tremendously and would do anything for me), went to college, have a great job, great family, and couldn't be happier with my life!

I would not let your ex into that baby's life, I would tell him that you don't want anything from him for this child, especially being that you sound like you don't need it. If he is going to act like a child and be selfish himself, let him be, that child will be a better person for not being around that type of person. If he tries to fight you for custody, be sure to have all of his statements in writing (you know this, you are a successful lawyer) and take him to court! You don't deserve to be treated like that and neither does your child.

I agree, you should perhaps see a therapist before making any decisions, using that "pill" or having a procedure is permanent, there is no going back after that, so think very carefully, although it sounds as though you know what you are going to do!
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  #15  
February 6th, 2012, 10:54 AM
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I agree with everyone else here. If you want this baby, then take on the challenge and love every moment of it. You cannot control what your ex does, how he behaves and what kind of father he would be or not be. I will say that as much as he might do some damage as a horrible dad, you can do the same amount of good as a good parent. So many children grow up strong, happy, healthy and awesome despite the absence of a parent. Let your child decide what his/her life will be, how they will grow and overcome their own obstacles. Let your child determine the future of their own life. Don't decide for them now that things are going to be bad just because of a dead beat dad. Let him or her glean from your obvious love and strength and fly! Good luck with whatever you decide.
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  #16  
February 6th, 2012, 02:03 PM
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... And I want to add, even though this is just "the internet" we are here for you. Feel free to post away and no matter what you decide to do we are right here with you... non-judgemental.

Much love to you from your new JM sisters.
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  #17  
February 7th, 2012, 06:35 AM
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You want your baby, you can provide for your baby. I think you will do a fine job raising this baby on your own, and to heck with the ex. The ex is the one being selfish - making threats and trying to manipulate. If you can, cut the ex out of your life entirely. If what he said is really how he feels, he probably doesn't need much convincing. Maybe he is just worried about having to pay child support, or his family knowing he has a child he isn't going to support. If you do well in your own career, then you don't need him to pay support and you can tell him to tell his family that you had the abortion and then never talk to them again. Whatever you need to do to absolve him of responsibility and get him out of your life (and the baby's). Then you have no worries over how he will treat the baby or what damage he can cause. You can raise your child as you wish.

Another option is to give the baby up for adoption. A hard decision no matter the circumstances, but if you really don't think you can get rid of the toxic ex or make the situation okay with him and you still really don't want to snuff out the potential of the baby - it might be the right solution for you. I know there are many parents who are all too willing to nurture that potential for you if you cannot.

In any case, please don't abort a baby if that is not where your heart is at - you will forever regret it.
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  #18  
February 7th, 2012, 07:39 PM
JennLynn_'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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The word selfish does not even ring true here at all.

Wanting to keep a baby is far from selfish. It is loving. I'm completely pro-choice, and not judging you on what you do either way. But I don't think your want to keep this baby is selfish by any means.

However... your ex putting that guilt on you... THAT is selfish.
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  #19  
February 8th, 2012, 07:25 AM
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My opinion is do what makes you happy. If you choose to keep the baby and he chooses to move out west to be with you than that is HIS decision and as far as I'm concerned he can't resent you for it. He can stick around in DC and not be part of the baby's life if his job is really what matters to him. Obviously your family matters to you so if it was me I'd tell him not to bother moving out west to be with us if it wasn't what he really wanted.

It sounds like you have an established career, you are done school and your life is stable. Things could be a lot worse for you. You are close to your family now so you have support, there's no reason you can't handle this.

People telling you to have an abortion is just plain cruel. The decision is ultimately yours and I really dislike when people give advice like keep the baby or don't keep the baby. No one should ever offer up that advice. I also don't think you should let his family's pressure affect your decision - you should only do what feels right.

BTW I also had an unplanned pregnancy with my SO and we both have stable jobs and have graduated from university. At this point in my life the idea of having an abortion seemed selfish to me because I knew I was actually capable of handling having a child. It seems ironic to me that you feel selfish for wanting to keep it.

p.s. I just wanted to add your employer cannot fire you for being pregnant and as a lawyer I hope they'd think twice about trying that one on you.
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Last edited by one.juniper; February 8th, 2012 at 07:28 AM.
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  #20  
March 14th, 2012, 12:01 AM
Jinnah
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I just wanted to say that so many men have said this same old load of crap that your child's father has said and totally regret it later. Once they see their child, something in them changes. He is already willing to move near your child, he will do better once he meets his child. Just roll your eyes when he says this stuff and have your baby.
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