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  • 1 Post By one.juniper

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  #1  
March 13th, 2012, 08:38 PM
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My wife and I have been married for many years and are both over 40. We never really talked about kids. We have both been very happy with our marriage and careers. In the last few years, she started to talk about having children. She has no family to speak of and has worried that she would alone later in life. That is honestly one of the reasons we considered children. After a lot of discussions, we decided that we would try fertility measures, because the natural way wasn’t working. We had a fertility procedure, which I believe worked, but she did not become pregnant. Immediately following the procedure, she said she had done this for all the wrong reasons and didn't want it. I was stunned. Once it was clear that it hadn’t worked, I actually was completely relieved. We obviously did not return for follow up procedures.

Recently she took a pregnancy test, which was positive, then had it confirmed. She has since dipped into a deep depression, saying she does not want to be pregnant, does not want to take care of a child. I ask her if she would love a child of ours and she says she would. But all she talks about is the high risk of pregnancy at our ages (a risk that I know is absolutely real). She is terrified of having a child with a major birth defect, DS, etc.....So am I. I honestly don't think we could cope with that if it happened. However, she is seriously considering terminating the pregnancy now. She knows I do not support that for no good reason. Therefore, she feels like she has no choice and thinks whatever she does, it will destroy us. I honestly don’t know how I would feel if she terminates it without a very, very good reason, but I know I can't continue to live with her being depressed at every waking moment. She will not talk to anyone other than me and won't allow me to speak to anyone about it. She is a wonderful person and I think she would be a great mother. But I just don't know what to do. I do not believe in abortion, but I honestly would consider it if it meant I was going to lose her otherwise. I am so lost. I love my wife to my core. But I don't know what to do.
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  #2  
March 14th, 2012, 12:53 AM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Tennessee
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Hello and welcome! You need to support her in whatever she chooses to do. It really sounds like she's just scared though. It's common for women who unexpectedly become pregnant and even women who are actively TTC to have regrets and what if's. I would get her to an OBGYN or midwife ASAP. There are all kinds of tests available these days that can let you know very early on if there are issues. A Dr will be able to go over them and explane them more to both of you and hopefully ease some or all of her fears.

Plus seeing an ultrasound and hearing/seeing a heartbeat could be just what she needs. Send her our way! We'd love to talk to her and help her with what she is going though. Good luck!
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  #3  
March 14th, 2012, 06:25 AM
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I understand exactly what she is going through-and maybe that's the reason I went through it so I can help you now. What are the odds that I would be looking at this site today? I was 38 and exactly in her shoes w/ an unplanned pregnancy. What you have to understand is that your hormones make you so off in your thinking that you really can't make a good decision & you want to escape the situation. She will regret terminating this pregnancy more than she will ever now - the termination is what will destroy your marriage, not the baby. She still has a great chance of having a healthy baby. Take all the tests that are offered to you & do the amnio. ONLY if the amnio comes back positive, consider terminating. If she doesn't give that baby a chance, that is what will destroy everything. To never get to hold it, kiss it goodnight - see it's first step and hear it say "I love you mama" is the worst thing imaginable. This is her last chance to do this and don't let her reject this amazing gift. After the first trimester and some the testing has been done to make you feel like everyone is going to get thru this healthy, she will start to love that baby. I ran away from my situation and have spent a year trying to get pregnant again, because I miss it so much. I cry every day - my husband's ready to leave me and I can't be a good mom to my older child, because I'm pining away for the child I will never see. It's so scary to consider you odd of DS - BUT 1 in 100, means 99 babies are born without it. Also, if she's depressed, she needs to go see a therapist. Talking about everything out loud is soooo helpful. I play out all these worst-case scenarios in your head, plus the hormones, it makes you think crazy thoughts. Trust me nothings worse than facing the next 40 years regreting your decision & not being able to "fix" it.
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  #4  
March 14th, 2012, 10:27 AM
one.juniper's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't want to be hard on you and I know I couldn't possibly understand your position in life seeing as I'm only in my 20s. However, at the age of 40+ I think you and your wife should have a well developed sense of responsibility.

I doubt you went into fertility treatment without significant consideration of what you were actually undertaking. Either you changed your minds because you are having cold feet or because you didn't actually give it the thought it deserved - which would be reprehensible in my opinion. You mention worries of complication, did you not think about this before?

You've now produced a living being. I am pro-choice all around, but your story just sounds so irresponsible to me, perhaps more so because of your age (I don't know). You made a choice to bring a life into this world, I don't think its truly fair of you to suddenly change your mind. A baby shouldn't be looked at as a thing which can be returned. Its a person.

I know my post is harsh but it's honest. I think both of you are reacting emotionally with fear to a new and unknown situation and should consult your doctor to help you make a choice with clear minds. As a teen my mom would always say to me, it was my decision which brought me to this place and now I have to deal with the consequences. I think by now as adults you should have learned the important lesson of dealing with the consequences of your actions.
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  #5  
March 14th, 2012, 11:16 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Savannah GA
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Hi and Welcome to JM! I am 42 years old and just had a daughter 4 months ago. I had a few of the same fears with birth defects ect... that you and your wife have. Having a baby later in life has a different set of challenges than in your younger years. (I also have 3 boys that I had in my 20's)...

I would go to the doctor and consider seeing a genetic counselor. They will recommend the testing that would be good for the both of you to make the right decision for your family. I saw one and we ended up doing an amino among a few other tests. It will also be harder on her body to be pregnant at this age so please help her out around the house, rub her back ect...

If she is depressed she needs to get help from either a therapist, doctor or both. There is nothing to be ashamed about on her end - pregnancy hormones can make a woman go crazy!

The 10 months of pregnancy are HARD and it can test the patience of even the best of husbands. Hang in there - take her to an obgyn, get her help for the depression, see a genetic counselor and the minute that baby is born everything you are going through will be a thing of the past.
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  #6  
March 14th, 2012, 07:45 PM
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I appreciate all the thoughts-even the harsh ones. Thank you for your kindness and your honesty.
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  #7  
March 16th, 2012, 09:51 PM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Give her some time. It can be a huge shock in the beginning and I completely understand how her emotions could be running completely wild at this point. Hormones are amazing for that. Support her as much as possible. They have so many different tests that they can do now so that way if there is anything wrong with the baby you'll know ahead of time and can choose to either terminate the pregnancy or not.
On the positive side my mother had my baby sister when she was 46 years old and my baby sister turned out perfectly healthy.
To me it sounds like her emotions are trying to guard her from the dissapointment of the "what ifs" (which is completely understandable) Try to let her know that whatever happens she will be okay and you will always be there to support her. Make sure to let her know that you see her being a wonderful mother and try to get her to see that too.
I hope she comes around whether you decide to keep the baby or not. I myself could never go through with an abortion but I do understand when people make that choice. Have you considered adoption though?
Good luck with everything and let us know how things go. Maybe you can introduce her to some of the boards on here? I find it always helps when you can talk to people who are going through or have already gone through the same thing.
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