Log In Sign Up

My great debate...


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree2Likes

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Unplanned Pregnancy LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
March 19th, 2012, 08:49 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
I don't know if I should do it. I just confirmed I am pregnant, less than a month. It was straight up irresponsibility and ignorance that lead me here. I feel like a failure as a woman for just letting it happen. I am already a mother to two youngsters and of course struggling enough as it is.

My boyfriend doesn't know, and he's not even officially my boyfriend as we are both waiting to be in a better financial place before taking a life together seriously. I don't think I could do this to him... He has enough on his plate, but I know either way would destroy him. He's not ready now but it would break his heart if he found out I got rid of it..
I do not know how I let this happen.

I feel like I could sneak in, have it done and then take it to my grave, but on the other hand I so badly want my best friends opinion and support but too scared to ask for it. And what if there were complications and it left unanswered questions for my boyfriend later? What if I told him and let him help me decide the best course of action? Then I worry, what if I let him help me decide and we both choose not to keep it - then will he resent me after and then run away? What if I keep it from him and he finds out later? I lose either way! I am at a loss.. I'm rambling and confused..

I think about the long term implications and I just don't like them. I worry for everything and everyone involved. My job doesn't have maternity leave and I don't make enough to be taking time off post partum. I couldn't ask my sitter (family friend) to take on a newborn - it's not affordable for me nor doable for her. My children need a lot of attention and I'm happy to give it to them, especially the older they get the more fun and personable they become - I don't want to miss out on that! I feel like my boyfriend would feel obligated to marry me over this and I do not want a marriage out of necessity or chivalry. I don't think he would be able to commit from his heart, he would be self pressured into it. How can I burden everyone around me in the name of staying morally sound?

I do want a third child, with my husband whoever he may be, I don't feel like the time is now, but I'm torn between my own hypocrisy and what I think would be best. I don't know if I should follow my angel or my devil. I don't have the gut feeling that everything would work out this time, but who am I to say that or to know? I can honestly say with my first two pregnancies I never felt scared a day the entire time nor after. I always *knew* it was right. This one just feels wrong... but it happened, and I don't know how to proceed. I haven't even cried yet and I know I want to. I just feel numb to everything but the fear.

I am struggling for the answer and running out of time to reach it. Please help me, kindly if you can. I am praying as a new member I can find decent and understanding women here in my time of crisis.

Last edited by Aero22; March 19th, 2012 at 08:56 PM. Reason: Title
Reply With Quote
  #2  
March 20th, 2012, 06:11 PM
Co Host - July 2011 PR
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 672
I'm so sorry that you're going through this hun. We all have our times of irresponsibility and making mistakes, try not to beat yourself up too much.
I think you should be completely honest with your BF. I know it's a very scarey thing but if he is "Mr. Right" then this situation will only make the both of you stronger as a couple. Just don't let him force you into anything. If you need help and advice from your best friend I think you should be able to tell her. If she really cares about you she'll understand and support you.
I wish I could give you advice on whether you should keep the baby or not but I can't. I know for myself I would never be able to have an abortion although I am pro choice and don't judge either way. Have you thought of adoption though? Try and think out your options completely before you make a desicion.
I hope some of my advice helps. Good luck and keep us up to date so we can know how you're doing. Stay strong.
__________________
Thank you tasha_mae for my beautiful siggy!




Proud mama to 10 month old, Charlie <3 !
Reply With Quote
  #3  
March 21st, 2012, 05:08 PM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 12
Hi .. I now how u feel.. I struggled with this too with my first two children... My first I ended up placing for adoption .. My second I didn't ... How r u doing? I know it seems dark right now but once you have some time it will make since / if you need someone to talk to I'd love to help if I can
Reply With Quote
  #4  
March 21st, 2012, 08:28 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Thank you both for the consideration, it honestly means a lot. I am driving myself crazy with anxiety over it. Haven't decided anything but still haven't told him.. *sigh* I am waiting for the right answer to smack me in the face.

Xobaby I would love to talk!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
March 22nd, 2012, 06:45 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 12
Unfortunatly I think only time will give that to you.... And once that intital sting of telling everyone I over - it will be alot easier to know what u want to do.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
March 22nd, 2012, 10:32 AM
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: South Bend, IN
Posts: 13
I think you should tell him. He's a part of it and he should know what's going on. Perhaps talking it over with him will give you some clarity. Guys can really surprise us with how willing they are to step up to the plate when we need them to. He'll probably be scared to, but this is something you can definitely figure out together.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
March 22nd, 2012, 12:22 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
I don't think you let anything happen... Both of you that DTD, so I think telling him would be the best route - talk to him, try to figure out together what the best choices are for you both... I also think that should show you the type of person your boyfriend is... I agree that you shouldn't allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything that you are not comfortable with doing. I know these are tough choices to make
__________________

Thank you Katie (.:Shortcake:.) for my beautiful siggy!!

Reply With Quote
  #8  
March 22nd, 2012, 04:42 PM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aero22 View Post
Thank you both for the consideration, it honestly means a lot. I am driving myself crazy with anxiety over it. Haven't decided anything but still haven't told him.. *sigh* I am waiting for the right answer to smack me in the face.

Xobaby I would love to talk!
Aero my email address Is Rahulsey at aol
Reply With Quote
  #9  
March 22nd, 2012, 09:48 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
I just wanted to give a quick thanks while I could steal a moment to read. Still in heavy debate over what to do.. I know that if I tell him I will lose my ability to choose so I still haven't told him I was able to come out with it to a very dear friend but she is very Christian, and I know what she thinks. She believes no baby is a mistake and if I give my problems to God it would all work out.. Has anyone here had an experience of faith with this kind of thing? Sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable, but that's my basic problem. Follow what I used to claim as faith and keep it because it's 'right' or take the route I actually feel would be best?

I'm sorry you guys, but I'm so thankful someone is listening..
Reply With Quote
  #10  
March 23rd, 2012, 06:15 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
Telling him would in NO way make you have to pick the path HE wants! It is absolutely up to you to decide what is the best thing for YOU... People who are Christian are supposed to forgive not judge, so I think if she is your true friend, she will stand by you, even if the choice you make isn't one she likes!

Also, if you are choosing to not keep it, you should probably go sooner rather than later - it is more risky and more emotional the further along you are
__________________

Thank you Katie (.:Shortcake:.) for my beautiful siggy!!


Last edited by ~Tanya~; March 23rd, 2012 at 06:16 AM. Reason: forgot to write something...
Reply With Quote
  #11  
March 23rd, 2012, 06:50 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,406
These moments are the ones that define us as people........no matter which route you choose, your fate has been decided and so has the fate of all you love around you. Like you said, you have nothing and everything to loose, go with what YOUR heart tells you, your children will love you unconditionally when you think you have lost it all. (meaning the ones you have already). There's no right or wrong here, just what YOU want. I personally would tell your bf, you may be pleasantly surprised by his support in YOUR decision. Good luck to you sweety, praying your decision is the best one for you.
__________________
Thank you Shortcake for my beautiful siggy..]

Momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

Reply With Quote
  #12  
March 23rd, 2012, 06:58 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 12
Aero ... Here is the main reason I support adoption... Well two ... I placed my baby when I was 18 and she was 8 months ... But if your not ready ( not saying you would ever do this) then what and how might this child be treated? U hear stories all the time about mothers neglecting thier child because they never really wanted them... Again not in anyway saying this is you.... But it's not a reflection of who you are to admit to yourself that this isn't what you want ... It's a blessing that to admit it... If that makes since... And there are occasions where yes the moment the baby is born you attach and bond.... But there are times this does t happen too.... I 100 percent think that a mother should experience this "bond" and if it's truly not there they don't let others talk u into something u truley do not want... Because you r the one to that will be taking on the responsibility.... I have faith and I do believe things happen for reasons but I also believe in gods ability for us to choose our paths.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
March 24th, 2012, 08:25 PM
Loving6's Avatar Formerly Loving4
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Missouri
Posts: 12,369
I think you should strongly think about adoption too!!!
__________________

Mom to Dustin Jr, Jarren, Nathan, Alivia, Ava, & Ariea





























Reply With Quote
  #14  
March 25th, 2012, 06:25 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 661
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aero22 View Post
I just wanted to give a quick thanks while I could steal a moment to read. Still in heavy debate over what to do.. I know that if I tell him I will lose my ability to choose so I still haven't told him I was able to come out with it to a very dear friend but she is very Christian, and I know what she thinks. She believes no baby is a mistake and if I give my problems to God it would all work out.. Has anyone here had an experience of faith with this kind of thing? Sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable, but that's my basic problem. Follow what I used to claim as faith and keep it because it's 'right' or take the route I actually feel would be best?

I'm sorry you guys, but I'm so thankful someone is listening..
I am sorry you are in such difficult situation right now. I wish I were there to give you a hug! Since you asked for input... I do agree with your friend. God loves you and that little one more than you could imagine. Your friend is totally right, put your faith in God and he will take care of you. It may still be difficult, but he will be there with you.

I have been where you are... Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I would love to hear from you.

Here is a verse I love... David is talking to God

Psalm 139:13-16
New Living Translation (NLT)

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
__________________
Mommy to four wonderful boy ages 7, 5, and twins 3



Reply With Quote
  #15  
March 26th, 2012, 12:29 PM
babygreenes.mommy
Guest
Posts: n/a
I agree that you should definately tell him. That doesn't mean that you will be forced to take his decision as your own, but he will resent you if you go through with it quietly and then he finds out. I knew a guy at work that it happened to...twice. His girlfriend got pregnant, had an abortion without telling him, he found out and resented her. She got pregnant again, did the same thing, and at that point, he left her because he couldn't forgive her again.

I know it isn't an easy decision and you have to do what is best for you. But leaving him out of it isn't going to help, even if it seems for the moment that it would. It could very well help you come to a decision.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
March 26th, 2012, 01:47 PM
Raven_Haired_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,245
I think it's best to tell him. HOWEVER I feel it is your body your choice as far as if you keep it or not. Don't let him sway your decision. My oldest son's bio dad wanted me to have an abortion. I made the decision best for me and kept him. I have never regretted it. But I would have regetted listening to him I'm sure.
__________________

Thanks PrincessMom08 for my wonderful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
March 27th, 2012, 10:49 PM
Co Host - July 2011 PR
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 672
Just wanted to let you know that I'm sending my positive energy your way! I hope you're getting close to your decision. It's not fun having to deal with this kind of stress Maybe take a spa day and pamper yourself just to clear your head and de stress a little...
It'll come to eventually.
__________________
Thank you tasha_mae for my beautiful siggy!




Proud mama to 10 month old, Charlie <3 !
Reply With Quote
  #18  
March 29th, 2012, 09:29 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Hi everyone. I appreciate the continued input!

I did tell him, last Friday, and to my surprise he not only agreed with me, I was disappointed about it! I was really hoping he would change my mind, really hoping he would be my shining light about it and totally say something so real it would all make sense... Not the case.

He didn't give me much. Just said its not the right time, and it's not his decision. He said whatever I choose I choose. *sigh* I am bothered by how unhelpful it was to me. Now when he comforts me about getting one I just feel bitter, as if he's just ensuring his own outcome you know? I'm sure that's not what I truly think of his character but I know I'm going to hold it against him that he just let me do it..
He kept saying nice things like we are already a family and my two he claims as his, we can have one together when we are more stable, etc.. But he's probably afraid a child with me would bite him in the arse later so he's scrambling!!
You see the angel and devil syndrome this has caused me? I don't feel like I can't trust anyone.

That being said I have an appointment on Tuesday for this place called CareNet. My friend I mentioned before suggested it to me. They'll do a confirmation pregnancy test, ultrasound then go in depth with me about my options. They'll refer me to prenatal care if I choose to keep it, and I have something in mind if not. (They don't refer for that. Anyway.)

I also confided in my mom, and it felt good for a whole because of all people to agree with me I was glad to have her support no matter what. Turns out last night I told her I didn't know if I could go through with it and she basically made it clear that she is encouraging me to get rid of it because she will feel financially obligated and she just doesn't want to deal with it.. She's old to the point where 'she should have money for herself' and I should 'grow up and stop being selfish' and that I'm a 'spoiled brat and my boyfriend won't be any help.'

I was so crushed to lose what little support I finally had from her. When she said 'no matter what you choose' she only meant it when I was confident I was not keeping it. I wonder if my boyfriend would do the same..
Reply With Quote
  #19  
March 30th, 2012, 05:53 AM
kazarmo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,354
Ok I'm hoping that my story can help you in some way. I understand exactly where you are coming from.
I'm 33 now if that helps at all.

I had my first child at 18, raised her by myself for years, struggled, worked full time and school full time. Finally graduated last year.
Just a note to you, when I found out I was pregnant on my 18th birthday I wasn't even scared, I was happy and excited to be pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant at 33 I felt like I was 14 because I felt like my life was ending. When in reality my life took a turn and started a new journey that has been one of the most precious gifts ever.


Right before graduation (college) I found out I was pregnant, the father was and is a really good dad to the 2 kids he has already. We both had tons of stresses on our plates and I thought what the h*** am I going to do. I don't want to bring a baby into this world when SO and I are not even living together. We had a great relationship and he wanted to move in together (before I found out) etc but still this was huge, a life was beginning and I was scared out of mind.

I mentioned the dreaded word to him. I cried in his arms for days, scared of giving birth again, scared of losing him, scared of the unknown ( I had a very traumatic birth with 1st daughter) Just literally scared of everything.

He finally said to me, Look I don't believe in that.
That was the end for me, I embraced what my body was growing inside of me. I continued on with life and knew that eventually things would be ok. I knew it was going to be a struggle to get to where I felt comfortable but him and I talked constantly, I probably stressed him out more then anything.

Last August we did finally move in together, and then we bought a house together in Dec.

I'm not saying this is whats going to happen for you, but I just want to say that sometimes your SO's can surprise you and be the most supportive person in your life when you are going through so much mentally.

Now my SO is not perfect, but he is a great dad and we now have a beautiful 3 month old daughter together. She has completed our family and I am truly blessed to have his love to see me through one of the roughest times in my life.

Whatever you decide my friend is the best thing for you
__________________




~~~~~~~~~~~
dd15 born weighing 6 pds 2 ounces, 19 inches. 12-3-96
dsd12
dsd10
dd9 months born weighing 6 pds 5 ounces, 19 1/2 inches. 12-22-2011
Expecting baby #3 ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!!! woot woot

Reply With Quote
  #20  
March 31st, 2012, 05:34 PM
Crystal713's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9,273
Send a message via Yahoo to Crystal713
I had 3 children with a man who walked out on us. On one of his rare visitations (at my house) we had sex, and I made him stop before he ejaculated because I realized how irresponsible we were being. Well of course, I got pregnant. I told him and he first denied it and said it wasnt possible because he didnt "get off". Then he said he wanted me to "get rid of it".

At first I felt angry, like I just wanted it to all go away. I was a struggling single mom of 3 and pregnant again with a man who couldnt even be bothered to be around for the FIRST 3 kids, much less a 4th. I felt guilty for what another baby would take from my other children, and mostly I just felt REALLY STUPID for even allowing this man who had abandoned our children and been extremely cruel to me even get close enough to make a baby. It was embarrasing. I didnt want it. Another baby would ruin my life, it was a curse. I was being punished. I cried for days and days and couldnt decide what to do. I researched everything about abortion and by 10 weeks I still hadnt made a decision on what I wanted to do. I was starting to panic because I didnt have much time left to decide and I just wanted to put the world on hold so I had more time to think. I had no support, and everyone thought I was insane for even getting pregnant again. No one was happy about this baby.

But ultimately I decided not to abort. Or more like, I couldnt make up my mind 100 percent in time. I figured it was better to have a baby, and raise it then risk having regrets for the rest of my life. And Im happy with my choice.

Im still not excited about having another baby. Im scared, but I know it will be okay. And that for some reason, this baby was meant to be here. And if I can take care of 3, I can take care of 4. The kids are excited and talk about the baby and rub my belly. My kids dad still wants nothing to do with them or this baby but Ive realized now that that is his loss.

I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone, and what you are feeling is completely normal. And whatever you decide just make sure its what YOU want and no one else. I have never heard anyone say they regretted having their baby.

Bug hugs momma!
sweethome likes this.
__________________




Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:50 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0