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I need advice, thinking about giving up baby for adoption...


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 1 Post By JennLynn_

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  #1  
April 23rd, 2012, 10:02 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Okay, I have never posted on these forums before, but I'm so stressed out I dont really know where to turn.

Let me start with a bit of back story to my situation; hopefully this will make sense.

I have been in a very good, very stable relationship for just over two years that began on EHarmony with a Man we will call "Mr.A"

We are both medical professionals and lead busy lives, we have maintained seperate households due to jobs being in complete opposite directions of each others dwelling; (I own, he rents) We live about 45 minutes apart but have seen each other every week without fail, talk on the phone everyday, and vacation together, I spend the night at his place, he has spent the night here; we have met each other's parents family and extended family.

We have been talking about marriage for over a year, and he has been saving for a house to buy inbetween the two cities where our jobs are. (He makes a lot more money then I do, and as he rents his expenses are much lower)

Last year while we were visiting his family I got very sick, we went to the emergency room and found out I was three months pregnant; and was having a misscarriage.

I had no idea I was pregnant; none! I had no symptoms; and I had been on BC the whole time; same BC I'd used for four years without a problem. We were both in shock; and admitted being a little sad; we discussed what we would have done if we had NOT misscarried; and agreed that we would have worked it out; we already had roughly 30k to put down on a house; so it would have been alright, if not ideal.

Fastforward another year; same BC, same BC Failure. I go in for my yearly visit and tell my NP that I've had a terrible time eating, I think I must have developed some kind of severe acid reflux due to some weightloss/training protien shakes that I was taking; I thought the protein or something in them had my gut got all screwed up; and that even after I stopped the shakes I was still having the problem eating regular food. (I honestly thought it was the shakes) she comes back and tells me I'm pregnant!!!

I'm relieved! I've been miserable for the last 5 weeks! Now it makes sense! And we now have over 50k in the bank to use as a downpayment; I have already found a buyer for my house (a friend of mine and her new husband) so we wont have to worry about balancing two mortgage payments at the same time; This will work out okay! I remember thinking the biggest problem would be telling my mother that I wanted to wait to have my wedding now, so I can fit in that really nice white dress I wanted.

I tell Mr.A, and he does NOT react as expected.

He doesn't say much of anything, for about a week. I am at a loss, and feeling really bad about myself; and guilty that I got pregnant even though it WAS NOT intentional. Our conversations sound like he is hinting that i should have an abortion; he even mentions several times that maybe I'll have another misscarriage and this wont be a problem anymore.

After about a week he seems to 'adjust' but he is very moody, and keeps talking about how everything is screwed up now; and how I cost him money, and this kid will cost him money, and I'm really hurt, and really upset and trying really hard to bite my tongue, because I'm thinking; okay, he's still adjusting; this is the same super nice; caring guy I've dated for over two years; he's just stressed and freaking out, we said we could handle something like this; this is going to be okay. We were both visiting his family just a few months ago and while babysiting his neice he made several comments about how one day we would have a baby, he just needs to adjust I tell myself over and over.

It's now been three weeks since breaking the news to him; I am 10 weeks pregnant.

We have gone to look at a few houses; but I am doing all the leg work; finding the houses online; finding an agent; setting up appointments, Nice houses, three of which are literally halfway between out two jobs, perfect I think!

But every one of them there is Something wrong with them; he hates this; or hates that; and I get that this is a LOT of stress; and all at once. But I really feel like what he HATES is this baby, and that honestly he isn't ready for this...

or a house together; or marriage for that matter....because marriage is supposed to be better or worse and if a bump in the road like this makes him act this way then is he really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with??!

I tried talking to him tonight asking what was wrong with the houses we looked at, so I would know what he did and didn't like; He tells me I'm attacking him?? and calling him stupid by asking if it was the older light fixtures and paint scheme he didn't like because that could be changed, and why am I rushing this now when just last week when he was saying we had to buy a house "RIGHT NOW" I said that it was okay, and we had time to look because I have several months, now I'm flip flopping on him, and I'm pissing him off and annoying him.... I thought I was supposed to be the moody and emotional one and I am trying so hard not to snap, to be understanding and not to cry about this all happening this way, But I am at my wits end.

I do not think that I can do this anymore, I feel harrassed and emotionally raw and I dont think I can have another conversation with him if he is going to react this way without saying something mean or hurtful back and I do not want to be that person.

My family, and I do not believe in abortion except for extreme cases of medical neccesity; and I know I cannot have one, I just cant, even if there is still time to.

But I have also taken a very hard look at my own personal financial situation; and I cannot afford a baby/child alone, between work schedules, my family being four states away, and day care costs in the area being so high it is NOT likely that would ever work out.

I am seriously considering a private adoption for this child at birth, that way the child will have a loving family that can support it's needs/wants. and I can take a hard look at this relationship without the added stress of this prenancy/the rush to buy a house to fix this 'problem' I've created; and I can actually decide if I want to continue to look at marraige and buying a house with this guy, or if this is him finally showing his true colors after two years.

Please advise; I know that was really long, and I'm sorry; but I feel it is a complex situation and without knowing the details (like the fact that we COULD afford a house together, and had discussed it, made plans etc) the way he is acting right now might not seem so outrageous/out of character.

Am I expecting him to adjust to this too fast? Is his reaction normal?! Has anyone here given up a baby for adoption because the thought of giving up this child hurts my heart, but the thought that I cannot provide for him or her, and give them a stable loving family to grow in hurts me even more.

Help.
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  #2  
April 24th, 2012, 08:17 AM
JennLynn_'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Pickering, Ontario, Canada
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I think it's still very early to make any decisions. And I truly think your "Mr. A" will come around. Bring him to the first ultrasound, tell him how you're feeling about this baby.

I know that you say you can't afford it, but you are in a better financial situation than most women who find themselves in the "oops, i'm prego" situation.

Pregnancy is HUGE. It's another life, it's a huge responsibility and your Mr. A is likely struggling with all of that, just as you are. A heart to heart discussion is definitely needed between the two of you.

But from everything I read above, I would say that giving up your baby doesn't sound like something that would truly make you happy. And again, I think it's too early to make such a decision.

Follow your heart. If you do, everything else WILL follow. Trust in that.

I've been in a similar situation, not every situation is perfect, but everything truly does happen for a reason. Nothing makes that clearer than a child.

I don't know if anything I said helped, but I hope you follow your heart and you and Mr. A discuss this thoroughly.

(((hugs)))
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  #3  
April 25th, 2012, 09:42 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Savannah GA
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Dump him... He sounds like a jerk and not someone who would stand by your side when you need him most (like now!) Whatever the outcome I predict your relationship will not last. I was in a situation similar to yours except I made a different choice and still regret it to this day.

I was a single mommy of 3 boys for about 14 years. You would be surprised what you CAN afford! It sounds like you have a great career and a level head on your shoulders. You still have lots of time to decide to adopt or raise your baby. Also, many adoptions are open now a days so you may still be able to have contact.

Take a notebook and write it all out - pros and cons... talk to your family. You will be ok, its just all stressful right now. ((hugs))
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  #4  
April 26th, 2012, 10:17 AM
one.juniper's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with the first poster. You are still only 10 weeks give it some time. There's no rush. Maybe back off on the whole looking for a house thing and give him some space. If he doesn't come around there is still more than enough time to go through the adoption process, and if he does, he does.

Just one more thought. Miscarriage affects everyone differently, have you considered that his reaction this time might be out of fear of becoming excited or attached and losing the baby again?
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  #5  
April 29th, 2012, 07:19 PM
OatmealKisses's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Although I am married, my current pregnancy was an opps. My husband's first reaction when I showed him the pregnancy test was "I know excited but I'm trying to sleep." His reaction completely FLOORED me, even more so than being pregnant again with a 3 month old baby. He closed his eyes again and I sat down on the couch across from him with my jaw on the floor starring at the test. After about 3 minutes his eyes flew open, he jumped out of the chair, and he finished the paperwork on what level of health coverage we wanted this coming year. He had been working on it for weeks, and decided to finish it THAT instant.

He remained quiet on the subject all the way until my first ultrasound. We went in and they said they couldn't find a heartbeat. They told me to mentally prepare for a misscarriage because I would likely have one. We were both NOT expecting that! I have only been pregnant one other time that resulted in my son. I have never had a miscarriage never thought it would happen to me. Next thing I know we are walking out of the office and hubby is on the phone with a high risk OB I saw last pregnancy 4 hours away to get a second opinion. Before we even got home he took 2 days off work to take me to that appointment the next morning. Next day there was the heartbeat. Hubby was grinning ear to ear. I was really worried about how he left about this baby, until that all happened. I don't he even knew how he left about it until there was a risk of it being taken away from us. Now he seems more supportive and more protective of me than he ever was when pregnant with our son.

I can't say it will be that way for you. I do know that men have a tendency to shut down and withdrawl when they are scared. It doesn't make it right how he is treating you know. You NEED him now more than ever for support. He needs to stop being a butt and support you emotionally. What's done is done. Time to own up.

I would give him space right now those. He is not acting right to you and you don't need extra stress in your life. Put the house on hold. Back off. Focus on yourself and your baby only. If he comes around and appologizes profusely than maybe take it slow and see what happens. You need to think of a backup plan incase he doesn't. Do what you want to do and what you can live with. Don't do ANYTHING based off of anyone else's reaction ever! You will regret that for the rest of your life.
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  #6  
April 30th, 2012, 01:50 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: SC, FL
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I am sooo sorry to hear this!!! I sounds like you might need some time to see how this all goes!!!

I hope and pray everything goes well for you all!!!

If you still plan on going on with the adoption. Are you looking at any agencies? My husband I have just decided to adopt we are using the work of mouth option. I hope no one gets upset that I put this here. I just joined this forum to read others experiences of IVF when I found this post!!!

God Bless

Last edited by Kristofsmama; April 30th, 2012 at 01:52 PM.
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