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As I said in the title, I just found out a couple of days ago that I am pregnant with my 3rd child. My husband and I had discussed in length the fact that we didn't want any more kids (our sons are 3.5 and 1.5) but we have such a busy life that he hadn't made the appointment to get a vasectomy....but was planning on it. I was on birth control, so I guess we are that 0.1%
When I look at the situation logically (and financially!) it makes perfect sense what my husband is saying - we can't have afford and do not have time for another baby...and we don't feel adoption is an option (explaining my pregnancy to the boys; I work in an industry that is not pregnancy friendly and would have to leave my job as in the other pregnancies and money is tight...etc.)
He seems firm in his decision and says he has thought of the positives and negatives and DOES NOT want another baby. Besides feeling bad that I will have to go through the physical process of an abortion the idea of terminating the pregnancy doesn't seem to bother him.
I have an appointment today to be "assessed" for an abortion - but when I think about actually going through with the abortion I feel sick to my stomache and can't stop crying, and kind of feel like I can't breathe. All I keep picturing is that moment when you are in the hospital and you have just had the baby and it is like the whole world stops and nothing matters but that baby - and from that point on you just make it work. Right?
To make a long story short...I think I am going to end up having an abortion, because I can't imagine "forcing" my husband to have a baby he doesn't want....but I equally can't imagine terminating this pregnancy. My husband and I currently have a great relationship, and I'm terrified that no matter what decision is made now there will be a wedge driven between us (either because I am resentful of his wanting me to abort, or his resentment of the additional responsibility of a 3rd child).
I am hoping to hear from people who have gone through this before (subsequent child, potential abortion, either had the abortion or didn't and how that affected their lives/relationships). We are going to seek counselling prior to the abortion regardless of what decision we make.
Pls don't respond if you intend to make me feel guilty. I feel enough guilt and shame right now and really don't need anymore.
First of all, I'm so sorry for this difficult situation you are in right now. I can imagine that it seems very hopeless.
I want to encourage you to focus on the positives. You mentioned that you have a great relationship with your husband and that's a really wonderful thing. You also mentioned that you've considered that moment when you have your baby and you realize that from that point on you just make it work. Right! No question - it can be done, and many do. This is a survival thing - we are resourceful and we are always finding ways to make seemingly impossible situations "work."
I think that you are right to recognize that there will be a "wedge" of resentment between your husband and you in the choices that are before you. However, I can tell you right now, that the resentment of an abortion will not easily go away. I even suspect that it may not go away ever. Whereas, the resentment of financial stress and more responsibility will be lessened upon meeting this baby, getting to know the amazing personality of your child, seeing your baby's smiles, first steps, and the many other boundless joys of parenthood.
Men often take more time to connect and bond to their unborn children, some even struggle with newborns... But they come around, and I truly believe your husband will warm up to this new child. (and he'll thank you for being the mother of his children who add so much richness to his life.) After all, your babies aren't just financial responsibilities; they're priceless gifts that enrich your life. Men also worry so much about money; they're the "Providers" and that responsibility is engrained in them. It makes surprises like this very difficult to accept. But, it's not as impossible as he thinks it is.
Please talk with your husband - have an argument about if that's what it takes! Don't hold back telling him that you don't want to end your pregnancy in abortion. Remind him (and yourself) of the good relationship that you have. Tell him your fears. Tell him that you know it's financially a hardship, but that you're in this together and you know that there's a way to make it work.
This man loves you, but he hasn't thought about the lasting effects of an abortion. It hurts. It hurts mothers and fathers. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty; I just know this as a fact.
Once again, focus on the positives. Your insticts to continue your pregnancy and make it work are spot on.
Remeber, that just as there are places a couple can go to for abortions, there are also life care centers (that are free of charge) that a couple can go to when in a crisis pregnancy. These centers are pro-life and they are expert in helping women and men who find themselves in a desperate situation find ways to make it work. Even if your family and friends can't support you, there are resources in your community who very much care and will absolutley support you.
Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings and insticts. Your husband needs to know where you stand in this. It's not just his decision and it would be a mistake to keep your thoughts from him.
I'm thinking of you and keeping you and your husband and children close in my heart. You're not alone. Keep in touch.
First I just want to point out that you don't want to force your husband to have a baby he doesn't want but from the feelings you are conveying in your post it certainly sounds like he is forcing you to terminate - something you don't want.
I'd take some time to think about this a little more and you should talk to him about your feelings on the subject. His reasoning may be logical at the point because he hasn't connected with the baby but you are having an emotional reaction because you are connected to a new living growing person. You need to make him understand why you feel the way you feel because 6 months down the road when he's heard the baby's heart beat and felt it move he'll be starting to connect in a way you already are. Its not fair of him to assume that just because he hasn't bonded it means you haven't bonded.
I hope you two can come to an agreement that works for your family!
you said it all yourself... one of you is going to be unhappy for a while no matter what you choose, but he wouldn't be upset forever. he wouldn't look at his new baby and have regret and wish it weren't there. but you may always feel the loss of your child if you go through with the abortion.
not trying to lay guilt when I say this, it's just the way I personally feel, but as a mother don't you feel like it is your responsibility to do whatever you can to protect your baby? be the voice for your child because it can't speak for itself? it's not the baby's fault it was conceived.
if you were both on board 100% for an abortion then I would say that's your choice, but if you are feeling like you can't go through with it then I would listen to that.
Lori wife toChris, mom toRebecca (11.22.07), Nathan (7.31.10), & Thomas (5.3.13)
Thanks so much, I'll be using some points you have made when discussing this with my husband...sometimes it is hard to articulate when you feel so emotional, but you have helped put words to how I'm feeling. Thanks again for the support!