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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
April 15th, 2005, 09:06 AM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 20
Hi I'm new here. Just found out I'm expecting child number 1. I have a great boyfriend and friends but it seems like i can' t stop crying. I know it's a combination of hormones and feeling sad about having my whole life change. I guess by biggest problem is I feel almost restenful about this baby. Is that a horrible thing or is that normal? I was told i could'nt have kids and this just came out of the blue. I don't want to feel resentful anymore but I can't get excited. Any thought or suggestions or am I doomed to resent this child and be a horrible mother. Thanks to anyone who has any advice for me.
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  #2  
April 15th, 2005, 09:23 AM
Alice's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,057
Hi, and welcome to JM!!

NO, you're not condemned to be a bad mommie!!! You're right; your feelings are a combination of stress and knowing that your life will change. But take it from me, if I could somehow go back to the days before kids, even for one day, there's NO way I would. My kids add such joy and richness to my life-- there's no way to compare that to the clean house and the ability to drop it all and jet to the Bahamas. (Not that I ever did that... I did drop everything and drive to Philedelphia once for a baseball game )

I think the problem is that, before you have your first child, you really don't know what you're missing. You hear all the horror stories about lack of sleep and potty training and.....; but no one can convey what it's like when your 2 year old puts her arms around your neck and squeezes really tight, just because she wanted to give you a hug. Or when your six year old proclaims you to be "the best mommy ever". Those intangibles are worth soooooo much more than all the vacations and other things you're concerned about missing.

But it's easy for me: I already know what it's like having kids. And I'm not suffering with morning sickness, as I'm not pregnant at the moment (and probably won't be again-- I'm 46) As for you, if you can afford to and feel up to it, why not do some of those things you're afraid you'll miss-- you and your boyfriend go away somewhere for a weekend or something? Or throw yourself into something mommy-ish... before my 2 older kids arrived, I cross- stitched each of them a blanket. (Kira's is still only half done, and she just turned 2. I've really GOT to finish it before she realizes she never used it as a baby blanket ) Or go to Babies R Us and just wander the aisles. Or go to the mall or the beach and just look at all the little kids, and figure out all the things you promise yourself you will or won't do with yours. (Just don't tell anyone; those words can be tough when you have to eat them sometimes!) Go to the children's room at the library and decide on your favorite children's books, so you know which ones you'll want. Start thinking about names or nursery decorations. Research your family tree so you'll have that to pass on. Just DO something to try to pull yourself out of your funk.

Congratulations and,again, welcome. Hope some of this helps!!!
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  #3  
April 15th, 2005, 09:40 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 20
Thanks for all the advice Alice. It's very welcome.
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  #4  
April 15th, 2005, 09:54 AM
Larkin121's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Puyallup, WA
Posts: 3,088
Hi,
I too am unexpectedly expecting my first child. I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant at this point. When I first came to this site, I was a mess. I have a wonderful boyfriend and had planned on marrying him anyway, but the idea of changing my whole life for a baby was devestating. Hormones DEFINITELY play a huge part in this... I spent the first few weeks miserable, and I still have on and off days... some days I feel like I hate my BF for no reason. lol! Also, at first my mother was horrified by the news, but NOW she can't stop talking about the cute baby clothes she is finding!! everyone told me it would get better, and it really does. I started feeling better about being pregnant about 2 1/2 weeks ago and then almost 2 weeks ago I had my first ultrasound. Seeing that tiny little baby really made me happy! I think it's the shock of uplanned pregnancy that makes everything seem so much worse... trust me, I had days where I thought I'd resent the child, where I thought I could never be happy, and where I wondered if I loved my BF enough. But all of those feelings are melting away and I'm starting to get really excited about my baby. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of things to figure out, from where to live to securing my first teaching job for next year before anyone finds out I'm pregnant! But it will get better, I promise. Stick around this site and talk to all of the girls... they have been an amazing help to me.
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  #5  
April 15th, 2005, 10:43 AM
1proudmom2kalli
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pandorasjen....


Okay, oh dear. Here goes! I'm soooo glad that you came to JM!!! We are here to listen and to help! I hope it helps anyways! But I am 19 y/o pregnant w/ my first baby due in August and I live at home with my mom. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years now, and he still lives at home with his dad. So, needless to say when we found out we were like "WHAT?!?!?" Plus, I thought after I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured I wouldn't be able to have kids, or at least that it would be hard. PLUS, I was on birth control and we were using condoms most of the time, so we thought we were safe! SO MUCH FOR THAT!

When I found out, I felt so scared and nervous! I cried and cried and cried! I couldn't get happy or excited, I just felt sooo overwhelmed with it all. Well, then I started bleeding!!! Yeah, freaked me out! Not that I wanted to have a kid, but now that I thought that I WAS having one, I didn't want to miscarriage! That was soo scary! So, I had to take a blood test to make sure I was, and I WAS! And then I had to have an ultrasound at 6 weeks, 2 days... Only ONE WEEK after I found out that I was pregnant! So, needless to say, I went in there and saw the little peanut on the ultrasound screen and they found a heartbeat. 117 beats per minute, and I will NEVER forget that moment. My heart skipped a beat and tears welled up in my eyes. My mom was there with me, and she was SPEECHLESS.

From that moment on, I realized that I have until August to get everything lined up and get ready for this baby. This is something that happened that was someone's will who's much higher than me, and I started out just making the best of it and taking it a day at a time. Now when I walk in Wal-mart or any store, I always head straight for the baby section. I check out the pregnancy sections of all the book stores and I never stop thinking about this little miracle baby...

The best advice that I can give you is just to think about that little peanut in your belly and the little heart racing, waiting until the one day when they are going to meet their mommy face 2 face! They don't care where they live, they don't care what you're wearing, they don't care what they're wearing, they could care LESS if their crib is new or used or if they even have a crib! They only care that they have someone that loves them... And trust me, when you see your little one on the ultrasound screen and hear the heartbeat, you will feel so much better about the whole thing!

And, I have a TON of pregnancy books, and EVERY ONE has something in there about "Don't worry if you don't fall INSTANTLY in love with your baby after delivery... A lot of people don't"....

So hun, don't worry!! Everything has a way of working out, and you just have to keep that attitude. I know it was totally unplanned for us, but I know that it will work out somehow. Just keep your head up. Everything will be okay. And I hope you stick around JM, because we're very happy to have you and happy to help anyway that we can!!!

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can e-mail me anytime- kryzif@gmail.com

Oh, and CONGRATS and Welcome to JM!
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  #6  
April 15th, 2005, 11:20 AM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 20
See thing thing that makes me feel the most horrible is yesterday i had to go to the hospital because I was having so much pain in my stomach and I could barely walk. Well they did an ultrasound and I saw the heartbeat and I got excited for about 20 minutes and then I though "How can I possibly instill good values into someone and raise them to be a decent human being and not an axe murder" and then woosh, all happy feelings gone. The upside though is both my mom and my best friend cried and laughed and were so excited and my boyfriend was totally entranced by the picture and kept looking at it all night. Sorry, I feel like i'm whining but this has totally thrown me for a loop because I was told that I can't have kids. The one thing that has been exciting for me is picking out names. I figured that was a fun stress free thing that me and my boyfriend can concentrate on for now before we have to start with all the heavy duty planning. Well anyway thanks girls for all the kind words and advice.
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  #7  
April 15th, 2005, 11:35 AM
mommyofdani's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Almost a year ago, my dh and I had a baby. An unplanned baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was NOT ready to have a baby. I am only 20 *going on 60 it feels* and I thought, We are not ready for a baby. Adam JUST went flat rate at work, I am still in school, we are living in a dinky little apartment, and we barely make ends meet now...how are we going to do this? Guess what sweetie. We just...did it. And you will too. Some people do not believe in maternal instincts. I do. I am living proof of it. I just automatically knew how to hold my baby, how to change her little diapers, how to bf her, how to love her. And nowadays...I know exactly when she is about to do something she shouldn't be doing...even if I am in another room. You just know.

You may not get excited for awhile though. I got excited once I felt the baby kick. Maybe that will be the breaking point for you when you get excited. Maybe it won't. Reguardless, it will happen. And you won't regret that little baby...just like Alice said. Once that bundle of joy smiles at you, or belly laughs because you made a silly face, or says, Mommy, I love you...you will never look back
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  #8  
April 15th, 2005, 11:40 AM
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i didn't plan on ever being a mom, and like you i didn't think that i was able to get pregnant. it seemed like everything that i wanted was now going to be beyond my grasp forever. i was depressed all the time for the 1st few months and i was constantly getting sick, and above everything i'm scared to be a mom. i am afraid that i will never be everything that i need to be... i have never been close to anyone and have run away from almost every relationship i have ever been in. this is something that i can't run from and that no matter what is going to be something i have to face everyday. i also barely remembered to feed myself and now i have to raise a child. yeah i am terrified but at the same time i think of all the things that i have learned from the mistakes i've made the mistakes my parents made, i've been reading up on everything that i think i should know and asking moms on here for advice and support. and now i don't feel AS scared. it sounds like you have a lot of support from your family and you boyfriend so you don't ever have to feel like you are alone besides we are all here and if you need us just let us know.
i went to my niece's ballet recital the other day, she's 3yrs old. and seeing her and the other kids in her group perform was just a glimps into what i had to look forward to. i am just over 6 months along and i still think it's unreal that i'm going to be a mom. the fear hasn't gone away but as much as i am scared, i'm excited as well. it just took me a little while to get here. somedays are going to be worse then others like when you can't fit into your clothes anymore but remember you are going to be a good mom and that your baby is going to love you no matter what, and when you get to hold him or her that you heart is what is beating in his or her chest.
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  #9  
April 15th, 2005, 12:58 PM
docsmomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was 17 when i found out I was pg with my son. That was about 3-1/2 yrs ago. I was angry and resentful myself. I had been on birthcontrol, used condoms, etc... It took awhile but at about 17 weeks I got excited. maybe I couldn't be the BEST mom in the world, but I could do my best and at least MY CHILD would know me.

He was born 6 weeks early. I cried out of joy that he was healthy. When his blood sugars dropped I felt helpless. But he's fine, and he'll be 3 in 3 weeks. I couldn't imagine life without him.

Now I'm expecting #2, another b/c failure, but am excited because I KNOW everything will be OK. I've been here before, I survived and have never been happier.
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