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My sister told me about this site...so I thought I would join.
I am 38 yrs old...pregnant for the first time. Found out last Friday it was twins. I have been dating the father for about 8 months. The relationship has been mostly positive...with a few bumps along the way. (He is also 38 yrs old...first child for him)
I find that people seemed a little put off that I am not happier about all this. My family is thrilled, his family is thrilled...but him and I???? Well...we are coming around slowly.
I cried for 5 days straight after the positive results. (I took 4 tests just to be sure!) I seem to live in this limbo stuck between I-could-not-get-an-abortion and motherhood. (Does that make sense to anyone?????)
I think the ultrasound made things more real...but I am still in this weird in-between place. If someone tried to take my two 'blueberries*' away from me I might have to stab them...but the thought of full encompassing motherhood leaves me mumbling profanities to myself. (*Blueberries being my pet nick-name since reading that they were each about the size of a blueberry)
Honestly?? I feel like a cold-hearted *****. A few of my more familiar friends have straight-up asked (with judgment in their eyes) "why are you not happier about this?" I feel ashamed and try to say a few 'happy-appropriate' responses to make up for it. But inside? I got a whole **** list of reasons why I am not happier about this.
I might just be opening myself up to some mean responses by being this honest...but what I am hoping is that someone here will step up and help ease some of my guilt.
Ha, I've been calling my little surprise a 'blueberry' as well!
I can relate to the numbness and the less than celebratory reaction to your life changing news. You weren't planning on this and a baby is a huge change, much less twins! It's natural that you're going to be stunned and have to make some big mental adjustments.
It's going to change your life more than anyone else, so it's nobody's else's right to tell you how to feel or act. The happiness will come, but more than anyone else you and your boyfriend just have to process this fork in the road for a while first.
I understand precisely where you're coming from. An unplanned pregnancy is enough to give you anxiety & make you less than thrilled about it, but with twins as well??? You have the right to feel however you feel and if people don't like it, then that's their problem.
It is odd how I can feel two different extremes at once. I have moments when I am telling God this is NOT a good idea...and I can't believe this really happened. (A dialogue laced heavy with profanity and tears Then I have moments where I panic at the thought of losing one of the blueberries. I have had two horrible dreams about miscarrying....and woke up in tears. Yesterday I actually caught myself rubbing my belly and talking to them.
I can understand some of how you're feeling. Perhaps slightly dishonest, but to quell folks questions about why I'm not so excited, I just tell them that it's still very early in the pregnancy, that the risk of miscarriage is still very real, and I don't want to allow myself to get too excited only to be let down. I do think that I will eventually be excited, it's just coming on slowly.