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Need some help - boyfriend doesn't want baby


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 1 Post By nikki-pie
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  #1  
September 10th, 2012, 01:17 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Hi there ladies. I am in a bit of a pickle. I am 25 years old, I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. Heís only 21 years old. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago and it came as a shock. At first he told me that he would support any decision that I choose to make. I thought it would be easy to make the decision to discontinue the pregnancy but as it turns out, it isnít.

We had a talk 2 days ago and he told me that heís never wanted kids, and the more he thinks about the idea of having a baby, the more miserable he gets. He says he doesnít like that he wouldnít be free to do the things that he wants anymore, like leave his job, travel, go to school. Basically something I would expect someone young to feel. This breaks my heart, I wanted to keep the baby but I donít want to make him miserable and I canít do it without him. He says he wouldnít leave me if I decided to keep it but I canít help thinking that he probably would, especially if it makes him as miserable as he says.

He isnít a bad guy, is there a chance he could warm up to the idea? Would he feel different once heís holding his baby in his arms? I donít know what to do anymore and itís tearing me apart.
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  #2  
September 10th, 2012, 03:26 PM
nikki-pie's Avatar Expecting #1 Apr 5th!!
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 279
Well i recently had a situation similar to this. My boyfriend and i have been together about a year and a half, had a discussion to the effect of lets wait several years to have a child if we do. Well probably that same week i concieved... Perfect timing! We do travel a lot to foreign countries just for the hell of it for months at a time and live a very free life style. When i told him he freaked and started urging me to get an abortion. I don't personally believe in abortion especially as a form of birth control . but i stuck to my guns and he eventually came around, i am now 11 weeks pregnant and hes super excited about it, he is even trying to think of names for our baby , and is hoping that it is born on his birthday. Basically you just need to let him know what you intend on, and he will come around, it will take time honey but just keep your head up. Especially with him being young but tell him that having a child is only as devastating to your life style as you allow it to be. We still intend on traveling the stay in foreign countries maybe cut a bit shorter but it is still possible. All he needs to realise is that responsiblillity will not kill him keep this updated i am sure everything will be fine
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  #3  
September 10th, 2012, 04:44 PM
3TeamH's Avatar Hayley
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,509
Adoption is another option, hun. If you don't think you can parent without him, you can still have the baby. Creating an adoption plan is such a beautiful thing. You can be as involved or uninvolved as you wish. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like more information. I, too, went through an unplanned pregnancy and understand what it's like and how scary it is.
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  #4  
September 11th, 2012, 10:35 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,821
hey popping in from the august DDC...
i had the SAME problem.
my boyfriend and i were dating for a year and a half and i unexpectedly got pregnant and he really didnt want to keep it. I'm 22 he will be 20 on sunday. He said he wouldnt leave if i decided to keep it.
so i did because for me i couldnt terminate at all. that was never an option for me and i wanted it so i didnt listen.
well he came around eventually for a little while. we were living in georgia at the time. we are both from michigan and when he bailed again i flew home. he followed me a week later to "do the right thing and have a family" well things were good at first, but he just kept bailing.
well my son was born august 28th, he wasnt there for the birth, i was in labor for 24 hours and he knew it and just didnt feel like showing up until several hours later. when that baby hit his arms i expected something to change...
but nothing happened. he stayed the 2 days we were there but after that he didnt talk to me or come see us. he has seen his son 3 times since he was born, and has stood us up many times. he claims he loves his son so much, yet he has never spent a dime on this child. i have provided everything for this baby and he is jsut a fair weather father...
i truly hope that your boyfriend comes around, but believe me you can do it without him. i honestly didnt think i could do it alone, but i have done it and i love it. my baby is my world...
if you want this baby than keep it.
dont let him make that decision for you. if he cant handle it then thats kinda his loss.
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  #5  
September 12th, 2012, 10:47 AM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
I'm sorry that you are going though this. Sadly there are no guarantees that he will come around or stick around. He could come around and be a great dad or he could take off when you're 8 months pregnant or leave holding a new born.

You have to make this choice for yourself. Take him out of the process. Are you comfortable being a single mom? Can you provide for a child on your own without help? Do you have family or friends that you can turn to for help and support?

If you choose to have this baby and parent you HAVE to be ok with doing it on your own. Anything from him is just a plus. If you aren't ok with this you have other options.

Adoption is a very valid and wonderful option. In most cases you pick the adoptive family and can usually decide what type of adoption will work best for you. There is traditional closed adoption where the family would take the baby and you are not contacted or are contacted very little and there is open adoption which is much more common these days. Open adoption allows much more contact with your child and you can take more of an "aunt" or "cousin" role in your childs life. It could be something for you to look into.

If nither of those options are for you there is abortion. You can do medical abortion (pills) up until your 9th week of pregnancy which allows it to happen in the comfort of your own home. There is also tradional surgical abortion which takes about 5 to 10 minutes and you can resume normal activity the next day.

You should seek out your local Planned Parenthood or women's clinic to speak with a professional about all of your options. They can help you make an informed choice that works for you. Good luck!
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  #6  
September 12th, 2012, 02:48 PM
wastcougr's Avatar Adopting One of Each!
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 394
Just to echo what others have said... Seeing yourself without the father, but with a baby, is good advice. You can't count on the fact that he will "man-up" and be involved to the level that you expect/hope/dream that he will be. So you have to ask yourself the questions that others have posted... Can you take care of this baby financially? Can you work while taking care of this baby? What kind of support from family will you likely receive? How will having this baby alone affect your own aspirations?

These are all questions that you must answer (honestly) for yourself AND you unborn baby. If, after asking them, you are comfortable with having/raising the baby by yourself, then having your BF's involvement would just be icing on the proverbial cake. If, however, you feel that having his involvement is necessary, then you may want to take a look at other options.

Adoption is one avenue, of course. There are many couples out there (me and my DH included) that would love the opportunity to raise your child. And there are different kinds of adoption available, as mentioned. You may be able to tailor this to an acceptable situation for you.

While I have never been in your position (never been PG), I can certainly empathize with you and the decisions you will inevitably face. This board, however, is a great source of support, whatever you decide.

-Christi
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  #7  
September 13th, 2012, 08:29 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you to all who responded. Unfortunately I am feeling just as stuck even now. I'm horribly depressed, I cry several times a day..I just don't know what to do and I realize I'm running out of time. Shoot.
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  #8  
September 14th, 2012, 07:48 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
I was 21 when i got pregnant, I choose to keep the baby. I am glad i did my son is 8 1/2 yrs old and i found the man of my dreams took 5 1/2 yrs but every second was worth it. My son's father is not in nick's life. but it doesnt matter larry is a great dad to nick despite the overwhelmingness of being a parent to a disabled child. He goes to counseling with us. He is supportive with everything & we are having a commitment ceremony to renew our vows on sat. So whatever you choose. do whats best for you not anyone else. Remember we are here for you no matter what
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  #9  
September 17th, 2012, 09:41 AM
Athme's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 1,269
I agree with what everyone has said here.

You have to think about if you could do it without the Father because statistically they probably wont stick around if it is an unwanted pregnancy.

How far along you are really determines your options, if you are only a few weeks then you have time.

Talk to your boyfriend, talk to you parents, family and friends. What kind of support would you have if the Dad was / wasn't in the picture?

Could you raise a child alone?

Would you consider adoption or abortion?

I know it is overwhelming and the extra hormones aren't helping!

If you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me
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  #10  
October 27th, 2012, 08:56 PM
carissaluis's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 112
My heart goes out to you right now....you have some very tough decisions to make! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*
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  #11  
October 28th, 2012, 03:08 AM
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Location: Philippines
Posts: 209
Being apprehensive is very normal on that kind of situation. Your boyfriend knows that he's not financially ready to support your baby in the future. But being a father doesn't depends on experience. When that precious angel comes out, swear to God, he could be the proudest and happiest dad in the world! No father could ever refuse to love his own adorable baby. Just keep your faith alive and God will lead you along the way!
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  #12  
October 29th, 2012, 08:11 AM
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I'm sorry to hear this dilemma that you have right now. Just remember that abortion is not the option. Though I don't really understand was why you still consider him as a a good guy if he is more giving importance to his life than to your baby. He did that and should be responsible with that. Though I bet when he saw his baby, he'll heart will melt. Good luck!
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  #13  
October 29th, 2012, 09:11 AM
Athme's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 1,269
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJane View Post
I'm sorry to hear this dilemma that you have right now. Just remember that abortion is not the option. Though I don't really understand was why you still consider him as a a good guy if he is more giving importance to his life than to your baby. He did that and should be responsible with that. Though I bet when he saw his baby, he'll heart will melt. Good luck!
This thread is over a month old and it doesn't look like the OP has been back.
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  #14  
October 31st, 2012, 09:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Athme View Post
This thread is over a month old and it doesn't look like the OP has been back.
Oh... right. Didn't notice it.
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  #15  
November 1st, 2012, 08:27 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 182
I think your bf is afraid of the responsiblity. He isn't matured enough yet being 21 years old, so you should decide things by yourself. Give him time to grow... but it doesn't mean he won't love the child. Don't be tough on him at least for the meantime...he might get scared and run away.

Ive been in this situation. What i often tell my bf is for him to just love the baby once the baby is born. After a while, I can sense he's liking the fact he's gonna be a father. he's been acting protective lately and I'm liking it. i hope things will work out for u too.
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  #16  
November 1st, 2012, 06:30 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 1,573
My boyfriend and I weren't together long before I got pregnant. Things were fine for the first week or two after finding out, then he got all weird. We sat down and he asked me why I wouldn't get an abortion. I told him that's not something I'd ever do. He broke up with me. We're friends and all, but he simply didn't want to be with me. I'll never know if he would have stayed with me if I had gotten an abortion, but I could never forgive myself. I did the right thing for me, and you have to do the right thing for you. You may break up with your boyfriend in the future regardless of your decision about this child. In the end, you have to do what YOU feel is right.
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