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Contemplating abortion


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
September 19th, 2012, 12:44 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4
I recently had a huge argument with my boyfriend. Which has lead me to be back in my old room with my parents. It all started with me telling my bf that I was having my doubts. Before I make it seem like he's a bad guy, he's not. He's the sweetest thing, we've been together for 3 amazing years. He was so excited when he found out, he was up at 5 am for my first ever prenatal visit, driving extra careful and making sure I wasn't too cold or hot at night...

The doubts I've been having are all about us not being ready for a child. We are still both pretty young (23). He's making it seem like we are, but we aren't. I hate how all of sudden, he's Mr. Mature. When in reality a little more than a month ago he was fist pumping the night away at a club and barfing his guts out the window. Oh maybe he forgot how he recently pre-ordered a $120 ”limited edition” of an upcoming video game. Or how we live rent free in a second unit of a house his father owns. Or how he drives a Hyundai Genesis that is as spacious as an egg. Let's also talk about me and how I recently spent my whole paycheck on a bag. We aren't ready! Mentally, Financially, and all the other allys.

God, that felt so good to write but I am so crushed, overwhelmed and scared right now ladies. While my doubts are here. It doesn't change the fact that I want the baby. I wanna be a mommy but how do I bring a child into a life where the father & mother are still childs themselves..
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  #2  
September 19th, 2012, 07:44 AM
amandabee's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 215
I was 22 when I got pregnant with my son, I am now 25. But, we were young, still trying to figure our lives out, and still having fun. I remember how scared I was at the beginning. I was scared until my son was born, but if you honestly want to be a mommy. Then, you can overcome that fear. My husband grew up literally overnight. He went from young & having fun to ready to settle down & be a dad. It can happen.

It is scary to think about, being a parent. But if you weren't nervous/scared, then it wouldn't be normal!

In the end it is both your decision on what you want to do, but just remember all that fear will be gone when you hold your child for the first time.
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  #3  
September 19th, 2012, 11:23 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Hi there. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I've never been unexpectedly pregnant (on the contrary, it took me a few years and tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant), but I can imagine it's very overwhelming and frightening to contemplate becoming a parent when you weren't planning on it.

I don't know if it's any comfort, but I can tell you that facing parenthood for the first time even at the age of 34 - and even after fighting so hard to get pregnant - I'm still scared and still not sure that I'm ready or mature enough to be a mother! I want this baby desperately, but I still feel young and selfish and completely unprepared. I have serious doubts that I will be a good mother. I fear that I won't know how.

I don't know how far along in your pregnancy you are, but remember that a part of how you are feeling now is due to hormones that are raging out of control. I remember my husband asking me on one particularly bad day near the start of my pregnancy, "Will you ever go back to normal? I just want my wife back." I was FURIOUS at the time, but now thinking about it I laugh - I was truly on a rampage that day. The huge swings up and down have moderated a lot in my second trimester, or at least the swings are no longer as frequent.

Anyway, my point is that on all counts I think what you're feeling is normal. Given that you feel you want the baby and want to be a mother, I'd suggest just giving yourself some time to adjust to this huge change. Be gentle with yourself and how you're feeling, and I think given some time you'll be feeling less panicky. Talk to your boyfriend, and maybe think about seeing a counselor together so that you can express yourself and help your boyfriend to understand your fears.

I really wish you lots of luck, and I hope you're feeling better soon.
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Last edited by chickadee; September 19th, 2012 at 11:26 AM.
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  #4  
September 19th, 2012, 09:48 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4
Thank you for the kind words. I didn't get any sleep at all last night. I left work early and decided to go back home. He apologized, we talked, cried. He begged me stay but I need my alone time. I think I should be the one apologizing. Because all this has showed me his true colors and why I love him so much.

I haven't said anything but I feel like I made my decision already. I don't wanna go through this, I can't do it. I used to tell myself that I wanted to bring a child into a world where he/she can have it all. Where the word no, is nonexistent. And my current world isn't suited for it. I hate myself right now but I think it's for the best. If it means sacrificing my relationship and having to battle the demons that will haunt me with this decision, then so be it.
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  #5  
September 20th, 2012, 10:39 AM
mrsjl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
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it's definitely your decision to make, and if this is truly what you want, then no one can stop you. I really hope for the best for you, whatever you ultimately decide.

Just let me tell you this:

I got pregnant when I was barely 20. I mean barely. I was unmarried, in college, and had only been dating my bf for 6 months. he lived with his parents and I was staying with my grandmother while I went to school.

My due date was November 12. on October 5, I finished school. two weeks before my due date, I moved into my first apartment, an extremely tiny one bedroom. we stayed there 15 months, then moved to a nice two bedroom apartment that was a major improvement. we lived there 3 years, and while we were there we got married and I had my second baby.

we moved to a 3 bedroom house in February. I'm 25, my kids are almost 5 and just turned 2, and I am expecting my third baby in May. we went from having NOTHING to having this in just 5 years. we had to work our way up, and I am not saying it is super easy, and my kids definitely hear the word NO but not for the important things. they have clothes (hand me downs) and food and a warm place to sleep and two parents who love them very much.

the moment I held that tiny newborn in my arms and looked at her sweet little face, I knew I would do ANYTHING for her.

if you want this, you can do it too. I have no regrets!
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  #6  
September 20th, 2012, 12:27 PM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 3,055
First off - (((HUGS))) to you

I understand your situation. I got pregnant when I was barely 19. I was living in a hotel room with a guy who smoked like a chimney. We had $0 to our names. He worked at the hotel so we lived for free and got maybe $50 a week for groceries. I was just starting college and didn't have a job. He didn't even have a car. Not to mention, we had only been dating for a short time. I made a decision not to keep the baby, and to be honest it was the BEST decision I could have made for myself.

I ended up leaving him, moving back home, finishing college with an amazing GPA, landing a great job, meeting my amazing SO and now we are pregnant and excitedly expecting our bundle of joy.

Just remember, the decision is YOURS and yours alone. It is probably the toughest decision you'll ever make, but make it for YOU and for nobody else.

PM me if you need to chat.
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  #7  
September 20th, 2012, 01:02 PM
TerriLF's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 565
IMO. It isn't just your child, this is his child too. I have a friend who got someone pregnant and she didn't want the baby. He eventually talked her in to carrying the baby to term and that she could walk away and not look back. That is exactly what happened. She had the baby and when it was time to leave the hospital they both went there seperate ways. She by herself and him with the child he wanted.Have you thought about this and that the child is just as much his as it is yours and asked if this was a road he was willing to take?
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  #8  
September 20th, 2012, 07:01 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4
Again thank you. In this situation I just want my Mom and close friend with me but theres nothing like words from other women who can relate.

To answers your question TerriLF, no we haven't talked about that. I understand that it's also his child but I wouldn't let him. Even if it means him leaving me over it. While this situation showed me who he really is. It doesn't change the fact that he isn't ready. He's a kid, I wish you guys could see him. It's work, ps3, me and nightlife for him. Case in point, before our argument earlier this week, he dragged me to a bar that weekend and I had to drive his manual transmission car which I can barely drive at 2 am, barefoot because I didn't have regular shoes. That's really all I have to say to prove my point. He told me he would change but talk is cheap. I don't wanna ridicule anymore because I'm no different either.

I haven't stopped crying. I hear what you guys say about how you felt when you first held your child. I can picture it, daydream about it and it feels good. But I feel like I'm losing my mind right now. I thought I had my mind set but I don't.

Last edited by Belen; September 20th, 2012 at 07:11 PM.
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  #9  
September 20th, 2012, 08:24 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 129
Have you looked into or considered adoption? There are a lot of folks out there that can't have kids of there own that would give about anything to be parents. I know that would also be emotionally difficult for you, but I am getting the feeling that abortion is every bit of a difficult decision for you as well.

As far as changing and growing up once a child is in the picture, it definitely happens. Just the simple fact that you are so worried that the two of you aren't ready shows a certain degree of maturity about the situation. It's true that people don't grow up overnight (DH is 37 and still acts about 12 a lot of days) but having to be responsible for someone that you will undoubtedly love so much will do a lot to help you both on that path.

Whatever you do decide to do, make sure you take your time and really think about it, and involve him in the decision as well. You will regret making a hasty, emotional decision far above whatever that decision might be in the end.
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  #10  
September 21st, 2012, 07:22 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 98
I hate you have to go through this, but you keep saying HE is not ready, Seems to me, from what you are saying, he is ready to Change overnight and WANTS this baby. It seems you are the one who is not ready and you are making it out to be only him who is not ready. A baby can make you change how you look on life, how you spend money etc. A baby brings so much love in your life. Seems like he wants to change, you dont want to change. So what if he plays games, Me and my DH play PS3 games, we sometimes spend money on silly things,(he is 43 and i am 39, we still act silly) life would be a total bore if you were so uptight! We have 3 girls and our first boy due any day. Had my first at 25, went out of town every weekend, blew money for no reason, never saved nothing, he use to drink. Then got pregnant with our first, and loved every minute of it.Everything changed for the best. I forgot about buying purses, he stopped drinking,we switched to buying baby clothes,strollers etc. Much more fun
Flash forward: My kids have fun, they are well fed, well loved, home schooled,we still go out town just not every weekend, we act goofy, yep, we still blow some money on silly things, we play games on the Wii together,dh loves his ps fighting games,they know we would do anything for them! they love that we are not like some of their friends parents, uptight, freak out over the silliest thing, never go out to eat, etc.
Just because you are young does not mean you cannot make things for you. You CAN make things work if you really want to and yes, you and him can both change your outlook on life and start making good money decisions.
Take some money out of your checks weekly, even if it is only $5 and save it for yourself to blow on something for no reason at all. Jus cause you are parents doesnt mean you have to stop having fun, hell, your fun is really just starting!
I really hate to be harsh, i know you are the one carrying the baby, but this is HIS decision also. You cannot leave him out it. It has to be a decision that BOTH of YOU Make.
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Last edited by verybusymomto4; September 21st, 2012 at 09:03 AM.
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  #11  
September 24th, 2012, 08:11 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4
Hello. I just wanna say that the last couple of days have been so good. We are keeping our child. I am so in love, happy.. my emotions have just been racing with joy. My bf spoke with his watch commander today and he'll be back to 4x 10 hours days instead of 3x 12 hours. I'm gonna keep working till I can. I seem to love all this planning we are doing. I really can't wait.

Thank you all again.
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  #12  
September 25th, 2012, 09:30 AM
lucyinthesky
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Glad things are beginning to turn around. Congratulations
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  #13  
September 26th, 2012, 10:32 AM
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Posts: 1,154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belen View Post
Hello. I just wanna say that the last couple of days have been so good. We are keeping our child. I am so in love, happy.. my emotions have just been racing with joy. My bf spoke with his watch commander today and he'll be back to 4x 10 hours days instead of 3x 12 hours. I'm gonna keep working till I can. I seem to love all this planning we are doing. I really can't wait.

Thank you all again.
What a wonderful update - I'm so glad to read that you're feeling so good and happy about your plans. I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months.

And by the way, consider sticking around this site! Your Due Date Club (just pick the one on the main forums list page that corresponds to the month of your due date) would be thrilled to have you join them, I'm sure.
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  #14  
October 13th, 2012, 09:13 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I was 24 when I had my first. My husband was 33. Age has nothing to do with maturity. Lol my husband spends 120 etc on new games. **** role playing games on the computer. That I am afraid my dear will never change. My husband is almost 40 and still plays them. That's just who he is. Look at it like I do. Would it really be all that different if he was a sports fanatic watching the games all the time. Same thing really. You'd be amazed by how fast you'll both hit maturity after having a baby. There's no choice it the matter it's grow up and that's it. Your bf will prob still play games he more then likely will not play as often and not spend as much. You'll prob by bags but you'll not spend your whole paycheck. It's a personal choice to have or not and its IMO the most hard decision. You'll ever be faced with. But it sounds like he's excited. And by the sounds of it he would be a pretty involved dad. My hubby wasn't so excited. He was happy but def not anywhere near as happy as your bf sounds. Lol. Ultimately it's your guys choice. I am just commenting on how having a baby will force you to grow up. . It's called instincts. Lol. I knew I wante a baby. And no matter how ready you think you are everyone's in the same boat with baby #1 on how ready you are. It will force you to grow up. I aborted at 17. As I was homeless and my bf and I were no where close to goin to last. Both jobless both high school drop outs. It would affect you. Some people can do it and carry on as if nothing happened. I still 15 years later think about how old my baby would of been. I dreamt of her. It affected me. But as I said some people can do it and it doesn't. I just think if the only reason to not have is the feeling of not being mature enough. You really don't have to worry. If there are many other reasons then yes it really is a question of to have or not.

Last edited by Babycakes2012; October 13th, 2012 at 09:34 AM. Reason: Wanted to clear some points up so not taken the wrong way
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  #15  
October 13th, 2012, 11:11 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: So cal
Posts: 1,309
Why don't you give adoption a go if you are not ready there are family's that are and they will even pay all your medical expenses. It is a thought I don't belive in abortion and this way you can help someone who wants a family but can't will have a family I'm really sorry you are dealing w this Hun ((((((( hugs))))))))
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  #16  
October 23rd, 2012, 01:59 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Everyone in that situation always says that they are not ready financially and emotionally. But you will never really know until you get in that situation. That baby is a blessing, its a good thing that you are keeping your baby. Congratulations and good luck.
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  #17  
October 29th, 2012, 08:18 AM
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It's good to know that there still are men like your bf. I just turned 20 when I got preg; we both were in college that time. We were not prepared in short -- physically, mentally and financially, though every first time is difficult. You both have your families with you and it will be a good start up help for you both, but believe me, you will make it as long as you are responsible and hardworking. Good luck!
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