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Preggers.. turned down marriage proposal


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
September 24th, 2012, 02:15 PM
lucyinthesky
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I'm 10wks. I've been with the father for all of 7 months. He's lovely, gorgeous, kind... and I know he'll be a good dad. But he proposed and I said no. Why? Because would he be proposing if I wasn't pregnant? No. So I don't want to marry just because i'm pregnant. I don't want our child to think we only got married because of him/her. Some people say i'm stupid? Maybe I am. Has anyone else done the same? I'm pretty scared. We're in our mid-late 20's. We both have stable jobs. But I have a very demanding job, long hours, kind of dangerous. But i'm not willing to give up my job. But neither is my partner... one of our major problems... So yep. That's about it. Maybe there's others out there who I can talk to? Thanks
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  #2  
September 24th, 2012, 05:16 PM
Athme's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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The best person to talk to is your partner. Tell him how you feel and see what he says!
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  #3  
September 25th, 2012, 08:48 PM
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My friend's niece was in a somewhat similar position. She was 19 when she and her bf got pregnant. They hadn't even been together 3 whole months yet. BUT, when she was pregnant the first thought was marriage. They ended up living together because her stepmom kicked her out of the house because she was pregnant and unmarried. Neither she or the bf could afford to live alone so they got a place together. The thing is though is even though my friend's family is somewhat religious (about certain things) my friend told her niece 2 wrongs don't make it right. Don't get married just because you are pregnant. So they didn't. They lived together and raised the baby together for almost 2 years and he proposed just before Thanksgiving last year. Now, they are engaged and planning the wedding. The main thing is they are not getting married because they feel the pressure to "make it right" but because they want to be together.

I'm all for being married with kids but I think it is best for 2 people to love each other and decide to get married not feel they have to and end up divorced which would just be harder on the kid anyways.

So, like I said kinda the same position if you get down to the bones of it. Hope this helps.
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  #4  
September 26th, 2012, 08:29 AM
RUNNER25's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Wisconsin
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I usually don't post here, but caught this title and thought I'd respond.

My parents were dating barely a year when my mom got pregnant with me. They weren't using protection, but certainly weren't "trying" either. They were both 19. My Dad proposed because that's the thing you do (he's a very good man). They were married when my mom was 3 months pregnant with me.

They just celebrated their 30 year anniversary. They had some very rough times in the beginning, being so young and with a baby. But, they worked through it.

Would they have gotten married if my mom wouldn't have gotten pregnant? I don't know and they probably don't know either. But that's what happened and the rest is history.

My point is, you just know. If you want it to work you'll find a way. If you feel like it's not supposed to be, then wait a bit. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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  #5  
September 26th, 2012, 10:56 AM
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I have only an anecdote to add. At 24, one of my closest friends had been dating a co-worker of hers for just a few months when she became pregnant. They decided immediately to get married, and had a wedding two months later and then their son six months after that. That was nine years ago, and today they are still happily married and now have a second (planned) child together. They have weathered a LOT together in those nine years, including my friend being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and being hospitalized for a short period of time. They are a happy family together though; both she and her husband are very devoted to each other, and their children are happy and thriving.

I don't think you are stupid for turning down a marriage proposal; you and only you know what is best and right for your life. I think it's normal to be scared when pregnant though - even when that pregnancy is planned, but much more so when the pregnancy is unexpected. And, at least in my limited experience, the hormones in the first trimester are enough to make anyone feel completely unstable for a while.

I don't know your particular situation, but based on your description of the baby's father it sounds like he's planning on sticking around no matter what. Whatever you decide, now or in the long run, it seems like your child will have both parents in it's life - and that's a great starting point.

I wish you lots of luck and a very healthy pregnancy.
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  #6  
September 26th, 2012, 12:16 PM
lucyinthesky
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Thanks guys. I appreciate it. My eldest brother was born about 6 months after my parents married, but apparently he was a premature honeymoon baby... and none of us seem to buy that. Ok 30 years ago it was a slightly different story. But even my friend rushed and got married right after she found out she was pregnant. I don't get what's the rush really!
And yes, my boyfriend is great. Really supportive, committed. And he's actually better with kids than I am. So he's a great guy, and I want to marry him.. just not yet. And everyone just presumes it's because I don't see a future with him... i'm actually sick of explaining myself. Because one of the 1st questions people ask is... oh so when are you getting married. Grrr
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  #7  
September 29th, 2012, 11:47 PM
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My mom went into labor early with me, I was born at 34 weeks. When my mom went into labor, my dad married her by proxy (my grandfather, her dad, was present) so I could be delivered on the military base (in Japan). I was an oops, my early delivery was an even bigger oops, but they dealt with it. They've been married for almost 30 years, I am so proud of them for overcoming so much and not being a statistic.

Fast forward 26 years, and I am pregnant. My boyfriend and I aren't married... the apples don't fall far from the tree, because HIS parents conceived him out of wedlock, too. But I was determined not to marry him because of the pregnancy. We are married now, for financial reasons (oh, so much better *sarcasm* but oh well), baby boy was 6 months old when it happened and while we both wish it could have been different, more ceremonious, I am happy that we did it because of something other than because we were pregnant.
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  #8  
September 30th, 2012, 06:29 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I can give you both ends of the spectrum. I was married when I was 7mo pregnant, 20yrs ago. I got married because I was "scared" of doing it alone. My three cousins and my sister all had babies that year, not married, and it was so sad to see them alone and strugeling. I decided because of being old fashioned, I wanted my baby to be born into a marriage. I went on to have 3 more kids with this man, and stayed married 16yrs. I new in my heart of hearts at the time, that if I was not pregnant, I never would of married him. I loved him, but I new he was not the "love" of my life.

Now Im with a new man for 4yrs and have had 2 baby's with him and one on the way. I cannot wait for this one to be born, so we can finally have the "dream" marriage I always wanted. I know him to be the "love of my life" with no doubts. We were engaged after only dating 5months, but decided on on trying for our baby first, due to my age at the time (I was 38 when we met). We went through 3 losses before having our first at 39 (turned 40 3 months later). Planned on marriage that following year, but got surprise #2. Now we are on surprise #3, and cant wait to get married.

4 baby's born into a marriage that never should of been, and 3 baby's born into a relationship that should be a marriage now. You never know, but trust your gut. Your heart does not lie.......
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  #9  
September 30th, 2012, 09:18 PM
anjawb's Avatar Super Mommy
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Im in kinda the same position... Kinda. My man and I have been together for 6 months, and I am three months pregnant. He proposed to me (well, gave me a ring) after two months, but we didnt talk about plans, and didnt use the F word. When I found out I was pregnant, everyone who knew asked when we were going to get married, and I dont want to just run to city hall because theres a baby coming. We are now living together, and are madly in love and are excited about the baby, but we will get married when the time is right for us!

One thing that my aunt suggester (shes a financial planner) is that we make sure that all the things that would be standard if we were married are covered because of the child since we are not, ie, financial stuff, child care, medical things... depends on you and what is needed. I am going to be financially dependent on him since i am planning on staying home with the baby, so she wants to make sure im covered. Just a though.

Congrats on the baby!
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  #10  
October 1st, 2012, 02:06 PM
lucyinthesky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anjawb View Post
Im in kinda the same position... Kinda. My man and I have been together for 6 months, and I am three months pregnant. He proposed to me (well, gave me a ring) after two months, but we didnt talk about plans, and didnt use the F word. When I found out I was pregnant, everyone who knew asked when we were going to get married, and I dont want to just run to city hall because theres a baby coming. We are now living together, and are madly in love and are excited about the baby, but we will get married when the time is right for us!

One thing that my aunt suggester (shes a financial planner) is that we make sure that all the things that would be standard if we were married are covered because of the child since we are not, ie, financial stuff, child care, medical things... depends on you and what is needed. I am going to be financially dependent on him since i am planning on staying home with the baby, so she wants to make sure im covered. Just a though.

Congrats on the baby!
Thanks hun. Hope all goes well for you! Well our finances and jobs have been a big issue. He wants me to give up work. But I am not willing to do so in the near future, wouldn't even consider it. He doesn't want the baby to have two parents who work all the time.. I told him he could give up work. Oh no way. So then again I said we can still both work and raise a child properly. I think we've sorted everything now bar this. Thanks for the input ladies.
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  #11  
October 11th, 2012, 08:25 AM
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Let me tell you if you feel in your heart he is only proposing because you are pregnant, then talk to him and wait. There is no crime in waiting to get proposed/married.

My hubby and I were together a little over 2 years when I got my surprise pregnancy test. I knew in my heart I wanted to marry him, but I asked him to not propose to me while I was pregnant. I didnt ever want to feel like we were getting engaged/married only because I was pregnant. It didnt change anything for us. We continued to live together and be together. We were able to experience the joy of having our first baby together. He proposed to me when our beautiful daughter was 6 months old. We were able to suprise all our friends and family with a wonderful home marriage at our daughters 1st birthday party (we secretly got married a few days prior). We also got our not so suprise BFP about a month after our wedding. I love him dearly and plan to spend the rest of my life with him.

I do not (and never will) regret asking him to wait till after the baby to propose/get married.
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  #12  
October 11th, 2012, 04:20 PM
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You have to do what you feel is right. I refused to marry my daughters dad just because we were having a baby. Maybe after the baby is born you will feel differently and want to take the next step. I wish you luck!!
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