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Unplanned baby, help me with my decision!


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
December 11th, 2012, 07:48 AM
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Ok, so I really don't want this to be insensitive on this topic as I almost feel guilty that I have fallen pregnant when there are so many women trying to conceive and not getting the results they are looking for. I do need someone to talk to though as I found out last week that I am pregnant (five weeks) and as it was unexpected we are obviously quite shocked. My partner has been really supportive and done everything that he should have in this situation. He has been very attentive checking if I am ok and if I need anything, how am I feeling etc. When we originally found out he did say that we can do whatever it is that I want to, but for me we need to make a solid and joint decision in this, together. And I want to do this completely with him, whichever choice we make.

I have been with my partner for just over five years, we both have jobs (we're not exactly high flying executives but we are doing alright) I have been with my company for four and a half years and my partner has just passed a six month probationary period in his new role last month. We are 26 and 28. I drive and have a clean driving licence, although he didn't transfer his US licence to a UK licence within the given time frame when he moved here so it has "expired". He would need to take a new UK test. Although this is something that could be easily taken care of before the baby came.

The things that are holding me back are we have 3k between us in debt, we don't live together yet and of course we are not married. We both enjoy going out every now and then and having a few drinks as everyone our age does.
Although he does sometimes go out on a Saturday day time to watch the football with friends and stays out until midnight-ish, occasionally later. He's done that on a Sunday before too which really concerns me and obviously could never happen with a baby. I have always been a family person and always said that I would love to have kids with my partner. I've also always said I would never have a termination. Now I am responsible for another life, I am just so scared of making the wrong choice. I feel like I want to keep the baby but I don't want it to be a bad decision and I certainly don't want to have a termination purely on the grounds of being selfish! He is a great guy and he has a young nephew who he is so good with, he genuinely LOVES spending time with him playing with him and generally is a great uncle! He is so very good with kids, which obviously melts me, but one of your own I guess is different.

I have been eating as a pregnant woman should, no soft cheeses, raw meats, unpasteurized milk etc. I have also been taking Folic Acid and Vitamin D etc just in case we do decide to keep our baby. I couldn't risk knowing that I had caused any problems by being irresponsible. I also obviously haven't had any alcohol since I found out and I have never been a smoker anyway so I'm obviously not smoking.

We can save plenty and get moved in to a new place in the new year, which is fine and I know that we would love the baby unconditionally. I am just worried financially and of course giving a baby everything it needs. Are we too young? Would this be a good decision? I haven't ever been responsible for anyone other than myself in the past and right now I am responsible for another person which is crazy to me. I feel protective of this baby already but I need to make the right choice, whatever it may be. Any stories or tips you could share would be really appreciated by me at this time

Thank you for reading and listening and thanks in advance for your replies!

Last edited by HelpMe86; December 11th, 2012 at 09:03 AM.
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  #2  
December 11th, 2012, 10:47 AM
ElliotsMommy13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It sounds like you are in a decent spot. It is ultimately your decision.. but I am 24 and doing this alone. I am almost 7 weeks pregnant now (Due August 3rd) and I have a car I still owe 12k on, and a student loan I owe 10k on. I plan to have my car paid by the time baby is born although I am just in a seasonal job now and looking into another job but it is not easy. I am terrified but feel better now that I have made a decision. Once you choose and decide which way is best, you should feel less emotionally torn.
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  #3  
December 11th, 2012, 11:02 AM
Repti.Mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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To me 3k isn't that big of a debt. We owe over that on just one vehicle that we 'own'. ALSO to me having a beer now and then while pregnant isn't a big deal either. If you look at the French, they drink a glass of wine with dinner every day and they turn out fine
After the baby comes of course you wont be able to just dump him/her on someone and go bar hopping, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun. We have 7 children now and still hang out with friends and grill out, and have small parties here almost every weekend. Only difference is the friends come here, and it's kid friendly too. There's nothing saying your friends would mind going to your house to play cards instead of going out to a bar either!

If those are your only concerns I would keep the baby in a heartbeat. You are more organized and ready than many many women who come to this board.
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  #4  
December 11th, 2012, 11:03 AM
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To me it sounds like you have your mind made up, you are just looking for confirmation. Like MelissaMarie said, you are in a good spot. 3k in debt is not bad at all. You both have stable jobs, and love each other. I also don't think you are too young. You've already got a plan made, so I say...Congratulations!? Good luck
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Last edited by MandersM; December 11th, 2012 at 11:05 AM.
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  #5  
December 11th, 2012, 12:31 PM
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Thanks so much for your replies! I really appreciate them!

I know we are not in THAT bad of a situation but another part to this is that I broke up with him a few months ago for not giving me what I needed in terms of affection and attention etc. He went to all lengths to get me back and really has made an effort since I took him back (this happened in September) I am so frightened that it wont last or that I will end up doing this on my own. We were rocky a few years ago too.... And although he doesn't go out drinking all the time or anything, when he does go out at the weekend he can't just have one or two, he has to get really drunk. He doesn't know when to stop. I am really scared of that. I cant bring up a baby with someone who pops out for a pint and comes back obliterated! Although he plays basketball also at the weekend so he often wont go out if he has a game. Such a hard choice as I know most men do reshuffle their priorities, but how can I be sure he would?!

MelissaMarie247 - First off.... Congratulations! You really are an inspiration doing this on your own! I really admire that. You are right that I will feel better once I have some sort of decision. Its so hard being in limbo! Do you feel better now that you have a plan? Is this your first baby?

Repti.Mom & MandersM - I have *kind of* decided what I want. I am scared that he wont step up to the mark or that I will be left "holding the baby" I know that there are so many what ifs but, what if I cant provide on my own? I really hate asking for help....

Thank you x
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  #6  
December 11th, 2012, 06:03 PM
ElliotsMommy13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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yes, this is my first baby. I honestly never felt there was another option for me if I were to ever fall in this situation. I feel like at 24 I am grown up to take responsibility for my own mistake. I hate asking for help, too... but surprisingly I have a few friends already excited to go baby shopping and I had to actually go to the state for pregnancy medical care. I am working on getting another job but those are really hard to find with a degree in History and Psychology. =/
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  #7  
December 12th, 2012, 12:04 AM
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I know. I feel like that too. I honestly never thought I would ever even CONSIDER an abortion if I fell pregnant. But I suppose now it has happened I am so terrified of such a massive change. I guess I just need to talk to my partner and work all of these out. I know in my heart I want to keep it as it is a little life.....my little life.

I guess I am just scared of everything changing!

Luckily (?!) I live in the UK so we have the NHS. Means that I wont have to pay for pregnancy care.

You can do it.... something will crop up. Even if it is not in your field! I guess we all have to do what we have to do in these situations. What are you hoping for - boy or girl? We would be due at a similar time!
xx
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  #8  
December 12th, 2012, 12:10 PM
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Okay first off, congrats... Pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Now, sweetie money is never an issue. We all have debt somehow.
I am 22, pregnant with my first. I am a OB Tech in a University hospital as well as a full time student. The father of my child left us early on cause he felt he wasnt ready for the change. So of course all the fincial responsibility would fall on me.
I was up in doubt and choices. It wasnt until a lady told me
"A baby doesnt care what type of clothes you put on them, what kind of diapers are name brand, how much money you make or how your prior life is... A baby needs to know you love them, you care for them and that they will akways have you"

I knew in my heart that my life could be able to adjust and I could love someone so much.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant. The babys dad is still gone but I feel amazing.
You have the father of your child willing to go down either path, honey thats a sweet man.
Listen to every option and understand each path. I may be younger then you but we all are different and feel different. Just make sure your happy and that makes your baby happy.
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  #9  
December 12th, 2012, 12:31 PM
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Thank you Teecee.... you are so brave doing this alone. I am so afraid. A friend said to me today "a baby is a precious gift that some people dont have, so embrace it, step up" this really made me well up. I want the best for my babies and I know that it is not to give the baby no chance.

How did you come to terms with the decision to keep the baby?
Do you think that the father will come around?

Thank you for your reply, it is so nice to hear words like this.... it does help
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  #10  
December 12th, 2012, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Thank you Teecee.... you are so brave doing this alone. I am so afraid. A friend said to me today "a baby is a precious gift that some people dont have, so embrace it, step up" this really made me well up. I want the best for my babies and I know that it is not to give the baby no chance.

How did you come to terms with the decision to keep the baby?
Do you think that the father will come around?*
I just knew that eventually things get better. Aside from all the pesky pregnancy symptoms its a wonderful experience.
It does get scary, I mean its a new life and being a first timer I know theres still moments where im filled with worry. But with the support of family and close friends, it fills the void of my babys father.

As for him coming back, he did finally text today so we will see how things go from there. All I know is I am proud of my pregnancy and you should be too.

=)
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  #11  
December 12th, 2012, 06:27 PM
ElliotsMommy13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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If you do keep it, you should add me to facebook.. we could keep up with each other's pregnancies. Just private message me the info if you want it.. I want a girl.. but feeling boy.
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  #12  
December 12th, 2012, 07:37 PM
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it sounds to me in your heart you want your child, your more confused if the father of the child is able to step up and not go out and drink and party, but settle down and be a dad. it sounds like he is willing to do anything for you and keep you and loves you very much, imagine how his heart and mind will change holding his baby for the first time... women become mothers the moment they become pregnant men become fathers when they lay eyes on their child, and even if he doesnt change and if you guys dont work (which to me it seems like you have been together a long time and will probably be able to work through anything) that baby will be so loved by you and the fact that you have protective instincts this early on sounds like you'll be a great mother! good luck on your decision
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  #13  
December 13th, 2012, 01:23 AM
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Teecee - I am so pleased that he has been in touch. Perhaps he is a little scared that is all. So lovely to hear that you have such a good support network. I am terrified of what my family will say.

MelissaMarie247 - That would be lovely.... I would definitely be nice to keep in touch! I would love a girl, I have always dreamed of a daughter!

Kearsty20 - Your message made me well up! It is so true that women become a mother right away.... You are right that I am worried that he does not want to settle down and stop partying. I guess I just have to do this for myself and my baby rather than for him. Having a baby is a blessing, it would only be a bonus to have my partner around. Do you have children yourself?
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  #14  
December 13th, 2012, 07:37 AM
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Teecee - I am so pleased that he has been in touch. Perhaps he is a little scared that is all. So lovely to hear that you have such a good support network. I am terrified of what my family will say.*
Hes back in touch for now, like I told my other ladies in my DDC, We will see for how long. But all that aside, my support system that I created on my own is just as helpful. They may not be the father but any support helps, friends, family, this forum. And as you progress and attend appointments, your baby becomes apart.of that support. The first baby movements are the first touches from your lil one and thats enough love to see a brighter future.
I know im a few weeks ahead of you, but you can always reach me in my inbox, and/or in my DDC of may..
Im due may 10th. So I have a few more months to go...
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  #15  
December 13th, 2012, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by TeeCee View Post
Hes back in touch for now, like I told my other ladies in my DDC, We will see for how long. But all that aside, my support system that I created on my own is just as helpful. They may not be the father but any support helps, friends, family, this forum. And as you progress and attend appointments, your baby becomes apart.of that support. The first baby movements are the first touches from your lil one and thats enough love to see a brighter future.
I know im a few weeks ahead of you, but you can always reach me in my inbox, and/or in my DDC of may..
Im due may 10th. So I have a few more months to go...

You are so kind. Thank you for your responses!

I guess because I don't have too many symptoms and I don't have any movement etc it seems still as if it is not happening. Once there is an ultrasound and I can see my little baby, it will all be different.

Did you go to your scan on your own? Was it as amazing as they say? I am dying to know

xx
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  #16  
December 13th, 2012, 11:47 AM
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Oh yes! I was in such denial the first few weeks, even with my symptoms. It took me awhile to accept the truth. I was just afraid of losing my prior life. I worked so hard to achieve so much that with this unplanned baby, it stopped me from enjoying my first few weeks of pregnancy. But I still proceeded with caution.
I did go to all my appointments alone, but honestly a pregnancy is a bond between mother and child. The fathers dont feel what we do. They can show.support but its amazing at how much we experience.
Awe yes, any appointment is exciting. Its amazing, I work with womens health and most of my patients are 14 weeks or more pregnant. So I was familiar with the lingo of pregnancy, and the fetals heartbeat. But when it came to my lil one, the first time I heard its heart beat, I was filled with such joy. Knowing I had a being inside and expecting me to care for him or her. Its one moment I pray every women experiences.
You can ask your doctor tif you can record the heartbeat scan while they are doing it. I asked and its perfectly fine, they cant deny you that. I took along my iphone and while we had the baby on the doppler I was able to record the entire session.

How far along are you now?
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  #17  
December 13th, 2012, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeeCee View Post
Oh yes! I was in such denial the first few weeks, even with my symptoms. It took me awhile to accept the truth. I was just afraid of losing my prior life. I worked so hard to achieve so much that with this unplanned baby, it stopped me from enjoying my first few weeks of pregnancy. But I still proceeded with caution.
I did go to all my appointments alone, but honestly a pregnancy is a bond between mother and child. The fathers dont feel what we do. They can show.support but its amazing at how much we experience.
Awe yes, any appointment is exciting. Its amazing, I work with womens health and most of my patients are 14 weeks or more pregnant. So I was familiar with the lingo of pregnancy, and the fetals heartbeat. But when it came to my lil one, the first time I heard its heart beat, I was filled with such joy. Knowing I had a being inside and expecting me to care for him or her. Its one moment I pray every women experiences.
You can ask your doctor tif you can record the heartbeat scan while they are doing it. I asked and its perfectly fine, they cant deny you that. I took along my iphone and while we had the baby on the doppler I was able to record the entire session.

How far along are you now?
Ah that sounds so amazing! I am so the same, afraid that this baby will change everything. As I dont really have too many symptoms (apart from sore boobs and some nausea) so it is kind of easy to pretend it is not happening.... Once I have a bump or a scan then I am sure it will be more real. I never imagine anyone can describe to you what it feels like to see your little baby on the screen. If you see it all the time and were still amazed I cant wait to see mine

I definitely would be in there with my phone too! haha Those are the moments you never get back

I will be six weeks on Monday, so still really early! Do you have much of a bump? So pleased for you that you are so happy with your choice! One thing I cant imagine is terminating and wondering all my life what he/she would have looked like, how their personality would develop etc such priceless things and only one ever chance to have that person.... crazy!
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  #18  
December 13th, 2012, 06:35 PM
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yes i do! a little boy ten months old and i can not tell you how wonderful and awesome he has made my life! i cant remember what life was like without him! i think im getting baby fever again i am totally ready for another! they get big way to fast. its wierd reading what i write about him, before i had him and read stuff on facebook about people's kids i didnt get it and it wasnt interesting, its almost like when you become a mom you are in a new insider group lol
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  #19  
December 13th, 2012, 07:09 PM
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Awe six weeks? Still very early.
Have you made an appointment?

Yes, I have a small bump. I dont fit my jeans but I still wear my shirts, even if they are snug.
I just recently have been feeling baby move every day.

How are you handling your symptoms?
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  #20  
December 14th, 2012, 02:14 AM
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Kearsty20 - hahaha - I know this is what all mums say, its just so weird to imagine your life changing SO much with a baby. I mean, in such a positive way. At the moment all I see is, ah I wont be able to do what I want, sleepless nights. no money etc.... I guess those are small prices to pay though for your child once he/she is here.

Was your baby planned? How did your partner take it?

Teecee - Yes, only six weeks. My partner is coming over to talk about what we plan to do tonight. I dont know how I am going to tell him that I think I would like to keep the baby. I hope he is on the same page. I have a feeling that he might be but just scared to say so.

I am frightened of not being able to fit in my clothes, even my "fat-fat" jeans for when I am putting on weight wont be good enough! hahah So beautiful that you can feel the baby moving....that must be such an amazing feeling?

Symptoms wise I haven't really had much. My boobs have been mega sore for about three weeks, I have also had a tiny bit of nausea but not too bad. I havent actually puked yet....
Have you had many?
xx
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