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On the fence


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 2 Post By momof8lopez
  • 1 Post By mrsjl
  • 1 Post By Leogirl
  • 3 Post By MIL2lissy8
  • 4 Post By neefer
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  #1  
January 17th, 2013, 07:50 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
I just found out I am 5 weeks along. The father and I are in a casual relationship he already has a child. We get along very well, and he is a good person but has said he has said he does not think he wants another child. He asked what I wanted to do and I said I did not know, but then asked if I had any objections to abortion. I said I do not have moral or religious views against it. And he said "well, if you were thinking of keeping the baby I should be honest and tell you we can't be a family. I will support it but we won't be together." And he asked me if I would like for him to to make an appointment for the abortion - which I did myself. He has been very supportive of that, said he will pay for it and take care of me afterwards.

I'm unsure of what to do. I'm in my mid-30's, have a decent paying job with great benefits and flexibility, and I feel I am ready and may be able to do this on my own. My hesitation is that my family lives thousands of miles away, and I also know that he feels abortion is our only option. I know it is my body and my choice but am considerate of him as well and don't want to force him to be a father again against his will.

I am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. I'm afraid that if I tell him I am on the fence, he will go from being wonderful and supportive to hostile and resentful. Not because he is a terrible person but because this will turn his life upside down and this is not something he wanted.

Advice? I really don't want to terminate unless I am absolutely sure.
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  #2  
January 17th, 2013, 10:26 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,315
If you were my daughter or sister (Im 42, and have been there and done that), I would tell you to follow your heart. Please just do yourself one favor though, dont make a decision based on what he "might" say, feel or how he may react. Sounds like this guy is not the "one" anyway, and any decision you will make will be one that you will live with for the rest of your life. If you and him were madly in love, I dont believe you would even be questioning your decision, and sadly, this is why I say he is probably not the one you will ulitmately have a family with anyway. This is your baby, a part of you and yes him. Your decision will impact you more than it will ever impact him. You really should make this more about what you want, no one else. Good luck sweety. I pray you do whats right for you.
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  #3  
January 18th, 2013, 09:18 AM
mrsjl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 4,880
I really do feel like you should only be considering your feelings. if he wants to go, let him. every person who has sex knows it can result in pregnancy, and he took that chance, and now it's YOUR decision what to do about it. if YOU want to keep it, keep it.

he will just have to accept whatever you decide to do.
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  #4  
January 18th, 2013, 02:40 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
Is it possible for you to see a pregnancy counselor? I'm willing to bet the place where you have the appointment provides this service and most likely for free. They will be able to lay out all of your options and answer any questions that you may have.

In the end you HAVE to do what's best for YOU. Take the guy out of the equation and see how you feel. If everything is up to you and you alone what would you do? Whatever you choose is your honest answer. If you are not 110% sure about the abortion don't do it. It will only lead to regret and resentment that will possibly end your relationship.

If he was so adamant about not becoming a father he would have/should have taken more responsablity in the matter and used a condom every time or had a vasectomy. He took the chance and lost. The responsablity is not all on your shoulders and he shouldn't be trying to lump it all on you.

Good luck to you. We are here if you need us!
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  #5  
January 18th, 2013, 04:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: southern cali
Posts: 3,235
these gals have given you wise advice -- please pay attention to it!!!!! you sound like you are in a much better situation that many single moms -- i have great faith that you can raise this baby just fine. all you need to do is WANT to raise.
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  #6  
January 18th, 2013, 07:32 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Thank you very much!

I let him know today that I am unsure and he said that if there was any chance I wanted to keep the baby I should know that he does not want it, and will not help me raise it. He said he already has enough on his plate raising a child with his ex, with whom he has a difficult relationship. However, he said he understood he had "obligations", which I know means financial.

I am still stuck because I know that if I want to do this on my own, I can but can do it in a way that will not turn his life upside down - like wait a year and go through a sperm donor. But I do agree with the statement that if he knew he didn't want more kids he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom.

He sees that I am struggling with this, and it would be nice if he had something to say besides "I'm sorry" and "I'll take care of you after the abortion". He doesn't seem to understand why this is such a difficult decision for me. I'm feeling cornered, pressured, and very helpless.
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  #7  
January 18th, 2013, 11:15 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 287
Just the fact that you are feeling "cornered, pressured, and very helpless" should be a big wakeup call for you. As the other ladies have advised, you reallllyy must take his desires out of your decision making plans. He is only thinking of himself...so why are you so worried about his feelings? Believe me, if you have this baby it will NOT turn his life upside down. He will be just fine walking away and not looking back. It is you who has to live with the decision to end this child's life for the rest of yours. I feel your pain...tough decisions are hard to make, although I've never been in your position before. I must say, though, there is one thing that disturbs me about the way you are processing your thoughts...can you really justify terminating this baby and consider conceiving another instead just because THIS baby (who already is growing and developing) might stress him out? It just sounds to me like if you truly take his discomfort out of the equation, you are nowhere near ready for an abortion. And all you have to do is let him go!

I very much hope that you don't make a decision without giving yourself the time to fully think this through. I can imagine that in just a matter of hours your heart and mind must be all over the place. If you decide to carry this baby and become a mother, I am betting you'll come to know a joy and love like you've never known...just a feeling I have from reading two posts from someone I've never met. Please keep us posted. We're listening!
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  #8  
January 18th, 2013, 11:32 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks neefer. No, I cannot justify aborting this baby just to have another one on my own in the future. He is not being considerate of me in this situation, so I need to stop worrying so much about him. I am definitely going to take the weekend to think and will not talk to him - because I know he will pressure me. I'm going to talk to a counselor and supportive friend.

I will keep everyone posted!
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  #9  
January 19th, 2013, 02:28 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 848
You've gotten some great advice. It sounds like as hard as he's trying to sound like the 'nice guy' he's really just trying to pressure you to do what makes his life easier, which is not cool.

You've said you can do this without him, and that you'd like to have a baby. To me that sounds like the thought patterns of someone who would love to keep this baby who's growing inside of you and makes me think you'll very much regret it if you decide on the abortion. The reasons you've given to do the abortion all have to do with this guy, and he doesn't sound like the one you're going to keep around, so I would take him out of your mental picture entirely! I hope this weekend gives you some peace and clarity, and even though we're just here virtually, know that we're here to listen and support you!
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  #10  
January 19th, 2013, 03:32 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Mamatomany, he always tries to be the nice guy and puts on this act like everything he does is for others.

My concern of course is bringing a child into the world knowing his/her father doesn't want him/her. What if the child asks about his/her father? I know women go through this and do have explanations but it is just something that's worried me lately.

And of course I hope he does come around... I just told him 3 days ago. Maybe he will think of a way things can work out. I am happy I have more time to think, and he has more time to digest this.
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  #11  
January 19th, 2013, 08:49 PM
ElliotsMommy13's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2,668
It is definitely YOUR choice.. I have a close friend who was with a guy like that, had the abortion, and then he left right away now he wasnt responsible anymore. She was devastated. Plus you said you might be ready to do it yourself now.. which is a lot better situation than a lot of people are in. I am 24 and doing this myself with no support at all from the guy.. long story.. but, if it is something you want to do.. then it is not making him a father again against his will.. you both took part in making the child.. sooo, it is not just his choice what to do. A child will turn life upside down at anytime!! Im sure if you did keep it it won't be the end of the world. Plus, I was sooo unsure of how I was going to get by when I found out and then at 7 weeks along I started to bleed and got a clot and I was actually scared something was wrong.. Part of me thought it could have just not been meant to be.. I got an ultrasound in the ER at 7 weeks exactly and I saw the beautiful heartbeat and little head moving around and I just knew it was my baby in there.. Now already at 12 weeks, I saw perfectly defined fingers and him/her waving around at me and I am still just barely showing!! I really hope you do what is best for you.. It sounds to me like you have concerns and if you terminate there is no way you can change your mind. If you keep it and then want to change your mind, you can always give it to a loving couple who cannot get pregnant on their own.
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  #12  
January 27th, 2013, 08:55 PM
BriLandy's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Puyallup, Wa
Posts: 100
Please don't abort the baby purely based on the father's opinion. Yes, he is the father and his opinion matters, but if he is telling you to end his baby's life, then I think that voids any responsibility on his part.

I'm twenty, single, and an unemployed student pregnant with an unplanned baby. My baby's father told me the same thing, but I decided that I can do it whether he is there or not. If I can do it, you definitely can. And even if your family isn't close by, you have resources and people who may be strangers but care about you and will be here for advice/help.

I just responded to another young woman who is in a similar situation and I urged her not to get an abortion either. I'm pro choice and believe that everybody has the right to make their own decisions, but I'm the product of an unplanned pregnancy and was adopted as a baby. I'm glad my parents were brave enough to give me a chance at life. So even if you decide that raising a baby on your own is not something that you can/want to do, you have other options besides terminating a little life.

I really believe that you can do it and the fact that you're considering your options shows that you're a good mom already. Good luck.
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  #13  
February 6th, 2013, 06:14 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 205
I don't think abortion is a good option. You are in the right age and you have a good job. If your man cannot stand for you and your baby, then you do stand for your baby. You just don't know how it feels good to become a mother.
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