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I'm new to the boards and to boards in general, so please don't hold it against me if I make any mistakes with this post. I have already lost a post that I wrote earlier and am hence writing a new one!
So here's my woeful story....
I'm 35. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who was born after my husband and I tried for 3.5 years. I had recurring endometriosis and have a lot of scarring in my uterus due to the many surgeries I had as a result of the endo. A year ago, I was told that I would not be able to have any more children with my own eggs. I was devastated. Then, 6 months later (July of last year), I discovered that my husband had been having an affair (not his first) and we separated. Naturally, I was a mess and only started picking up the pieces when an ex of mine made contact in early December. He and I started talking for hours a night (he lives in another city) and then when I told him that my ex was taking my daughter camping over New Years, he decided to fly me up to his beach house for a holiday and to reconnect with him and to stop me from moping around home missing my daughter.
Things were going really well and I had a great time with him. After my trip, he did the normal guy pullback and we decided to slow it down a bit although we were both keen to keep getting to know each other. Well, last Monday I found out that I am pregnant!!! I was very worried about bus reaction and it turned out I had reason to. He was very shocked as we were both under the impression that I could not conceive. He is very angry and is blaming me as he believes that maybe I tricked him, which by the way, I did not! He is bullying me into an abortion and is very angry.
If I was to have an abortion, I would end up with more scarring and would be most likely sealing my fate as far as future children are concerned and I just don't think I could live with myself. I am all for women being able to choose and have no judgement against anyone who goes that way, but I know that I couldn't go through with it, but am feeling very guilty that I would be having a child that he doesn't want. I have given him an out, insofar as I have told him that he can choose his level of involvement and can even pretend that neither of us even exist, but he is still pushing for the abortion.
I need to be honest here and say that this is not the way I wanted to have another child and I would be lying if I said that I hadn't considered a termination at all, but I know now that if I went through with it, it would be purely for him and I know I would regret it and be a high risk for depression afterwards. I'm terrified of telling him that I am keeping it and I'm terrified of doing this alone. I am under no illusions that he will come around, but I can't help hoping for it. I still really like him and even though he is being a bit pushy, I know that he is just really angry and his reaction is probably very normal.
I am both physically and emotionally able to have this baby. Finances will be extremely tight as I am just trying to get on my feet after the separation and have started a business (teaching dance to preschoolers) and am trying to get that off the ground to get off the benefit asap. I need to be able to afford to buy my ex out of our family home (especially now) as I am living in quake destroyed Christchurch, New Zealand and rent and home sales here are incredibly high as a result of the demand for homes. I am sure though that I can make this work. So I guess I am looking for advice on how to deal with the father of this baby. I still really like him and hope that it can work out, even though I am holding onto little or no hope here of that happening.
Am I doing the right thing in having this baby? I am scared of resenting it, but I also believe that as soon as I feel it move inside me, I will be fine. Am I forcing something on him that is totally unfair? Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated and don't be afraid to be completely honest. Thanks in advance.
If you have any doubts of having your baby terminated than that is not the route to take. You already considered his feelings because you have given him the option to be involved as little or as much in your child's life as he wants and that's all you can do, but I think if you had an abortion just for him than you would regret it and end up resenting him, not to mention risking the chances of not being able to have another baby in the future. The choice is completely yours and yours alone to make, but from what I read I think you already know in your heart what you want to do When one door closes another one opens. Btw Congratulations!
Last edited by MommyofAngels1985; January 30th, 2013 at 08:57 PM.
Think about IF the situation was different and he was excited & telling you to keep the baby - would termination have even crossed your mind? If the answer is no, then maybe termination isn't the best thing.
I am all for woman having the right to chose and wouldn't judge any woman for their decision ... but I am NOT for men bullying woman into termination, and the woman opting for termination because she feels she has no choice & nowhere to go.
You've already given him a complete out - telling him that he can pretend you & this baby don't exist ... and if that is not good enough, screw him. This decision isn't his to make, it's BOTH OF YOUR decision to make. If he doesn't live close by I would drop his *** and not answer your phone if he calls.
Depending on how far along you are - you may have some time to think about what you want to do, and I would take all the time you can to come to a decision you are 100% comfortable with.
..lurking again..............It sounds like he is throwing a bit of a tantrum. Now, granted everyone has rights to their feelings and even outbursts especially with highly emotional events. You are being understanding of that. However, he is an adult and whether or not you and him both thought you were infertile does not change the fact that here you are, pregnant with an innocent child, and you can only move foward. The blame game is not helpful. Things happen in life that we do not expect and some go on to be our biggest blessings =)))) Perhaps you could even say this to him and that many often are bombarded in life by a tragic death, disease, natural disaster.....and if the worst thing in life is an unexpected pregnancy...even a child to care for, you are quite lucky. I know not everyone sees having kids this way and that is understandable BUT, again he is an adult, you did something adults do, you were honest (despite what he may think)...and here you are.
I know how hard it must be. My father left my mom when she was pregnant with me and she was terrified especially because she has an incompetant cervix and is literally on ned rest the entire 9 months. She had no means of supporting herself and somehow had to survive, alone, on bed rest...without working. I know that when she had me I changed her life and gave her strength. It sounds pretty surreal that you coneived this child and just maybe this is all part of a perfect plan for you....if he chooses not to be a part of it, then this is his loss.
You sounds like an intelligent and very capable woman...I think you've already made your decision. You also are being extremely empathetic and understanding and that is very admirable. Please follow your heart, be true to YOU, and as tempting as it is to please him (I know because I'm a people pleaser to a fault).........maybe these are true colors of someone that if he can't get it together, would not be the best fit for you....a blessing in diguise. <<<<<hugs>>>>> YOU ARE STRONG AND...MOST IMPORTANTLY...CONGRATULATIONS!!! HOW EXCITING!!! =))))))
You have gotten some wonderful advice and encouragement from the ladies on here. I just want to add that whether or not you decide to mother this child you should not let your ex, or anyone else, pressure you emotionally and try to manipulate you into an abortion. This child is yours, you can take care of it, and you know it may very well be your only chance at a second child. If the father doesn't want to man up and take responsibility that's his problem (and his loss), but please don't let his lack of responsibility make you feel guilty about giving him any trouble. If he does end up coming around, great. If not, I am absolutely sure you will not resent this little one -- in fact, it seems like a miracle thwt you were able to conceive at all!
Also, as an aside, my daughter st 5/6 was able to be very helpful with her little brothers. I think you will have a sweet and wonderful 'support network' in her right at home .
Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.
if you want to keep this child.. then keep it.. I know it is not as easy said as it is done... but it truly saddens me when guys pressure women into abortions they don't want. I think it is the woman's right to choose what goes on with her body. He took part in the action to create it. There is ALWAYS a chance of this happening. He will get over it.. and if not, you can do it solo.. Im doing the pregnancy alone and definitely not so stable now. It will definitely work out somehow. Its a mothers instinct to make sure their babies are taken care of.