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I got pregnant after dating my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great at first, but after i got pregnant he started getting resentful and controlling. I live in an expensive city and told him i want to move back home before i have the baby so i can have the support of my family (my parents are overjoyed and willing/able to help me out a lot). He originally said he'd help pay my rent during my unpaid maternity leave so that i can stay in current city near him and his family.
However, the stress of the relationship and his emotional abuse became too much and i ended things. He became very angry and said he'd sue me for primary custody because i clearly don't love our child if I'm breaking up with him. He said he'd never pay me a dime and if i can't hack it in this city, i should leave the baby with him because he can. He also threatened to get a court order to prevent me from moving out of state. I spoke to an attorney who said I'm free to move any time before i give birth, so that's what I'm going to do. I need my family! I told my ex that i don't feel comfortable with him coming to my prenatal appts or the birth given his threats and the amount of stress they've caused me. I plan to notify him immediately after the birth so he can visit his child. I don't want to prevent him from having a relationship with his child, which is his right, but why should i have to stay in a city i can't afford? He is perfectly capable of moving himself to be closer to his child. I asked him to leave me alone until after the birth, so now he's emailing my friends trying to get them on his side (they are firmly behind me). He's very, very manipulative and careful to come off reasonable in emails and texts despite being verbally abusive in person and over the phone.
He does not yet know that I'm moving. Should i tell him after i move or wait to tell him after the baby is born? I'm afraid he will try to get into the delivery room and cause me intense stress while I'm in labor. However, he might argue in court that i tried to prevent him from having a relationship with his child (I've agreed to do mediation for a visitation schedule after the birth, but not before). I'm trying to enjoy my pregnancy but it's very difficult when he's trying to undermine my support system.
First off, it's VERY hard to take a child away from it's mother. As long as you have a safe place to live and all of the child's needs (clothing, food, ect) are met you have nothing to worry about.
It's very smart of you to consult a lawyer and after your move you should look into getting one on retainer for when the baby is born. You will want to get visitation, support, and everything settled ASAP. Not getting everything done in court will just lead to more headache later on.
Also you need to document everything that goes on between the two of you. Stop talking to him on the phone (or do it as little as possible). Communicate via email, text message, or writing. If he threatens you or the baby in the future be sure to file a police report. A paper trail can only help you in court. You may want to look into your local laws about getting an order of protection. Let everyone around you know what's going on and that he may try to contact them for info about you. Ask them not to respond to him at all or to not share anything about you.
There is no way he can stop you from moving or doing anything you want to do unless he can prove that you are a danger to yourself and to the child. The only way he can prove this is if you are drinking/using drugs while pregnant, not receiving prenatal care, trying to commit suicide, or are involved with any illegal activities.
You should also know that most hospitals have a thing called "silent patient". If you check in as a silent patient they give you a code name. Your real name is not listed anywhere so that no info is given out about you and anyone that doesn't have your code name won't be allowed in to see you or will receive any info about you. That way you don't have to worry about him unexpectedly showing up for your birth.
Whew, that makes me feel better. I have no history of drug use, suicide, criminal activity, etc., and i have a history of steady employment despite recent student loans for grad school. I won't be working when the baby is born, but i plan to get a job after establishing a breastfeeding and pumping routine with LO. Very good idea about the silent patient - he has done things like go through my phone and email without permission (i obviously changed all passwords when we broke up), so i have a feeling he will try and call hospitals near my due date. I'll be living with my parents when baby is here, but they have a safe, clean home with plenty of room for me and baby. My mom has already baby-proofed the place!
Last edited by dreamcatcher618; June 20th, 2013 at 02:16 PM.
Couldn't agree more with the above. I say you should move as soon as possible and do everything you can to prevent him knowing about it until you are gone. Although he is currently only emotionally and verbally manipulative and abusive that is no garuntee that he will not try to physically prevent you from leaving if he finds out.
I'm so glad you're parents are so supportive. They sound like they will provide and loving and wonderful place for you and your baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I can't wait for you to be able to get out of this situation and truly enjoy your pregnancy as it nears the happy end!
Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.