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Pregnant with 3rd and hubby wants abortion


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 24th, 2013, 02:12 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, TX
Posts: 355
Just a bit of history on me. DH and I became parents at very young age. I was 17 and he was 19 when our beautiful daughter was born (she is now 15). We got married so Aug. 1 will be 15 years for us. When we decided it was time for baby #2 I had issues getting pregnant even though I was very regular with cycles and ovulating. Plus being in my early twenties at the time it was so frustrating not knowing why I couldn't get pregnant. In April 2005 I had a cyst removed from my left ovary and showed to have some endometriosis but lo and behold I finally did get pregnant that fall and had our son in June 2006 so he just turned 7. After I had him I went on the pill for a while and then got Mirena in April 2007. I enjoyed having Mirena as far as not having a period! But right after getting it I started getting migraines and had unexplained weight gain. Not much, but 11 lbs in 2 years for no known reason. I wasn't eating more and still exercised. Plus I would have bad pains on my left side and I knew that Mirena was said to cause cysts. So...when it came time to have the Mirena removed or replaced, I chose to remove it to see if some of my "symptoms" didn't go away and I went on Ortho Tri Cyclen (this was July 2012).

Fast forward to now. My yearly physical was due in June and I had my LMP on 6/24. My appt was scheduled for 6/27 but I rescheduled due to still bleeding some. When I started my BCP pack in June the only thing I did different was I did wait about a week to start the new pack because I wanted my start date to be on a Friday instead of Sunday. I'm afraid this may have caused the problem and I got pregnant.

At my dr appt on July 8th I told my dr that I have been having increased facial hair plus I would get dull pains on my left side again. She felt that I may have PCOS and scheduled me an u/s which I had done last week on July 16. It showed that I did have 1 cyst again on my left side so she started me on Spironolactane (sp?) to help with the cyst and the increased facial hair. I started that on THursday July 18 and took it up until yesterday when I took a pg test and it was positive. I have been having some period like cramping since Friday and kept thinking I was fixing to start, especially since my period was due Monday. Well, yesterday I was still having cramping but still no A/F but part of me thought, well theres no way I am pregnant but I better just take a test to be sure. I was honestly floored when it came up Positive and I took another this morning and it was positive as well.

I love my children with all of my heart and it pains me that I am not happy about this pregnancy. Neither is hubby and he wants me to terminate it. I am pro life and just cannot feel that I can do it. I have no idea really how far I am either because my LMP was "different" than normal. Seemed lighter and was more brownish. I called the dr office today and she was out (naturally) so they told me all they could do anyways was to schedule me an appt but it's not for 3 weeks or so (Aug. 13th). I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. DH thinks that we just can't afford it and it's going to take away from our other 2 if we can't provide. We live in a small town so it's not like things stay secret for long. I just can't stop crying. I feel like I should just leave it all up to God and he will take care of us no matter what. I feel like I got pg for a reason and even though things may be hard for the next 5 years or so (mainly because cost of daycare is what we can't afford)...to me....in the end it's worth it...but I know if I go through with what he wants...I will regret it and hate myself forever. Anybody else been in this type of situation? What happened? I keep thinking maybe DH will come around but then there's a part of me that thinks he's going to resent me, although I know if I go through with terminating...I'm going to resent him. In a way I think I am already starting to just for him suggesting it and being practically 100% adamant that's what he wants.

I was 25 when our son was born and DH was 27. We felt happy with the one daughter and one son and that we were done having kids before 30. Maybe not the wisest but being 32 and 34 now, we were just starting to feel we were at a "good" place and were wanting to plan to build a house soon. We live in a d/w mobile home on husband's family land. It's like all the years we struggled and now were at a place financially that we were making ends meet, felt content, and were finally affording some nicer things in life...and now I feel this will turn it all around. IN one way I feel that way and that's why I'm so depressed about this pregnancy....but then again, in my heart I just already feel that it is my flesh and blood!
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  #2  
July 24th, 2013, 02:30 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 848
Quote:
Originally Posted by reereetx View Post
i just can't stop crying. I feel like I should just leave it all up to God and he will take care of us no matter what. I feel like I got pg for a reason and even though things may be hard for the next 5 years or so (mainly because cost of daycare is what we can't afford)...to me....in the end it's worth it...but I know if I go through with what he wants...I will regret it and hate myself forever. Anybody else been in this type of situation? What happened? I keep thinking maybe DH will come around but then there's a part of me that thinks he's going to resent me, although I know if I go through with terminating...I'm going to resent him. In a way I think I am already starting to just for him suggesting it and being practically 100% adamant that's what he wants.
I think it's really clear that you already know what you want -- to add this little son or daughter to your family. I'm so sorry that your husband isn't being supportive right now, but I know you are going to regret it the rest of your life if you end this pregnancy. You have two children who you love so much, do you really think it will be any different this time around even for your husband? In assuming your first daughter was unplanned, but things worked out alright then, and I know they will again now. Give your husband some time, it's hard to have plans changed and derailed. But is a bigger, nicer house worth the price you'll pay? You said yourself you're pro-life-- is a new home and financial stability worth your son or daughter's life? It hurts to even think about it like that! I'm sure it's hard for it to seem real right now to you and your husband. It's hard to get excited about a theoretical baby when your plans are getting 'messed up'-- but remember the joy that this child will bring and the loveliness of a surprise baby to share with your older children.

Our last baby was born after a vasectomy, so you can bet we weren't expecting him! Of course it was a shock, but never for one moment has it been a negative thing to add him to our family -- he is a little treasure for all of us.

Gve your husband some space and some time. You believe this happened for a reason and I think you're right -- rest in that and things will all turn out for good. But absolutely don't let yourself be pressured and bullied into ending this little one's life-- you're the one who will bear the pain of that choice and I truly don't want that to happen to you! Best wishes, big hugs, and keep us posted!! I recommend you join a due date club here on just mommies. The ladies are wonderfully supportive and it's so fun and encouraging.

Also, if there is a crisis pregnancy nearby give them a call. They usually will do a free ultrasound and the you can get a better idea of how far along you are and see that sweet little one for the first time. Keep your head up mama!
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Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.
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  #3  
July 24th, 2013, 02:42 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, TX
Posts: 355
Thank you so much for your reply. What you said is exactly how I feel and so much of what is hurting right now is that I haven't told a soul. I'm very close to my mother and sister and my best friend and it's killing me that I have felt like I can't talk about this with them. I know they would say to keep it and things will work out! I just don't know how long until I crack and it all comes out anyways. It just hurts so bad that my husband feels the way he does. He just bought a very nice new truck and I understand that he is worried he will have to give it up after all the years he worked hard to get what he has. But then again, I feel too that it shouldn't matter and to me...there is no reason that he would HAVE to give it up. I'm very close to getting several things of debt paid off plus I feel that if we both work really hard we can save up quite a bit of money before the baby comes. We both have very good jobs. I also have disability and not 100% sure how that works again, but after I had my son I think I got like $1800 from that which helped to offset some of the days of my maternity that I wasn't paid for.

It's hard and I had no plans for this I know. To me, 10 years down the road I think I'd be happier saying I kept it than saying I didn't. Depending on how far along I am, I am guesstimating that I'm either due the end of Feb (which is close to my bday) or the end of March which is close to DH's bday. How interesting.
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  #4  
July 26th, 2013, 06:42 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 138
My situation is different. Neither of us have good jobs and affording a baby will be next to impossible. But my fiance is adamant about getting an abortion which is something I don't feel like I can handle.

I know that if I get an abortion, I will not only hate him, but myself and everyone else around us. I feel like I will be broken and ruined forever. Ugh. I just don't know.

Good luck with your decision. I know it will be hard.
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  #5  
July 27th, 2013, 02:28 PM
lilmeg's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 306
Don't let the money issue get to you. I still can't believe how little we've spent on things for our kids. My husband unexpectedly lost his job a month before my son was born. You can get used things very reasonably priced. You can borrow things/ clothes from friends and family. If you have a baby shower, that will give you a good start too. Here is an article I just came across today.

How much does a baby really cost?: How I raised my baby for the cost of a cup of coffee a day | LifeSiteNews.com

It's hard when life throws us curve-balls. Sometimes you really don't see how things could possibly work out, but somehow they do. My prayers are with you both.
__________________
Married DH 09/08/06
NTNP two years
BFP 10/12/08- DS born 05/04/09 @ 35 weeks 4 days
BFP 10/23/10 -- partial molar MC
BFP 7/4/11- DD born 2/17/12 @ 37 weeks
BFP 7/20/13 Here we go again!






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  #6  
July 29th, 2013, 12:34 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, TX
Posts: 355
Well, nothing has changed. DH still strongly wants an abortion. I don't. I'm scared of having another child yes, but at the same time...I just don't see how I can end this innocent life that God is giving me for whatever reason. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads and I just want to do right. I am a Christian woman and so to me, this all feels completely wrong but at the same time...a wife is supposed to do as her husband wishes right? DH says he just has a "bad" feeling about it. He says everytime he has had a bad feeling about something and he didn't listen to his gut, something went wrong. Yet I prayed to God to give me a sign as what to do. I feel like I'm getting constant signs now that tells me to have it. Once again I've been crying all day. To me it doesn't matter what decision I make. I will never be happy. DH doesn't think it's fair to take away from the other 2 for this "accident". I'm just so lost and such a mess. I feel like I'll never be happy again. And now my fear is....what if something is wrong. How could I take care of a baby that has special needs or something? DH also fears that because I had to have an emergency c-section with our son because his cord was wrapped around his neck...that this time I may not be so lucky.
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  #7  
July 29th, 2013, 03:52 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 848
I'm so, so sorry you're going through this -- it sounds heartbreaking! I am also a Christian, and I can tell you that absolutely God does not EVER want you to 'go along' with what your husband wants or tells you to do when it is wrong. It's not like he's asking you to move to a house you're not excited about or buy a car you think is too expensive. He's asking you to stop your little child's beating heart because he has a 'bad feeling.' I can assure you that if you refuse, if you stand up for your baby's life and your belief that it is wrong to end that life God WILL bless you in that decision. That is not to say it might not be hard for a while, but I am absolutely certain you will never regret following God in this and not your husband. On the other hand both you and I know that if you go along with him and end this child's life you are going to be miserable.

You've prayed about it, you know what you have to do. It's time to firmly and respectfully tell your husband that you cannot get an abortion no matter how he feels about it. I know that's not easy. Find your friends and family who can be supportive and let them be an encouragement to you during this time.

As an aside, if your husband feels this strongly about it it's really time for him to take ownership and get a vasectomy!

I truly wish you the best, send you lots of hugs, and I'll be praying for your strength, peace, and encouragement. God is bigger than our problems, rest in Him and His faithfulness to those who love Him and keep His commands. Keep us posted!
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Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.
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  #8  
July 30th, 2013, 01:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 1,834
Can you meet with your religious leader and talk with him/her about this? And then bring your husband in on the conversation?

As for your theological quandary, human beings are flawed creatures. We're ruled by our own desires. Your husband clearly does not want another child. He will say or do anything to convince you of this, without any respect for you or your situation. That is not the act of a loving, Christian husband. If he is not making decisions based on the health and happiness of his family, then he is making sinful decisions.
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  #9  
August 5th, 2013, 06:30 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by reereetx View Post
Yet I prayed to God to give me a sign as what to do. I feel like I'm getting constant signs now that tells me to have it. Once again I've been crying all day. To me it doesn't matter what decision I make. I will never be happy. DH doesn't think it's fair to take away from the other 2 for this "accident". I'm just so lost and such a mess. I feel like I'll never be happy again. And now my fear is....what if something is wrong. How could I take care of a baby that has special needs or something? DH also fears that because I had to have an emergency c-section with our son because his cord was wrapped around his neck...that this time I may not be so lucky.

I know the feeling of praying desperately and trying to be open to signs that may come your way with a hint as to what is the right thing to do. I have cried every day since finding out I was pregnant. I feel pressured into going along with what the man in my life wants. But he isn't open to seeing signs or seeing things any way other than what his mind has already been set on. I do love him with all of my heart, but because this turn of events is inconvenient for him he has equated the baby to a mosquito. You are left to stand alone and protect your baby for now and maybe forever. But, is there a better fight worth fighting?
mamatomany likes this.
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  #10  
August 8th, 2013, 06:04 PM
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 16
There is another option... Adoption. Most selfless thing a mother can do for her child. They make them "open" too. Giving your child who can not have one of there own and know your child will be well taken care of.
I was placed for adoption first born and am grateful for it and do not look at my biological parents and are angry with them.
Personally I feel give that child a life. If he does not come around and can not financially support it then find a nice adoption family. I have an amazing relationship with my biological mom. Talk all the time, see each other when we can.
I am truly sorry for having to go through all of this. Is not right he is doing this. Most likely he is just fearful and reacting. If you go through with it, I feel you would regret it. Plenty of people I am close with has had an abortion and regret it to this day.
Good luck and pray. God will show you the answer!
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  #11  
August 9th, 2013, 09:05 AM
Keepin' it real!
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,656
Quote:
Originally Posted by reereetx View Post
Just a bit of history on me. DH and I became parents at very young age. I was 17 and he was 19 when our beautiful daughter was born (she is now 15). We got married so Aug. 1 will be 15 years for us. When we decided it was time for baby #2 I had issues getting pregnant even though I was very regular with cycles and ovulating. Plus being in my early twenties at the time it was so frustrating not knowing why I couldn't get pregnant. In April 2005 I had a cyst removed from my left ovary and showed to have some endometriosis but lo and behold I finally did get pregnant that fall and had our son in June 2006 so he just turned 7. After I had him I went on the pill for a while and then got Mirena in April 2007. I enjoyed having Mirena as far as not having a period! But right after getting it I started getting migraines and had unexplained weight gain. Not much, but 11 lbs in 2 years for no known reason. I wasn't eating more and still exercised. Plus I would have bad pains on my left side and I knew that Mirena was said to cause cysts. So...when it came time to have the Mirena removed or replaced, I chose to remove it to see if some of my "symptoms" didn't go away and I went on Ortho Tri Cyclen (this was July 2012).

Fast forward to now. My yearly physical was due in June and I had my LMP on 6/24. My appt was scheduled for 6/27 but I rescheduled due to still bleeding some. When I started my BCP pack in June the only thing I did different was I did wait about a week to start the new pack because I wanted my start date to be on a Friday instead of Sunday. I'm afraid this may have caused the problem and I got pregnant.

At my dr appt on July 8th I told my dr that I have been having increased facial hair plus I would get dull pains on my left side again. She felt that I may have PCOS and scheduled me an u/s which I had done last week on July 16. It showed that I did have 1 cyst again on my left side so she started me on Spironolactane (sp?) to help with the cyst and the increased facial hair. I started that on THursday July 18 and took it up until yesterday when I took a pg test and it was positive. I have been having some period like cramping since Friday and kept thinking I was fixing to start, especially since my period was due Monday. Well, yesterday I was still having cramping but still no A/F but part of me thought, well theres no way I am pregnant but I better just take a test to be sure. I was honestly floored when it came up Positive and I took another this morning and it was positive as well.

I love my children with all of my heart and it pains me that I am not happy about this pregnancy. Neither is hubby and he wants me to terminate it. I am pro life and just cannot feel that I can do it. I have no idea really how far I am either because my LMP was "different" than normal. Seemed lighter and was more brownish. I called the dr office today and she was out (naturally) so they told me all they could do anyways was to schedule me an appt but it's not for 3 weeks or so (Aug. 13th). I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. DH thinks that we just can't afford it and it's going to take away from our other 2 if we can't provide. We live in a small town so it's not like things stay secret for long. I just can't stop crying. I feel like I should just leave it all up to God and he will take care of us no matter what. I feel like I got pg for a reason and even though things may be hard for the next 5 years or so (mainly because cost of daycare is what we can't afford)...to me....in the end it's worth it...but I know if I go through with what he wants...I will regret it and hate myself forever. Anybody else been in this type of situation? What happened? I keep thinking maybe DH will come around but then there's a part of me that thinks he's going to resent me, although I know if I go through with terminating...I'm going to resent him. In a way I think I am already starting to just for him suggesting it and being practically 100% adamant that's what he wants.

I was 25 when our son was born and DH was 27. We felt happy with the one daughter and one son and that we were done having kids before 30. Maybe not the wisest but being 32 and 34 now, we were just starting to feel we were at a "good" place and were wanting to plan to build a house soon. We live in a d/w mobile home on husband's family land. It's like all the years we struggled and now were at a place financially that we were making ends meet, felt content, and were finally affording some nicer things in life...and now I feel this will turn it all around. IN one way I feel that way and that's why I'm so depressed about this pregnancy....but then again, in my heart I just already feel that it is my flesh and blood!
First, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have not personally experienced this issue, but my really good friend did. She had 2 children and 1 step child and the stepchild was so difficult and was in a lot of trouble and they both agreed NOT to have children and they were done. She tried all kinds of BC and everything made her bleed excessively or very ill so she was placed on a low-dose pill and it failed. Her husband is not very nice to her as it is, but this really made things harder. He told her, INSISTED, she have an abortion. Threatened to leave her if she didn't and she refused. He left for a few weeks and came back and asked her if she would reconsider the abortion. By this time, she's just about 12 weeks and she said NO, she was NOT under ANY circumstances getting an abortion and he could feel free to walk out the door. He did not leave this time and she went through the pregnancy.

He'd say things to her like " you chose this, don't complain" etc. and was not great throughout the pregnancy. But then the baby was born. He was there for the birth and postpartum. They do not have a lot of money either, but they are managing.

My point to this story is this: If you do not believe in abortion, you don't go against your beliefs to appease a human being even if that is your husband. IDK if you believe in God (the majority of pro-lifers do), but if you do, then HE comes 1st, husband 2nd. Hopefully, your husband will come around. For men, though, they are very visual people and would probably need to see the baby before falling in love with him or her.

The other option is adoption. You don't have to have an abortion at all. You just have to decide if you could give your child up for adoption. Me personally, I can't. I was able to handle being a gestational surrogate, so it's not like I haven't given up a child I have birthed, but that child was NOT genetically related to me or my husband. Even having gone through the process of child birth and handing the babies to their parents, I still could not ever give up one of my and my husband's children because it's just not something I could do. But for women who can do so, it's such a selfless act and sometimes, is much better for the child.

IDK your financial situation, but really, NO one is ever fully financially prepared for a child. Just when you think you are, unexpected things creep up on you and take that away, so in spite of what people think, these days only the rich can actually afford a child but the majority of working-class and poor people also find a way to make it. It can be done, and you are right it WILL be hard, but you never know, maybe you have baby and everything is better than you thought! Maybe you can stay home with him so as not to pay daycare and babysit or do an at home job (Iqor, Alpine Access---legitimate at-home jobs). There is always a way and if you choose to keep the baby, then you'll make it work ((((THINKPOSITIVEVIBES)))) and (((((HUGS)))))
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1 Girl 2011 and 1 Boy 2013. Their family is COMPLETE!

Surrogacy # 3 for new family?: 2014??
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  #12  
August 9th, 2013, 09:18 AM
Keepin' it real!
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,656
Quote:
Originally Posted by random567 View Post
My situation is different. Neither of us have good jobs and affording a baby will be next to impossible. But my fiance is adamant about getting an abortion which is something I don't feel like I can handle.

I know that if I get an abortion, I will not only hate him, but myself and everyone else around us. I feel like I will be broken and ruined forever. Ugh. I just don't know.

Good luck with your decision. I know it will be hard.
Then you don't do it. DO NOT do it. You are right. You will hate him and he is only your fiance right now!

There is ALWAYS a way to provide for baby.
__________________
Lynn
Mom to many



1 Girl 2011 and 1 Boy 2013. Their family is COMPLETE!

Surrogacy # 3 for new family?: 2014??
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  #13  
November 21st, 2013, 01:39 AM
Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 4
I am in the same boat but my kids are 4 and 3... but will be 5 and starting school and 4 and 4 days at kindy by the time baby arrives. My partner is just being cruel and nasty saying im a bad mum and I dont love the kids we have if I have this one... I know I cant have an abortion but I am scared I may be pushed into it... we had always discussed a 3rd child then getting my tubes done and I still will if I have the baby with or without him... im just lost... I hope your sitiation gets better soon
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