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Future In-Law :(


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
July 26th, 2013, 06:37 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 138
So my LMP started on 6/16 and because I am on the pill the next should have started 7/14, by Tuesday I knew I was pregnant. Didn't miss a pill or take them late or anything, but by the third day I knew because I have never been that late while on this birth control in the last six years I've been taking it. I took two pregnancy tests on wednesday night and two more thursday morning and all were positive. I called planned parenthood to see if they could bring me in to verify, and she told me at this time there was no point, that if I took four tests that were all positive, I was pregnant. Oops.

At little about our relationship: I moved to his house last October then my fiance and I got engaged over Christmas and things was been a little rocky lately. Not rocky like we are going to fall apart, but rocky distant because I traveled alot during the spring and have been busy with summer courses to finish my bachelors degree. He has a previous Oops with his ex-wife (they didn't get married until accidentally pregnant) who is now 10 and is a great kid but who has been very troubled recently. The ex-wife (they've been split for 6 to 7 years) is pregnant (seemingly Oops) and right before she announced she ran off and married the long term abusive boyfriend. The son is obviously struggling with this.

Tuesday I told the fiance I was worried, and he came across very unconcerned which upset me. Wednesday night (never before have I even worried I was pregnant) I went by myself and bought pregnancy tests, I took them without telling him and when they came up positive I went into our room are cried. I felt like I had no options, we don't have any money, I have no job and my student health insurance expires at the end of July. He continued talking to our roommate (an army guy and said best friend) and after a bit came and checked on me, asking "What my problem was." Well, then he saw the tests and became very angry. He has accused me multiple times of doing this on purpose which I feel is just a way to drive a wall between us and put me on one side and him on the other. I can't see why I (the one with no children and unsure if I want any) would give up my freedom and hobbies to do this on purpose. The first night all I could think about was when I would get it terminated. Then he went outside with the roommate and drank heavily only coming to bed much later and reeking of alcohol.

The next day, we talked and he told me he wanted to talk to his mother about the situation. I didn't like bringing more people into what I believe is a private problem, but I wanted him to have the support he needs if he feels like I can't give it to him. So, in light of the knowledge that his mom is sure to be told soon, I called and told my mother and got an overwhelming positive response. So much so that me having to tell her that we were talking about abortion made me feel awful. I also told my best friend at this point. I also confessed my fears that the fiance's mother who was very pro-life was going to be very mean and angry.

I guess I will try and hurry the telling here. At the urging of my fiance I thought more and more and the baby and how this is all a huge decision and "not just a pimple" to get rid of. By Friday he has decided that abortion is the way we must go even though he has told me in the past he would never support abortion. At this point I am now confused and lost and don't know what I want. Finally after much soul searching I decide that abortion just isn't something I can do. We are in our mid-twenties and I feel like if he wanted to we could make this work. Just because this pregnancy, this blessing, is inconvenient and ill-timed and unplanned does not seem like a good enough reason to abort it. He became raging mad. Yelling, stomping, throwing things and we fought for hours. He has never showed a temper like this. Well, it ended in me crying and giving up. I told him I would just do whatever he wants (these words came from him saying that I was treating this like it was only my choice and he had no say). I now feel lower than the scum on the bottom of the barrel, I can not stand up for myself or our child. He says he doesn't regret having his son (unplanned) but now wants to get rid of ours? I know that I will hate myself, him and his son forever. I know that our relationship will not make it past this abortion. I just cry alot now.

The future in-law. If this whole situation was not hard enough on its own, enter the horrible awful selfish mother-in-law. She (pro-choice) is upset that this is happening to her son again, after everything he has done to prevent it (hello, he didn't get snipped or use double protection, or even help pay for my birth control, in fact I am pretty sure he hasn't done **** to prevent a baby). she laments his dreams and life that will be lost if we have this baby. She told be that their family would not be able to stand by if I chose adoption (which I have thought about but really don't think I can go through with) and that I should have an abortion (even though when she became accidentally pregnant she chose to give birth which is where my fiance came from). She also has said that me getting an abortion so that we can continue to follow our dreams isn't selfish. I feel like this is the most selfish reason of all time, other than maybe having an abortion because of not wanting to get fat or something. I can empathize better with someone terminating because they can not provide a good quality of life for the baby (which is how the fiance feels) but at the same time I feel like even a poor (money wise) quality of life is better than no life. And if that is really the case than should adoption be out of the question?

Last night, I saw a text on his phone from his mother (only looking at his phone because he asked me to see who texted and it had been his mother). The fiance and I had some small recognition come our way from a hobby with both participate in and his mother texted to say "It's a reminder to get this taken care of so you can BOTH continue with you dreams." I want to punch her in the face and never speak to her again. She presents herself as this devout Christian and then she can say stuff like that? What is WRONG with this woman?! I will never understand.

I know more than anything I am mad at him and her is just a bi-product. But ironically, planned parenthood told him yesterday that he cannot make an appointment for termination, that I have too. He isn't aware that I know this yet, but I can not see myself making this appointment. I may not want a baby, I may have never been sure if I ever wanted children, but I know that now this blessing is here, I can not turn my back on it. I can not see the heartbeat and just go through with killing it. At the same time, I have no idea how to do this on my own.
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  #2  
July 26th, 2013, 08:06 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 834
I am so, so sorry you're dealing with all this stress and the horrible behavior of your fiancé and his mother. It's truly awful and heartbreaking. What I know is that every mama on here will tell you the same thing. This is *your*baby, and giving into the emotional manipulation and bullying of others will end in heartbreak for you. I think by what you've said that you already realize this. Your fiancé has no right to treat you this way, and if this is his true personality coming out then you're better off without him. He has no right to demand that you end this baby's life. Their is no 'perfect' time to have a baby, and this tiny son or daughter growing inside you is no less precious just because it came before he was 'ready.' Giving into his bullying will leave you with guilt and heartache, and him free of responsiblity.

If it's possible in your situation, I would go stay with family or friends who are 100% supportive of you. Give your fiancé some space and time, since it's possible he's just overwhelmed with the news and might come around. Give yourself a chance to breath and be stress free and enjoy these first few weeks of your pregnancy without the burden of having to defend yourself for wanting to be a mama. Surround yourself right now with people who honestly support you and your choice to love this child.

I also encourage you to join a due date club here on just mommies. It's fun and encouraging to be in a group with other ladies due the same month and they are supportive and excited for you.

Please keep us posted! Best wishes and I know this little baby is going to be a source of overwhelming joy for you, push on through this tough time!
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Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.
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  #3  
August 5th, 2013, 06:18 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 138
Update: So I was pushed into going to the abortion clinic. Not forced, but the fiance would act horribly every time I talk about not being able to do it. On Saturday, we were at the clinic and I filled out all the paperwork and have an ultrasound and find out that I am 7 weeks and 1 day. The appointment comes to the time when I am suppose to go back and take the pill and I find out that they will not allow him to come with me. At this point I freak out because I expected that he would be able to be with me when I took this pill because he is the reason I am taking it.

So as I am having my freak out (I do have to note through this day, the fiance has been very supportive because I am going along with what he wants.), the fiance takes me outside and gets me calmed down. After around five minutes we go back inside and I am ready to tell her that I am going to have the abortion. As I tell her this, the lady then tells me, "I am sorry but we are going to have to reschedule you." I am in complete shock, she had told us that we had ten minutes to decide, but apparently the doctor moved on to the surgical abortions and they could no longer see me that day. Fiance was beyond upset.

I had already made another appointment for this morning that was closer to my mom's house because I went through a period when I was going to get an abortion but didn't want fiance there at all. Last night after many long talks that involved fiance going through the fact that he doesn't want a baby and my mother being absolutely amazing and tell me that she thinks she must have bought a house that is too big for a reason and that the basement is mine any time I want it. I told him last night that I was canceling my appointment for today and that I was going to keep the baby. I was also clear in telling him that I will leave if he wants, (I don't really want to, but I want what is best for the baby) but if I leave I will not come back.

I know he is scared, and so am I. I hate the way he has to be so ugly and talk about me ruining his life. I just, I can't sit down and be passive about this. No one else is going to protect our baby, so I need too. I have to believe the way things went at the clinic of Saturday was a sign. I just hope this is the right thing to do. I hope he can let go of his anger and love the baby. I hope I can make this all work. I am not ready to be happy yet, but knowing I am protecting our baby has given me some measure of calm and drive. Today I am going to try and go get information about medicaid and that in itself it scary.

Wish me luck.
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  #4  
August 5th, 2013, 08:18 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 834
Your last paragraph was really beautiful. It's so wonderful that you found the strength to stick up for your unborn baby and grab on to what you believe you need to do. I'm so glad your mom is being so kind and supportive and it's really great that you have a place to go if your fiancé decides he wants you to move out.

I know you're scared and don't feel excited, but I can promise you that you will NEVER regret this decision. Your sweet baby will bring you such crazy joy that's impossible to imagine. I too believe that you were given a second chance through the series of events at the clinic and I know that you will always look back at that second chance with thankfulness when this little one is in your heart and arms.

I hope your fiancé will come around and love this new life as sacrificially as you do now. In the meantime keep close to those who truly support you and your baby and let yourself begin to enjoy this time and get excited about your sweet son or daughter. Thanks so much for letting us know how things went. I'm praying for you, keep us updated!
smeden14 and ducksaresnazzy like this.
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Brooke, happy mama to one girl (9), and four boys (7, 5, 3, and 2) and a surprise post-vasectomy miracle baby born February 7.
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