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unplanned pregnancy with an unsupportive baby daddy


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 1 Post By UncetainMommy
  • 1 Post By ducksaresnazzy
  • 1 Post By micaela90

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  #1  
August 24th, 2013, 11:30 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
Hello Everyone,


My name is Micaela and I am a 23 year old full time student. I currently still live at home and just found out that I am 9-11 weeks pregnant. The father of my child is my ex-boyfriend of three years who I have had a very complicated off-and-on relationship with. A brief history of our relationship is that he was my brother's best friend and I fell in love with him. He was my first real boyfriend, my first love, my first ... EVERYTHING. Our relationship has always been quite tumultuous since after the first few blissful months. After which I saw the extent of his addiction to video games and social media. I was concerned but was so in love with him. After about the first year and a half I found out that he had cheated on me. Over the course of our three year long relationship I continued to worship him and believed he was capable of change. Even after he continued to cheat on me relentlessly with the same woman, I always took him back after he dumped me.

Flash forward to a couple of months ago. I have realized and understood that he is no good for me. He has made me compromise myself and my beliefs and has damaged me beyond repair with his indiscretions. I was slowly ridding myself of him (obviously I was not as strong willed as I would like to admit), when I found out that I was pregnant. For several weeks I had been feeling the classic symptoms of pregnancy such as fatigue, nausea, and breast tenderness and even took two pregnancy tests that showed negative results. After my symptoms worsened I visited my doctor who confirmed the fact that I was pregnant. I told my friends and family who have all been incredibly supportive of me. I realize how blessed and fortunate I am to have a home in which I am surrounded by my beautiful and compassionate family, with a great circle of friends who also love and support me.

Despite the fact that my pregnancy was unplanned I am utterly thrilled and absolutely over the moon with happiness (thank you hormones!). But even with my family and friend's love and support I am devastated that my ex boyfriend has been completely unsupportive. After I told him I was pregnant, he ignored me for two days and then asked to speak with me. When we met to talk, the first thing he told me was, "You need to get rid of it". I was absolutely disgusted and filled with loathing. I understand that my pregnancy is and was shocking news, but the thought of having an abortion hadn't even crossed my mind. Since that day he has stopped urging me to get an abortion, but now he has begun to actively ignore me and has also started drinking very often. I realize that everyone must cope and deal with this news in their own way, but it absolutely devastates me that he doesn't care at all.

I know that because we are not together I should not expect much from him. But after three years together, I figured he might at least be a LITTLE bit supportive. He never reaches out to me, and when I try to ask him to meet with me to speak briefly he always blows me off saying that he is playing video games with friends and drinking. The only time he ever talks to me is when he is at work (he has a great job at a hospital), and even then he only texts me or calls me to tell me that a couple months after the baby is born, I need to get a job immediately. He's also told me that after I give birth I need to start working out right away so that I lose the baby weight quickly. He is not and has not been a good friend, boyfriend, or lover to me by any means so by now I know that I should not expect much from him at all. He is incredibly juvenile and selfish. His lack of support and cruel words makes me feel so alone.

I want him to want to be a part of this child's life. The thing that most concerns me is that he will abandon me during my pregnancy, but once the baby is born, he will want to have a very active role in the child's life. And by active, I mean drop the baby off at his mom's house. His mom is extremely controlling and has never liked me. She has always wanted him to be with the girl he cheated on me with because they all attend the same church. I am worried that his mother will try to be another mom to my child and will bring my baby to the church where the girl my ex cheated on me with still attends with her family.

I've always felt that God put me on this earth to be a mother. I have always loved nurturing others and being surrounded by children. Finding out that I am pregnant has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Despite the pregnancy being unplanned, I cannot wait to shower this little baby of mine with unending love! I cannot wait to hold this child and kiss and cuddle with her/him. I am just worried because every time that I talk to my ex he upsets me and makes me feel so alone in this pregnancy. I realize that he is still coping with the news and he assures me that he is very stressed. But his lack of support and selfishness stress ME out! And then I vent my frustrations to him, which in turn add to his reasons that he must "de-stress" with non-stop video games and alcohol.

I understand that we are no longer in a relationship. I do NOT want to be in a relationship with him ever again because he is an absolute moron (this is probably the nicest way to put it). But I would like to know that he is at least a little concerned. So far he has continued to be the same selfish person he has always been (too bad I only noticed after I got pregnant!!!!) I guess the point of this post is 1) to give myself a bit of an opportunity to vent and 2) to ask for advice on how I should proceed with future dealings with my ex.

So far my ex has not expressed any interest in me, the baby, or any of our needs since I told him that I was pregnant. He no longer is advising me to have an abortion, but I am still frustrated because despite the fact that we occasionally converse via text, it is usually an excuse for him to tell me about a sandwich he ate for lunch or a t.v. show he just watched with his friends. Every time I talk to him I feel stressed out and upset. I usually cry because conversations always lead to him demanding me to get a job shortly after I give birth. And because he wants me to work while I leave my baby with his mother (as I may have stated earlier.... I DO NOT TRUST OR RESPECT HER, as she has always disapproved of me and tried to separate us whilst pushing him together with that girl from their church). I don't know how to ensure that my conversations with him will not upset me. Should I stop talking to him entirely? Should I continue talking to him despite the stress and tension between us and give him information on my pregnancy i.e. doctor appointments, even though thus far he has not cared at all?

He says that when the baby is here he will be a good father. He lives in a total bachelor pad apartment in a converted water tower that is three stories tall with inconvenient and unsafe stairs. The kitchen and bathroom are on the bottom floor, the living room is on the second floor, and his bedroom is on the third floor. Each floor is probably 8'x8'. Not only is his home an absolute hazard for a baby, but he is constantly having friends over until the early morning hours playing video games and drinking alcohol. I am absolutely petrified that he will not change but will continue to be entirely selfish and irresponsible. I am also quite scared that he will pawn our child off on his insane mother. I am a step away from going to t-mobile and having them block his phone number.

Sorry for the length of this post. I realize I still have so much to be grateful for. I hope that I do not sound like too much of a brat. I am just feeling so frustrated and alone. And since my ex is partying in Lake Tahoe right now despite him telling me he had no money after I asked him to help me purchase a crib, I decided to vent in this post. God bless you all!

-Micaela
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  #2  
August 25th, 2013, 08:52 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 539
If you really think his place is an unsafe environment for the baby then you might want to look into getting a court order for visitation rights only. Start now by documenting everything with him.

As for his urging you to leave the baby with his mom while you work, and telling you to get a job. He's no longer with you, he has no right to tell you how to live your life. Also, with friends and family as supportive as you say they are, I'm sure you'll have no shortage of people to leave the baby with while you work. Maybe talk with whoever you're staying with or who you might want to leave the baby with about when the best time to start looking for work might be. It's their business, not the ex's.

I'm not sure you can totally de-stress your communications with him, but you can help setting some rules and guidelines for the text messages, and cutting off the conversations when all pertinent information has been exchanged.

You'll have to build up your will power by the sound of it. Good luck it can be hard.

Good luck with the pregnancy, and the baby on the way. They can be such a joy.
micaela90 likes this.
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  #3  
August 25th, 2013, 12:22 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 2,372
my boyfriend and i dated for two years before i got pregnant. he's a huge gamer also, and hangs out with his friends all the time to lan and drink. it was a problem for us, so i ended things, but we got back together. a month later i was expecting. his gaming habits haven't stopped but he's taken steps to prove to me that he is going to be more attentive and available.

this boy of yours has done nothing. i would stop trying to contact him. i would tell him about big milestones, like the gender or anything going wrong, but other than that, forget him. he's a sperm donor, not a father. if he wants to step up later and be the man he should be now, that's a different story. but right now, you need to surround yourself with positivity. yes, it'll be hard. but this isn't just for you: if he's in and out of your life, he will most likely never be a stable fixture in your child's life either. if he does want to see the baby, offer to meet him at a neutral location so the three of you- you, him, baby- can do something. explain to him you don't trust him, and that to get visits alone, he has to earn your trust. he doesn't sound like the type who'd go to court to win visitation, but i do agree with documenting the mother's actions in case she pulls something like that.

as for the get a job/ lose weight comments, WHO does he think he is? that's appalling. as if dealing with scummy exes and trying to be a decent single mother isn't going to be hard enough, he also expects you to keep in shape because he said so? i could almost see him asking that if you dating, but demanding while he's dating someone else? i have no advice here, just shock.

if you ever need anyone to vent to, i'm also a young mother dealing with a huge gamer of a baby daddy. i hope your situation improves; it will get better.
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  #4  
August 25th, 2013, 04:31 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncetainMommy View Post
If you really think his place is an unsafe environment for the baby then you might want to look into getting a court order for visitation rights only. Start now by documenting everything with him.

As for his urging you to leave the baby with his mom while you work, and telling you to get a job. He's no longer with you, he has no right to tell you how to live your life. Also, with friends and family as supportive as you say they are, I'm sure you'll have no shortage of people to leave the baby with while you work. Maybe talk with whoever you're staying with or who you might want to leave the baby with about when the best time to start looking for work might be. It's their business, not the ex's.

I'm not sure you can totally de-stress your communications with him, but you can help setting some rules and guidelines for the text messages, and cutting off the conversations when all pertinent information has been exchanged.

You'll have to build up your will power by the sound of it. Good luck it can be hard.

Good luck with the pregnancy, and the baby on the way. They can be such a joy.
Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate your advice. You are right. I definitely need to work on building up my will power. As you said it has indeed proven to be quite difficult. It is hard for me to find the balance between having at least some negative interactions with him via text and phone rather than just cutting him out completely, at this point it almost seems impossible to communicate appropriately with him because he is just so distant and unsupportive of me. Once again, thank you.
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  #5  
August 25th, 2013, 04:50 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by ducksaresnazzy View Post
my boyfriend and i dated for two years before i got pregnant. he's a huge gamer also, and hangs out with his friends all the time to lan and drink. it was a problem for us, so i ended things, but we got back together. a month later i was expecting. his gaming habits haven't stopped but he's taken steps to prove to me that he is going to be more attentive and available.

this boy of yours has done nothing. i would stop trying to contact him. i would tell him about big milestones, like the gender or anything going wrong, but other than that, forget him. he's a sperm donor, not a father. if he wants to step up later and be the man he should be now, that's a different story. but right now, you need to surround yourself with positivity. yes, it'll be hard. but this isn't just for you: if he's in and out of your life, he will most likely never be a stable fixture in your child's life either. if he does want to see the baby, offer to meet him at a neutral location so the three of you- you, him, baby- can do something. explain to him you don't trust him, and that to get visits alone, he has to earn your trust. he doesn't sound like the type who'd go to court to win visitation, but i do agree with documenting the mother's actions in case she pulls something like that.

as for the get a job/ lose weight comments, WHO does he think he is? that's appalling. as if dealing with scummy exes and trying to be a decent single mother isn't going to be hard enough, he also expects you to keep in shape because he said so? i could almost see him asking that if you dating, but demanding while he's dating someone else? i have no advice here, just shock.

if you ever need anyone to vent to, i'm also a young mother dealing with a huge gamer of a baby daddy. i hope your situation improves; it will get better.
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for responding to my post. Dating someone who is a gamer is one of the most frustrating things imaginable. I am glad to know that I am not alone in the struggle. I feel like nothing is ever as important to him as video games. His video game addiction was one of the major reasons that our relationship was so rocky. I was hoping that after he got his new career and after hearing the news that I am pregnant, he might be more supportive. Instead I have noticed that he has become even more involved with his video games and has began drinking more often (I didn't even think that was possible). Over the three years that I have known him he has not evolved or matured in any way. With the exception of his new career he has remained as self-centered and as obsessed with video games as ever. I really appreciate your supportive post. I appreciate it more than you will know. In an update, I texted him a picture of my growing baby bump last night. He texted me back this afternoon simply saying "hella titty's" I am so appalled and disgusted. I am beyond frustrated. The fact that he is such an immature loser is really upsetting me. I am having a baby with a complete moron. Thank you for advising me to document things including his unsafe home environment. You are so right. I must limit my contact with him. No good will come from maintaining this relationship with him. He told me not to doubt his fathering abilities... but he doesn't realize that i need his support NOW, not just once the baby is born.
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