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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 2 Post By dingdong
  • 2 Post By MerinSun

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  #1  
November 2nd, 2013, 10:13 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend (also no previous children) and I have been together for almost a year and have had a pretty rocky relationship. Most of the issues stemmed from my insecurities and his way of dealing with anger. The problem became almost cyclical. He would get angry, leave and then I would question where I stood with him. This would make him more angry and distant, and me more insecure. We broke up in June (his decision) and the breakup was pretty nasty. We were living together when we broke up (we moved in together really quickly). We reconciled about a month later, both committing to work on our relationship. I requested that we not live together anymore, in an attempt to take things slow and help me build my trust for him. Well unexpectedly, we conceived our son the week we got back together. We were not planning on getting pregnant. I was switching BC brands because my previous one made me ill so I wasn't taking any daily pill. We were taking other precautions, but we had an accident. I took a Plan B, but baby boy had other intentions. I was pretty much devastated when I found out because the timing was so terrible.

Well since I've been pregnant, I've been all over the place. Whenever I get mad, upset, hurt, I question his love for me and if he really wants to be with me, especially after the breakup in June. He tries to avoid arguing with me by ignoring or avoiding me, as to not get too angry with me, but that just makes me feel like he really doesn't care and escalates the issue. I get so upset that I question his fidelity or breakup with him. I've broken up with him quite a few times during the pregnancy, but never for more than a couple hours. I usually calm down, realize how stupid and irrational I've been acting, and apologize. During one of the bouts of anger, I threatened to not give our child (we didn't know girl or boy at the time) his last name and said that hopefully I will one day find another relationship and that man can adopt our child. I apologized the same day because I knew that was low and was very childish of me. I never would have actually done it, I guess at the time I was using it as an ideal threat to elicit some sort of response from him. Even my best friend of 13 years told him that, yes, I was wrong, but that is not my personality to do something like that. I try to explain to him that I think it is all hormones, but he doesn't necessarily agree, because I had some of these issues before conceiving.

We are trying to work on things in our relationship because we both want to get married and raise our son as a family unit (or so I thought). We started going to a counselor a couple weeks ago. He doesn't really want to go to counseling, but goes because I think it will help. His lease is up in Feb and he was planning on moving back in with me then (our son is due in March). Well this week, because of all the breakups (last one was two weeks ago), he tells me that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to move in together. He says that he doesn't feel stable in our relationship right now. This made me feel insecure and I asked him if he really wanted to be with me. This sparked an argument and us not seeing each other for a week.

Well last night, we went on a date. I told him that I had changed my benefits at work during open enrollment to better insurance to help with some of the birth costs. I also mentioned the dependent care flexible savings account that we could enroll in once baby boy is born. He tells me at this time that he thinks we need a parenting agreement. That he would like to have split custody of our son (i.e. 2 weeks a month). It was out of the blue and I am devastated. I feel like he is planning for our relationship to fail. When I asked him if he wants this agreement because he doesn't trust me to allow him to see his son, he said yes and that it was due to my behavior (breaking up with him when I am mad) and my comment about his last name. I told him that I would give him what he wants, but was deeply hurt by the fact that he wants it.

Please give me some advice. I love this man and I want our relationship to work. We didn't get anytime to work on our relationship like we wanted before conceiving.

Background on us: I am 29. He is my first real relationship. He is same age and recently divorced after a 1 year marriage.
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  #2  
November 3rd, 2013, 08:08 AM
Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
Hey gorgeous girl,
I have never logged on to one of these forums before but I know I can help you so I joined up

I am a bit like u and have broken up with guys when it was perhaps a silly thing to do. I'll try to make this a quick summary of what you should do. You need to make your own life to show your guy that you are a 'catch'...women so often make their whole life about their man...I have been so guilty of this too. Make plans with friends, learn to love you. Tell him he could be right about the parenting plan and that you will think about it (even though it's not what you want in ur heart).

You need to bring the 'chase' back by building a happy life for you. My friend said to be happy people need 3 things...1. Something they love doing 2.someone or something to love (u already have bub) and 3. Something to look forward to.

I recently recommended a book to my friend...it's called 'why men love *****es' ...I know it's an odd title but it is a brilliant book and it explains that men respect and live a girl who has her own plans and is happy with/without him. You can win him back and fix yourself and the relationship. Also, stop negative thoughts as soon as they pop into ur head...I call them shark thoughts haha (i'm a teacher) i tell the kids in the class to only let dolphin thoughts in ...

I'm expecting my 1st bub in Jan. It was also a BIG surprise.

You are a smart girl. I can tell. You will be great soon.

joelene

You will get through this and u

The book is Why men love 'female dogs' the b word...just about not always being available for men when they want to see us...self respect+own life=curious chasing man
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  #3  
November 3rd, 2013, 02:54 PM
My kid kicks butt
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northwest USA
Posts: 65
Honestly, I think it would be smart to read the warning signs. You two are already very rocky, and having a new baby is possibly one of the most stressful things anyone will ever go through. With the state of your relationship as it is already, I think getting married might be a really bad decision, because then you really would be "stuck" if it gets worse. I completely understand wanting to be a family unit, but wouldn't it be better to be a happy family unit? My advice would be to wait for the baby to come, give it some time, see how you two interact and then go from there.
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  #4  
November 4th, 2013, 05:11 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 1,834
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingdong View Post
Honestly, I think it would be smart to read the warning signs. You two are already very rocky, and having a new baby is possibly one of the most stressful things anyone will ever go through. With the state of your relationship as it is already, I think getting married might be a really bad decision, because then you really would be "stuck" if it gets worse. I completely understand wanting to be a family unit, but wouldn't it be better to be a happy family unit? My advice would be to wait for the baby to come, give it some time, see how you two interact and then go from there.
I agree with this. It's admirable that you want to create a stable family unit but I think, based on what you are saying, that the more stable option would be to not force a relationship. I would meet with your counselor and talk specifically about custody rights. You need to think about whether you are going to breastfeed or not now as that will affect who gets custody when the baby is born. I think switching off every 2 weeks is a bit hectic, especially for a newborn who needs predictability and security. I think it is much more realistic for one of you to have full custody until at least 6 months with regular visiting rights for the other person and then after that somebody gets during the weeks and somebody gets weekends. I would also meet with a counselor for yourself to help you with this transition. It's going to be tough no matter what you do so a little bit of compassionate guidance can help ease the load Good luck!
mamatomany and Lyndsey2013 like this.
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  #5  
November 4th, 2013, 06:22 PM
Ali and Jillybeans mom :)
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hemlock, NY
Posts: 1,663
I have been in your shoes. I tried to make it work but it didn't. If you fight a lot now it's only gonna get worse when your son comes. It's probably best to try to parent your son separately. You wouldn't want him growing up around you two fighting. Save yourself the fighting and pain and just go your separate ways. Your son can still have two parents who love him and care for him. I can tell you from experience it works out just fine. You wouldn't want him to grow up and see you in an unhappy marriage that you only got into because of him. That would make him feel extremely guilty.
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  #6  
November 19th, 2013, 04:08 PM
Regular
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 66
I got divorced when my youngest was 6 months - I was breastfeeding. Her father and I decided it was in HER best interest to stay with me until she weaned off the breast. At that point he only took her 2 separate nights a week while she adjusted (and he adjusted) and then we made an arrangement that made it so that she never went longer than 48 hours without seeing each one of us. When she got to about the 3rd grade we switched to week on and week off - and we still do that (she's in 7th grade). It is a sacrifice to arrange your schedule to accommodate the 48 hour rule but the most important thing here is the child - make sure you remind him of that. He does have a right to a relationship with his son - and your son has the right to have a real relationship with his father no matter how you feel about him.

Aside from that - see if you can get him to agree to put off making any life altering decisions until a few months after the baby is born. Everyone's emotions are running high right now (including his) and it's never a good idea to make permanent decisions when that's the case.

Everything will work out the way its supposed to - it always does, even if we don't recognize it at the time.

Congratulations on a healthy baby!
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