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Pregnant, and unable to support ourselves.


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
December 21st, 2013, 02:01 PM
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Location: Ohio
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My fiance and I found out that I'm pregnant just a couple of weeks ago. I am a senior in college working on a rigorous research study and trying to get my last few credits in, all the while battling severe anxiety and struggling to get things done. My fiance has been out of a job for months... here is the story in short:

In June, I was hit by a car and took some injuries to a leg. I was off work for several weeks, and I had no one to care for me but my fiance. Jeramy lost his job in that span of time because somehow his boss couldn't justify him spending all that time off of work to make sure I was fed and taken care of. I couldn't do ANYTHING on my own. Some time passed and I continued working on light duty. When classes started in the fall, my anxiety issues kicked in full force and I made the difficult decision to leave my job. Jeramy had found a job that promised him 40 hours a week, and several weeks later the manager admitted to him that they would've said anything to get him in there - none of their workers were willing to open, and they took advantage of Jeramy. Had him come in for two or three hours in the morning and sent him home. He finally left and continued pursuing other jobs. He hasn't had any luck, even though he's trained in several fields... Now, we've recently received an eviction notice because we're so behind in all of our bills. We may have a new home lined up, but we haven't heard for certain yet and we don't have any family or friends who are able to accommodate us, even for a short time.

We have NO time to prepare, no money to speak of and are in incredible debt already. We've discussed it several times, and as much as we would love to start a family, now just isn't the right time. In January we are going to terminate the pregnancy and try to pick ourselves up from all of this. We can't justify bringing a child into the picture when we couldn't give one the very best - we would just be sliding by, and no child deserves that just because we can't bear to make such a difficult decision.

I suppose I just wanted to share my story and hear from others in a similar situation or who have experienced this and made the same decision for similar reasons. We are heartbroken, but we are firm in our belief that our child deserves only the best, which we can't give.
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  #2  
December 21st, 2013, 02:42 PM
Rainbow Momma's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Kansa City, MO
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Im so sorry you're going through all of this I was in a somewhat similar situation where i was faced with an unplanned pregnancy and no means of supporting the baby what so ever ( i couldnt even drive!). I ended up placing the baby for adoption and it was honestly the best decision i have ever made, on of the hardest, but best.

Now of course you can chose what you want to do but have you considered adoption? There are many loving family's who would love that baby unconditionally.

If you want to terminate i understad if thats the right choice for you but i just want you to know there are other options
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  #3  
December 21st, 2013, 04:13 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i'm very, very sorry you're having to go through this, especially since you've been through so much already and mentioned you have no support there with you (other than Jeramy). i have no advice (i just had an unplanned baby girl, long story short, i was seventeen when i found out and even though i'd already chose to keep her, my mother forbid me an abortion anyway) because i've never been in this situation, and i think it's best if we don't talk about what we don't know. but i would like to urge you to keep talking, and not bottle any of your feelings or thoughts inside. this is a very difficult situation you're in and i do think you did the right thing by coming here for support.
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  #4  
December 22nd, 2013, 10:01 AM
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I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time I just wanted to address one thing that you said "my baby deserves only the very best" Honey, no one, no matter the situation can guarantee that. We all want the best for our children but the truth it, we're not perfect and life isn't either. I have a home, cars, my husband is well employed, but if he were to be fired tomorrow we'd be living in a homeless shelter within a couple weeks. Similarly, in 8 months from now you can both be gainfully employed and safely housed. Babies don't need very much. If you breastfeed and cloth diaper your monthly additional expenses will be near zero. WIC can help and you can apply for income adjusted housing. There are also insurance programs and anything that is your responsibility to pay can be paid on a payment plan (no interest).

A life time is a long time for both you and any baby. I don't think it's logical to base such an important decision on a temporary situation. And this IS temporary.
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  #5  
December 23rd, 2013, 09:43 AM
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Thank you all for your stories and input - I really, really do appreciate it.

We both understand that this situation for us is very temporary... our major concern here is that by the time the baby would be here, we'll have had little time to plan. I only graduate in May, and that doesn't give me any time to get into a job in my field and start working long enough to be afforded time off for a baby. We can't support ourselves on my fiance's income alone, and we have no way of paying off our debts until we are both working. The other issue is that yes, we could apply for government help and many other things, but we don't want to have to do that to get by. We don't want to rely on this or that service to be just getting by and making it work. We want to have had plenty of time to set money aside and have a stable home with stable jobs for both of us so we can do everything we need to do for a baby on our own and still have some left over. In order for me to be employed by the time the baby would come, I would need to put a stop to my education, which isn't an option. There just isn't enough time for me to graduate in May and get into a job. No one would hire me knowing that I would have to take months off shortly after starting.

He and I continue to talk about it whenever either of us feels the need to express our feelings. We want to be able to have a baby, someday, but this just doesn't feel like the right time for us. We're barely holding ourselves together as it is, let alone shaking things up with a child and bringing him/her into this situation.
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  #6  
December 23rd, 2013, 01:14 PM
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Location: San Diego, CA
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Honey I feel for you, truly. We too were in a similar situation years ago. We had to pack up and live in a dingy hotel room (nothing but drug users and hookers ran the place) and with my oldest daughter at the time.

We hung in there and slowly but surely got out to a better living situation, thanks to my husband working so hard and taking anything he could to get income.

YOU WILL GET PAST THIS! Keep the faith. I believe that we are all meant to go through hard times to get to the other, more brighter side of things in life

- Angie

Also, to help with income consider doing something online since you do have access to a computer. It can be anything.

I earn money from my personal website. You can also sell stuff on E-bay for other people, or if you can spare a couple of hours a day you can work for other sources that need virtual assistants and such.

- Angie
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  #7  
December 24th, 2013, 09:15 PM
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Have you thought about applying for jobs in your field now? Many places will accept applications from people who have yet to graduate as long as you submit a transcript and a letter showing your expected graduation date. There are also jobs that will allow you to intern for pay around your classes. If you do decide to continue the pregnancy you can also apply for jobs, be frank about your condition and explain how you will handle your absence, you would be surprised by how understanding and helpful employers can be about things like this. Employers like planners and people who are dependable and accept personal responsibility, they'll see it as a sign of strength that you're considering the needs of the company when applying. It's better for them to hire someone like you (and take the leave of absence) than get someone who is undependable.

I understand not wanting to get government assistance, but it is also a temporary thing. And it's not accepting a handout. Portions of any paycheck you have received go into these government programs. You've paid into it. It is your money. Needing a little bit of help to land on your feet and take off running is how it is supposed to work, and it sounds like you wouldn't need it for long at all. As I said, my husband and I planned our family (well, our second son was s surprise, lol) but we wouldn't be able to sustain ourselves for long without assistance if he lost his job suddenly. If you're waiting to be in the most perfect and ideal situation ($10k in the bank, cars paid off, $20,000 down payment on the house, no student loans, telecommuting, etc) to have a child, you'll be waiting a very long time. Something is always going to come up to disrupt that (watch UP!, you'll see what I mean ).
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  #8  
December 27th, 2013, 02:40 PM
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The longer it takes for January to get here and for our appointment to arrive, the more confident I am that I know we can make this work. After having a heated discussion with my fiance, it's clear that only one of us believes that we could actually do it, and it only takes one person to not want to go through with such a life-changing event to halt it. We're at a standstill, and I'm at a loss.
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  #9  
December 27th, 2013, 03:26 PM
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I say it only takes one of you to make it work. its been done time and time again. He may not think so now but if you do decide to keep it he very well may change his mind by the end of your pregnancy and will do anything for him/her. There are resources out there for you to utilize to make it work. But again you know whats best for you so stick with whatever your gut is telling you.
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  #10  
December 27th, 2013, 03:42 PM
First-time Mommy-to-Be!
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I know that Jeramy would never go anywhere, that's just not something that would happen. That isn't an option for him, and he's been very vocal and honest about that. He is in this for the long run (he wouldn't have asked me to marry him otherwise!) and I know we can make things work. He would do anything for me or his kids. My worry right now is that he allows himself to stress over it so much that he ends up in poor health himself. He also struggles with anxiety and has been a nervous wreck. He won't disappear or choose not to care for his child, but I don't want him to get worse or end up in that sort of position.
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  #11  
December 27th, 2013, 05:20 PM
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On top of this, I'm quite concerned about my family's reaction. I'll admit that my main source of anxiety is different social situations, and a primary one is the way my family (love them dearly) insists on talking at me and telling me how to live my life. (I don't mean to sound like an angsty teen here, I truly mean that instead of having adult conversations, I am constantly told what I'm doing wrong in their eyes and what needs to be done to fix it - and then am scolded and talked down to when I don't do "as I'm told"). That is one of the things I have had a hard time with, learning how to handle that kind of stress, as it still affects me daily and makes it hard to be happy about things that I truly should be happy about. The negativity I received when we announced our engagement was astounding... I can't imagine the heat I'll receive about a child, and that is one more stressor to add to my senior year, which I am already behind in completing. These are not excuses, but very strong realities for me.
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  #12  
December 27th, 2013, 05:28 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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when i found i was pregnant, i was 17. i was living at my parents' with my 18yr old boyfriend. we both suffer from anxiety, and i with mild depression. we were working part-time for leisure, saving up for our own place. we were in college making straight a's. then i got pregnant. he panicked. he didn't talk to me for weeks, which was really awkward. we had just gotten back together after a break, so the timing was especially bad.

we got on wic and medicaid. he hates it. he got a full time job working in a mill. it's a 12hr shift, awful days, hardly any time off, and horrible manual labor. i'm still working part-time with my hours scheduled around his so i can watch the baby. do we like this arrangement? no. does it work? yes. will it get better? yes. but we're getting by. i'm going to assume you didn't apply for financial aid (if so, there is no reason you should have a problem with applying for government assistance. it's the same thing). since you are technically an unemployed single mother, you'd be able to get a lot of help from wic. medicaid will cover baby's medical expenses. if you buy a package of diapers a week, just 10$ a week, you'd have a nice stash by the time baby comes. have a baby shower. don't tell people the gender. there are ways to get the things you need.

if you or Jeramy are having even the slightest of doubts, the abortion shouldn't take place.
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  #13  
December 27th, 2013, 06:07 PM
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That last part there really hit home, and you're right, I haven't applied for any of the services and other help I could have as a pregnant woman just yet - because I was certain that we weren't going through with it. I did apply for financial aid for college for the first few years; I received a full tuition scholarship, so my only loans will be for living on campus for the first two years - nothing major, thank goodness!

But like I said, that last part really hit home, and I don't know that I could forgive myself for going through with an abortion the way I'm feeling now. I wasn't even sure that I could have kids after complications when I was younger, and the longer I wait and the more time I have to think about it, the more attached I am and aware that this little creature inside me is my child. The more we wait, the more I'm convinced that we can make it work and do just fine. I'm just waiting for Jeramy to gather his thoughts and better understand where he is in all of this. He doesn't have much to say on the positive side right now because he had focused on the plan we'd made. Just needs time to think.
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  #14  
December 27th, 2013, 06:36 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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when i found out, we were already 12 weeks and 5 days along. i had been in denial and refused to take a test. for us, it was too late to decide. before, we'd had scares and had discussed abortion for ourselves, but in the moment we couldn't do it. and like i said, he didn't talk to me for weeks. i let him have his space and he did come around and he's a great father (our daughter, if you can't tell from my siggy will be 4 weeks on monday). he just needed the time. i'm not saying Jeramy will definitely do a 180 and decide that he can do this like Nate did. but maybe he can ease himself into the idea of fatherhood. during my pregnancy i was told we're given 9 months for a reason and i totally believe that

if you ever need to talk/ vent/ have questions (although i'm pretty new to this myself), please, feel free to message me.
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  #15  
December 27th, 2013, 06:38 PM
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Jeramy is a wonderful man and has expressed that he does want to have children - his concern here is that it's not the right time and we don't have things together for ourselves, let alone a baby. You're right, he just needs time to mull it over. Thank you so much for the advice, I really need people that I can talk to (other than my fiance of course) about this side of things.
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  #16  
December 27th, 2013, 06:40 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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and i also completely understand parental disappointment. i graduated hs at 16, got straight a's my first semester at college, and then got pregnant at 17. my parents have no idea what to think of me anymore. i'm convinced they favor Nate over me because when we told them i was pregnant, i was berated for ruining Nate because- their words= he's a handsome, intelligent young man with his whole life ahead of him and i took his future away. uh, thanks, mom and dad.

and Nate had never waned kids, that's how abortion had come up at all. when push came to shove, he couldn't follow through, and thank god for that.
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  #17  
December 27th, 2013, 06:46 PM
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My family is just rather pushy about their idea of a proper life for me, my mother especially. She will raise hell, I know it. She does about any major event in my life, for one reason or another, and it's her way or no way. Instead of emotional support, I'll be told that I'm ruining my life and wasting my degree and we'll never make it on our own (which is what I've heard all through this employment fiasco...). Abortion came up with us just because we had been making plans for other things and had wanted to, well, plan for it. It's a bad situation for us right now and we don't know how much better it will be months from now. At the same time, we don't know how things can change for the better either; it's all a series of unknowns here.
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  #18  
December 27th, 2013, 06:54 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i think if you COULD plan for everything, life would be boring.

i know having a baby will completely turn your life upside down. financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.. in every way imaginable, you will change. mine is only three weeks old and i can tell you right now i was not the girl i was this time last year. i'm not even the same girl who went in for the induction.

i will say this in the most polite way i can: screw your mom. you are an adult, this is your life, your child, your future. what do YOU want? what do YOU think is right or wrong for you? what kind of life do YOU see yourself having?

every single one of us on this board- those who had their babies, those who lost them, those who gave them up and those who had abortions- we all had plans. and every single one of us had them go awry at some point. that's why we have plan b's (and plan c's, and plan d's). obviously, it is too late for your plan a. you forfeited that when you got pregnant. now you need to figure out your plan b.
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  #19  
December 27th, 2013, 07:16 PM
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Exactly. No matter what anyone has to say about it, it's my life and our life and we can't go by what someone else has to say about it, even my own mom. At this point, honestly, I would be happy to keep this baby and figure everything out as we go along. If you could see a picture of everything that's happened to us in the last year, you'd be amazed at our ability to just go with it and make due with whatever situation we find ourselves in.
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  #20  
December 27th, 2013, 07:20 PM
ducksaresnazzy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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and just so you know, i'm not trying to convince you to keep the baby. i'm not trying to convince you to not go through with the abortion. i'm pro-choice, by the way. your choice. you seemed conflicted, you said so yourself, and i wanted you to know you CAN parent if you chose. like rainbow said earlier, there is a middle ground. you could place the baby for adoption.
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