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pregnant, unplanned, in another country, going home, what to do with bf?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 3 Post By mamatomany
  • 3 Post By lemieuxcrew
  • 1 Post By lily75

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  #1  
March 17th, 2014, 04:27 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
I really need to speak about my situation as i need advice!

I have moved from Europe to a country in the Gulf area to stay with my bf, who has a job here. We have not been together long time, are from different countries, cultures, religions, but I decided to give it a go to live with him in this new country.

It was not easy, as things didn't turn out the way I thought they would.
I ended up paying for a lot of stuff as he doesn't earn as much as he said he would.
He is working all the time, so I am alone all the time.
We have stayed in crappy places.
We were fighting a lot because of practical issues and sometimes cultural differences.

We ended up staying in seperate places due to him not having money/papers to get an apartment.
He blamed me for coming here too soon, before he was settled.

I seriously thought about leaving him and finding some work, get some experience and then move back home. He also thought about breaking up with me as he didn't want to spend his life arguing.

Then I found out I'm pregnant. I am 38 so I will def keep the baby and I have to move back home now as I am not allowed to stay in this country.
BF is excited and says this is a sign we will have to stay together. I am not to sure about that as I am getting so tired of having to pay for everything and not knowing what will happen.

BF says he will work hard and everything will change but how will i know that will really happen? I just don't trust that anymore, after everything went so wrong in the beginning.
Also, he doesn't understand why I have no trust and that I worry every day.

But... he is the father of my baby and i don't want to take that away from him. Moving back home is nice for me, but I will be going through pregnancy alone. If I let him stay with me there, it will be hard, as I will still be responsible for everything again, at least in the beginning.

And I really need someone to take care of me! That will take a long time for him, how can I trust him that he will study/take care of us in the future?
So hard!!

Can anyone advise? I feel so lost.

Last edited by lily75; March 17th, 2014 at 06:51 AM. Reason: too long
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  #2  
March 17th, 2014, 09:52 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 848
Wow, that's a lot to deal with! Congratulations on your new baby, you can get through this!Honestly, I would tell you to move home. You need a good support system and if going home will provide you with good support and stability, that is what you need to do. You can stay in contact with your boyfriend, and tell him this way he has a good 8 months or so to get his life in order and get financial stability. If after the baby is born he makes good on those things and is ready to support his family, you can consider moving back to be with him. If not, you can welcome him to come visit the baby anytime he likes. He is obviously not ready to marry you and provide emotional and financial stability for you and the baby and so it's time for you to cut the tie and move on. I would make it clear that you will give him a chance. He says you came too soon -- well, now he has a chance to do whatever it was he was planning on doing in order to afford to make a living to invite you share.He is not at that point yet. Expecting his pregnant girlfriend to support him financially is ridiculous. In any case, very best wishes and keep us posted!
flitabout, Spottts and lily75 like this.
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  #3  
March 17th, 2014, 04:21 PM
lemieuxcrew's Avatar September DDC Rocks
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,468
I agree! Or at least go home and let him prove he is stable before coming back. You have a bit until baby arrives....enough time for him to have a home ready for you if you chose to come back.
mamatomany, Spottts and lily75 like this.
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  #4  
March 18th, 2014, 03:37 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
thanks so much for your replies! I am indeed going home as I feel I need the support system and familiarity of home. he really wants to sort out his life, it just really gets me down how much time it will take. i feel like i have a child already (him) and another one is coming!could really use someone stronger. i guess time will tell how things will work out. even if he would come to my country it will be a long road for him to get set up. never thought it would be this hard! not sure if i want to come back to this country, it is soo expensive here, it's dubai. if you've ever been, you'll know what a crazy place it is... thanks a lot for nice responses... still very excited about the baby, just very much doubting the future of this relationship...
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  #5  
March 18th, 2014, 05:18 AM
lemieuxcrew's Avatar September DDC Rocks
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,468
Ive been to Dubai. All the cop cars re BMW and they are trading them in for Lamborghinis! Hope to see you on one of the DDC boards. There are some great ladies there! Good luck mama!
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Terra - proud mama, lucky wife, and a happy treehugger!
DS - Chase (June 2005), DD - RoseLynn (June 2012), DH - Frederic (married October 2010) Ophelia due September 2014, born 36.5 weeks on 8/17 at 5 lbs 10 oz


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  #6  
March 18th, 2014, 08:37 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Dubai is mad. It is a place of opportunities, but not sure if it fits me. I will check out the DDC forum!
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  #7  
March 19th, 2014, 06:28 AM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Pipestone, Minnesota
Posts: 6,500
I would definitely go home. If he sees you going home maybe it will get him off his butt and working to support you both. Right now he needs to prove his ability to do that.
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  #8  
March 28th, 2014, 10:01 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Hi all,Thanks for replies, I am currently back home. Slept and ate for a week, trying to get my strength back after a stressful time!Bf was arguing with me before I went back and the last days before flight were not nice Being home with my mum made me finally feel supported again, it has been so comforting! My parents bought me flowers and baby clothes, something my bf hasn't done.Bf and I were just messaging for a week and now he keeps pushing me for a decision about staying together or not. I mean, come on, give me some time to rest!Anyway, he has now decided for us that I make him weak and that we should be friends. The reason he is weak is because he feels I dont have faith in him. I am so tired of this and have now decided to just take care of myself and the baby. He wants to be part of our lives, but we'll see if he keeps to his word...
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  #9  
April 7th, 2014, 10:40 AM
kazarmo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatomany View Post
Wow, that's a lot to deal with! Congratulations on your new baby, you can get through this!Honestly, I would tell you to move home. You need a good support system and if going home will provide you with good support and stability, that is what you need to do. You can stay in contact with your boyfriend, and tell him this way he has a good 8 months or so to get his life in order and get financial stability. If after the baby is born he makes good on those things and is ready to support his family, you can consider moving back to be with him. If not, you can welcome him to come visit the baby anytime he likes. He is obviously not ready to marry you and provide emotional and financial stability for you and the baby and so it's time for you to cut the tie and move on. I would make it clear that you will give him a chance. He says you came too soon -- well, now he has a chance to do whatever it was he was planning on doing in order to afford to make a living to invite you share.He is not at that point yet. Expecting his pregnant girlfriend to support him financially is ridiculous. In any case, very best wishes and keep us posted!
Ok I just ran across your siggy. I'm sorry to hijack this thread but how in the world did a post V baby happen? Sorry if i'm asking to much personal information.
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