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Afraid to compromise the child's future and to traumatize the father


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
March 26th, 2014, 11:34 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4
Hi,

I am 37 and have been pregnant for about 8 weeks. I have never had kids before and I am not generally a big "kid fan". I don't look at babies with loving eyes like many women do. They just don't interest me and represent more of a burden to me than anything else.

My life is totally freedom-based. I am self-employed and I can work wherever I want. So I travel all the time to new places, meet new people, have fun, learn new things. No strings attached so-to-say! And I must say I love this life even if I understand that some people may find it very superficial.

The only thing that has kept me from aborting until now is that the father is already totally in love with that kid. And I find it very unfair not to take his feelings into account. I can see his eyes watering as soon as I start mentioning abortion. At the same time, I don't want to totally forget about my own feelings. For a whole month, I have felt like this was the end of the world, feeling worse than I have ever felt and torn between my wish to abort and my respect for the father's feelings. Now I have sort of gotten used to the idea of having that kid even if abortion is still not excluded for the below reasons...

This relationship is very new (only 3 months), the father is from a different culture, different social background, different education level, different everything. I am currently living with him in a small apartment in his country, a country which I like but where I have a hard time seeing myself living long term and where he cannot get away from without a very hard-to-get visa (i.e. if I wanted to move back to Europe, where I am from, the main option would be marriage, which I really don't want at this stage due to my uncertain feelings).

So basically I'm afraid to do a big mistake by having that kid. I mean, I am not in love with the dad (he says he is in love with me and I do believe him). I appreciate that he's so patient and so supportive, and hope that my feelings will evolve with time, but I seriously doubt it. He just gets on my nerves no matter what he does (and he actually acts perfect, he's more caring than most men I have met before, he takes care of me super well, etc.). I am sort of trying to make it work, thinking that love may come, but I fear that I won't stand that situation for long.

Is it a good idea to have a kid while you're foreseeing breaking up with the dad, knowing that the dad would deeply suffer from not seeing the child if I decided to move back to Europe? And is it a good idea to give life to a child if I'm going to deprive him from a father who loves him? What would you do?

On a side note, I am not worried financially. I earn enough money to support a child. I am just worried about the child's future if I happen to give birth to him/her and to break up and move away from the father.

Thanks in advance for your advice
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  #2  
March 26th, 2014, 03:56 PM
lemieuxcrew's Avatar September DDC Rocks
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,325
Well first of all, I am sorry you are having a rough go at it. I don't have your life, but I relate to what you are saying in many many ways. (Are you an Aquarius?) So I do truly understand that you consider yourself in a dilemma. No one here (or anywhere) can or should tell you that it sounds like abortion is the right thing for you. Not even pro-choicers like me. That is a deeply personal and private decision. But I wonder - and I have noticed this about this board. Woman often come here to be talked into it, not out of it. To be reassured, to be told it will be ok. So let me be the first of probably a few woman to say IT WILL BE OK! Whatever your choice is. If you chose to keep this baby there are a few things I can pretty surely advise you on: you will love your baby. You may not bond in pregnancy - but let me tell you, once baby is here - well, not many woman look back. Even the most fiercely independent of us! Yes, you lose your freedom, but many woman are so in love with their baby that they don't realize they are craving their freedom until a couple years in. At which point, you should be able to travel with baby, get babysitters for nights out, and honestly, the fact that you work flexible at home type of job with no financial worries is AWESOME! You are so ahead of the curve already!!!! I have a 20 month old - I have been to Quebec 2 times, Hawaii, Italy, Spain, France, Puerto Rico, Florida and a couple weekends out. I live in DC. Travel is way possible. AND, ready? I work flexible at home hours. It is all do-able. As far as Dad.....I don't think you should feel obligated to be with him if you don't love him. But don't have a baby for him. Have one for you - and the baby. If you keep in touch with him, see where the feelings go, and make sure that if he can travel that he has access when possible. Maybe your feelings will grow! But if not, it doesn't sound like you NEED him. Im not sure I said anything to help. I will end with a small (congratulations)....you are maybe on the brink of the greatest adventure, and love, of your life. Trust me - you cant even imagine this type of love existing until you look into your child's eyes...it's a mirror. Good luck! (Hugs)
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DS - Chase (June 2005), DD - RoseLynn (June 2012), DH - Frederic (married October 2010) Ophelia due September 2014, born 36.5 weeks on 8/17 at 5 lbs 10 oz


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  #3  
March 27th, 2014, 09:22 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4
Thanks a million for the answer. The decision is still to be made on my side but it does help to have an objective judgment in a situation where emotions make it hard for me to see the "big picture". Thanks again.

PS: Not Aquarius but Virgo :-)
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  #4  
March 27th, 2014, 10:42 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 518
I would say never abort. For moral and biblical reasons. It sounds like the father is really trying to make things work with you, and since you and him have created a child together, I would suggest equally trying to make it work. There must have been a reason why you were in a relationship with him to begin with? Perhaps pregnancy hormones and fear of the unknown are making you annoyed with him. But I would try to look at the larger picture. If he treats you perfect and more kindly than others why give up so fast on him? I pray you are able to make the right decision for the sake of your child. If you truly are sure that the lifestyle you want to maintain will be so hindered by a child adoption would be a great idea. As we all know there are so many wonderful parents who wish to have a child and cannot. But please don't end another's life for reasons of "independence", its not worth it.
MIL2lissy8 and cooper1414 like this.
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  #5  
March 28th, 2014, 09:55 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Well, your story sounds a bit like mine, not completely, but I have similar issues (I posted also in this board, where you can read my story).I am 38, from Europe also. I have just moved back to my country, leaving bf behind (he is from another background too, and we had difficulties understanding each other).I have never doubted about keeping the baby, although I love travel and am a freelancer too, I still feel this is a gift. Keeping for me is because of different reasons:- I believe children will bring a new dimension into life and becoming older without a family just doesnt appeal to me, I also believe that you can make your life as you want, you dont have to become a boring mum that sits inside all the time- I dont need a man to support us, I have a loving family- Everything happens for a reason, this baby wants to be here, and it can be a great turn in your life, although it will not be easy, but when is life ever easy?- I could never live with termination, I think I would regret forever.Anyway, I am now also away from bf, dealing with the guilt of taking the baby away from him. For me, it was a little easier to decide as I was not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant in that country and I want the medical care here. Plus bf didnt really take such good care, was moaning about me a lot. Also, he didn't have enough finances and we didn't have a place to stay together.What I have learned is that it is very important to think about yourself too. I am so happy to be back with my support system (family, friends, people I can talk to at the same level and from the same culture). I feel I am stronger here, and a decision about the relationship will come up.Can't you go back to your country for a few weeks to get your rest, have some time to think, and have an idea about what it's like to be back there?I feel completely different about my country now that I'm back. I left feeling it's a cold, hard place, but coming back made me realize how nice it is and how much I love my friends, family, and the fact that I can have a good well-organised life here.Your bf sounds nice, he might be getting on your nerves due to pregnancy hormones, that is normal in the beginning! (did he get on your nerves before the pregnancy, that is the question?)My bf also can't come without visa and I had the same feelings about doing that whilst relationship is not good... Anyway, if you want to talk more about our situations, let me know!
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  #6  
March 28th, 2014, 10:05 AM
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btw I think you should def keep the baby. I have done a lot of reading and only have been seeing stories about women that were so happy they kept the baby and about women regretting termination...
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  #7  
March 28th, 2014, 10:43 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Thanks lily. Yes, I had read your post and I felt close to what you were writing, despite a few differences (i.e. you were sure you wanted to have the baby and your bf was not very supportive).

I am indeed planning to go back to my country at the end of April. I think it will help me to be in an environment where not everything is different from me.

I think my biggest fear if I decide to have the kid is whether he/she will understand my choice when he/she grows older, i.e. living away from a father who would have loved to be part of their education (even if the decision to break up with him has not been made yet, I can't help but think that it's the most probable outcome).

I am afraid that the kid will end up hating me for thinking of me first. I know that life is not perfect and that you can't control everything but I can't help to feel worried.
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  #8  
March 29th, 2014, 07:16 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 705
Your baby's life is already created even though he or she is not born yet. Regardless of the relationship you are in, or the lack of relationship you may be in later does not mean that you cannot have a wonderful, loving parent/child relationship! You can still travel, work and enjoy life. You can share your love for travel and experiences with your child. You may not feel the connection just yet, but it will come. And even if you break it off with the father and move back home it doesn't have to mean that you don't give your baby the opportunity to be born. Your child was created for a reason and may just be a wonderful blessing that you aren't aware of yet.
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  #9  
March 30th, 2014, 01:37 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
I know exactly how you feel TO! I have the same feelings of guilt, even though I have good reasons not to continue with him, I still feel responsible for the child and for him to have a relationship with his child. Things would be so much easier if we were in the same country, as we could see how we could make it work (together or living apart but still be parents).He has also been putting the responsibility of all decisions on me, saying that he can do whatever, which is not making things easier. At the moment we are not speaking as he has pushed me for a decision and now has said himself that he thinks we should be friends only, as I make him tired and weak (God, if he is tired and weak, how should I feel???)Anyway, I do really really understand your concern and feeling of responsibility. I don't have the answer, I do feel that a bad relationship is worse for the child (especially if arguing and frustration come in) than a single parent, or a stepdad.....It sounds weird but I have even been thinking on trying to get a study visa for him so that he can be near us but we don't necessarily have to be in a relationship. I am scared though, I don't want to be in the same position again to be fully responsible for a grown man (plus child)...Let me know how you get on and great decision about going home, you will be so much closer to your feelings there. At least I am here, I feel stronger and the support system is nice. Good luck!
btw the study visa is just a thought, it is very far from where i see this going. Also, as contact is none at the moment, I will just see how this evolves.............. good luck! (in which part of the world are you, Africa/South America/Asia?)

Last edited by lily75; March 30th, 2014 at 01:40 AM.
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  #10  
March 31st, 2014, 08:42 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by lily75 View Post
btw the study visa is just a thought, it is very far from where i see this going. Also, as contact is none at the moment, I will just see how this evolves.............. good luck! (in which part of the world are you, Africa/South America/Asia?)
Thanks Lily. I am in the Caribbeans (Dominican Republic to be more precise).
Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and admiring how well you seem to deal with it.
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  #11  
March 31st, 2014, 11:46 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Wow Dominican Republic, I've always wanted to go... Well, I am just taking it as it is at the moment and I think down inside I wanted this to happen (pregnancy)... dealing with bf is harder though, he still makes me cry and confused...Did you decide to keep the baby?Good luck to you too, I'm sure you will feel better when you are at home!
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  #12  
June 25th, 2014, 09:14 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Almost three months have passed, how are you doing?Over here, a lot has happened. At the moment I am so fed up with him and I'm thinking about his role as a father.


I was just wondering how this is going with you? Hope you are well and happy at home...
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