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Opinion Needed - Who is the father?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
August 6th, 2006, 11:53 PM
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Hello. I am new to the board and am hoping to get some advice.

My last period started 5/20. I don't know how many days I bled, but probably no more than 5. I had been on Yasmin but might have missed one or two of my last pills before the empties---I can't remember and don't know if it makes a difference anyway.

On late night 5/28 morning 5/29 (days 9 and 10 of my cycle) I had unprotected sex three times. He pulled out all three times.

On late night 6/2 morning 6/3 (days 14 and 15 or my cycle) I had sex with a second guy twice. Both times he put a condom on part way through---so he also did not cum inside of me.

I tend to be a bit of a paranoid person so after the second guy I immediately thought I should take PlanB, but told myself to calm down, I was being ridiculous and overly cautious and that there was no need to take all those hormones. However, by Monday after work I decided to take Plan B---64 hours after we had sex the first time. The reason I was worried after the second guy is that I really would never want to have children with him---we're just friends who were drunk. The other guy is not my bf either (i don't have one) but I like him so I wouldn't have panicked about having his child, though it didn't even cross my mind (okay, maybe fleetingly) that i could be pregnant by him either.

Who do you think is the father? Plan B is supposed to be 89% effective when taken within 72 hours of intercourse. Neither of these guys came inside of me---it's so impossible! So unfair!

No matter what, I am keeping the baby, I just can't stop thinking about this situation. I will be doing a prenatal paternity test sometime this month. In the meantime, I just need some opinions. Thanks in advance!
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  #2  
August 7th, 2006, 06:32 AM
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are you pregnant? or just speculating? sorry I got a little confused reading your post!
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  #3  
August 7th, 2006, 06:40 AM
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Quote:
are you pregnant? or just speculating? sorry I got a little confused reading your post![/b]

Oh gosh, yes! Can't believe I failed to mention such an important part. Found out I was pregnant on July 4th. Have had two ultrasounds that have not been helpful at all in pinpointing within such a short window of difference. I bet reading my description it wouldn't even seem like I should be pregnant would it? It's definately the real deal though.
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  #4  
August 7th, 2006, 10:42 AM
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Wow, I can not beleive how exactly alike our situations are. I had my period on 5/20 also and then had sex on 5/31, 6/4, and 6/6. I took the morning after pill on 6/7. The first two dates with one person and then the 6th with another guy.

I would think your chances are higher that you are pregnant to the guy you slept with on 6/2 & 6/3. If you have a regular cycle those would have been your O days.

The thing about the morning after pill is (and I've since discovered this because of my situation) I can not beleive how many people have told me they got pregnant even though they used map as prescribed. It doesn't seem that the rate of effectiveness they claim could really be true......

I guess I'd say what everyone said to me, you'll never know definitely until you get a paternity test.

Please keep us updated. When is your prenatal scheduled?
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  #5  
August 7th, 2006, 01:07 PM
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I go and see a new OBGYN on 8/16 to discuss testing options. Originally I had planned on waiting until late this month to do a non-invasive prenatal paternity, but I want to make sure that whatever I do it's going to be reliable. I am worried about the risks from an Amnio or CVS, but other than the published small percentage of risk from those procedures, I don't seem to see a lot of people who have had problems as a result, so i think they are probably pretty safe.

I don't know how regular my cycle is, that is part of my problem. My period was somewhat consistent on the pill, but before that I don't really remember. I do know that I didn't even have a period for almost two months last July-September (weight loss & stress), and I had just had surgery on May 4th this year--I know that surgery can sometimes do stuff to your body too--at least heard that it can.

It's so frustrating that neither one even came inside of me, especially that guy #2 wore a condom halfway through (the second half!). I really thought that taking PlanB was probably overkill and just my paranoia getting the best of me. Needless to say this is a lot to deal with . Especially because I am not with either of them. I am totally embarassed. I have always wanted kids but NEVER imagined I would get pregnant before I was married and certainly not get pregnant and not know who the father is. It's not like I sleep around, I had been with #1 casually for almost a year and a half and #2 is a friend of mine who I just got drunk and stupid with---6/3 was my 28th birthday. As much as I feel bad for anyone in my situation, it makes me feel better to know I am not the only one.
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  #6  
August 7th, 2006, 01:26 PM
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Well, good thing you can see a new ob and discuss testing options. I just wanted to warn you that a lot of people are suing those non-invasive prenatal places for wrong results. Def. talk to your doctor about that one. I decided to go ahead and do CVS, though I am very scared of the high risk rate.

I am really embarassed about my situation too, so I know how you feel. Just remember, you are BY FAR not the only one in this situation nor are you the only one who could have been. Many women have sex with more than one person close together and just don't get pregnant.

Good luck. Keep us posted.
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  #7  
August 7th, 2006, 02:21 PM
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Well, the with the first guy you used pull-n-pray, and the 2nd guy used a condom and then PlanB - from that part alone, I'd say guy #1 is the most likely candidate.

A lot of guys 'leak' during the whole thing, and then have a large ejaculation at the end. So 'pulling out' doesn't do a bit of good in that situation.

I have the pull-n-pray method to thank for Kaya
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  #8  
August 7th, 2006, 11:08 PM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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A paternity test is your only way to know for sure.


At any point during intercourse, a man can secrete a tiny amount of pre-ejaculate. While it's just a small amount, it is highly concentrated with sperm. A man would have no idea when it's happening.

So this could have easily happened with either dude #1 or #2. With #1, it could have happened at any point before he pulled out. With #2, it could have happened at any time before he put the condom on.

So, any time there is genital contact - pregnancy is possible (not just when ejaculation occurs).

Hope that helps.

Shawna
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  #9  
August 8th, 2006, 06:52 AM
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Mattea is a pull 'n pray baby I know what you mean hun, I was embarresed when I found out too, her father was someone I had only been dating for a couple months and had only been serious with for a month and he left me when he found out...definately NOT the way I pictured having my first child! At first I didn't know who the father was either because I had slept with my ex fiance a few weeks before I was with Chris the first time, but they were able to give me a date of conception from an early U/S and it's definately his, which sucks b/c my ex and are still in love and we really wanted a baby together but I promise you, in a few months when you feel your little one kicking away it won't matter who the father is, and all that shame will be out the window! Based on your stats I would say its the first guy, although it is hard to tell...out of curiosity, how do you do a prenatal paternity test?? Is it invasive?
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  #10  
August 8th, 2006, 10:21 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words and opinions. I know there's no real way to tell until the paternity test, but I can't help but ask for opinions.

The prenatal paternity test is done by Amnio (amniotic fluid) or CVS (placenta) where they take the baby's dna and match it to a sample from the potential father(s). A non-invasive test they take a sample of the mother's blood from which they are able to detect fetel dna which they then match to a dna sample from the potential father(s). It seems that the non-invasive way is a little less reliable so I won't be making a decision on the method of testing until I talk to my doctor next week. I can hardly stand the wait!
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  #11  
August 8th, 2006, 11:21 AM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Thank you all for your kind words and opinions. I know there's no real way to tell until the paternity test, but I can't help but ask for opinions.

The prenatal paternity test is done by Amnio (amniotic fluid) or CVS (placenta) where they take the baby's dna and match it to a sample from the potential father(s). A non-invasive test they take a sample of the mother's blood from which they are able to detect fetel dna which they then match to a dna sample from the potential father(s). It seems that the non-invasive way is a little less reliable so I won't be making a decision on the method of testing until I talk to my doctor next week. I can hardly stand the wait![/b]

Just keep in mind that the amnio carries an increased risk for fetal demise (miscarriage), so it may be safer to opt for the less invasive test - even if it's less accurate.

Curious - why not do the paternity testing after baby is born, with blood sample from baby?

Shawna
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  #12  
August 8th, 2006, 04:51 PM
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Quote:
Just keep in mind that the amnio carries an increased risk for fetal demise (miscarriage), so it may be safer to opt for the less invasive test - even if it's less accurate.

Curious - why not do the paternity testing after baby is born, with blood sample from baby?[/b]

I do understand that there is a small risk of miscarriage with each of those procedures, CVS being slightly more problamatic than an Amnio (by .5 - 1% more of a risk). And yes, it freaks me out. I will certainly make sure that the doctor or technician who performs the procedure has plenty of experience and know how. I also want to consult with my doctor. But it is something that I have to do---I am so anxious over this situation that I can hardly think of anything else---including at work where I need to focus. I am not sleeping well and hardly at all due to worry and the agony of not knowing. Plus I have a wonderfully supportive, large extended family who will be with me through all of this and helpful with the baby and I can't bear not being able to give full information to them regarding the part the father will be playing in the life of the child. I can't imagine that all of this stress is good for the baby, and as much as I try to put it out of my mind, I can't.
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  #13  
August 8th, 2006, 07:30 PM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[/quote}
I do understand that there is a small risk of miscarriage with each of those procedures, CVS being slightly more problamatic than an Amnio (by .5 - 1% more of a risk). And yes, it freaks me out. I will certainly make sure that the doctor or technician who performs the procedure has plenty of experience and know how. I also want to consult with my doctor. But it is something that I have to do---I am so anxious over this situation that I can hardly think of anything else---including at work where I need to focus. I am not sleeping well and hardly at all due to worry and the agony of not knowing. Plus I have a wonderfully supportive, large extended family who will be with me through all of this and helpful with the baby and I can't bear not being able to give full information to them regarding the part the father will be playing in the life of the child. I can't imagine that all of this stress is good for the baby, and as much as I try to put it out of my mind, I can't.
[/quote]


That I can certainly understand. Peace of mind is gold.
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  #14  
August 11th, 2006, 02:05 PM
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Does anyone else have any opinions? I know it doesn't make a difference I just can't stop thinking. I feel like crying all of the time. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow.
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  #15  
August 15th, 2006, 01:35 PM
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Are you feeling any better?

Good luck at your doctors apt. tomorrow.
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  #16  
August 15th, 2006, 06:14 PM
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Thanks.

Things have actually just gotten a whole lot worse. I lost my job. I have been way to obsessed with my situation and have not been focused on my job so I have lost a very good salary and will now have to pay COBRA for my insurance. I actually feel like I have hit rock bottom and it's almost laughable. So now I can use unemployment to decompress and take care of myself. I know it will all work out in the end.
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  #17  
August 16th, 2006, 06:50 AM
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Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you lost your job. That is awful. Can you make it on unemployment until you find something else? I was on Cobra before and it was pretty expensive!

Things will get better for you.

I hope you get in with your doctor today and he gets you scheduled for your procedure soon. Once you know you'll feel better and be able to concentrate.
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  #18  
August 17th, 2006, 09:16 AM
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So, how'd it go yesterday?
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  #19  
August 17th, 2006, 07:44 PM
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I just read about your situation. I hope things are going better. Would you qualify for medicaid?
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  #20  
August 19th, 2006, 01:27 AM
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I am not sure if I would qualify for medical, but I feel okay moving forward with COBRA. I like my plan and the opportunities I have with it. Quite honestly I am almost happy to be unemployed and able to focus on my pregnancy. I have actually been amazingly calm since the news came that I lost my job--really freakishly calm and not at all like me. I think I've just reached the conclusion that God or some force out there wante me to make some changes in my life and is placing me in these situations to do so. I'm gonna roll with it!

I had a CVS done yesterday afternoon. It all came together very quickly. The people at the hospital were so nice and the procedure was really easy--what a relief. The ultrasound they did along with the procedure was awesome! So much better than at my original OB and of course with the baby getting bigger there was so much to see. I have five new photos---in one it looks like he's/she's sucking his thumb. Very cool. My other ultrasounds at 8 and 10 weeks only gave me a range of dates of conception, this ultrasound pinpointed to 13 weeks, 2 days, which would actually point towards the 1st vs. 2nd guy, but I know it's so close that it doesn't mean much of anything. I also understand that earlier ultrasounds are better at dating more accurately---it's too bad the doctor I had at my first two USs didn't seem to care about my paternity issue.

On my trip home from the hospital I called the one potential father that I am having tested (guy number 2 from day 14/15). I was worried he'd be angry that A) I could potentially be having is baby and B) that I waited so long to tell him (I've known since July 4th). However, he seemed to really respect my decisions, told me I needed to not blame myself, that I had nothing to apologize for and that he understood I was making the best decisions I could. He has actually been very nice considering the bombshell I dropped on him. He and I had to spend about 3 hours together today in a car ride to and from the mouth swab/DNA collection site and did a lot of talking about the potential. He confirmed that he never wanted kids, in fact has ended (and not started) relationships because the girl(s) wanted children, he's had a girlfriend get pregnant before and she had an abortion. He admitted that right now he's selfish and doesn't want this, but pretty much feels he couldn't walk away from this type of responsibilty, and he did not even bring up abortion with me---knowing that my mind was made up he knew there would be no point (I asked). He actually almost had a vasectomy back in April---he's that sure he didn't want kids, but some friends of his talked him out of it. It's crazy because we have no desire to be together at all--have never had that desire, either of us--and further confirmed that to each other today. So it's amazing to me that he seems to be leaning towards wanting to be involved. I kind of don't want him to be, but it's only fair to him and the baby I suppose, I'll cross that bridge with him when and if necessary---I did tell him that I would get paperwork drawn up to relieve him of all responsibilities and rights with the assurance that I would never bad mouth him to anyone including the child--just don't think he's going to go for it.

I apologize for rambling, I think I just needed to process what has happened today. Overall I am glad I will have an answer soon. And while I still desperately hope it's the other guy (please think positive thoughts for me!), I am relieved that this one has been so nice about everything....so far. I don't think it is at all what I expected. I should have an answer next Friday.
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