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Dealing with unhappy husband


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
May 10th, 2005, 07:27 AM
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Hi ladies,
I'm glad I found this forum. I am 33, married for 3 years and am VERY unexpectedly pregnant with our first baby. When we first met I was on b/c but ended up going off of it over 10 years ago. I have a history of PCOS and thyroid problems (which I recently went on meds for) so we foolishly believed that we must be infertile after 10+ yrs of sex with now b/c and no pregnancies.

My husband is not happy at all- in fact tells me hes never been so depressed. We both wanted to have kids some day. We've been in counseling for the last 6 mos. mostly to work out some relationship problems before having children. Husband just cannot come to terms that this has happened before he is comfortable with everything.

I have NO patience for his depression over this. IT HAPPENED and now we have to deal with it... constructively! Is anyone else going through a similar situation. I am SO angry at him and so sad that he/we cannot make the best of this. Plus I've been really sick - it's starting to get a bit better now that I'm 12 weeks along.

Please let me know if you're going through this too. I feel sooo alone.
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  #2  
May 10th, 2005, 08:31 AM
mommyofdani's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When dh and I got pregnant with Danielle...it was very unplanned lol Adam was terrified. We didn't have any money saved up, I was *and still am* in school, he didn't have his master's yet, and he was stressing big time. Adam has never even held a baby before *at this point almost two years ago* He got depressed and really scared. But..I just had to stick by him, no matter how much it hurt me or made me angry. And guess what. He eventually realized that he was ready to be a daddy. He realized that we can do it. Maybe your dh is just really scared. He wanted to accomplish so much more before becomming a daddy. Take him to counseling if you have to...let him know he can still accomplish everything he wants to with or without a baby. A baby changes everything...but for the better. Godo luck, and I am sorry you feel so down right now
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  #3  
May 10th, 2005, 10:41 AM
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sorry that you have to go through all this when you just want to be happy and enjoy it. it's hard when you feel you aren't ready for things but that's life. not everything can be planned out to the minute. i never wanted to have kids and am about to have my first. becoming a mom scares me to death but i guess my body had other plans for me. i was on birthcontrol when i got pregnant. but really after the shock of hearing that i was pregnant i really am more excited about it then i have ever been about anything. how lone have you known that you were pregnant? some times it takes men a little more time to get used to the fact that they are going to be dads since they aren't really the ones experiencing everything that comes with pregnancy. it took my boyfriend some time to get used to it, it's a big change to your life but you are right, things happen and you have to deal with them, it's not like it's such a bad thing anyways and if you wanted to evenuatly have kids how long was he expecting you to wait?!?!?
congratulations on your pregnancy i'm happy for you.
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  #4  
May 10th, 2005, 12:13 PM
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We found out on April Fool's Day of all days! I know he is scared to death and I'm probably being very self-centered and hormonal - but I don't care if he's scared. Time to snap out of it. He's known for over month and is getting more depressed. I think I should stop torturing myself by watching A Baby Story on discovery channel. All the happy couples are making me feel very sorry for myself and the situtation I'm in. He's just so miserable that it's virtually impossible for me to be happy and not feel quilty about it.

Thanks very much for your responses!
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  #5  
May 10th, 2005, 12:30 PM
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hmmm... maybe if you start getting him used to it by putting a few baby things around the house like books and about how happy your are maybe he'll catch on. this is a happy time for you and you shouldn't let other people get in the way of that... besides stress isn't good for you or the baby. has he been going to your appointments with you. it helped with my boyfrined when we got to hear the heart beat and see the baby when we went for our u/s. it helps make things really a set in.
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  #6  
May 10th, 2005, 12:35 PM
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you shouldn't feel guilty about being happy. this is a wonderful time for you (unless you have mornign sickness then it's not so nice). but then the feeling (sickness) passes and you sreally stop caring about how other people feel i'm glad you are here, i had people telling me to get rid of my baby and well i told them were to go, my boyfriend wasn't too supportive at the beginning but he's come around and is getting excited about it. there are so many people on here that will be happy with you and it helps with how it makes you feel when he's being a jerk about becoming a dad. i'm glad you are hear and vent as much as you need to to get the stress of it out. it really helps to make yo ufeel better, especially knowing that there are people who are here for you when you feel alone.
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  #7  
May 10th, 2005, 01:24 PM
2with1togo's Avatar Veteran
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I agree you should not feel guilty for being happy, BUT you should also not try to displace his feelings on the whole thing. He has a right to be sad, scared, depressed. Those are his honest feelings on the pregnancy. Would you honestly rather him fake being happy just to please you.

One can't just magically get over something like this if its a big shock and totally unexpected. I am 22 weeks and STILL in shock and somewhat depressed. Neither one of us are thrilled with another baby. Thats just how it is sometimes for some people.

I suggest you talk to him and see if there is anything you can do to help him become less depressed/scared/sad over the upcoming event.
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  #8  
May 10th, 2005, 07:06 PM
mommyofdani's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think taking him to some appointments may help *good advice 1st time mommy* That helped with Adam as well...

Tell him how you feel. Maybe if he knows you are excited, he can be a little more respectful of your feelings. You are not being selfish or hormonal...you are excited about having a baby. And how could you not when you have this beautiful little human being growing inside of you? He should respect that as you should respect how he feels too. He may be depressed for a long time. This is scary. If you aren't "ready" to become a parent, and then find out you will be a parent whether you are ready or not...it is stressful. Give him time. But feel free to come here and vent, get out your feelings. Like 1st time mommy said...we are all here for you, so you won't feel alone.
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  #9  
May 11th, 2005, 01:28 PM
1proudmom2kalli
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Dear- I do know where you are coming from!!! My boyfriend and I were TOTALLY surprised to find out we were having our first baby. I think it wasn't really REAL to him until he saw the ultrasound of our little girl flicking off her daddy! That's right, she flicked him & g-ma off! But they both thought it was cute and he wanted a copy of the pic to take to work and show off. Ever since he saw his little angel on the ultrasound screen he has been way better. Now he won't even let me carry a gallon of milk in from the car! I mean, it's been a big change. I think guys need more time to come around, but they eventually do. Until then, we're all here to listen to anything you need to get off your chest. JM is definitely a good place for that!!

Oh, and I was on birth control, so the pregnancy was just all that much more shocking!!

We're all here to listen anytime you need us!! The old man will come around, but until he does, don't you worry. Just respect the fact that he has not yet come to terms with it, but that doesn't mean that you can't be happy about it! Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy! I wish you a happy & healthy 9 months!
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