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can you want an unplanned pregnancy


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
September 18th, 2006, 01:53 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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So I had spent the entire weekend thinking of how to tell DH that I do not want to continue taking BCP and that I really want to ttc #3 and see what he says.
We had a little PG fake out a few weeks ago and I was really excited, and he seemed to be as well. Well then I found out that I was not and I am sad....I came to the realization that I really want to have one more baby with him and that now is the perfect time
So I decided I was going to try him again....we had this conversation several months ago and it ended poorly with me feeling resentful that he told me he was done and both of us being mad the we did not agree. I have been back and forth for the past year about whether or not I wanted to have another one, but I have kept this to myself with the exception of the previously mentioned conversation which was about 8 months ago, because I knew how DH felt about it.
But the fake out as I like to call it, really made me see that another baby is truely what I want. And from DH's reaction, I thought in his heart he wanted the same....he seemed so excited, I would even go as far to use the word happy.
So I figured I better strike while the iron is hot and talk to him while he is still sort of thinking about the possibility of another baby. And see what happens.
Well, we just finished up the conversation and I am still taking it all in I guess. I think it is so unfortunate that I have no choice but to LOSE in this situation. DH told me that he was not really excited when I told him that I thought I was PG, he said "what good would it have done to tell you that I was upset about it, if you were PG then I had to be ok with it". I feel like that was complete BS, I would rather he had been honest from the beginning of this about how he was feeling. I know he was trying not to upset me and he was trying to do the "right" thing, I think if he had been honest then when I found out that I was not PG, I would have just dealt with my feelings the same way I did 8 months ago and gone on with my life.
The whole reason I even re-visited the topic of ttc was because he seemed like he was excited about the idea of me being PG.
Now I am right back where I was at the end of the first conversation 8 months ago, nothing has changed as far as his feelings on the matter...and....I am feeling all of these ways that I wish I didn't. I am sad, and sick to my stomach with disappointment and I resent him...I know that is horrible to say, but I do. I mean I truely and completely with everything in my body mind heart and soul believe that he is the most perfect man in this world for me. It just makes me so sad that we are so far apart in this decision. And I think it really bothers me because normally we are right there with eachother when it comes to decisions, big ones small ones and all the decisions inbetween, we are on the same page. But not in this case. And I feel like there is no hope at all of me having that last baby that I am wanting. I would never want to have a baby with him unless he was just as excited about it as I was. I would never put him in a position where I knew he did not want to be and that would make him unhappy. So I guess what that means is that I have to suck it up and move on with it.
I don't know that I will revisit this website, I think I just need to move on with things, I need to get rid of all of the baby stuff that I have been holding on to. And I need to forget about the idea of ever bringing another little life into the world because he is DONE. And as much as I try to convince myself that I don't want another baby, I DO!!!! I hope this feeling goes away with time because right now I am so sad that I just don't know what to do with myself. And part of me feels like I want to just stay off BCP, get PG and let him be the one to have to deal with it............AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thanks for listening ladies and I wish you all the best....Jessica
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  #2  
September 18th, 2006, 06:18 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that you and your DH are having problems agreeing on this subject. Does he give you any particular reasons as to why he doesn't want to have another child? Maybe you both could make like a pros and cons list to discuss having the baby and just try to be as openminded (as well as DH) to what the other has written down. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best!!
Amanda
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  #3  
September 18th, 2006, 09:11 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Winnipeg
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I'm sorry you're going through such a crummy time! I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I wanted to have another baby and my b/f ABSOLUTELY didn't want anymore.
Honestly, this is a big enough issue that you both might want to consider counselling. Having/not having a child is a HUGE decision! And if you resent him because of how he feels, and you're the one having to sacrifcie your dream of having another child, it's worth talking to someone about it as a couple. I mean, what are his reasons for not wanting another child? Is it money? Is it that he feels the family wouldn't benefit from it? What exactly is causing him to feel this way? And vice versa...What is it that makes you want another baby? How do you feel another baby would affect your family? These are all good questions to take into consideration.
I'm sort of in the opposite situation...I feel as though I'm done having children...I have my one girl and I'm happy as can be! My b/f (for now) is happy with our one and doesn't think we're gonna have more. HOWEVER, I do know that when we first met, Mitch wanted 3 chidren, no ifs ands or buts about it! lol So for him to all of a sudden be like "yeah, I don't think I want more after Fiona"...well, I don't buy it! I think he's gonna want Fiona to have sibling later on. And me, well I don't know how I'll feel when he seriously asks me if we can have another baby.
So at that point we'll have to reassess the situation, and see.
I'm not too sure what more I can tell you. I just hope that things work out where you both are happy and comfortable in your decisions made as a couple. Maybe you can all take a nice family vacation, see how it makes you feel after. Or, (and I know this is no replacement for a baby) but maybe you could get a pet, like a dog. It might help you redirect your wanting to nurture a baby to nuturing a new, baby canine/feline/bird/lizard (whatever you want) family addition! It might help.
But just remember that he does need to respect how you feel, just as much as you need to respect how he feels. This is something you both need to feel ok about. If it means counselling for you, for him or for the both of you, then I think it's worth it.
good luck sweetie!
Brigitte
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  #4  
September 22nd, 2006, 10:07 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 2,554
Quote:
I'm sorry you're going through such a crummy time! I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I wanted to have another baby and my b/f ABSOLUTELY didn't want anymore.
Honestly, this is a big enough issue that you both might want to consider counselling. Having/not having a child is a HUGE decision! And if you resent him because of how he feels, and you're the one having to sacrifcie your dream of having another child, it's worth talking to someone about it as a couple. I mean, what are his reasons for not wanting another child? Is it money? Is it that he feels the family wouldn't benefit from it? What exactly is causing him to feel this way? And vice versa...What is it that makes you want another baby? How do you feel another baby would affect your family? These are all good questions to take into consideration.
I'm sort of in the opposite situation...I feel as though I'm done having children...I have my one girl and I'm happy as can be! My b/f (for now) is happy with our one and doesn't think we're gonna have more. HOWEVER, I do know that when we first met, Mitch wanted 3 chidren, no ifs ands or buts about it! lol So for him to all of a sudden be like "yeah, I don't think I want more after Fiona"...well, I don't buy it! I think he's gonna want Fiona to have sibling later on. And me, well I don't know how I'll feel when he seriously asks me if we can have another baby.
So at that point we'll have to reassess the situation, and see.
I'm not too sure what more I can tell you. I just hope that things work out where you both are happy and comfortable in your decisions made as a couple. Maybe you can all take a nice family vacation, see how it makes you feel after. Or, (and I know this is no replacement for a baby) but maybe you could get a pet, like a dog. It might help you redirect your wanting to nurture a baby to nuturing a new, baby canine/feline/bird/lizard (whatever you want) family addition! It might help.
But just remember that he does need to respect how you feel, just as much as you need to respect how he feels. This is something you both need to feel ok about. If it means counselling for you, for him or for the both of you, then I think it's worth it.
good luck sweetie!
Brigitte[/b]
Thanks very much for the post I guess I just needed some time for our little chat to settle in...and now just like before, I am dealing with it.
The reasons he gives me, seem pretty lame! He said he thinks his parents are perfectly content with the grandchildren they have and he is not sure how they would feel about babysitting them - OK well they only watch them when they want to, we do not depend on them for daycare of anything else, only when they want to keep them...so in my opinion if 3 is too many for them, then don't keep them overnight, just come and visit!
He also said that he thinks our children if we gave them the option would say they do not want another brother/sister...what kind of crap is that, first of all the 2 year old can't decide what she wants to poop on the potty let alone whether or not to have another sibling...and the 5 year old would be excited - he was wonderful when his sister came along and I know he would feel the same now.
Basically he is trying to put all of the reasons off on other people//// so I said that! ///
And he said " well I just don't want another baby"
I am not sure if he is afraid to tell me that he is afraid that he will feel overwhelmed what...
He did also say that he doesn't want to have another baby because he is afraid something would be wrong with it and that he can't handle that....let me add that our other children are perfectly healthy as are DH and I...there is no family history of anything that we need to worry about....
He said that he loves the 3 of us so much, he can't stand it when we are sick or somthing is wrong...and he just can't love another person that much...
All of this is very sweet....but I think he is worrying too much....over thinking everything

Now lets point the arrow at me....
You mentioned getting a dog or pet to sort of satisfy/pacify me...I guess I don't necessarily feel like I have the urge to nurture another baby or anything like that...I think I am looking at it like another baby would be an adventure, another littler personality, another wonderful addition to our family... I feel so happy with our children and our marriage and our life - I think we could give another child a wonderful life ... I think that our children would enjoy another sibling to play with and share their childhood with...I came from a family of 4 kids and I think still to this day that bigger families are more fun...I just want to add another special person to our lives ....

Thanks again for responding
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  #5  
September 28th, 2006, 03:20 AM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 3
Quote:
Quote:
I'm sorry you're going through such a crummy time! I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I wanted to have another baby and my b/f ABSOLUTELY didn't want anymore.
Honestly, this is a big enough issue that you both might want to consider counselling. Having/not having a child is a HUGE decision! And if you resent him because of how he feels, and you're the one having to sacrifcie your dream of having another child, it's worth talking to someone about it as a couple. I mean, what are his reasons for not wanting another child? Is it money? Is it that he feels the family wouldn't benefit from it? What exactly is causing him to feel this way? And vice versa...What is it that makes you want another baby? How do you feel another baby would affect your family? These are all good questions to take into consideration.
I'm sort of in the opposite situation...I feel as though I'm done having children...I have my one girl and I'm happy as can be! My b/f (for now) is happy with our one and doesn't think we're gonna have more. HOWEVER, I do know that when we first met, Mitch wanted 3 chidren, no ifs ands or buts about it! lol So for him to all of a sudden be like "yeah, I don't think I want more after Fiona"...well, I don't buy it! I think he's gonna want Fiona to have sibling later on. And me, well I don't know how I'll feel when he seriously asks me if we can have another baby.
So at that point we'll have to reassess the situation, and see.
I'm not too sure what more I can tell you. I just hope that things work out where you both are happy and comfortable in your decisions made as a couple. Maybe you can all take a nice family vacation, see how it makes you feel after. Or, (and I know this is no replacement for a baby) but maybe you could get a pet, like a dog. It might help you redirect your wanting to nurture a baby to nuturing a new, baby canine/feline/bird/lizard (whatever you want) family addition! It might help.
But just remember that he does need to respect how you feel, just as much as you need to respect how he feels. This is something you both need to feel ok about. If it means counselling for you, for him or for the both of you, then I think it's worth it.
good luck sweetie!
Brigitte[/b]
Thanks very much for the post I guess I just needed some time for our little chat to settle in...and now just like before, I am dealing with it.
The reasons he gives me, seem pretty lame! He said he thinks his parents are perfectly content with the grandchildren they have and he is not sure how they would feel about babysitting them - OK well they only watch them when they want to, we do not depend on them for daycare of anything else, only when they want to keep them...so in my opinion if 3 is too many for them, then don't keep them overnight, just come and visit!
He also said that he thinks our children if we gave them the option would say they do not want another brother/sister...what kind of crap is that, first of all the 2 year old can't decide what she wants to poop on the potty let alone whether or not to have another sibling...and the 5 year old would be excited - he was wonderful when his sister came along and I know he would feel the same now.
Basically he is trying to put all of the reasons off on other people//// so I said that! ///
And he said " well I just don't want another baby"
I am not sure if he is afraid to tell me that he is afraid that he will feel overwhelmed what...
He did also say that he doesn't want to have another baby because he is afraid something would be wrong with it and that he can't handle that....let me add that our other children are perfectly healthy as are DH and I...there is no family history of anything that we need to worry about....
He said that he loves the 3 of us so much, he can't stand it when we are sick or somthing is wrong...and he just can't love another person that much...
All of this is very sweet....but I think he is worrying too much....over thinking everything

Now lets point the arrow at me....
You mentioned getting a dog or pet to sort of satisfy/pacify me...I guess I don't necessarily feel like I have the urge to nurture another baby or anything like that...I think I am looking at it like another baby would be an adventure, another littler personality, another wonderful addition to our family... I feel so happy with our children and our marriage and our life - I think we could give another child a wonderful life ... I think that our children would enjoy another sibling to play with and share their childhood with...I came from a family of 4 kids and I think still to this day that bigger families are more fun...I just want to add another special person to our lives ....

Thanks again for responding
[/b]
WELL GET ANOTHER GUY!
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  #6  
September 28th, 2006, 07:06 AM
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I think having a child or TTC a child is a very big decision and one that should not be taken lightly. Is your husband completely shut down to the idea of another child or is he kind of in the middle? I would definitely continue to talk to him about it. IMO, y'all having another child would leave less hurt and resentment then y'all not having one. Your DH would love your child from the minute he/she is conceived, but if he doesn't let you have another child you might have feelings of resentment towards him down the road. Honestly, I would be 100% content with just having our daughter, but my DF would like to have a boy because he is the last male in his family to pass his last name on. So we will just have to compromise on that when the time comes. I wish you the best and just continue to talk to your husband about it!!
Amanda
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  #7  
September 28th, 2006, 08:31 AM
Oriyan's Avatar Platinum Superdupermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: I am a stranger in a strange land.
Posts: 10,467
Awe I am kinda in the same boat as you. I want an unplanned pregnancy, and everytime I mention the possibility of being pregnant, DB always seems so happy and smiling. (Although he tried to tell me last night that it was more of a look of fear, sheer terror and uncertainty in his face.. righttttt.... You shoulad seen him rubbing my belly last night.... yeah right like he doesnt want one....). I think deep down, regardless -- if it happens "spontaniously", the men always seem to be happier about it then if its planned. Atleast thats the vibe i get from my DB. If your husband is still at that middle point -- Try asking him if you can try to concieve, but do so without really trying -- come off the BCP -- regulate your harmones, and just DTD whenever you feel like it -- he might feel pressured and that would be bad.
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DH: Joseph (33) (Oligoasthenoteratospermia)
DS1: Johnathan "J.J" (4.5)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IVF #1: October 2008
July 22, 2009: Johnathan Jarrett is born! 10:41 am, 7lbs, 12oz, 21.5 inches

FET #2: March 2013 (Medicated cycle)
November 25, 2013: Lucas Ryan is born! 8:46 pm, 8lbs, 8oz, 20 inches (No epidural!)
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  #8  
September 28th, 2006, 10:20 AM
Star's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,722
Take my boyfriend. We agreed on ONE baby. After Briana was born he said "so for the next one...." um, what? Let me heal from the first one please!
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