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  #1  
September 28th, 2006, 07:50 PM
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I posted this elsewhere as well, but that was before I realized I shoulda posted it here.

I'm not sure where else to go with this issue and since I'm due May 24, 2007 thought I'd start here. I just found out Im pregnant about a week ago. Although this was an unplanned pregnancy, I still love and want this baby. My ex, who i was with 4 and a half years or so, does not want this baby. He is extremely angry at me for getting pregnant.......he seems to have skipped sex ed classes!! But nonetheless, I'm still in love with him, very much so in fact. Within this last week he and I have fought so much. I thought he was coming around, in that he was starting to really think about how life will be with this baby. Tonight everything blew up in my face. He told me he wants nothing to do with me until the baby is born and is moving on with his life. This is causing me huge amounts of stress and I know stress isn't good for the baby......but I dont know whats worse trying to move on with my life without him (thus causing me stress cuz i'm always gonna wonder bout him) or trying to work on him coming around.

I'm so scared of parenting on my own. I know that many have done it before me and many will do it after. But I never pictured myself this way and I'm so hurt and heartbroken that he doesnt want me in his life anymore. Both a pregnancy and a break up are hard enough on their own, how do i deal with both at the same time! I'm so in love with him and so hurt at the same time. I can't imagine him being with anyone else and he's intentionally trying to hurt me now. I warned him by him causing me stress he also is causing the baby stress. I know he cares bout this baby even if he doesn't really say it.

Any advice? Please
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  #2  
September 28th, 2006, 08:46 PM
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First I want to congratulate you on your pregnancy and welcome you to the Unplanned board!! My name is Amanda, I'm 20 years old, and due with my first child on October 8th. I'm really sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this issue right now (as if you aren't stressed enough!). An unplanned pregnancy can be a very scary time for some people. How long were you and your ex broken up before becoming pregnant? If he just barely called it quits when you found out then I would say to give him a little space right now. My fiance flat out told me to get an abortion or he was leaving when we first found out. I personally didn't want that and told him that I would basically see him in court in 9 months then. He then told me he was just saying that to scare me because he was so scared himself. It took my fiance a while to come around about being a dad. If you met him today and asked him what he thought about our unborn daughter you never would have guessed he ever had any doubts or fears in the beginning. Definitely give him some space right now. I hope everything works out for you, try to keep your stress down (I know easier said then done), and please stick around!!
Amanda
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  #3  
September 29th, 2006, 05:30 AM
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Thanks for the advice. I'll def be sticking around!
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  #4  
September 29th, 2006, 07:25 AM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well, wow. What a doozy!

First I went through the same situation, only I wasn't pregnant, but it still hurt like hell. Having his baby could only make it worse. Well, this is deffinately the time when you need friends and support by your side. I know it sounds harsh, but why chase someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you? Why would you waste your time in giving him an ego boost? Unfortunately life has to go on, heartbreak or not. You baby will be loved by you, and your ex will be the one missing out truely. You can't force someone to be a good daddy, or a good boyfriend, you can only hope. But is he worth the hope? Probably not. So be strong for you and your child, smile because it can only do you good, and get invovled in activities that will benefit you and the baby. It will help you take your mind off this jerk, and release your stress. Try prenatal yoga or pilates, go for a walk with your mp3 player, get your hair done, whatever you have to do to make you feel worth it and leave his butt in the dust!!! Good luck to you hun, and I wish you a very happy and healthy pregnancy! Don't let him ruin one of the most magical experiences in your life.
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  #5  
September 29th, 2006, 11:34 AM
Star's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would also suggest some sort of physical activities to keep your mind off of him and to reduce stress. If there was one thing I learned from my doctor: you can never walk enough when you're expecting!
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  #6  
September 29th, 2006, 12:05 PM
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You love this baby and want this baby, so keep it You can do it on your own whether you realize it now or not. If your ex wants to act this way, let him, keep yourself busy and keep your mind off of him. You are right, the stress isn't good for you or the baby, so get started on some creative activities, after all you've got a precious lil baby coming soon, start planning ahead. I've been in this situation with Caiden's father and I thought I wasn't going to survive without him and blah blah blah, but you know what, in the end im doing so much better than him, and my son and I are so much better off without him. My life moved on and now im with somebody I know I could not picture my life without, and he is amazing. Give it time, life always works out in weird mysterious ways.
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  #7  
September 30th, 2006, 01:01 AM
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Hi there - I am not pregnant but I love to help when I can and share a story or two - so I will
I know this is a hard situation for you...a very close friend of mine went through something very simmilar just a couple of years ago. Only she even thought of committing suicide, she was at wits end with all of it.
She had been with her boyfriend for about 4 years, then as soon as she found out she was PG, that was the end of him, we like to say he pulled a "###### and get". He and his family tried to convince her to have an abortion. Which she btw did not want. And he was an complete butt head towards her and at one point told her that if she ever wanted to see him again then she had to get rid of the baby...can you belive that?
But with the help of her family and friends (one of which was me), she got through her pregnancy. And you know that big ***** came to the hospital when she had the baby. But after a week or so he decided that being a dad wasn't his thing. So there we all were again helping her pick up the pieces...only this time she was much stronger. She raised her little girl by herself - and when her DD was a few months old she started dating someone new (up until this point she had sworn off of love btw) and you know, by the time her daughter was 2 - they were married. And I have never been more happy for her, He is a wonderful person and loves my buddy's DD as if it were his child. Her DH went on to adopt her DD and they now have 2 more childern.
But I bet if you asked her all those years ago if she thought she would ever have a happy ending she would have said no....but you know...she is one of the happiest people I know.
Trust that everything happens for a reason....and although you feel torn and heartbroken, this will pass....and when you hold your baby for the first time, you will feel a whole new way to love I wish you the best. Reach out to those who care for you, they will help you through this!
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  #8  
September 30th, 2006, 10:33 AM
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I have to admit yesterday I was a mess. Thinking all kinds of crazy things. Today I went and spoke to my pastor who along with all of you wonderful women have given me a new sense that I can do this, with or without him. Thank you all so much!!
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  #9  
September 30th, 2006, 10:41 AM
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I'm glad to hear that you got to talk to someone!! I'm also glad to hear that you know that you can do this single or not. I really hope that you stick around and please feel free to talk about ANYTHING with us!!
Amanda
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  #10  
September 30th, 2006, 06:12 PM
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Congratulations and welcome!! I'm more of a lurker here since I'm not currently pregnant but all three of my pregnancies were unplanned and ON BIRTH CONTROL!! LOL. Anyway, my daughter's dad and I were together for about six weeks when I found out I was pregnant. He stuck around for the next four months but became more and more abusive and controlling. I broke it off about 4 months into the pg. He claimed she wasn't his for the rest of my pregnancy. Then after I got a DNA test done he said he was going to sign over his rights just so he wouldn't have to pay support. Now he's paying support and comes around about once a month. Oh and did I mention he "forgot" to pick us up from the hospital when she was born? Believe me there's a lot of jerks out there but parenting is a rewarding job in itself and well worth the stress. Give him lots of space and if he doesn't come around don't push the issue. Tell the hospital you don't know who the father is. Then if he wants to see your baby he'll have to go to court, get a DNA test, and all that. I wish I wouldn't have forced Gemma's dad to be in her life so that my FH could adopt her. Just don't feel bad about missing him. It's normal to grieve and be hurt but you have a new life to think about and that's a bigger blessing than any man God could send you. Congrats and GL!!!!
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  #11  
October 3rd, 2006, 01:19 AM
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First and foremost, i want to say congratulations on being pregnant.

I wanted to tell you that being pregnant is a blessing and should be taken as such. I know that it is a scary feeling finding out that you are pregnant and that you have to go thru it alone, but i will tell you that not only will you survive it but you will make a success of it. Last year I found out that I was pregnant and my baby's dady wanted me to have an abortion. I told him no, and i told him from the very beginning that I was going to have this baby, with or without him. It was a bold declaration, but I was scard out of my wits. I will not lie to you and tell you that it was easy cause it truly is some work. i hated going around to the Dr's by myself cause u would see people with their partners and envy that, would hate going shopping cause it seemed to me that i was the only person doing it alone, but I survived it all.

My advice to you would be that, you should realise that you have someone that is counting on you for their wellbeing, and if it means that you have to sacrifice the love that you feel for your boyfriend, then I would rather you do that than hang around someone who completely disregards you in such a way. My partner never came to see the baby that we had, and I don't hate him (surprisingly), but then I just said all that happens happens for a reason, and maybe we were not meant to be. It is hard to imagine that the person whom you thought that you would end up spending the rest of your life with can turn their back on you over a baby that you created together, isnt it. But be rest assured that it will work out in the end. At the end of it all, you will look back and wonder, why was I ever afraid? Cause I will tell you that having a baby is the most fulfilling thing that you could ever do with your life. Its not going to be easy, but you will make it thru.

Belive in yourself and know that you can do it. I hope that your boyfriend will come around, if not, life goes on. Hang in there hun, and the best of luck.
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  #12  
October 3rd, 2006, 06:57 AM
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Quote:
First and foremost, i want to say congratulations on being pregnant.

I wanted to tell you that being pregnant is a blessing and should be taken as such. I know that it is a scary feeling finding out that you are pregnant and that you have to go thru it alone, but i will tell you that not only will you survive it but you will make a success of it. Last year I found out that I was pregnant and my baby's dady wanted me to have an abortion. I told him no, and i told him from the very beginning that I was going to have this baby, with or without him. It was a bold declaration, but I was scard out of my wits. I will not lie to you and tell you that it was easy cause it truly is some work. i hated going around to the Dr's by myself cause u would see people with their partners and envy that, would hate going shopping cause it seemed to me that i was the only person doing it alone, but I survived it all.

My advice to you would be that, you should realise that you have someone that is counting on you for their wellbeing, and if it means that you have to sacrifice the love that you feel for your boyfriend, then I would rather you do that than hang around someone who completely disregards you in such a way. My partner never came to see the baby that we had, and I don't hate him (surprisingly), but then I just said all that happens happens for a reason, and maybe we were not meant to be. It is hard to imagine that the person whom you thought that you would end up spending the rest of your life with can turn their back on you over a baby that you created together, isnt it. But be rest assured that it will work out in the end. At the end of it all, you will look back and wonder, why was I ever afraid? Cause I will tell you that having a baby is the most fulfilling thing that you could ever do with your life. Its not going to be easy, but you will make it thru.

Belive in yourself and know that you can do it. I hope that your boyfriend will come around, if not, life goes on. Hang in there hun, and the best of luck. [/b]
Thanks very much!
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  #13  
October 3rd, 2006, 04:16 PM
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Hi!
Well, I know you say you love this guy...but honestly, do you love him enough potentially put your health and baby at risk for him? He doesn't seem like he's really willing to go that far for you, so why give him that? He's bailing on you when you need him most! That's NOT love honey. I hate to say it, and I know it sounds harsh, but I really think you and your precious baby would be better off without him. You won't be alone, as much as you think you will be. You have support all over the place! Even all the way from Winnipeg (thats where I live! )
Also, I say if he wants to have nothing to do with you "until the baby's born"....YEAH, GOOD ONE!! You make darn sure you get him to sign something waiving him of ALL parental rights! The very last thing you're gonna want is for him to f-off for god knows how long, and then sometime after the baby's born, he suddenly shows up and acts like he gives a crap! If you let him only come around when HE feels that it's convenient enough for him, you're allowing him to hurt your child in the future. My b/f's dad was like this. There they were, all three brothers, sitting on the front steps waiting for 5 hours for his dad to show like he promised...well, dad never showed! And this was a repetitive thing. Don't let this guy do this to your child. You have the power now to stop it. He has NO right to that to you or his baby! Please, for the sake of you unborn baby, please consider your legal rights and making sure you protect yourself and your baby from him later down the road. It'll save you from TONS of lawyer fees, court costs...And you don't want him to even attempt to take your baby away from you, considering how much of a coward he's being right now. I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of father you want for your baby.
You can take or leave my advice, but at least consider it. I know if Mitch would have pulled that on me, he'd be signing all of his rights away, and right now, he'd be missing out on all these wonderful things that my baby doing! And I know Mitch, he'd be a rotten mess right now knowing he's got a baby out there and he screwed up all chances of EVER getting to know her!
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  #14  
October 6th, 2006, 01:50 AM
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I went through a similar thing when I first found out.. well atfirst I was soo scared I thought I would get an abortion I didn't really think about keeping it.. and then my boyfriend was upset that I didn't want a child with him.. Well tables ended up turning and I knew I could never go through with abortion, and set my mind on keeping my baby.. And my boyfriend ended up not wanting it al all.. Spite this we stayed together.. And it has NOT been easy.. Up until I was 6 monthes pregnant he didn't want it.. he thought he did for a while becuase he thought it would be a boy.. well it ended up a girl and when I told him he slumped over and cried.. I couldn't believe it. So everyday I was struggling to keep MYSELF happy and convince myself I was doing the right thing and I doubted myself so much (preggo horomones dont help!). There were sooo many times I thought, this is it, were breaking up... I even told my mom it was over.. But surprisingly we are still togther..And I still don't know how I feel about it.. I love him with ALLLLLL my heart, I would do anything for him! I wish he would have truely dumped me but I was so scared if I left him I would regret it and never get him back.. So I really don't know what to tell you.. I know its hard and sometimes its not always the easiest to stay together and make things work.. Its been a bumpy road for me but I knowwww how hard it is to just pick up and leave and move on when this is someone who will be apart of your life forever. I am now due sometime this month, and he cannot wait to become a dad. But its been really hard 9 monthes.. All I can say is go with your heart.. DO what you think you need to do.. Remember its scary for a guy to find out he will be a dad.. I just try to remind myself of how I felt at first and how I felt on the days I didn't think I was doing the right thing by keeping it.. Guys can be emotional too, even though they don't like to admit it. But whether or not you guys get back together there are plenty of guys out there who want kids and would love to be a dad! And can respect you and treat you like you deserve.. even though its hard to believe!
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