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I just told my bf last night about me being pregnant. His first words were "I thought you were using them deals?" (contraceptive films) Well, than he just didnt know what to say. Said he just needed to go somewhere and think, which hurt me. I wanted nothing more than for him to sit with me. Then he said he was angry at both of us, because it happened. Told me it was the last thing he and I needed, which in return I told him he wasnt saying anything I didnt realize. Well, he left, he had to go do chores. He came back later last night. I had to ask him to a few times, as he didnt really want to. But then when he was leaving agian, I asked him if he came for me or for him, and he said both. Well, I asked him while he was here the second time if he saw anything positive in this and he goes "theres positive in everything isnt there?" and then I kinda snapped and told him yes there is, but there hasnt been one good thing come out of his mouth. I asked him if he was excited, and he said yeah, a little. We talked about moving in together...but I think he needs time for that one. He has been on his own for so long. Never had a girl live with him. I just want his anger, and his ill feelings to surpass, so the big question to all you ladies was how long did it take for you bf or husband to be okay with it and able to be excited with you. I also asked him about going to dr's with me and he doesnt really want to. How do I make him realize how important this is to me? Any advice or suggestions would be nice. Thanks ladies!
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Hey sweetie! I know EXACTLY how you feel, so don't worry, you're not alone! My boyfriend found out in DECEMBER on the same day that I did! He was standing right there when we read the results from the hpt. So, he has had a LONG while to adjust. Let me just say that he was the one comforting me when we first found out, but he was SCARED and upset because he felt that the timing was all wrong. Well, the timing IS all wrong. I'm going to college full time, just started making decent money at an okay job, and he just started a job where they don't offer insurance so I can't quit mine to stay home w/ the kid until they do. Lots of stuff was going on. Plus we were in the middle of trying to buy a house. He heard the heartbeat at 11.5 weeks when I heard it and he saw the ultrasound at 19 weeks, 6 days and we found out it was a little girl. I think the first time I saw his eyes light up was when he heard the heartbeat and then when he saw her lips on the ultrasound at almost 20 weeks. That was 8 weeks ago. In between appointments he doesn't really act great about having a kid. He's just recently started to really realize that I AM pregnant and he should help me and be more understanding. So, sometimes guys take a while!! You have to patient, because this will probably take more than a day or two. If you love him, and he loves you, then you will get through this, no matter what. It may not be the best timing, but it will work itself out in the long run. Just tell him that you understand his frustration but that he shouldn't be angry with you as it does take 2 to tango. Just let him know that if he wants to talk, you're there to listen, but that he's not going to hold you back from being excited. You can be excited without him hun. Find a support other than him, and lean on them until he decides to come around. That's how I found this site, and I love it. By the way, I was on birth control and we were using condoms about 70 percent of the time when I found out, so you can imagine how completely unplanned my pregnancy was! Good luck, and just be patient with him. After all, he's only a man! LOL Can't expect too much from those type!
Thanks so much. What I think I am going to do is quit asking questions for now. I am going to write him a letter and tell him what I would like and how I feel it will affect just him, just myself, just the baby, us as a couple, and us with the baby. And tell him that I would like a response, and then sometime next week we go to dinner and a movie and then talk some more. Give him a little time to realize how I feel and think of how he feels. BF doesnt show alot of emotion anyways...so I dont know why I expect it now. I am a person who wants answers and a plan now, and I dont think he is that way. Thanks again girl, that really, really helped! My goodness, do these tears ever stop?! LOL
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My b/f acted like it WAS NO BIG DEAL! I would get sooo upset with him, because it's like "Honey, your baby's growing INSIDE me right now!" and he'd kind of just shrug it off like it scared him, or it was too much to handle. He didn't even start REALLY showing any kind of emotion until he saw the baby on the ultrasound. Then he started to realize that there really is a little person in there! He is now scared silly because I am so close to my time, but he loves his son. It takes guys awhile to come around, because they are not going through what WE ARE!! Oh well, we just gotta feel sorry for them!LoL.
My husband is STILL not thrilled with the idea. We found out about this unexpected surprise on April Fool's Day. He was very comforting because I was a wreck but he was not happy at all. If your bf is anything like my husband this may get worse before it gets better. Once it actually sank in a week or two later then the fear and worry kicked in and he REALLY started freaking out. He came to the first appt with me, really just to make sure we were definitely pregnant.
That's how I found this site. I have never been so hurt in my life. He is just now starting to think "maybe it won't be so bad" - UGH! Thank god it takes 9 months- some men need that much time to GROW UP!
He didn't even want to tell anyone. I told him that unless he could talk to me positively about it and be happy that I had the right to tell anyone I felt could be supportive to me. Have you told any family or friends yet? As unfair as it is, you may need to lean on them for awhile.
No, we havent told anyone. We agreed I could talk to a mutual friend of ours, we both trust her alot. What you said really does not make me feel any better, even though I know its the truth. But see, I am not married, I have an apt and live on my own. My family will not help me support this baby, so if he flakes out, I dont know what I would do. I seriously dont have the funds to have a baby, I barely make it on my own with myself. He said thats his biggest worry, was the money. I know he wont flake out, he gets really defensive when I even suggest that he would ever. We did kiss and hug some last night. I just dont like his anger and I dont like how negative he is right now. He did say, when I asked him, that he is excited and that he can see good in this and then goes "what do you think I dont" and I just told him that no I didnt becuase he has not said one positive thing. However, its just been over 24hrs since I told him, I cant expect miracles. I wrote him this big long letter...just explaining how I feel and what I would like to happen. I was very nice and loving abou it hopefully that will help him...Thanks so much ladies...
This is so hard.
Love to you alll, Savannah
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Hey. I'm sorry I didnt answer your PM. Its been a crazy couple of days. But this seems to be the same subject.
My DH didnt have a good reaction. There was alot of tension for about 2 weeks. In all honestly he talked about not keeping the baby. I think it was more of him venting because he didnt know what to do than him really meaning it. It has been a long road but I'm happy with our journey and wouldnt trade it for anything.
One important thing is to come up with a game plan. A game plan for anything and everything. And a budget. That is also very helpful. I think the first tirmester is the hardest part. Physically with morning sickness and all AND emotionally while you tell your family and figure things out. It'll all work out in the end.
Hey girls, thanks so much. I just got off the phone with DB and I asked him if he felt better today and he said yes, and I asked him if he was still as angry and he said no. That made me feel so much better. And we talked how we usually do. Silly how just a little talk can do so much good. Hopefully we'll be on the right path. Thanks ladies...I know you all understand how emotional this is for me!!!! I over analyze every little detail...and I know that doesnt help.
Thanks agian. Take Care.
Love to you ALL, Savannah
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Our baby was unplanned, though we both suspected I was preggo before we found out for sure.
My DH...hmm. Well, I can't say he was *thrilled* when we found out, but I can't say he was totaly against it, either. It was just a bad time - we'd just moved to Anchorage, AK from NJ in November, and then there we were, not 2 months after moving 6000 miles away from home, pregnant. We were both in college, he'd just gotten out of the military, and we were trying to set up a life.
It took him a good month or two to *really* be there for me the way I wanted him to be. He did, too, toss around the idea of an abortion, but that was just totally out of the question for me. It goes against everything I believe (but that's not to say I won't lend a shoulder for someone who decides to get one!). At first I couldn't even talk to him about it, b/c we'd just end up arguing. Money was his big issue, too - as it should be, kid's are expensive - but I really needed some emotional support, you know?
What we ended up doing was having DH re-enlist in the Army, so we had insurance and a guaranteed job and housing and whatnot. He's studying to be a linguist, and we're going to be moving to California within 2 weeks to finish his training. Of course, that route's not for everyone!!
We also, before finalizing our decision on the military, looked into re-locating. I'm not sure where you live right now, but in AK and NJ the cost of living is HIGH, so it would have been impossible for us to live without the military! We were looking into moving to TX, or somewhere in the mid-west. Hell, out there you can rent a 3 bedroom house for $900/month! In NJ, it's like, $2500/month for a 3 bedroom!
Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. Maybe you two can look into re-locating, if it will be tight to live where you are. You should check and see if you qualify for WIC, and Medicaid and stuff. The more assistance you get, the better off you'll be - not to mention, then some of your worries about money can abate, and you can concentrate on being exciting about your beautiful baby.
Aw! Well, it sounds like your boyfriend is starting to come around!! Don't worry hun! It does take men a while, but he WILL eventually come around. It sounds like he's really scared right now. Maybe with some time he will be okay. Just remember that he's scared, not angry. He might be using his anger to cover up the fact that he IS scared because that's what men do!! Anyways, with time, it will get better and once that baby is here, you and him will both be so in love with the baby and each other that you'll forget all of this.
Oh, and no, the tears don't stop! They get worse the further along you get!! *Sorry, but they do!!!* Just realize that you're GOING to be emotional, and try to cope the best you can with it!
I have a different reaction that happened to me and my b/f. I went into the bathroom by myself and took the test and it came back positive right away. Well somewhere between hearing the first shocked blood-curdling "oh my god!" coming out of the bathroom and actually coming into the bathroom he excepted the fact. He was just like ok were having a baby and that was that. Me on the other hand, I'm still having a really hard time with this. It's been really hard for me to accept. Just thought I would share my story.
I don't think we should be ashamed to not be thrilled at first when we find out about an unplanned pregnancy. It's a life altering, mind-bending adjustment to make. I cried every day for the first 2 weeks and was miserable for the first month. Of course the hormones and the morning sickness don't help your outlook. And I've ALWAYS wanted a baby, we just didn't plan to do it right now.
I just think that a lot of women are ashamed to voice their conflicted feelings. I've been telling everyone how freaked out, worried and scared I am. I have been shocked by how many women told me they felt the same way even with planned pregnancies. That has helped me calm down and not feel ashamed.
I think there's a reason it takes 9 months
I am 13 weeks now and just coming to terms with this and starting to get excited!
When did you find out?
I think my husband accepted the fact that he was going to be a daddy but until last week it didn't really click. Last week he saw the u/s and saw the fingers and toes and the baby flipping around and to9ld me he fell in love at that moment. Now he kisses my belly all the time (at 3:30 AM before leaving for work especially) and keeps saying "make sure you drink enough water for little one" and stuff. I was worried it wouldn't really click until baby was here, but suddenly there was this turn around from "there's nothing I can do till it's here" to "thats my baby in there and I'm going to make sure I do what I can to make sure it's healthy"
Well I thought I'd continue the discussion. You don't know how good it feels to find others in the same type or predicament. I've looked at so many other sites and forums, and this is the first one with this topic.....
I'll just come out and say this is not a happy pregnancy for me so far. This is my 3rd pregnancy. I had a child at 18 whom I gave up for adoption to his father's family. This first pregnancy is the hardest to get to get over because I was alone in that the whole time. Not telling anyone, no friends no family because of my fear that I was a failure and so on since I just started an out of state university . I had the baby on my own. Towards the end of my pregnancy I had to tell the legal birth father, and his family wanted to adopt the baby. Then my second pregnancy I had terminated because I was once again afraid, and not quite ready to be a mother to someone I was with only 2 months. 4 years later I'm still with the same b/f. Now we are pregnant again. At first it seemed like he was excited, but soon after it was gone for him. He talked to me about how it seems our relationship is growing apart and how he couldn't get over me not telling him about quitting the pill. I did tell him that I was going off the pill. I didn't know I had to broadcast it each time, but I should have before we had sex So there is my f*&^ up. So then you could see the resentment in his eyes, but he'd always say he doesn't blame me. He says he doesn't know if there will be an "us", but he wants there to be an "us". So I told him we should work it out, and we agreed on giving each other space.
In the past 3 months he's slept in the extra bedroom on the floor saying it's because his back hurts sleeping on the bed. Then he moved his toothbrush and toothpaste to the other bathroom. He never holds me or really wants to be around me. We don't really spend time together unless it's an event we're both expected to be at. In the past 3 months I've tried talking to him, about what' I'm feeling and what he's feeling. I mean if we do sleep side by side it's because I ask to sleep by him. In the past 3 months that as been 3 times. Sex only 2 times. Anyways when we had those talks he'd get frustrated and even more distant. So I realized that talking was getting us nowhere. He goes to the club every weekend. He complains he has no money but always goes out to eat, the movies, to shoot pool, or to the club. Then there is his new "girl" friend whom he's been hanging with and confiding in. His friend whom he confides in says to rest assured he has no intent on straying. It's not that I'm jealous, it's more envy. Here's his friends having all this attention or he wants to spend time with and I'm all alone. It's not like I don't have friends, but it's not the same. I've been working my self esteem to not feel needy, but the fact I get no contact is what's really hard. Hormones don't help either. I'd run the worst case scenarios in my head because he'd be out till 5 am in the mornings. No courtesy call that he's ok. He says he worries, but I don't believe him. If he did he'd be around once in awhile. He does go to the Dr's visits and he does clean the cat litter and do dishes. But it's like being with a distant person. I don't like this person he's become. We did talk about his fears though. And I believe he's acting on those, but I could be totally wrong. I don't really have anyone to talk about this kind of stuff too. He's afraid because now he'll have a child depending on him. He's afraid because life is going to change forever. He's afraid because he feels we'll be stuck in this town forever. Lately he's not as cold in his attitude except for the last few days. He was doing better last week, but he's just been hot and cold. Better than the a-hole "don't talk to me you plague" attitude before.
Everyone tells me to do what's best for me and the baby. I know that but it's hard, and stressful. I mean when it comes down to it we both have 2 decisions. Stay together or leave. I told him not to stay because of the baby, and with him being the way he is it's not like him to stick around so I'm not sure why he is to be honest. I know what I want, which is to work things out. Things weren't so aweful before this whole deal. I just don't know what he wants, and he doesn't either. All he says is that he wants to hang out with his friends and relax. Basically escape the ordeal. Now there's a new monkey wrench which is he'll be laid off in August because they outsourced his job. After we were trying to plan our trip to his friend's wedding he says he's not going, and that I should go in his place. I told him I'd rather pay for him to go since he's in the wedding party. I made suggestions of how to get extra money and he got pissed. Snapped at me in an email saying he'd rather save money and that he has a lot of sh*% to think about now. Basically it was the F-OFF. All I can say to sum it all up (and I'm sorry for rambling) is that he's being selfish. He says he's supportive but I feel emotionally abandoned.
To be on the safe side of doing what is best for me, I have a plan B. I just don't want to be impulsive which is how I work. If things don't go my way, I change it immediately or force it to work. I noticed this relationship is already so ######ed fragile. I don't want to be forceful. I'm trying to be patient but I don't want to be wrong about my patience. In fact I'm going to see a psychologist to get past my depression I've fallen into. I guess I'm confused. I just need some advice or support. In fact reading all these stories has made me feel that I'm not alone.
Took my dh it seemed like FOREVER to just "get over it". I took a test about 4 days before Halloween last year, I didnt tell I was testing, although I had menioned I was a few days late, but nothing to worry about... So I tested, and obviously it was positive, so I sat there for a minute trying to figure out how I was going to tell him. See we had the one more baby discusion about a month prior and he just wasnt going for it, we have 2 children a boy and girl.
I just handed him the test and said "we're pregnant" he was sooo shocked, he didnt say a word for a minute. He said I cant be mad at you because its both our fault, but he wished I had told him I was testing to get a mental preparation. SO bad on my part. Anyhoo, he was shocked & upset for a while, but now he's getting excited about the baby coming in just over a month.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. My bf says he still hates the idea. But also said that doesnt mean he hates me or the baby. He wasnt ready, nor was I for this baby. We didnt want kids until later in life and we should have been married. However, its here and now.
Your bf could just be VERY SCARED. I dont know. I just dont want you to get your hopes up, if deep down inside you think he will flake out. That will hurt you. I know how you feel though. I depend on BF's happiness so that way I know how happy I can (or how I think I should) be about this baby. I need his support.
"If things don't go my way, I change it immediately or force it to work." I am the same exact way, and I have to have a solution that very instant or I feel very upset. My head spins constantly as well, worse case to best case scenario, all the time. You are not alone.
If you need anything, you can always PM me.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, and try not to stress too much. It is bad for the baby.
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