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childsupport?? (kinda long)


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  #1  
March 31st, 2007, 10:19 PM
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So I've been reading on here four a few hours now and decided I should get some advice on my current situation.

I am approx. 19 weeks preg, or so the doctor told me about a month ago when I found out, talk about being surprised. Anyways, I told the father immediately and his reaction was interesting to say the least. He hugged me, he cried, then he told me how he just doesn't think he can do this (he currently has a girlfriend whom he was apparently cheating on with me). He just turned 24 (last weekend actually) and I'm 19, I'll be 20 by the time the baby's born though, and its hard for me to understand how I'M supposed to do this when he can't. He had a kid when he was like 16 or something and he gave it up for adoption which I'm sure was hard and all, but its not like that's what I'm doing, its completely different. Anyways right after I told him his girlfriend found out from someone I had thought was a friend (this was a mistake) and he called me freaking out, I didn't really give a crap and still don't but his girlfriend called me later and was all trying to talk to me, I told her to leave me alone then called and told him that she somehow had my number. He was all apologies and half whispering how sorry he was on the phone. Like that changes anything. I called him over a week ago and told him we need to talk because last we had talked in person I had told him I'd think things over and get back to him regarding child support and the likes; he was of course busy its appears for quite awile he'll be "busy" or rather he'll be avoiding me. I go in for my ultrasound Tuesday to find out the sex, then Tuesday afternoon I have to have my gallbladder removed ( thats what I was supposed to have done a month ago but found out I was preg and didn't know how far along yet) I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling a bit, I haven't really gotten to tell anyone any of this since he's freaking out so much. Anyways, what I'm trying to figure out is if I should ask for childsupport (which he claims he can't pay even tho he lives at his parents house rent free and works full time) or if I should have him sign over parental rights or just not list him on the birth certificate. I really want him to be involved with the baby, but I can't make him love something and I'm not sure if I could handle him being able to take the baby away from me ever. When I first told him he said he'd be involved and pay when he could as long as noone knew the baby was his, I was not too receptive to this. The hardest thing is I've known him for nearly 4 years and he used to be one of my best friends and now I'm just not sure what to do. I ran into him and his girlfriend the other day and all I can think of now is "what is that happens wen the baby is born?" I live in a fairly small town so its likely to happen. I also know where he works ( a bar which a lot of my friends frequent and I'm sure I'll go to once I turn 21) and lives and all that. Not to mention his friends talk to me sometimes since we all used to hang out together and still would if I wasn't preg. So anyways, I'm just looking for advice on all this and how I should be the next time I talk to him. Thanks in advance!
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  #2  
April 1st, 2007, 03:21 AM
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Oh my, what a sticky situation!
Life sometimes doesn't turn out the way we plan. But I think there is resolve to your problems. It's clear he is intending on staying with his current girlfriend. He says he can't deal with the pregnancy and having a baby, not necessarily because he doesn't want to, but maybe because he's scared. I suggest figuring out your options. Do you have resources for when the baby comes? If not--you can find plenty on this board. Do you have any family members nearby to offer support? Tons of women raise children alone and with very little support. It's possible! I think you should continue to try and talk to him. If he doesn't, kindly remind him he has responsibilities and everything would be a lot easier if he would step up. Don't get ugly because that makes things worse. As far as child support goes, he has to pay if he's the biological father. Keep us posted on what is happening. Sorry I can't really be of more help! We're here for you.
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  #3  
April 1st, 2007, 08:42 AM
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My family is behind me on this and everything, my sister actually has a 2 year old herself and the dad's not involved. My mom also had a kid (my brother) when she was younger and his dad hasn't been involved. I think this is why I want my baby to know its dad, I want to prove that its possible for a guy to actually step up. I don't want him to be with me, he can keep his girlfriend, thats fine, whatever, I really don't want him like that, I just want him to want this baby like I do. I just don't understand how you can pretend your own child doesn't exist, especially when you show so much regret over giving your son up for adoption... Financially, it won't be easy at all, my parents don't have a lot of money and are going through a divorce right now, I make decent money, but I'm on short term disability for the surgery and what not. I'm trying to get on some state programs but they all say I make too much. I'm afraid to force him into child support because then he might get custody or something or visitation, and I don't want him to be able to take the baby. I want him to see it, but under supervision. I don't trust his girlfriend not to do something to my baby, she obviously hates me (but not him???) Anyways, I guess I just have to figure this out or something. Thanks
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  #4  
April 1st, 2007, 09:07 AM
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First of all, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.

You either want him to be the father or not.

If you ask for child support count on him getting visitation. You cannot expect him to pay for the child but get none of the benefits of being a Dad. You may be able to get supervised visitation very early on, but that will change when the baby gets older. He will get unsupervised visitation and you cannot do anything about who cares for the child (ie his girlfriend) when he exercises his visitation.

So, you have two choices. Have him sign over his rights (which will also relieve him of having to pay support) or ask for support and deal with him getting visitation and decision making rights regarding your child. Including the right to ask for sole or joint custody.
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  #5  
April 1st, 2007, 09:14 AM
AngelFire22's Avatar Super Mommy
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My situation is fairly the same. I got pregnant while i was with some guy that was with me and some other chick (who i found out later was pregnant as well). Anyway when i told him i was pregnant he got upset and told me to get an abortion and that i'd better not tell any one that i was pregnant and when i didn't cave and say yes to an abortion he said, that he'd only pay child support and nothing else he wouldn't be around and he doesn't want her at all. I was fine with that. She was born March 19 so hopefully he pays up because i really need it. But think about your options. If you don't need the help from child support and you dont' want him in your baby's life at all then ask him to sign away his rights. Don't feel bad about asking for child support he helped create this child your carrying and he should help support her as well. When my baby was born i wanted to claim the father on the birth certificate but he needed to be there to sign the paper and he had already told me that he didn't want to be on the birth certificate so he wasn't gonna come down and sign it. So i couldn't claim him which pissed me off. But think about it carefully you have this child now that you need think about, do whats best for the baby. If you need to talk to someone you can pm.
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  #6  
April 1st, 2007, 09:22 AM
first_time_mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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get child support. Its his child whether he likes it or not. and it'll be his choice whether he wants to exercise visitation or not. granted you cant stop him having it, but you can apply for supervised which makes things a bit easier.

dont let him hide from his responsibilities. a baby is not just something you can get bored with.

and CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. i hope you stick around!
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  #7  
April 1st, 2007, 10:47 AM
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Right now I'm just not sure where to go, its not that I really want his money, I could use it sure, but I'll live without it. I just want him to give a #####, and maybe that's asking too much. I just don't know if I can do this... he's been one of my best friends for so long and he's usually the one that I turn to when I need help. I just don't know who to turn to now that he's the problem. Sure my family is there kinda, but its not the same... I know he'll sign over parental rights if I ask him to, he's too afraid to piss me off by refusing. I'm just not sure how I'd handle running into him once the baby's born...or if I'll be able to handle it...
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  #8  
April 1st, 2007, 01:21 PM
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Quote:
So I've been reading on here four a few hours now and decided I should get some advice on my current situation.

I am approx. 19 weeks preg, or so the doctor told me about a month ago when I found out, talk about being surprised. Anyways, I told the father immediately and his reaction was interesting to say the least. He hugged me, he cried, then he told me how he just doesn't think he can do this (he currently has a girlfriend whom he was apparently cheating on with me). He just turned 24 (last weekend actually) and I'm 19, I'll be 20 by the time the baby's born though, and its hard for me to understand how I'M supposed to do this when he can't. He had a kid when he was like 16 or something and he gave it up for adoption which I'm sure was hard and all, but its not like that's what I'm doing, its completely different. Anyways right after I told him his girlfriend found out from someone I had thought was a friend (this was a mistake) and he called me freaking out, I didn't really give a crap and still don't but his girlfriend called me later and was all trying to talk to me, I told her to leave me alone then called and told him that she somehow had my number. He was all apologies and half whispering how sorry he was on the phone. Like that changes anything. I called him over a week ago and told him we need to talk because last we had talked in person I had told him I'd think things over and get back to him regarding child support and the likes; he was of course busy its appears for quite awile he'll be "busy" or rather he'll be avoiding me. I go in for my ultrasound Tuesday to find out the sex, then Tuesday afternoon I have to have my gallbladder removed ( thats what I was supposed to have done a month ago but found out I was preg and didn't know how far along yet) I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling a bit, I haven't really gotten to tell anyone any of this since he's freaking out so much. Anyways, what I'm trying to figure out is if I should ask for childsupport (which he claims he can't pay even tho he lives at his parents house rent free and works full time) or if I should have him sign over parental rights or just not list him on the birth certificate. I really want him to be involved with the baby, but I can't make him love something and I'm not sure if I could handle him being able to take the baby away from me ever. When I first told him he said he'd be involved and pay when he could as long as noone knew the baby was his, I was not too receptive to this. The hardest thing is I've known him for nearly 4 years and he used to be one of my best friends and now I'm just not sure what to do. I ran into him and his girlfriend the other day and all I can think of now is "what is that happens wen the baby is born?" I live in a fairly small town so its likely to happen. I also know where he works ( a bar which a lot of my friends frequent and I'm sure I'll go to once I turn 21) and lives and all that. Not to mention his friends talk to me sometimes since we all used to hang out together and still would if I wasn't preg. So anyways, I'm just looking for advice on all this and how I should be the next time I talk to him. Thanks in advance![/b]
Okay... I'm going to try to get my thoughts out clearly. First off, you say he was/is one of your best friends but you didn't know he had a gf. That right there is a huge red flag to me. He already gave up one baby. Not that there's anything wrong with adoption but someone who has proven they don't want one baby out of wedlock will probably not want another. Obviously he's trying to stay with his girlfriend since he gave her your number. If he really cared he would be protecting you and his unborn child, not catering to her. You didn't say he whether he was going to be there or not for your surgery but I'm going to assume he's not. That's another big red flag.

Now, on to where my opinion comes in. I dropped out of college and went to the military. When I came home from the military I started fooling around with a guy who was 'just a friend'. One month later I found out I was pregnant. I was also 19 and 20 when my DD was born. Her father denied her until the day she was born. Then he showed up in the delivery room. The next day he promptly 'forgot' to pick us up from the hospital. Unfortunately for you it sounds like this guy is going to be just as on and off. For the sake of you and your child I suggest just forgetting about him as much as you can. If you can live without his money then don't list him on the birth certificate. If he ever grows up and really wants to be in your child's life he can fight for a paternity test and get visitation but at least then you'd know he REALLY wanted to be a dad. Being a single mom myself I can tell you it is not easy but it does get better. I work full time (usually 50+ hours a week), go to school full time, own a home, have my own car, have pets, and take care of Gemma who is now in the throws of terrible twos. The best thing I ever did is quit waiting around for her father to want to be a part of her life. Gemma goes to his parents sometimes. His mother and brother love her to death but he is almost never there when she is. He has a 16 year old gf with an almost 1 year old son that he calls his and he prefers to spend his time with them. At first I thought my daughter would be cheated out of all the good things of a two parent family but then I met my boyfriend and I know he will be a great role model and father figure for my daughter. Just because he didn't donate DNA to her does not mean he can not provide everything else. And having people who love your child is WAY more important than having people that share blood with your child but could care less. GL!
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  #9  
April 1st, 2007, 03:19 PM
sarabella
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My situation is fairly the same. I got pregnant while i was with some guy that was with me and some other chick (who i found out later was pregnant as well). Anyway when i told him i was pregnant he got upset and told me to get an abortion and that i'd better not tell any one that i was pregnant and when i didn't cave and say yes to an abortion he said, that he'd only pay child support and nothing else he wouldn't be around and he doesn't want her at all. I was fine with that. She was born March 19 so hopefully he pays up because i really need it. But think about your options. If you don't need the help from child support and you dont' want him in your baby's life at all then ask him to sign away his rights. Don't feel bad about asking for child support he helped create this child your carrying and he should help support her as well. When my baby was born i wanted to claim the father on the birth certificate but he needed to be there to sign the paper and he had already told me that he didn't want to be on the birth certificate so he wasn't gonna come down and sign it. So i couldn't claim him which pissed me off. But think about it carefully you have this child now that you need think about, do whats best for the baby. If you need to talk to someone you can pm.[/b]

I'm not 100% sure but I think the father needs to be on the birth certificate in order to get child support from him. You may be forced to get the court to order a paternity test in order to get child support. Shouldn't be that difficult. My sister did it with my nephew 6 years ago.
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  #10  
April 1st, 2007, 05:10 PM
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Quote:
granted you cant stop him having it, but you can apply for supervised which makes things a bit easier.[/b]
Supervised visitation will not make it easier. It will make it much harder. Any time I have seen this happen it has ended in disaster. Usually the kid ends up without a father because he cannot deal with being the mother's puppet.

If you want to deprive your child of his father because you feel the need to be controlling then go this route.
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  #11  
April 1st, 2007, 08:23 PM
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Quote:
get child support. Its his child whether he likes it or not. and it'll be his choice whether he wants to exercise visitation or not. granted you cant stop him having it, but you can apply for supervised which makes things a bit easier.

dont let him hide from his responsibilities. a baby is not just something you can get bored with.

and CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. i hope you stick around![/b]

I totally agree. Put his name on the BC, I think you will regret not putting his name on it in the future.
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  #12  
April 1st, 2007, 10:29 PM
AngelFire22's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
I'm not 100% sure but I think the father needs to be on the birth certificate in order to get child support from him. You may be forced to get the court to order a paternity test in order to get child support. Shouldn't be that difficult. My sister did it with my nephew 6 years ago.[/b]
Yea i think i do need him on the birth certificate to get child support, but this way i get a paternity test and prove to everyone that i'm not lying, that she really is his. Thats what i want the most cause right everyone thinks i'm lying.
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  #13  
April 2nd, 2007, 06:12 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
granted you cant stop him having it, but you can apply for supervised which makes things a bit easier.[/b]
Supervised visitation will not make it easier. It will make it much harder. Any time I have seen this happen it has ended in disaster. Usually the kid ends up without a father because he cannot deal with being the mother's puppet.

If you want to deprive your child of his father because you feel the need to be controlling then go this route.
[/b]

While some women may use supervised visits as a form of control, some use it as a form of protection for their children. She said in her post she was worried about how the girlfriend would treat her child. I think if there is any doubt in your mind then you should do whatever it takes to make sure your baby is okay. That's not controlling, it's sensible. Why should he be catered to and coddled to be a father?
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  #14  
April 2nd, 2007, 06:35 AM
sarabella
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I agree. When my nephew's father decided he wanted to part of his life again, my family feared that he'd just take him and run and we'd never see him again. Luckily, my sister has full custody and can decide when and where his father sees him. It took a long time before we trusted him enough with our angel to take him for overnight visits and the such.
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  #15  
April 2nd, 2007, 10:17 AM
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as for him being on the birth certificate, he'll sign a VOP form and be on the birth certificate I'm sure. Its not that he's denying its his, he knows it is. He just doesn't want his friends or family to find out. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to go ahead and have him sign over parental rights. I thought talking to other people about this would help me, but it hasn't. I read what some of you have wrote and feel about 2 inches high for being so naive or for trusting someone. As for his girlfriend, he's been with her on and off, I didn't know they had gotten back togeter. Anyways, thanks for the advice some of you have provided and I wish you all the best of luck.
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  #16  
April 2nd, 2007, 11:17 AM
Chellybella's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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as for him being on the birth certificate, he'll sign a VOP form and be on the birth certificate I'm sure. Its not that he's denying its his, he knows it is. He just doesn't want his friends or family to find out. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to go ahead and have him sign over parental rights. I thought talking to other people about this would help me, but it hasn't. I read what some of you have wrote and feel about 2 inches high for being so naive or for trusting someone. As for his girlfriend, he's been with her on and off, I didn't know they had gotten back togeter. Anyways, thanks for the advice some of you have provided and I wish you all the best of luck.[/b]

I hope your feelings change. He is the one who should feel 2 inches high, not you. There isn't fault in trusting someone. I too found out far into the pregnancy that I was pregnant. I went from thinking I was not pregnant to taking a test and finding out I am almost halfway through my pregnancy. Trust me, I know how much of a shock it is. I have been with the father of the baby for almost two years now, we have known each other for over ten years ( we were high school sweethearts, lost touch and each of us married and divorced other people ane reconnected) When I told him I was prego, he nearly ordered me to have an abortion. I cried and told him I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. When he found out how far along I was he ordered me to give the baby up for adoption. I told him that he had two choices, to stick around and help raise his child or leave and sign over parental rights. ( I really wanted him to stick around but was solid in my decision and didn't want to force him and make him feel trapped.) It took nearly 3 weeks for him to finally tell me he would be sticking around. Another week after that we discussed him being in the delivery room. Every day he comes around a little more. He still hasn't told any of his family, and although it's killing me I am trying to give him the time and space he needs to let this all sink in.

The point I am trying to make is, even the best of men have the potential to freak out about this. I think it's different for women because this baby is growing in our bodies and our hormones are already helping us along to love our babies. Men see the practical side of it immediately (not all of them, but some) they feel trapped and the freak out. Give this some time. I know it feels like everything is happening so fast but you do still have time to make this decision. Don't rush it. Take a bit to worry about you and your baby and do what you need to make yourself healthy and happy. Then come back to this and think about what you will do. In the meantime it will give him some time to come to his senses, and if he doesn't and chooses to sogn away rights and not have anythign to do with his child, then that will be his loss.

I hope you do stick around.
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