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anyone with an older unplanned child?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
April 7th, 2007, 05:09 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 2,554
I was just wondering if any of you had an unplanned pregnancy and your child is now older. A friend of mine presented me with this.........
She had her DD a little over 6 years ago, wasn't sure who the father was between 2 guys she had been seeing off and on -
one of the guys only wanted to be with her (even after the baby) wanted nothing to do with the baby
and the other guy turned out to be a real wacko
So short verson, neither guy wanted a paternity test, and she didn't care, she knew it was her baby and if they didn't want to know...then so be it -
So consiquently, neither one was on the birth certificate.
A few years after have her DD she married a super nice man who LOVES her DD, and he ended up adopting DD a couple of years ago.

Now here is the tricky part. She is asking me should she tell DD that DH is not her biological father, at what age, what should she say??? The little one has never known any father but him and he has been great with her and his wife - and she is worried that the dd will feel like someone didn't want her, or not feel as close to her dad. Those types of questions. And I am not really sure how to answer her. I was just hoping maybe someone on her had some experience like this and could lend a little advice.
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  #2  
April 7th, 2007, 07:21 AM
Gorman
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I never got to know my biological father - but my 'Dad' adopted me when i was a year old and I never knew anyone else but him as my father. I always remember my Mom and Dad being honest with me and telling me that he was not my biological father, but he was my daddy. I never thought anything of it - because it was the norm for me. I'm so glad my parents told me from the beginning, because I think as you get older - say a teenager and you find out, emotions and hormones run crazy and it will be really hard on her. I say be honest - then you have nothing to fear and nothing to hide from someone that you love. She can always look back and think 'I was completely honest and did the best I could for her'. I know that my biological father did want me and tried to get me, but didn't succeed - do I blame my mother - heck no! She did what was in my best interest.
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  #3  
April 7th, 2007, 08:18 AM
Tikka's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Manitoba Canada
Posts: 1,505
I have an aunt who got pregnant at a very young age and ended up keeping the baby without be involved with the biological father. When she met and married her husband, he adopted and assumed the child as his own. THe thing is, they NEVER told my cousin, who is now a grown man and erronously thinks that my uncle is his natural father. I think that it is sad that so many other people know the truth, and even more so that my cousin has been led to believe a lie for so long. If and when he finds out he will more than like likely be devasted

IMHO the sooner she is told, the better. It seems that it is much easier to deal with when kids are younger.

Good luck to your friend and her family!
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  #4  
April 8th, 2007, 08:54 PM
the_elmel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That is a very sticky situation.
My Father's biological Mother was involved with a man that did not want to be a parent. She was having an exclusive relationship with this man so she knew he was the biological Father. He signed the birth certificate but signed over his parental rights. He left and she began raising my Dad (Frank) and when he was a year old or so she met another man. He adopted my Dad and they raised him as their own. My Dad didn't find out the man he thought was his biological Father wasn't until he was 16. He was searching for his birth certificate for some sport and saw the signature was not the man he called Dad.

My Dad was literally STUNNED. He had never suspected this. It was hard for him to cope and he never really got over it. His relationship with his "Dad" was never the same after that. They used to be really close but then he felt completely betrayed. He died years ago and my Dad hadn't seen him before that in years. To this day it's hard for him to talk about it.

But I think every kid is different when it comes to finding out they are adopted. Some kids take it really hard like my Dad but others really don't mind.

I personally think it shouldn't be kept because eventually it might come up and they will be resentful. What if there is a medical condition and family members have to be tested for a transplant? What if someone spills it in the family?

But really it's a personal choice as to what to do.
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