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expecting 4th child, totally unplanned.


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
May 16th, 2007, 02:09 PM
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Hi everyone,

I am new here. To be quite honest, it has took me a couple of months to want to even talk about my situation.

I have 3 beautiful children. All 3 planned. my eldest is Autistic, but high functioning, and my other 2 are in regular parameters. my youngest is 2 almost 3, and is a high energy girl !

I am currently almost 18 weeks along in this pregnancy. It has been a very hard time for me emotionally.

To me, my family was complete, I had no intentions of having any more. I was on birth control, my husband was on a waiting list for a vasectomy. I was sick in the winter, and on a variety of medicines,..we think somehow it through my cycle off, or interfered with my birth control.

I have a very busy life,I have my own business which revolves around animals, I have my kids, our place, etc,..and am probably already running on empty somedays.

When I first figured out I was pregnant, I was shocked, and very upset. I do not want another baby. I have never been depressed, or experienced depression in my life, until this happened. I had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, for awhile, so I do believe I was experiencing depression.

About 2 weeks ago, I started feeling better. I wouldn`t say I am happy, but I have resigned myself to the fact, another baby is coming.

I am taking good care of myself, and the baby. I don`t feel anger towards the baby, and am taking my prenatal vitamins, and staying away from anything negative.

...but I still cannot get into the "happy" aspect of another child. I feel indifferent. I can`t really find one aspect of being able to "look forward" to anything.

This is hard to admit, as I have always been "child oriented" I enjoyed my 3 children, I had natural births, felt very close to them, and marveled in the whole process. Never have I felt, like I do now.

My husband is excited, but I think he is afraid to be openly excited. I have told him he can talk about the baby all he wants, and it is OK to be excited. Someone needs to be excited for the little gaffer !

I haven`t told my family, or friends. I really don`t want to think much about it until I get to the point where I can`t manage my job, or daily routine on my own.

The biggest worry is my lifestyle/job. Having animals as a business,..you can`t just look at them and say "I am taking time off" they need 24/7 care, and I am their sole responsible/able caretaker.

I have been trying to watch shows on TLC and on channels, to remind myself what I loved about pregnancy, and babies, but its not working. I see the spit up, and the diapers, and feel overwhelmed, already !

My biggest problem, is lack of motivation. I am looking after myself physically, but find myself putting off appointments to the Dr.`s, or not caring about certain tests, ultrasounds etc.

I feel like I am really paying for my past 3 joyous experiences.


Anyone been through this ? Any "shocked" mothers I see, are always first time mothers. *sigh* (no offence 1st timers)

thanks for reading.
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  #2  
May 16th, 2007, 04:34 PM
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I am a first time mom-er.. but I do kind of understand. DH and I were NOT trying at all.. and we really didn't want children period.. I was devastated when I first found out.. I'm not too far behind you.. and I still have days where I have my doubts..

I don't know what to say other than the fact that this will all work out in the end.. good luck, and even though you're not excited about the pregnancy, I'm sure you will be excited about the baby itself.
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  #3  
May 17th, 2007, 12:40 PM
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Thanks Jax,..We certainly all have our different stress factors,..thank you for taking the time to reply. I hope your pregnancy goes well.
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  #4  
May 17th, 2007, 01:43 PM
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I know exactly how you feel! I was on birth control and my husband had a scheduled vasectomy in February - I found out I was pregnant in January... not good. This is my fourth baby too. I have two boys and finally had my little girl - things were perfect. I was severly depressed the first three months, but when I hit about 18-20 weeks and started to feel the baby, I felt much better about things. I am overwhelmed most of the time between work and kids and being a wife... you name it. I just had to start really thinking about the important things in life. I don't worry so much about the things that don't matter - I think about my family and my marriage more. My life used to be totally work - so unhealthy.

Good luck. I know for a fact that it will work out for you and your family. There are still times when I feel really scared thinking about going back to diapers... and of course being up at all hours at night, but I did it three other times and I realize that it is only temporary.
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  #5  
May 17th, 2007, 10:00 PM
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I am also pg with my 4th baby. Mine was also unplanned. I have 3 little boys with my oldest being 11 and my youngest being 3. My oldest son is also autistic. He has aspergers.

My husband and I split about a year and half ago. I was diagnosed with carcinoma in situ in my cervix shortly before we split. I was told that it would be very difficult for me to get pg ever again.

Well I got with the man I am with now and lo and behold I am now almost 17 weeks pg. My doc was wrong. lol

At first I was happy then reality hit me. now I am just plain scared. I don't know how we are going to make it. I am the only one who brings in any money and I am already having signs of pre-term labor.

My boyfriend seemed happy at first now I'm not so sure. So I am just taking one day at a time for now.
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  #6  
May 17th, 2007, 10:14 PM
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You are not alone! I am 37,married(not too happily) w/ 3 kids ,19,12 & 4, and we found out I was pregnant the day before the Superbowl, when I felt the baby MOVE! We had a positive pg test in November, but then I started bleeding, which continued,heavily,for several weeks. We assumed I miscarried,never suspected I was still pregnant. I never planned on another baby, far from it. We are also financially strapped,and I have had 3 bleeding episodes and 2 hospitalizations due to placenta previa.
When the bleeding episodes occured,I felt so guilty for not wanting the baby,when I thought I was losing him. I have been really bonding w/ him,though, and the time alone in the hospital seemed to help. He responds to both my voice,and he will kick/push/poke back whenever I touch or tap my tummy.
I hope that once you begin to really feel your baby move,things might change for you. It's about all that is getting me thru, the knowledge that this little guy is a real person, and that for some unknown reason to me, he has a purpose in this world. It is hard to not be resentful,though, at the physical pains & all the strains of pregnancy, boredom/isolation due to bedrest, not being able to have intercourse w/ my husband,the money issue,etc. Best wishes to you,I hope things turn for the better for you soon.
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  #7  
May 18th, 2007, 01:40 PM
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I am in the same boat. I have a DD and was content to only have her until my husband finished his residency. We were going to wait until she was at least 4. We got through the infant stage (she cried a lot) and she became this amazing little thing. I LOVE every second with her and she is more fun every day. I am not even excited about this one. I mean, I am trying to be, but I'm not. I feel almost embarrassed when people congratulate me b/c I have to try to fake being happy. I'm not unhappy, but I am not excited. I was unhappy, but now I am more indifferent to this. I mean, I never wanted 2 babies at the same time. I don't look forward to double the diapers, the baths, the feedings, and trying to split my attention between two children that both really need me. I mean, I don't feel like it will hurt my daughter as much as it is hurting me, but I love just reading to her and sitting her on my lap and holding her, and I feel like I am going to rob her of all of this. I resent the fact that I am pregnant and I feel guilty about it. I mean, I have even cancelled and rescheduled u/s's b/c I didn't want to go. I work, my husband is a student and I just don't know how another baby is going to fit into the equation. I really understand how you feel and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I wanted to wait until she was in kindergarten to have another so that my daily attention on baby wouldn't really bother her b/c she wouldn't be around. This is just driving me insane.
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  #8  
May 19th, 2007, 10:11 PM
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Hello Everyone,

Thanks for all the responses. the details with your stories, sure seem to mirror my own !

I remember with my second child, I was very worried about being able to love him, as much as I loved my first one. But when my 2nd boy arrived, It was immediately evident that I had more then enough love to go around. I think that is what keeps me hopeful. When the baby is born, I`ll forget all my worries, and just cope !

I do dread telling people. (family, friends) due to the response of :

"OH ! Congratulations !!!,....*pause* WOW,...4 children huh?"

......I can hear the jokes now.... Ah well.


I have been feeling the baby move for a good week or so,..at first it made me panic,...kind of made things "real" while I was so busy trying to keep from thinking about it.


Jenna : How old is your daughter ? you probably have a signature that says, but in reply-mode I can`t see it. Thanks for your understanding please know, you are not alone either !

Annie : Placenta previa is no fun. I had it with my first son. Luckily it righted itself in the 7th month. And I agree, there must be some reason, unknownst to me, on why these unexpected babies come. right now all I can think is " 1 big Test" though !

Mommywith3boys : My son is also on the Aspergers scale. You must be feeling a lot of stress right now too, a new relationship can really make you wonder how the other partner feels. It might be going through the same as you,.....initially happy, then "reality" set in, and now he is worried too. One day at a time sounds good to me ! Currently I get up about 5:30 am, and roll into bed about midnight. At least I won`t pine for the days when I had "lots" of sleep! (when baby arrives)

Natacha : Thanks. I hope this doesn`t sound awful, but hearing similiar stories, is very helpful. I am hoping that my feelings the past two weeks, means I am starting to come out of the doom and gloom of it all ! I have 2 boys ages 10, 7 and then a daughter age 2 (almost 3)


For my business, I have horses. We raise foals, train horses to ride, and give lessons. I have cut out training horses, but I am still dealing with 1200 lb. animals everyday, so it is stressful, wondering what I will do when I am 8 month pregnant, juggling my 3 yr old, and 2 older children. Many people will frown on me for even being around horses while pregnant, nevermind still riding them. With my past 3 kids, I was lucky, not so many horses were on the property, and my husband could help me easier. I usually ride up until about 6-7 months pregnant.

Since my daughter was born, and I thought I was "done" having children, I really went full steam ahead with our business. triple the horses, and many jobs under contract to fulfill.

I`ll figure out a way,..it just seems overwhelming right now. Like I said earlier, I can`t just lock up my office and go on hiatus. the horses expect food, water, attention,...just like any child would ! lol

good thing pregnancy is 40 weeks,..I have time to figure things out.
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  #9  
May 20th, 2007, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
For my business, I have horses. We raise foals, train horses to ride, and give lessons. I have cut out training horses, but I am still dealing with 1200 lb. animals everyday, so it is stressful, wondering what I will do when I am 8 month pregnant, juggling my 3 yr old, and 2 older children. Many people will frown on me for even being around horses while pregnant, nevermind still riding them. With my past 3 kids, I was lucky, not so many horses were on the property, and my husband could help me easier. I usually ride up until about 6-7 months pregnant.[/b]
I understand this! We have minis and bigs. I was supposed to be training my 2 yr old arab mare this summer but unexpectantly got pregnant. I have a 3 yr old appendix gelding and 13 yr old qh gelding that I will ride till I feel like I shouldn't and can't anymore. DH and I just got married on May 12th, we weren't even trying when we got PG in Feb.

I had been on the pill, depo, and the patch over the last 3 yrs so the doc thought that it would take me 3-6 months or more to even be Oing. I was in total shock and denial when I got the BFP. DH was in shock too. We had talked about us starting a family together but I have a DS from my first marriage and was happy to have him till he was in K at least. DS was 14 weeks premature and has the CP to go with that. I wasn't happy at all that I was PG until the first ultrasound at 9 weeks when we saw the baby and heart beating. What changed everything was seeing DH actually tearing up because this is his first and the ultrasound made everything real. I still wonder if I'm going to be able to love another one as much as I love DS and have as strong of a bond with another one as I do with DS! I worry that one is going to be shoved aside for the other and not get enough attention... I know that everything will work out for all of us when the time comes....
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  #10  
May 20th, 2007, 10:56 AM
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Hi All,
I can relate to the indifference factor. I just found out I am PG with # 6. I had 3 with my ex husband, got divorced, then spent 5 years as a single parent.
I met my wonderfull husband and we had 2 more boys. After, my 5th was born I did not want another baby, but for some reason could not make peace with my husband getting a vasectomy, so he respected this(what an amazing man) and waited until I was ready(Yes ladies, for those of you who do not have this experience,there are real men out there). Needless to say, I found out I was pregant last week. We were both in shock! Totally unplanned. Although neither of us was not very happy, he insisted, despite all our fears that I make the decsision to keep the baby or not and he would support whatever I decided. We talked about it and I decided I could not justify an abortion. We have good jobs, mine is flexible and I don't have to be on my feet all day.I had to drop out of graduate school again. I am still very ambivalent about this pregnancy. I think of all the work ahead and it makes me tired. I know this is normal in the beggining. I guess just the fact that we are all here on this message board shows on some level we all care about our pregnancies, planned or not. Here's to working out all our feelings and having healthy pregnancies(and maybe a girl for me after 5 boys!)
AM
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  #11  
May 20th, 2007, 02:11 PM
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i'm a first timer (hence the name! ) so i dont really understand what you're going thru, but i just want to say that all you ladies are going to be terrific moms, you've already proved that to yourselves with the others and that things always have a way of working themselves out.

I wish you all happy and healthy new babies as well as older children and i have no doubt that each one will be loved and adored and want for nothing.
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  #12  
May 21st, 2007, 08:40 AM
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Quote:
Jenna : How old is your daughter ? you probably have a signature that says, but in reply-mode I can`t see it. Thanks for your understanding please know, you are not alone either !


good thing pregnancy is 40 weeks,..I have time to figure things out.[/b]
My daughter is only 12.5 months old. She's still a baby, which is another reason I think I am resenting this PG. I am more worried about developing postpartum depression b/c of my feelings now. I just want to be excited, but I can't get there. I am 21 weeks today and I wish that I had more than 19 weeks left. I may be having a c-section, which means I could have 17 or so left - AAHHH! I just want to bond with DD for longer and not have to worry about another baby. I really wanted to space them apart. I have yet to find the good in this besides the fact that I am carrying a new life around. I feel like I sound so selfish and I feel awful b/c there are so many women who can't get PG and here I am getting PG so easily. DD took one night and so did this one. That's another reason I was so surprised. We were using a condom this time (DD was planned) and it didn't break.. I mean I know nothing is guaranteed, but WOW.

Thanks for the support.

Keep in touch. Its nice to not be alone.
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  #13  
May 22nd, 2007, 03:00 PM
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Nobody is alone ! This discussion proves this happens more often then we think !


I don`t think we should allow ourselves to feel guilty about our feelings of indifference. the best way to overcome them, is to let yourself feel it. Shock comes in stages, and this is all a part of it. The more we share, the better we all might feel.
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  #14  
May 23rd, 2007, 12:08 AM
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hi girls, I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting except to say congrats to all of you! I am not in the same boat but, have a SIL and Brother who are desperate for a child and a really good friend who after years of infertility adopted twins, children 4 and 5 of a couple that didn't want anymore. They are also considering adopting another set of twins(the boys are four now) that are girls and they are children 6 and 7 of another woman...I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are always wonderful reasons why children are brought into this world and there are always options. I wish the best for all you ladies and your families..

regards

Melanie
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  #15  
May 25th, 2007, 11:38 AM
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Gosh, I can relate to your story. I'm 36 and am pregnant with #4. I thought i was done having kids too. I have 2 with my ex husband who are 13 and 11 1/2. Plus I have a 5 year old with my hubby. This was a totally unplanned pregnancy. I was ready to have my daughter start school and have some me time and start looking for a job since I stay at home with her. I thought the extra income would sure come in handy. Now I'm unsure what the future holds. We are financially strapped and to have another baby feels like a burden. I hate saying that because I love all my children. I had thought of an abortion but I just couldn't do it. So I have feelings of guilt and happiness all together. I feel bad because I have yet to go to the doctor. I guess I still haven't accepted the fact that I am pregnant.

So I'm so glad that I found this thread because I know that I am not alone with how I am feeling. I was really feeling badly.
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  #16  
May 27th, 2007, 02:27 PM
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Annie P,

Thank you for your post. You are not alone ! I think just being able to "air" our feelings, and see that there are others who have similiar issues, and feelings, helps us all cope.

I often have "supermom" syndrome, and wonder if I can give my kids everything they need with a new baby coming. And yes, I mourn the life I have right now.

I know since I posted this, I already feel better. I am now working on coping with reactions, and the guilt -induced type comments that some people will undoubtly try to lay on me. I think I am getting closer to announcing the pregnancy. (I best be, that tummy isn`t the easiest thing to hide, after already having 3 babies, if you know what I mean !

I have a appointment with my midwife tomorrow,...I have thought of backing out at least 30 times, but I am making myself stick with it.

vent as much as you like, I think it helps us all !
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  #17  
May 29th, 2007, 12:04 PM
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I too am pregnant with my 4th, totally unplanned. We had agreed to 3 kids but decided not to get my tubes tied after the 3rd. DH knew all along he didn't want a 4th and I knew that for sure also in December. Dh had just changed jobs and was going to get a vasectomy as soon as his new insurance kicked in. I was on the mini pill but still got pregnant when my youngest was 11 months. I have tried to be happy about it but there are times when I am upset. I found out at my 20 week ultrasound that I have placenta previa. I am very worried about what will happen if it doesn't correct itself in the next few weeks. Dh is gone 12 hours a day for work and works 6 days although shorter hours on Saturdays. I know my mom will watch my kids but the house will fall apart. I volunteer at my county dog pound. There is basically only one other person who transports and fosters dogs so I am worried what will happen when I can't.
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  #18  
June 2nd, 2007, 12:42 PM
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I was just lurking but I wanted to offer some support. I only have one DD but she was unplanned and her dad and I split when I was about 4 months pg. I had to quit my job due to preterm labor and I was on welfare. I felt like there was no way I would ever fufill my dreams in life after I got pg. (I was only 19.) Well for the first year it was really rough. I got a telemarketing job when my daughter was 9 days, YES DAYS, old. I scraped together every cent I could and bought a better car. I went through 3 or 4 jobs that first year just trying to figure out what I wanted to do. Then someone told me about a company that was hiring for Nondestructive Testers. I had no idea what that meant let alone having experience in the field. But I tried anyway and I got the job. I worked there for six months before two idiots sexual harassment got out of control and I quit. I worked doing laboratory work with paint for a few months and then I got a job with another NDT company. I decided I wanted a degree and have been attending classes online for the last 6 months or so (right now I am taking 15 credits). I bought a house, started my new job, started school, and still take care of my two year old. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done but extremely worthwhile. I still have quite a few days when I feel resentment towards my DD but I take that time to remind myself that she's my motivation to accomplish everything I have and am trying to achieve. I'm sure you will all feel the same way.

The last thing I wanted to tell you is that the only thing I regret about my unplanned pregnancy is not enjoying it! Please, please just do your best to enjoy this time. As most of you have said it will be the last time. Don't ever forget that there's a reason for this new person coming and do forget the pain, guilt, or fear of unplanned pregnancy! It will be the best thing you ever do!
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  #19  
June 4th, 2007, 01:38 PM
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I just wanted to check in with you ladies and see how everyone is coping.

I found out over a week ago now that we are having a boy. I became excited for a few days and then the doubts and all of the anxiety I was experiencing before came back. I am still so unsure of how I will handle 2 babies. I mean, I get excited sometimes, but I am still nervous. On top of that, the reactions of others (OMG!! They are so close in age!) is just driving me insane. When did it become okay to judge anyone?

So I am still a little freaked out and this PG is flying by!
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  #20  
June 5th, 2007, 01:32 PM
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Hi Jenna,

I am still up and down about the pregnancy too. my ultrasound is scheduled for next week, can`t say I am EXCITED, but I am curious, so thats a good sign !

there is something annoying about peoples comments when we are pregnant, isn`t there ? lol

My 1st pregnancy I was VERY horomonal,...I remember being 7 months along, and we attended a friends BBQ. In the course of 3 hours, I heard a grandmothers story, of how her 5th child was to big for her pelvis, and her pelvis shattered, she was hospitalized for 6 months. Thats a wonderful story to hear when you are preggers with the first, and terrified of the unknown, isn`t it ? lol

Then, same day, I had some guy bump into me, and ask if I was getting fat, or "just" pregnant ? I eyed up his gut, told him I was glad he brought it up, as I had been dying to ask him the same question.

I have now told a few people about this pregnancy, and emphasised my shock over it. I think people are surprised to hear me be "down", as I am usually such a go-getter. So far reactions have been okie-dokie.

Jenna, congrats on your BOY !
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