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Abortion or Baby?


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
June 30th, 2007, 06:16 PM
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I'm about 9 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend doesn't want to keep the baby because he's not ready. (It's definitely an unplanned pregnancy, so who IS ready?!) He's black and I'm white (which is fine for us, but not so much for my family...mostly my dad...) We've been dating for a year and a half and have been good friends for longer. I have a full time job (that could turn into a career in the future) and I live on my own, (well, with my boyfriend) in a house. I'm financially, emotionally, and physically able to have a baby. I'm only a few months shy of my 21st bday, so I'm definitely young. I need help and advice on:

A.) How to talk to my boyfriend about not aborting the baby and helping him to prepare for fatherhood.

B.) How to break the news to my family that I'm pregnant by my boyfriend and they're going to be grandparents before they turn 40. (My mom got pregnant young, so I think she'll understand a little better...)

I'm very torn on whether or not I should keep the baby because I'm so young, unwed, and the fact that my dad is probably going to checkin to his grave early.

Please help

P.S. Abortion is legal. Woman have the choice. Please don't tell me that it's wrong and whatever because obviously I'm pro-choice. I'm not asking for a morality check, just sincere advice.

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  #2  
June 30th, 2007, 06:25 PM
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First of all I would like to congratulate you on pregnancy. Planned or not it is a blessing.

If you feel you are emotionally and financially ready for a child and you truly want to have the baby, do not let anyone, not even the father talk you into having an abortion.

I cannot offer too much advice on how to talk your bf into accepting the baby, I have no idea how I did it myself but there are many wonderful ladies here who can help you out.

I hope you stick around and update us soon.
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  #3  
June 30th, 2007, 07:03 PM
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Hi there. Welcome to JustMommies and the Unplanned Pregnancy board.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I know you weren't expecting the pregnancy but I agree with Nikki that it is a blessing.

I don't think there is ever a right way to discuss the unplanned pregnancy with your significant other. Right now he's probably shocked and overwhelmed. My Fiance was terribly ill at the thought of being a Father at 21 and didn't know how to handle it. I think it's a typical and normal response to push for an abortion. If anything I think you should really have a long and deep discussion with him about your future together. Map out what might happen in the future if you decide to keep the baby or decide to abort. What will change? Will your relationship be majorly effected? How will you two feel? Educate yourself on pregnancy and abortion before making any decision and definitely give yourself some time to think about it. You don't want to regret something in the future but you also don't want to take on something you can't handle right now.

Since your Mom got pregnant young she will probably understand a lot better than other family members. It will be difficult for the rest of your family if they aren't supportive of your relationship with this man. But you know what, does that really matter? This is YOUR baby, not theirs. You are the only person that can make this decision and no one else should have any influence. Your body, your choice. *hug*

I hope you are able to find a solution soon. Let us know if we can be of any more help!!
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  #4  
June 30th, 2007, 07:18 PM
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Quote:
Hi there. Welcome to JustMommies and the Unplanned Pregnancy board.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I know you weren't expecting the pregnancy but I agree with Nikki that it is a blessing.

I don't think there is ever a right way to discuss the unplanned pregnancy with your significant other. Right now he's probably shocked and overwhelmed. My Fiance was terribly ill at the thought of being a Father at 21 and didn't know how to handle it. I think it's a typical and normal response to push for an abortion. If anything I think you should really have a long and deep discussion with him about your future together. Map out what might happen in the future if you decide to keep the baby or decide to abort. What will change? Will your relationship be majorly effected? How will you two feel? Educate yourself on pregnancy and abortion before making any decision and definitely give yourself some time to think about it. You don't want to regret something in the future but you also don't want to take on something you can't handle right now.

Since your Mom got pregnant young she will probably understand a lot better than other family members. It will be difficult for the rest of your family if they aren't supportive of your relationship with this man. But you know what, does that really matter? This is YOUR baby, not theirs. You are the only person that can make this decision and no one else should have any influence. Your body, your choice. *hug*

I hope you are able to find a solution soon. Let us know if we can be of any more help!![/b]


I hope things work out w/ your boyfriend and family... Good-luck and keep us updated.
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  #5  
June 30th, 2007, 09:35 PM
Star's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Congrats!!

As for talking to your boyfriend, give him a few days to let it sink in, then talk to him. My boyfriend and I definately were not ready, but once it sunk in, we were definately excited!
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  #6  
July 1st, 2007, 05:33 AM
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Hi, I would like to say congrats on the pregnancy....because no matter what it is a blessing as the other ladies have said. My biggest advice to you on you deciding what is best is put out the pros and cons. Like ask yourself what would you be more happier doing and what could you live with. This one girl at work got pregnant around the sametime I did (mine was planned hers wasnt) and she thought that if I could do it she could but her exboyfriend wanted her to abort the baby. So she followed his heart and not her own and now she regrets it and we don't talk anymore because she said she can't look at my son the same because all she feels is pain knowing her baby would been around his age. So follow your heart even if your going to do it alone because you are the one who will hold the pain and the what ifs in your head not your boyfriend. As for your dad I would just tell them, my dad wasn't very happy about me being pregnant either but I was 21 not like I was 16...I was a young adult and ready to take the responsibility and I think it scared him to know his little girl was no longer a little girl but a mature young woman....for parents it can be scarey but just tell them after awhile they will come around. My parents are great to myself and my child now. My mom was in the delivery room and cried. My dad came to get me from the hospital and has been a great Poppop. Don't be scared...even though mine was planned it was scarey because it is your first and you are entering the unknown. It is a life commitment though and it hasn't been easy especially now for me since I am doing it on my own, working, and going to school come August. So goodluck with your choices but do remember they are yours and yours alone if you don't feel right about aborting the baby don't do it because thats what the father wants. Just makes me sick like most girls will cut or keep their hair long because that is what the guy wants....NO you live your life yes he is a part of it but why do we have to always change ourselves or lives to please them!

Amy
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  #7  
July 1st, 2007, 11:24 AM
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If you want my sincere opinion, it sounds to me like you want to keep this baby and I really hopt that is what you decide to do. I understand that abortion is legal and you are pro-choice but it is also a HUGE decision and it is something you might end up regretting. My sister had 2 and is still so depressed over it.

At 9 weeks, you probably know, but your baby already has a beautiful beating heart...tiny arms and legs. He or she moves around and might already be sucking his or her thumb. Yes, this beautiful tiny life is a miracle and you get to be his or her mommy! This pregnancy might have been an accident but your baby is not a mistake!

I think that you sound like you are very mature and have a good head on your shoulders. You can still make all your dreams come true AND have your baby. Yes, it will be hard, you have some obstacles, such as the bi-racial thing, but that is just another challenge that you can overcome. We all have obstacles.

I hope your fiancee will come around. I would suggest being completely honest with him. If you decide you want your baby, please do NOT let anyone else influence your decision to keep your child. Just as abortion is your choice and yours alone, so is the decision to keep the baby.

One more thing- tomorrow is never promised. You never know what might happen in the future.
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  #8  
July 1st, 2007, 06:45 PM
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Hi!! I very recently went through the same thing as you so I understan how you are feeling

It does sound to me like you are willing to accept this and become a mommy! And quite honestly, I think the dad will come through too. And it may seem difficult to think about how your family is going to handle this, but just remember that hopefully everyone will remember there is a baby involved.

I decided to have an abortion when I got pregnant the second time, so I could understand why you would choose that too. Just take some time to think about it. But I really hope you decide to keep the baby, as it sounds like you are fully capable and are going to make a great mommy.
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  #9  
July 2nd, 2007, 03:07 AM
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Welcome to the board and congratulations on your pregnancy.

please please please do not let your boyfriend make up your mind whether to have an abortion or not. no one can make this decision for you and to be totally honest it sounds like you really want this baby. if you go against what you feel in your heart then you will resent your boyfriend and your relationship will end badly. if its what you want then go for it, no one can tell you to have a baby you dont want.

as for your parents, i think your mom will be very understanding. My father hit the roof when i told him first, and things werent great for a while, but i'm really close to my due date now and my dad wouldnt change it for anything. he worries about me and how i'm going to cope as a young mom, but he's so excited about the baby.
after all, a baby is a blessing.

i really hope you do whats best for you and that everything else works out. best of luck and keep us posted!
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  #10  
July 2nd, 2007, 04:13 AM
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Firstly, Congrats!!

I JUST turned 21 at the beginning of June. I am married, however, we were certainly not trying to have a baby, and our relationship was not in a healthy place. Definitely not a time that I would have chosen to create life, but alas, we did = ) I cried for the first two weeks.. my husband didn't "push" the idea of abortion, but continually reminded me that it was an option to consider

He's over it. I'm definitely over MY jitters, though it sounds to me like you have way less than I did. And coming from my recent experience, it only keeps on becoming a more pleasant thought.. not vice versa. If you're okay with the thought of having the baby now, then odds are.. in a few months, you'll be even happier about it. (I was told this repeatedly and considered it stupid people not understanding my situation, and whether or not they did, they were right. I am so beyond thrilled at this point.)

Here's the thing.. it sounds to me like most of your reasons for not having this baby are about other people. In the end, all that matters is YOUR choice.. and it's certainly not worth giving up something that you think you could want just because they don't approve.

Your boyfriend will get used to it. (my husband did.. though it did take some time and some threats of ending our marriage. hah.) But you never know what the future holds.. you can't absolutely count on him to be there. Ask yourself if this is something that you could do on your own if you ABSOLUTELY had to.. and if the answer is "yes", then you'll be just fine.

If you decide to get an abortion (and this is SO preachy, but it's what I was told when I was considering it, and I have to wholeheartedly agree) you need to get it done now. People that wait disgust me. It is absolutely YOUR choice. And if you decide to do it, then no judgement is placed on you by ME.. but if you wait..... that's a whole nother story. People that wait right up until the last legal second are seriously doing something wrong in my humble opinion. (though there are extenuating circumstances, of course)

You sound like an intelligent, well spoken woman with a good head on your shoulders. The decision that you make will be right.. I just want to offer you a "good luck". (and if you're going to keep it, head over to the appropriate DDC, because those are sooo much fun)

oh and p.s.- lucky you.. mixed babies are always SO gorgeous.. count me as jealous = )
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  #11  
July 2nd, 2007, 06:15 AM
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Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I can only tell you that my SO tried to talk me into an abortion quite a bit at the beginning of this pregnancy, which could not have come at a worse time for us.
Now he regrets ever saying those things.
As for your family, they will eventually come around. This is a new thing. My father was not pleased and didn't show any indication of excitement until he took a belly shot at 20 weeks.

I hope whatever decision you do decide to make feels right to you.
Good luck!
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  #12  
July 2nd, 2007, 09:16 AM
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Okay, first of allcongrats on your pregnancy, it is a blessing!

And I want to tell you that you definitely CAN do this. DF and I are much younger than you (I'm 16, closer to 17 now, and DF is about to turn 18). We've been dating for the most part of 2 and a half years, I found out that I was pregnant in January and it was a huge shock to the both of us (we were going through a bit of a rough time and were actually on a break at the time, although we were planning on getting back together). We didn't get back together right away because we wanted to be sure that we weren't doing so just because we were having a child together, but about a month later we did. I told my mom about the pregnancy and she was so understanding, she had me at 18. DF wanted to be the one to tell my dad because he thought it was the respectful thing to do (just like he asked permission before proposing, he's a sweetheart ) My Dad was shocked, upset, disappointed and mad all at once. For a while he wouldn't even speak to Mike. Now all of that has blown over and he's so excited.

For a bit we tried to decided what to do about this baby. We considered both abortion and adoption, along with keeping the child. Neither of us really wanted abortion (we're both quite pro-life), but adoption was definitely a considered option. Mike pressed for it at first because he didn't feel ready to have a child at 17 (who does?) but then we really sat down and talked about it and by the end of it he was in tears. He decided that he knew he'd regret giving this baby up and it just didn't feel right to him. Now, he's so excited, he's going to be the best dad...

He's going to college in September and I'm living with my parents for my last year of high school. Then, as the plans stand now, I'm moving to his city and working for a year. Then, when he's finished college (2 years from now) we're going to get married and then I'm going to go to college.

Well, I said all of that just to show that it can be done. You really need to consider this, if you decided on abortion would it be something you regret in the future? Honestly, to me you sound like you'd like to keep and raise this child. You can't let anyone, even the father, make this decision for you. It's you that has to live with the choice, no one else.

You sound to me like you'd make a great mother and I truly hope you decide what's right. *hugs*

As for the grandparents before 40 thing... My mom will be 36 and my dad 35 ... The baby's great-grandmother will be 58!

Wow, sorry it's so long...
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  #13  
July 2nd, 2007, 02:59 PM
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Congratulations on your pregnancy!

As mentioned above, give him sometime for it to sink in...
Also agree withthe one who said that if you feel that you are ready and you ar ein for this...remember it is your life (PERSONALLY) and what you feel RIGHT NOW (you in singular) is very important to your future.

Also, I am meant to understand that abortion can AT TIMES have negative consequence on the woman to an extent that when a woman later gets ready to have a baby, they are unable due to the long term effects...

I wish you thebest on your pregnancy!

Pros and cons discussion and thought is also pretty important...you might abort to save your relationship and later something else comes up, later...after the irreversible abortion.

Definately TALK TO YOUR MOM. tell her as it is PLEASE. She is one of the few people in this planet who have your best interest at heart. The sooner you speak with her the better.

Please keep us posted.
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  #14  
July 2nd, 2007, 06:58 PM
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I was lurking and wanted to reply to your post. I cant imagine being in your situation, and having so much to think about. I REALLY think if you had an abortion you would regret it. DF Im sure will grow to want the baby as the pregnancy goes on, and if he doesnt SO WHAT, it sounds like you would do just fine on your own, and if he doesnt stick around then that isnt the type of guy you want to be with anyways. I hope this doesnt come off as lecturing but as many have and will say you two created this life and need to take the responsibility, I say that meaning, you want to keep the baby, so he needs to respect that and step up as a father and hopfully soon as a husband. Like the other ladies have said this is your choice and you daughter or son, so it doesnt matter what anyone thinks, dont worry about that right now, concentrate on what you think is best for you and your baby. Once the pregnancy progresses everyone will come around anyways

GL hun
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  #15  
July 2nd, 2007, 07:17 PM
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I am just tossing this out there, What about adoption? That is a baby inside of you and there are a ton of people who would die to raise him or her. Being a mommy is putting something before yourself and if that means giving it up to a loving home or deciding to keep it when the time comes then that could be your choice. Which i am sure by then you would be in ahhh with the idea of raising your child that is growing inside of you.
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  #16  
July 2nd, 2007, 07:24 PM
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Your situation sounds like a combination of the two that I have had in this lifetime. I chose to end the first pregnancy. I made my choices and I have to live with them. I knew that having the child would have been the worst possible idea and even though it's hard to forgive myself for not having that baby, I couldn't be who I am and where I am now if I hadn't. I had to do what was right for me. The bottom line was that I knew that I didn't want to be tied to the baby's father forever and that I would have had to take care of the child alone if I had had it. I couldn't put either of us through it.
I'm pregnant again and I didn't plan this one either. What makes it different is that I am with someone I love, and am more emotionally and financially able to care for the child. My grandmother is on the fence about the fact that he is of a different race from me too. She's just going to have to deal with it because those are her issues, not mine. We are the ones who have to go to sleep next to our men, live with our men and love our men.
Listen, you just have to do what is right for you. If you have an abortion just for him, you will probably end up resenting him later, as was said before. You're the one who has to live with your choices, no matter which you choose. You don't want to end up doing something you'll regret, be it choosing to keep the baby or terminate.
Good luck in your choices. You're not alone in this.
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  #17  
July 3rd, 2007, 07:02 PM
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First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for their input and advice. (World of help!!!) I know it's weird, but it seems so much easier to take advice from strangers than family and friends. I mean, my friends either say what I want to hear, or they tell me how it affects THEM. (For instance, the friend that I spend the most time with wants me to have an abortion because having a baby would "limit our party time" and "ruin all our plans for turning 21 this year". She even went so far as to borrow the money from her parents for the abortion after I told her that I might be too far along to have an abortion by the time I get the money together.)
I set up an appointment for the abortion, but that's NOT my final decision. Actually, after reading all the messages that everyone left, I'm leaning more towards keeping my baby. I get more and more attached to it everyday. And it just gets harder and harder to think about going into a clinic to kill my baby...a baby that could someday be an amazing friend, leader, just an amazing person in general.
As far as the "friends" or family members that may not support my decision... It's definitely MY decision. And nobody is going to regret it more than I am...and nobody is going to have to spend the rest of their lives with the weight of the decision on their shoulders. (The other night my boyfriend and I were weighing the pros and cons of abortion vs. baby and one thing he said was, "Well if we have a baby, then when we're 90 we'll still have a kid. It's not going to just go away." And I replied, "Well when I'm 90, I still had an abortion. I still killed what could've been my first child." He had nothing to say...)
As far the adoption thing: All of my reasons for having an abortion were basically short term or because I don't want to tell my family that I'm pregnant. If I were to carry the pregnancy to term, everyone would know that I'm indeed pregnant and all those "very important" short term plans would already be ruined. So there really wasn't a need for adoption. I'm definitely supportive of adoptions though!!!
In the end, I think it would be slefish for me to have an abortion because:
* I can financially support the baby (on my own, if needed)
* I am old enough and mature enough to understand the weight of my decision.
* Every reason to have an abortion involves someone else. (I.e. My boyfriend, my friend, my dad...) But I never said that I want an abortion because of how it would affect me. (Light bulb just came on!!!)

So I say I need to cancel that appointment and make one for a prenatal doctor...it'll be the first of many. (I hope!!!)
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  #18  
July 3rd, 2007, 07:27 PM
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Totally lurking in here...but I just read through ALL of those posts and then your final one and I just had to say...

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Your final statement on how you've never said that you wanted an abortion because of how it would affect you is priceless. That light bulb must've really sparked on!!!

I happen to be pro-choice since there are sooo many reasons why I think some people should have a choice if they were pregnant. In your case, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, a mom who will help in your decision if perhaps you talked with her just as you have talked to us here, and things will work out well for you and your little baby. A baby changes your life forever and in my opinion...it changes for the better.

Good luck, stay strong and stay true to who you are!!!

(and stick around JM...we have great DueDateClubs and other boards too!)
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  #19  
July 3rd, 2007, 07:42 PM
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Good for you hun!! You definitely can NOT let anyone tell you what to do w/ your body and your child. I'm glad you made the best decision for yourself!
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  #20  
July 3rd, 2007, 08:52 PM
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I am so happy for you! Come join us in the ddc, you are most likely in the same one as me, jan!
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