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I've been trying to figure out how to phrase my question for awhile, but I am right now so annoyed at the baby's father that I thought I'd just ask.
My boyfriend and I are both in our 30's and have jobs. We've both had some rough patches recently, but nothing too terrible. In the beginning of August I started to feel weird and took a test. It (and the next 3 ones) came back positive. I made an appointment for planned parenthood and told my boyfriend about it. He didn't have a real great reaction to it, but I figured it was just shock and I could sympathize with that. Well that test was positive too and now I need to go to the OBGYN and get it confirmed thought I'm about 110 percent sure I'm pregnant.
My problem is that my boyfriend is really not reacting very well at all. A couple of weeks ago he was just moping around and acting like all of this was a cruel trick on him (not by me, but by God or something). Today he flat out said he didn't want a kid. He asked what I thought and I couldn't even speak because I wasn't sure what was going to come out. I guess my question is is there a "typical" way guys act? How did other people react when their boyfriends/husbands weren't very supportive? Any input anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. At this point I really don't even want to talk to him anymore because it just stresses me out.
Mine was very confussed and upset--but not technically mad. We had only been together about a month and a half when I found out I was pregnant. He didnt think he could raise a baby. We were in college and could barely pay rent. He came around though. He knew I was keeping the baby and he had 2 choices--be a part of the babies life or not--it didnt matter if he wanted to be with me or not, at that point we were playing our relationship by ear. It took him about a month to really accept it. He was never mean about it but he didnt really talk about it for a while. Now he loves his son more than ever, we are married and are expecting another one.
My fiance (then bf) cried when we found out I was pregnant and I had never seen him cry before... he was really sacred and didn't think we should keep it at first. After only one day though he told me that he had thought all day about having the baby. From then on he was 100% supportive and we are now getting married and have a beautiful DD whom we love very much!
Although some men are "jerks", I believe men and their lack of support stems a little deeper than just not wanting to be fathers. Ok, that came out a little wierd, but maybe this will help.
My husband and I are expecting our 5th in December. He wasn't too thrilled when the doctor told us the news. I was in shock as well, but what do you do? Let it sink in. My hubby is absolutely a wonderful father, spends every minute with the kids. He has no regrets whatsoever.
He said many times, "that's it, I'm getting fixed". Or, "I can't believe this, where are we gonna put this one". I was a little disappointed in his reaction, but then I realized what it was all about. He was showing signs that I have read about. He was actually worrying (I think) about his part. How is he supposed to support this family of soon to be 7? Will he measure up? How does he split his time amongst all 5 kids? That really made me realize what was going on. I never said anything to him about it. And now, there is no concern at all. He is back to his normal self, talking about when the baby comes...reading the baby name book, he is actually getting excited about this. Our oldest is a girl, the other 3 are boys, so he was absolutely ecstatic about this one being a girl too.
I think men just have so much fear inside of them, but they are tought to be the tough guys, don't let things get you down. And the denial is just a cover up. I think the majority of the men will get over their "fears" and be just fine. It just takes a little time. Just let things go as normal for a little while, don't speak about the baby, go back to the regular routine you had before. I bet after a few days or weeks, he will start to talk about it.
With a woman there is that instant connection...there is a life growing inside of you. Men don't have that instant connection. Back when I was 12 weeks preg I was having bleeding...pretty heavy too (sorry if that is tmi). Anyway, when I called my dr they told me to go directly to the ER. I had a m/c previously and this is the same thing that had happened then. I was so scared that I was going to m/c and I was crying. I called my dad to come pick up our DD and me and DH when to the ER. The entire time we were there I was VERY emotional. At one point DH looked at me and said "I don't get what the big deal is, if you miscarry we will just try again" I couldn't believe that he would say this. Thankfully all was o.k. with me and the baby. Later DH and I discussed what he had said in the ER and he said that he just didn't feel that connection yet....yes he is excited about having another baby...yes he wants another child....yes he will love the child but he just isn't "connected" to the child yet....he didn't understand how I could be that "connected" to something I haven't seen or held yet. He said that with our daughter it didn't seem real to him until the first time he held her in his arms.
Sorry this is so long but I hope it helps.....Your BF will probably become more connected as it gets closer and more real to him.
I can share in the situation that is very similar in many ways. I have a fiance that lives in Oregon at this time, for which we were planning on moving in together down there (I'm in WA) next year and transfer with my work. We both have had numerous conversations about how we do not want any kids for 2-4years after we are to marry next year. Well, there is a change of plans.
I started to feel really ill in july, and was VERY irratible. My fiance even had a really bad feeling about it and bugged the heck out of me after mentioning that I was a few days later for my period (which is not normal-since I'm on BC pills and happend to miss one after my menstural cycle). He talked to me every day and was very depressed sounding (well, more bummed), and told me he had been thinking about it alot and he wanted me to get a test to see if I am or not. I totally denied it since I felt like I was about to have my period (small cramps, etc). He was very sharp when we talked and reminded me that we do not need this now, as I said the same thing since I have a 2 year old already and really wanted to wait a few years and have been ad dilligant with BC pills as possible.
Well, I'm pregnant and he was speachless at first, but is better now.
It depend upon the guy, but I agree with the guys dont have other guys to talk to like we can call our friends and talk to them about it-not to mention the first time dads.
We are expecting our third baby and this was very unplanned...we thought we were done and my DH did not react well when I told him. He didn't yell or anything, but he didn't want to talk about it at all...he just need time to deal with it his way.
Today, I'm almost 17 weeks and I still don't think he is overly thrilled with the idea. But as previous posters have said I think it comes more from the fear of how do I spread my time, my money, etc even more thin? Also, he doesn't have that connection with the baby yet. He is supportive when I'm not feeling well, but still isn't overly excited about the baby. And to be honest, even with our first two, he wasn't really excited until the day the baby was born.
Wife to DH Chad
Mom to Becca 1/14/96, Sara 12/11/00 & our Suprise #3 blessing EDD 2/26/05.
My b/f is being an absolute jerk about it. He told me last night at dinner he feels trapped, and im gonna get my way and leave him and get child support which is farthest from the truth. I was on b/c and got pregnant and im not very happy about it, but im making the best of it. He on the other hand isnt. He makes such mean comments all the time of me being "knicked up" and makes me cry all the time. He about broke my heart last night.Ive been with him for almost 2 yrs....so its not like we just got together.he didnt even ask to go w/ me 2 my first u/s apptmnt, didnt ask how it went, and didnt want to look at the pictures. You shoulda SEEN how i reacted the saturday he went to the club...o man not a place for a guy who has a preg g/f at home waiting for him. GUYS DONT GO TO THE CLUB TO DANCE, THEY GO TO PICK UP GIRLS...im not stupid
Ethan Michael 4/13/2006 8 lbs 12 oz 19 inches
Hunter Evan 7/29/2010 9 lbs 1 oz 20 1/2 inches
~Having a baby on my chest being serenaded by my beating heart is nothing short of amazing...~
My DH has always been happy when we found out I was PG, there was nothing but joy in is first reaction. After that then the worry and the issues set in. He would start to stress about how he would support another child.
Sam 13, Hannah 11, Gabriel 7, Emma 6 and Brayden 2
Give him time I know its hard because you need the support, but once he sees an ultrasound, feels the baby move, you start showing, he will start to feel something for the baby. That was the way it was with my SO, we were just graduating from university and he felt like his life was over....but now he is in love with our unborn baby, its hard at first because all you can see is how your life will change and what you have to sacrifice and you don't have the reward in your arms yet.
Thank you everyone for your input. I didn't speak to my boyfriend for a couple of days, just because I couldn't deal with him. We finally did talk and I told him what a selfish person I thought he was being. I also finally told him I didn't plan on having an abortion (I'm not against them in general, just for myself).
We talked and he is going to stand by me. I think the baby was just an added stress to him at a time that he was already super stressed out. I'm trying to be understanding, but I did tell him I couldn't worry about him and stress about him.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed everything will work out and I'm trying to keep my stress level as far down as possible.
My husband (then fiance) was in complete shock. When I told him Monday night that the at-home test I took was positive, everything from "We're not ready for this" to "Should we keep it?" came out of his mouth.
The next day I went to my OBGYN to have the pregnancy confirmed, and found out that I was due on March 22nd. When I got home and he asked about what happened at the Dr, I told him it was really positive, and we were due in March.
As soon as there was the reality of a timeframe involved, he looked at me and said "So we're doing this?" and I just nodded, and we knew we were doing the right thing.
Now he rubs and kisses my beely every night. He's completely in love.
Obviously it didn't take much time for him to come around, but he did and so will your guy!!
Scared at first, but soon after happy. Adoption and abortion never came up, and that was never an option - he is dead set against either of those. He is so cute sometimes. When I wake up in the morning and start getting dressed, he will sit up and hug me around my middle, and put his ear against my belly to hear the heart beat. THen he will tell the baby "I love you, baby," and kiss my belly. *le sigh* This man is so sweet sometimes! He realizes that a lot of things in his life (behaviors, etc) must change before the baby comes. He does not want to be like HIS father, so it's kinda scary for him, but he's thrilled all the same.
Well when I went to my husband with our pregnancy test, he thought he was being cute by asking "Who's the father?" I looked at him, didn't say a word and walked away. He was running to catch up. He apoligized perfusely. I was reading on one of the threads about the "connection" that we have, they don't. I feel that is very true. My DH didn't really start talking "baby" until he saw ultrasounds, heart the heart beat and now can feel the baby kicking me in the guts. I don't leave for work without a kiss from DH and he lifts up my shirt and tells Annika bye also. It's very sweet coming from "Mr Macho".
Holley~ Mommy to Annika Lily (12/28/2005)