[MamaKateof4]

I am new here, and I am 25. I have three kids from a previous marriage that live with their dad (I had a bad breakdown when we got divorced). I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I plan to marry next summer, which gives me three great step kids (who live with us). I am pregnant with a little girl due Jan 28.

I was in a relationship just prior to this one and got pregnant just after the ex and I broke up (its the ex's baby) and I was pregnant when my fiance and I started dating.

I am having a lot of issues dealing with this pregnancy, and feel a lot of resentment and sadness.

I am still having a hard time getting attached to the baby. Everytime I start to actually think about her, I push the thoughts away, its like I can't control it. I am wondering whats wrong with me, why I won't let myself love her or get attached ... there's even been times (I feel awful and evil admitting this) that I have honestly considered giving her up for adoption ... I can't actually imagine doing that but I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind.

I want to cry at the thought of this baby sometimes, I mean, I can't even think about labor or what life after she is born will mean, I am so detached and in denial I think still.

I am still avoiding maternity clothes and often forget that I actually am pregnant (until my tummy hits something or she kicks). I haven't bought anything for baby, and kind of get nauseated at the thought of actually looking ...

I know that all these feelings and thoughts are wrong ... I just can't stop pushing away anything that could be positive about her ... but I am afraid to go to a counselor and give the ex a reason to be able to take her away from me, does that make any sense?

Its like I am afraid to love her. I am so upset right now, I don't know what to do. I fight crying over this beacuse it feels so entirely stupid. Like, how can I not love her, she's my daughter, but it makes me so sick ... I feel dirty for even being pregnant, and especially with his kid. It would be so different if she were my fiances. He acts like she is, but in the back of my mind ....

I called the OB to ask for a counselor referral and she referred me to a special counselor in this area. I don't know what to do, and I feel like most people have never really been in this situation, I just feel so lost ... I am scared cause I know I love her but I just can't ... I remember what I was like when my son was in the NICU ... and thats how I feel now, like I'm not really pregnant and she's not mine. I feel kinda dead inside, you know?

I feel so alone, and I love her, but I am just afraid, afraid that I might lose her in some way.

Anyways, there is my story. I feel so alone.

Kate

[1shortmomma]

Your detachment sounds like it is your mind trying to prepare you for the worse. Especially since you already have children that live away from you. I think you are just scared that this will happen again. Has the ex even mentioned wanting to have custody of the baby? You may want to discuss it with him to see what his thoughts are....he may not even want to have custody of the baby. You compared it to thoughts you had when your son was in the NICU...They try to prepare you for the worst and it does sometimes make you feel detached...like you don't want to fall in love with that child for fear that he or she may not make it. I have had 2 children in the NICU...one sadly died at 2 weeks. The other (my daughter) is now a healthy little girl and will be 4 next month!! Anyway, maybe talking to your ex will help with the detached feelings. Talking to a counselor may help as well. Your ex does not need to even know that you are doing it or why you are doing it. Also, I am sure that the first time you hold that baby in your arms all those feelings of love will fill you and you will love this baby. Some people just don't really feel attached their baby until he or she is born....especially in an unplanned situation.
Keep in mind this is just my personal thoughts and interpretations. It may or may not be correct but I hope it helps.
I wish you the best of luck in copeing with this unplanned pregnancy.
Please keep us updated as we worry about the women that post here and never post back to let us know how they are doing and if things are going better.