We pride ourselves on having the friendliest
and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment
for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers.
If you have any problems registering please drop an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!
I am so very, very lost. I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 19. We've been together 18 months and were planning to get married and have a baby in two years. He had been living with me for over a year at my parents place so that we can go to college. About 2 months ago he started drinking after he was forced out of a job he really loved. In November he completely lost it and we broke up. He left that night and went back to his parents. I was a complete wreck the entire first week and missed several of my birth control pills. I didn't think of them, I didn't think of anything I just cried and slept all week. Well after we'd been broken up for six days we had sex (I know, I know.) Afterwards we talked a lot about what we wanted. He said he didn't want to break up in the first place but did it because all the problems his drinking is causing. He also admitted he had started smoking pot the week before we broke up. We agreed sex can't happen again until we are officially back together. Well that night he went out and got trashed again, so everything we'd talked about earlier that day pretty much blew up. It just made things much worse. about 10 days ago I told him I'm pregnant and he flipped out. He came back within an hour and we had a calm talk, he said he wants to be there and involved. I told him I wouldn't keep him from his baby but I don't trust him anymore and he could never take the baby. His parents are both abusive so I would never let the baby go there in the first place, even if we got back together.
The thing of it is, in the summer we both thought I was pregnant and he was so happy. When we found out I wasn't, he was completely devestated. For weeks I had to keep telling him, "the test will be positive when it's right. Don't worry, it'll happen one day." I mean, from the first month we started dating he was already talking about marriage and children. We have names planned and everything long ago. In September he said he wanted to get married in the spring. And now the drinking has turned him into a stranger. He's erratic, paranoid, moody and way overly sensitive. He swears up and down that he hasn't taken meth or anything like that but his behavior... actually my cousin's ex-husband began acting in a similar way when he was about 20 and ended up being diagnoised as schizophrenic. He is from an alcoholic and absuive family. My family is very much the opposite of his and he was accepted in by everyone right away. So the entire family is so worried about him. It doesn't matter how much we talk to him. He's turned away all of his friends, convinced that they are out to get him. One of our friends called him yesterday to see if he'd go icefishing today. He completely flipped on our friend, and then an hour later when they talked he was fine and calm. Until last Friday he'd been telling me he still loves me, still wants a future with me, and everything. We haven't talked since Friday, although he tried calling Saturday and I ignored the call. Because I keep giving in and I know I am enabling him to continue this behavior and I'm giving him all the power. We haven't talked because he blew up when I told him what the reality with this baby is going to be if he doesn't stop drinking. He knows if he doesn't stop this behavior, I can't take him back. And he has admitted several times that although he knows he's hurting himself and doesn't like what his life has become, part of him doesn't want to stop. No matter how much I love him and want to be with him I can't if he's like this. I do want him back, even after all the things he's done in this last month.
Everyone is worried that because of the stress he's causing me, that I will miscarry. I just... I'm so lost and even though I have all of my family and friends supporting me, I feel alone. I feel so depressed and like I can't even enjoy this. I'm really worried for myself and my baby because sometimes I feel like there's no reason for me to keep going on. I love him so much and I know he still loves me, but sometimes that's not enough you know? Even knowing he has a baby on the way, a baby he's wanted so much, isn't enough to make him stop. He tells me that he's worthless and that I would be better off if he was gone. That I should find someone who can take care of me and treat me right. He thinks even if he gets better that after what he's done, we won't be able to repair our relationship. So he doesn't even want to try and get better because he doesn't believe in himself at all. And now that he's back with his parents everything is even worse. His mother is very emotionally (and has been physically) abusive. I just want to kidnapp him and commit him or drop him off at rehab. But he won't go. He tells me how miserable he is but how much he likes drinking. I know I can't allow him around our baby if he stays this way. Before all of this started, you couldn't have found a more trustworthy, loyal, sweet and caring person than him. And two months of drinking and he's destroyed both of our lives and everything we've done in the last year and a half to build our life together. I don't want him to destory our baby's life either. I really don't know what I'm looking for here, I guess just to tell someone who isn't involved.
Sorry for this being so long. I'm just very scared right now, for our baby, for him and for myself. I feel like I've done everything I can to help him and there is nothing left. I was thinking about maybe trying to get an intervention for him but since I'm not his family yet, I don't know if I can do that. Thanks for listening everyone.
When I was with an ex, we had a pregnancy scare. He was so disappointed that I wasn't really pregnant. Fast forward 9 months and he's drinking and doing drugs (which I REALLY do NOT approve of). We had another pregnancy scare. He freaked out. I do understand.
Because I keep giving in and I know I am enabling him to continue this behavior and I'm giving him all the power.[/b]
I'm glad you realize this. However, as I'm sure you know, realizing it and stopping the behavior are two entirely different things. I think you have the right idea with not answering his calls right now. Ignore him. Hope it knocks some sense into him. He is obviously placing more importance on drinking than on you or this baby, so right now it's just not healthy to be with him or even talk to him, for that matter. I'm sure he'll come around..
as for being stressed, I had the same concerns. Big drama in my marriage (I'm 21.. my husband is 25). I found out that he had been cheating on me ONE WEEK after we found out that I was pregnant (he hadn't been cheating on me for a few months, but I didn't find out until then. Terrible timing. Yes, he's a jerk for doing it.. but that's another topic for another time). Needless to say.. it was a rather stressful time. Libby, however, is just fine (my daughter). My husband and I are okay now. We worked through it (though it's not been easy). And it's not a GOOD idea to be stressed while you're pregnant.. but worrying about worrying will just make it all worse.
Take some time to yourself. Is there any chance you can get away for a little while? Do you have relatives in another town/state? Friends?
I am wishing you all of the strength you can muster.. because I know that is what it takes when you need to stay away, but you really don't want to.
ouch, alcohol and drugs before family, story of my life Alls I can say is the men I know with those problems have never changed and wont change so I have to accept it. When it comes to any addiction, there is no help or rehabilitation for it until the individual wants to change 100%. I DO know people (that dont have a family) that were addicted to heavy drugs and no longer are, so there is hope. But I wouldnt expect it. Its only been a couple months, hopefully its just a phase and doesnt grow into something permanent. There was a point in my life where my friends were worried I was turning into an alcoholic. I barely drink now. Big difference between men and women, we are able to recognize consequences and think about our actions more thoroughly than men. (generally of course, not 100% of situations)
dh would kill me if he found me writing this but he had a pretty bad drinking problem while we were pregnant too. i was devastated and sad most of my pregnancy. he would go out all night and not come home a couple times. he fell asleep on the kitchen floor a couple others... when our daughter came, everything changed. even though she was sick and we fought a lot a didn't drink any more. everybody said it would happen that way, honestly i didn't believe them but it worked out. i wish the same for you.
First off, I'm sorry things are going this way right now...
You've gotten good advice so far and all I'd have to add to it is to look at what he does...not what he says. He needs to grow up and get help...but you're right that he'd have t be the one to go...you can't make him.
I wish you all the best and I do know what it's like...once alcoholic tendencies start...it's like a whole other person you never knew existed...and they're nothing ike the person you fell in love with