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this is going to sound really, well there is no other way to put it, awful, bad, mean, evil... and if you think less of me that's okay i'm to the point i really don't care... but i am sooo angry at this baby. i am bordering hate some days and i can't seem to get passed this.
i know that there are a lot of women who would kill to be in this position, and why it didn't happen for them god only knows but i can't escape the fact that this was a unplanned pregnancy. i can't get up the determination to take care of myself. my excuse is that if this baby survived through 2 months of BC and various (not to excess) alcohol drinks and herbal remedies then it can survive anything...
dh is not so happy but he's hoping for a boy. i, on the other hand, have this feeling i can't shake that there is something terribly wrong with this baby, deformed or mentally retarded or something... is this my denial?
i realized the other day how much i was looking forward to my dd turning one so i could go back to work. so we would have extra money for curtains, a kitchen table, a actual bed, toys for my dd... little things... it has been about 2 years since i have had ANY new clothes, makeup or anything to myself.
i am giving up before i even start i guess. should i even tell my midwife about all this? she won't baker act me or anything will she? i'm not crazy, i just don't understand why all this is happening and don't know how to get over being so angry about it.
You have every right to feel this way. I can't imagine being strapped down with another baby right now.. or any time soon. I can definitely see how it would be stressful and lead to resentment. No judgements here.
I would definitely talk to your midwife about some of this. Firstly, I'm SURE your baby is fine.. I can't even begin to tell you how many babies have been just great through a lot of drinking during the first few months. Hell, when my aunt was having children, her doctor flat out TOLD her to go home and drink a glass of wine to help her unwind. Secondly, don't forget that you're within the confines of the time in which you'll be having all of those crazy pregnancy hormones.. that could definitely be adding to all of the stress. There could be many things she (your mw) could help you out with.. she might also be able to assuage some of your fears.
No matter what, don't ever feel like you can't come here to vent. We've all been through ALL of these emotions. I can't even BEGIN to tell you how upset I was when I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter.. and if I didn't want people to judge me for feeling that way then, then I certainly won't judge you for feeling this way now.
My last little offering is this.. it's so hard to see the forest from the trees.. don't forget that this difficult time is ONLY a few short years.. and then they'll both be in school and you'll have more time to yourself. It seems soooo long (trust me, I understand.. my daughter is only 2 months old and I already wish she wasn't a baby anymore sometimes) but it really is nothing but an insignificant amount in the entirety of a lifetime.
sweety, I think it is perfectly UNDERSTANDABLE that you'd be feeling this way. An unplanned pregnancy is a HARD thing to come to terms with, because it effects the rest of our lives, and can cause us to miss out on something we'd previously planned (ie for me I won't be able to study full time at uni for the next two years)... I'm sure that once you start coming to terms with, and accepting your pregnancy, your feelings will begin changing.
I think you SHOULD mention it to your midwife, I can guarantee you won't be the first client of hers who has felt this way, and having someone else to talk to might really help...
thanks girls, for making me feel not so crazy. now that my dd is not so sick i have been looking forward to the future with her and feeling more confident after all those month of not feeling confident at all. and now it just seems like i am back at square one again. no starting my BA no going back to work... it's so hard to come to terms with. thank you girls again, i mean it.
I think that's where we are lucky in having 9 months. It takes that long to get used to the changes that are coming. Remember, too, that hormones don't help (If I could circumsize my husband all over again, I would. I'd like to just beat him these days).
That being said, I wanted to tell you something I went through. I was a SAHM with #1 and 2. I was MISERABLE! I wanted so much more than what I had. Even though we barely break even with me working, the fact is, I am a much happier person. The kids are happier, too. Maybe finding something to do outside the home would help?
I am thinking of you!
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
Hi, I'm popping in from the July '07 PR. I hope you're feeling better. My girlfriend didn't find out about her pregnancy until she was a few months along. She had been drinking (a lot) and enjoying a few recreational herbs and freaked out when she got her BFP. Her son is 18 months old and perfect! I'm sure your baby is healthy and happy. I'm sorry this is so stessful for you. It took me 4 years and 6 cycles of Invitro Fertilization to get preggo with my son. I don't understand the feeling of unplanned pregnancies (though I did freak out a few times in my early years before I knew I couldn't get pregnant) but I do hope you find a way to be happy about this. I am a stay-at-home mom and it is very stressful. No more new clothes, hair appointments, going out to lunch... I'm looking for a way to make money from home. My friend gets paid to run the MySpace for Annies Whole Foods from her home! Why I can't get a cake job like that is beyond me! Sorry, I'm rambling because I just looked at my credit card balance this morning and choked so I'm in a panic now. Any who, my point is maybe you could find a home based job to make some extra cash so you can spoil yourself a little. Everyone deserves it. You really need a little treat, it might help with the new baby. Good luck to you!!!!!
Brandy & Jason happily married since December 4th, 1998
6 rounds IVF before our BFP!!
DS Jacob Robert is the love of our lives!