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am I a pessimistic or an i just seeing my reality


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 4th, 2008, 09:28 PM
Ashley Marie's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Mount Pleasant Michigan
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i just found out i was pregnant about a week ago and since that day i informed my boyfriend and he completely freaked out. he told me i was getting an abortion no matter what and fought me for it until last night. so this last week was pretty much like this... supportive friend hanging iwth me during the day and me being completely happy and excited to... getting yelled at by him every night and crying the moment he left all night until i fell asleep (where i had nightmares ) i dont know it was really stressful and i debated abortion but i just couldnt live with myself if i did. but anyway last night he did a complete transformation. (keep in mind we are both young 19/20) he said he talked to his mom and she was completely supportive. so he all of a sudden was amazingly attached and the thought of abortion completely left his mind. i mean he went to my doctors appointment today and all of that and he kept asking me about names and such. as much as this seems like a good thing... i feel like its just giving me false hope because the moment i mentioned anything in the future....he pushed it off and kept saying we will figure it out later. and yeah i realize that you dont need to know everything, but today i mentioned that we could move in together next semester instead of him keeping his lease with his friends and he was like no i cant do that ....and i was like okay . and then he goes on and on about how hes gonna teach his child this and that and then in the next sentence him telling me that hes gonna live with his friends and finish school.... obviously i realize he needs to finish school but ummmm what about me? lol not that its all about me but he wants to be there for his child but doesnt care where im at or living? i told him that i would probably go back to my home town where my family is and hes like yeah that could work but we will figure it out later. i dont know if its because i am trying to think tooo future or if really hes not going to be there and right now hes just excited because it is change???? is anyone else going through this....
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  #2  
January 4th, 2008, 11:30 PM
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Jax Jax is offline
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okay this is definitely a tough one. I would be feeling exactly like you. I always push to know what is going to happen in the future and be able to have set plans.. especially when it comes to a baby.

But...

As much as you DESERVE answers to all of those questions right this very minute.. he also deserves to have a little bit of time to get used to the idea of being a dad and all that entails. OF COURSE you want him to finish school.. but living together and raising a baby together kind of go hand in hand.

I say give him a week. Two at tops. Don't mention anything at all. Then, sit him down when you're both in a great mood and explain with rationalizations how you feel about the situation. Do not explain with emotions. (example.. a good idea would be to say something to the extent of "I think it would be a good idea for us to be living together while we raise this baby. That way I can watch him/her while you're in school, and I can also get some help. It will also give both of us adequate time to be near him/her and bond with him/her".. a BAD idea would be to say "Well we're in love and I want to be a family and settle down.") Guys think with their heads, not their hearts when it comes to situations like this. My theory is that it's the main difference between guys and girls. Do not make this conversation a long one. That tends to annoy them. Get your point across and then drop it.

As tempting as it might be, I wouldn't push him for an answer even then. I'd give him a month to mull it over. If it helps, talk to him with his mom there.. sounds like (every other guy) he's a momma's boy and her opinion matters a lot to him. While that's not always a good thing, it certainly wouldn't hurt to use it to your advantage.

If he still doesn't want to be a "family", I absolutely would not get mad at him (at least not to his face.. it's fine if you're furious in your head.. we all would be). Instead, act as though you're setting plans for the way that he wants things. Set a deadline for when you'll "move back home". Start to set up a visitation schedule. Tell him YOUR plans for the future (not with the baby.. with your life). Most guys like knowing that you're not depending on them for happiness. Discuss your plans for school and what you'd like to be.. where you'd like to live. So on and so forth. Do not, under any circumstance, make it seem like you're going to be sitting home waiting around for him.. that'll just further his choice to still be on his own.

After hearing all of this.. he should be getting the picture that you're worth a hell of a lot and he's going to have to fight to be a good dad and boyfriend (perhaps someday husband).

If all else fails, get a little mad. Tell him it's time to grow up. YOU DID NOT GET YOURSELF PREGNANT. He obviously had QUITE the hand in it. Do not hesitate to tell him this.

From your siggy, you look beautiful. You sound very level headed. You will do just fine, I'm sure.. and I'm glad you decided to keep the baby. We all went through the "well it WOULD be easier to get an abortion.. but I said I'd never do that." stage. Trust me.. in the end.. it's all worth it = )

And for the record, my husband (who is 25 but acts like he's 12) and I (who was 20 when I got pregnant and 21 when I had her) are both in school, and working full time (well I will be in a week or two again..). It is definitely possible, though it's not always easy.

GOOD LUCK! Keep us updated = )
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  #3  
January 6th, 2008, 03:15 PM
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Wow Jax! Heck of a plan! I'm the same way - I like to have a plan, figure out what needs to be done and get to it. I don't know if in this situation you can really plan WITH him just yet though. Maybe the realities haven't sunk in for him yet and he just needs some time. I hope so. In the meantime do what you have to do to ensure you and your child are in the best position possible with or without him. If/when he comes around, great! Don't let him off the hook though! It's as much his responsibility as it is yours, but without the actual baby inside them I think guys are able to be way more nonchalant about it than we are.

Good lucK!
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  #4  
January 7th, 2008, 06:02 AM
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wow jackie had some great advice there!! Though I don't have advice for you, I just wanted to say I'm glad that your boyfriend came around and I hope things work out for you guys!
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