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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
January 9th, 2008, 06:54 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 22
Hi
tomboy (30 yo), new forum member here


I just bought 2 tests .. period 5 days overdue .. somewhat scared to do the test ..

I kept thinking my period will come any day, since I feel slight cramps as if it would start anytime, now I am a bit shocked to read that some women have this feeling when they get pregnant.

I am still not sure if I want a child at all. During my entire childhood I've sworn myself to never have a child, in my teens and 20s I was therefore very careful with birth control but in recent years became aware of the bad side effects the pill had on me for years (depression) and I did not want to take it anymore. I started getting used to the thought of maybe maybe having a child some day within the last year or so, but not like I really wanted to.

Have a relatively new boyfriend (31 yo and from different ethnic background) for a few months now, and he had a girlfriend for 10 years and told me he is sure he can't have kids cause they never used protection during 10 years and his ex never got pregnant and she saw a doc and he told her everything was fine.
I still got him to use protection and told him he can't think that way, it could have been his GFs problem, but as it goes, sooner or later it was skipped and I was being reassured again that he is so sure he can't have kids and I shouldn't worry.

He told me a few times though how much he would like a child, in particular only a boy.

I am financially secure with my own business and my main concern about having a baby is my personal freedom, choice of where to live, with whom and what I am doing. I am an only child and lived alone for many years. I need to be alone a lot, I am not really used to even live with someone or be responsible for someone, it would stress me out. The thought that I would need to take care of a child for so many years, 10, 15, 16 whenever it gets independent .. is really scary, I could never be alone, just move or change my lifestyle when I feel like it.

I lived in many different countries for years at a time and liked that freedom of choice. I worry about things like whether I will want to be with this BF forever (only my 2nd one right after a 1 year relationship) or whether I might fall in love with someone else, causing a difficult life to the child and everyone involved if I had to leave the father.

Apart from that I am scared of giving birth, damage to my body (tearing, stretchmarks, getting permanently fat), not being able to do my favorite sport during a pregnancy and who knows ever again.

I am worried cause it would be unplanned and wouldn't be a perfect pregnancy cause my body is not in an optimal condition right now, I woudnt have started to take this folic acid before conceiving like I read one should ideally do, I am a perfectionist in many ways.
I would be worried cause my BF told me he only wants a boy and the dates we had unprotected sex are probably not the ones that would make it a bit more likely to have a boy .. if I would want a child I would rather like to plan it and start over with a good general fitness level, vitamins and timing to get a boy.

I am worried also because I don't know a single thing about babies, never even held one, never knew anyone who had one, never even played with a kid, never been exposed to kids apart from the memory of having been one once myself, never babysitted, etc .. I am not even good with any types of kids, don't know what to do with them or say to them usually. I hate kids on the bus/plane crying, it annoys me when my cleaning lady brings her kid with her, I really don't particularly like children and am worried I would be a bad mother, also since I don't "need" a child to take care of me later, as in security, because I am economically well off already. So maybe I wouldn't care good enough for a child and be rather egoistic like I usually am.

I am also scared, if I do the test and it is positive, to tell my BF, cause then it's kind of irreversible, since he wants a child, I could not abort it he would be so sad and probably hate me a lot, so I have to be very careful I guess cause telling him destroys my choices.

Then on the other hand I think I should be happy, with 30 years I don't have much time left and I also wonder if I might regret one day not to have a child although it might be hard to imagine now.
Maybe I should be happy that I have a BF who really wants a child very much, while others don't have a BF at all, don't know who the father is, or have a BF who doesn't want a child. Maybe I should be happy that I have all the time in the world and money, don't have to work much at all for my own business, could focus totally on the child and not worry about money.

It's very difficult to decide what to do and I will do the test soon, maybe tomorrow morning, even though the instructions say anytime of the day is fine.


Anyone is welcome to comment on what a wrote about my situation.
I would particularly be happy to hear from anyone who had the same concerns and is in the same situation and how it turned out in the end, if they love their child even though they have a lot of money and are egoistic about their time and lifestyle, or if they neglect it and leave it with nannies all the time.
If a BF who really wanted a child in the beginning has turned out supportive or if some BFs change their minds into not wanting a child later on and not helping.
Did you regret having a child because it took a toll on your body? Did you hate children when you got pregnant and yet decided to have yours?
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  #2  
January 9th, 2008, 09:33 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Virginia Beach ,VA
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I am a lurker here , my first son was not planned and I was 18 then . I was wondering if took your test and then I see you have your tickers up so I guess it was positive? I hope all goes well and I hope you can adjust to this. Babies are a great thing but a big responsibility .All these women on this form are very good and will give you a great advice! I wish you a H&H 9 months !
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  #3  
January 9th, 2008, 09:41 AM
Deanna in CA's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: San Diego, CA
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First off, take the test. Donít be scared. You need to know, because there might be changes you will need to make right away. For example, if you are pregnant you may want to cut down or out your caffeine intake. Its been proven to cause miscarriages.

So if it tests negative, you may come to realize that you really do or do not want a child. The answer might surprise you. Think about it long and hardÖyou may never get this opportunity again.

Right now youíre not sure if you want children. Sure now is not the ideal time, but the timing is NEVER perfect. You can never have enough money, have enough family around, have the ideal relationshipÖbut trust me, everything always works itself out. Women are very strong, both mentally and physically and I believe thatís why we are mothers. Iím not sure if your religious, (Iím not practicing myself), but God wouldnít give you anything you can not handle. For one reason or another it was meant to be.

Yes, your life will change when having a baby and that change isnít easy at first. Iím not going to lie to you, EVERYTHING changes. You canít go out drinking any more, you canít travel like you used to, your only break is at nap time - lots of changes. However, the good news is it gets easier with time and having a baby will bring a love into your life that cannot be matched by anything. No Joke, you will NEVER feel this love w/ any thing else. Also, to know that you now have a family to call your own (even if itís the two of you) is an incredible feeling. This family will hopefully be with you until your dying days. I still miss my personal freedom from time to time, but I wouldnít trade it for my son. In retrospect it really not that important. I had a lot of fun in my 20ís. Now its on to bigger and better things.

As for the BFÖand he wants a boy. He will deal with things in his own way. Remember itís a shock to him too. Give him time to let things sink in. The gender predictors are only right 50% of the time. Hopefully he will support you a 100%. If not, this isnít anything you canít handle.

Well youíll have to update us and let us know how things go. Life is a roller-coaster thatís for sure. Enjoy the ride!
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  #4  
January 9th, 2008, 10:46 AM
Danica's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 4,478
Hi Tomboy. I just wanted to say Welcome from the Sept DDC.

I can see you are very afraid of this life changing event. Speaking from my own experience, I personally never wanted kids either. When I turned 26 I eventually changed my mind and started TTC but I tell you I was terrified once I actually found out I was pregnant (same as you, how my life would change, body, etc). Pregnancy and motherhood is a scary thought because it is unfamiliar territory but it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I just fell right into the roll. Your body does change during pregnancy but in a great way and after I was able to shed my pounds pretty easily with just a couple stretch marks that I am proud of! You sound like you play sports and are active so you know that you can get back to your preshape with just a little exercise and time. You know what is funny? Now all my friends look at me with my son and say, "I remember when you didn't want kids, you said you'd never have them" and I actually get irritated hearing that now. It's like I don't want to ever admit that I didn't want kids because I enjoy being a mommy so much.

You can feel free to lean on us or vent with us or laugh with us whenever you feel ready.

HUGS,
Danica
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  #5  
January 9th, 2008, 11:05 AM
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Quote:
Apart from that I am scared of giving birth, damage to my body (tearing, stretchmarks, getting permanently fat), not being able to do my favorite sport during a pregnancy and who knows ever again.[/b]
I can PROMISE you that I am not permanently fat. haha. I'm only 2 months out of having Libby and I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight.

I am also a perfectionist. Incredibly independent. I did not want children. And my husband and I are in the process of divorce. So, as you can see, it's still perfectly possible. And now that I have her, there's no way that I would change things.

You still have freedom. I've seen more than one independent woman raise a child.

As for him only wanting a boy.. my husband only wanted a boy.. but is completely over the moon for Libby. Dads tend to be closer to little girls, and moms closer to little boys. He may be convinced that he wants a boy now.. but no matter what you child turns out to be, he'll be thrilled. I promise.

Good luck. Keep us updated.
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  #6  
January 9th, 2008, 07:02 PM
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Location: vermont
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if u exerice and eat right, u wont get fat.. i never took vit before trying to get pregnant, and all my babies are heathly. and there is lotion to help strench marks. and depending on what u do for sports u can still do them. soccer would be out, everything dont have to end just cause u are haveing a baby.. its a blessing
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  #7  
January 11th, 2008, 08:53 PM
mrsdismang
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Apart from that I am scared of giving birth, damage to my body (tearing, stretchmarks, getting permanently fat), not being able to do my favorite sport during a pregnancy and who knows ever again.
Congrats on your BFP. But like others have said, being pregnant does not equal getting permanently fat. Who told you that? Do they not have fit mothers where you have lived?
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  #8  
January 11th, 2008, 10:48 PM
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Posts: 22
Good point mrsdismang, my worry about putting on too much excess weight that I might not be able to lose probably for a good part comes from my mum who I remember blamed me for being fat herself since she gave birth to me on multiple occacions while I was still a child. She was unahppy with her weight for years, complaining that before she got pregnant with me she wasn't fat and now she is, etc .. And she is not the only woman who blames her weight on having had a child.

I have a nutritionist and I used to do bodybuilding for a while so I know a lot about reducing bodyfat and optimal nutrition (and I seriously think this site needs a forum especially for nutrition and one for exercise), but I just don't know to what extend I can try to limit calorie intake safely and to what extend I can exercise to reduce bodyfat while pregnant and if not to reduce then to prevent from putting it on.

My sport which I used to do up to 6 hours per day is Thai Kickboxing, which includes getting kicked, punched and kneed especially in the abdomen, thrown to the ground, jerky movements, etc.
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  #9  
January 12th, 2008, 05:22 PM
OpheliaLoved's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Ohio
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Hi Tomboy! I trained in judo and shotokan karate before my first pregnancy (long story short, I miscarried, but not due to my training) and the doctor told me that I could still participate in some training. Obviously sparring/fighting is out because it does involve a lot of situations that are harmful to the baby. Also, no high kicking. I minimalized the amount of punching I did too, since the power comes from the abdomen, but the doctor said as long as it isn't painful it would be okay. I still jogged and lifted small weights with my classmates and practiced kata. So your sport isn't entirely out. In fact, after the baby comes, it'll be a great way to shed that baby weight!!! Just make sure you don't fight or kick (I know, thai KICK boxing, but you should be able to participate in some of the training!) A lot of the women in my class had children and continued to train after having them.

Good luck! I hope you find peace with your situation no matter what the test results are! Let us know when you take the test!
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  #10  
January 13th, 2008, 04:27 PM
Showbiz's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I hope I can be of some help.

I was 29 when I conceived and had my first child. My husband and I were control freaks and everything was completely planned. I am a horse trainer and riding instructor, so of course, my midwife wanted me to quit riding. I rode through my 36th week of pregnancy.

I had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to parenthood for the first 6 months. I was convinced she was going to mold into my life, which was at the barn working. She did, for the first few 4 months or so, for the most part, although the lack of sleep made those months difficult too. After that, she didn't care to sleep all day, so being in the stroller or pack and play while I worked wasn't working. I did some soul searching and cut back on work (and being self-employed and completely competative, I knew this would completely change my career). I've had to change my life to accommodate hers. She just turned 2. I would do it all over again a million times over. My job has changed, my life has changed, and I'll have to rebuild my career when I get more time (though in the mean time, I'm only working about 3 or 4 hours a day and have a waiting list for business). There are days I wonder where I'd be in my career without her. But I never, ever regret giving up my prior life for her. It's temporary. I know I'll wish for today when she turns 18. So I'm just going to roll with it and enjoy it. I'm much more lenient in MANY ways now. I'm a better person because of her. In fact, we are planning to TTC again in the spring. It terrifies me, but I know it will work out just fine.

My body bounced back easily. I had lost all the weight within 6 weeks. I wear bikinis. I do work out, as it makes me feel good. I don't have any stretch marks, though my belly button is bigger than it used to be! I may get stretch marks with the next one - who knows. It will be worth it. I know it will.

Children teach you to be less you, and more child-like. You very well may enjoy it!

Have you tested?
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