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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  #1  
March 4th, 2008, 04:57 PM
Mommy2Addy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My pregnancy was completely unplanned and ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been bothered by who the father is. In the beginning I was going off initial instinct and my own perceived timeline. I had been having irregular cycles, so that threw things off a bit. And with the way things worked out there was only one person who could have been the father (I'll call him A).

Well, after my first appointment my due date changed from what I thought it was and according to the doctor I had a regular cycle the month I conceived. So obviously the timeline of when things happened changed. Which means that there's a second guy that could be the father (I'll call him C)...maybe anyways.

Let me try to draw a more complete picture of the timeline so maybe someone can help me...
My LMP was September 28th 07
According to my doctor I conceived on (or around) October 12th (where I originally thought it was October 17th)
I DTD on October 5th with C
With A I can't really remember exact dates we DTD, but I thought maybe October 16th or 18th

So you can kinda see with the original conception date I could believe it to be A, but now think that it is C. But can that work? DTD on the 5th and conceive on the 12th...7 days later? I did read a couple places online that sperm can live up to 7 days, but only if they make it into the fallopian tubes.

Another thing that's puzzled me is that C sent me a text message a few days before I took my home test and got the BFP and told me about a dream he had about he and I having sex and then me telling him I was pregnant. He had no idea at the time that I was wondering if I might be...and it was him telling me his dream that actually made me go get a test.

Since then I've wondered why the heck he would randomly have a dream about that? And now I think it's because he's the father and he just had that connection with what was going on.

The problem is that I told A (and C) that A was the father. Not that it makes any difference on A's part because he wants nothing to do with me and I haven't heard from him since. But what if it is C? Do I tell him I made a mistake and I think it's his? I mean, I know that would be the right thing to do because if it is his he would have a right to know...but there's a complication.

C is engaged to another girl. I met him over 3 years ago while he and this girl had broken up (but got back together shortly after). But he never could give up seeing me too...as wrong as that may be. They've had their problems, but things seem to be going ok for them right now...and I don't want this to hurt them (and I know that it would most likely end their relationship...of course it would be up to C to tell her, I never would). When I told C about actually being pregnant (he was the first one to know) he was concerned that it was his and expressed that he was worried because things were going good with his GF at the moment. But I assured him it wasn't his (and honestly thought it wasn't).

I'm sorry this turned out to be so long...I just don't know what to do and could really use some help. I've been struggling with this the last few days since I've really started considering C as the father. I mean, to be honest I hope it is C and not A...for my daughter's sake. C is such a great guy (and if it weren't for this other girl I could have seen the two of us in a serious relationship) and I know that if I tell him and she is his, then he would actually want to be involved! Any advice on what I should do?
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  #2  
March 5th, 2008, 07:34 AM
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When did you have your first ultrasound and what was the due date they gave you then? Usually, an ultrasound done between 8-12 weeks is the most accurate within a + - 3 day error rate.
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  #3  
March 5th, 2008, 08:26 AM
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Okay.. if I were you I would pretty much assume that it is A's child. Especially since your cycles are a little off. (that "28 day cycle" is actually pretty rare.. so that being your conception isn't very likely.. ESPECIALLY with a history of irregular periods).

It sounds to me like you would just rather that it was C's child.

Now I don't want to judge. I am no better or worse than anyone else. I was once "the other girl" though it wasn't knowingly. I know it can be hurtful on your side of things, too. BUT having a husband that cheats on me ALL OF THE TIME, I can tell you that it is VERY wrong to be the other girl. It just is.

Now, without putting my emotions about THAT into play..

There's no possible way that he's a great guy. I'm sorry.. you don't cheat on anyone if you're a great guy. I know in your head you'll think "Oh but he is.. this is different" but.. oh he's not.. and it's not. Hard times or not, it just takes ONE phone call to call up your girlfriend and say "Hey, it's over" then you can be free to screw whomever you please.. but to cheat on a woman (or a man) is pathetic and all those that do it are weak minded and extremely selfish. A man cannot be great if he is either of those things.

Anyway, back to my point. It sounds like you want it to be C's child.. but he's in a relationship. He's happy to be in a relationship. You already made the choice to tell him it wasn't his child. Let's face it.. it's probably NOT his child.. so it would be selfish on your part to take that back now. Am I saying that if it IS his child he doesn't have a right and responsibility to know? Absolutely not.. but you also have a responsibility not to mess up his relationship more than you already have for no reason.. so until you have one absolutely set in stone, I wouldn't act.

Now let's get to you. You don't want your child to grow up with a weak mom.. you are worth SO MUCH MORE than being just "that other woman". It's allowing him to own you, walk all over you, and degrade you to treat yourself as such. Don't ever settle for anything other than someone's full and undivided devotion.

Someday he and his girlfriend will break up. Their relationship obviously isn't healthy.. he's a cheater.. it can't possibly be healthy. But when they do, I urge you not to run to him. No matter how nice he is.. no matter how sweet he is.. he's proven that he cares very little for anyone other than himself. he doesn't care about you to treat you the way he has, and he CERTAINLY doesn't care about her to disrespect her in such a grotesque manner. You don't want to be in a relationship with a man that treats women the way that he does.

I know you'll think "the situation is complicated", but it's ONLY as complicated as he makes it. If he's really so unhappy that he must seek sex from someone else, he should just end it. Any decent person would just end it. The only thing that's complicated is that he is being too much of a jerk to do that. You can't possibly fathom what she must feel.. and you are partly to blame, too. If he didn't always know in the back of his mind that you would sleep with him if he was mad at her/felt bored, then odds are he wouldn't be cheating.. or at least he wouldn't be cheating with you. -shrug- that's just my opinion.

If you have any respect for yourself, or you want your child to grow up without feeling like cheating is acceptable, then the next time a man in a relationship approaches you, tell him you're not interested.

there's my 29384932 cents. Sorry. I went overboard. Kudos to all that have read this far.. lol.
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  #4  
March 5th, 2008, 09:11 AM
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Sorry hun but your going to have to wait for a dna test...

Either one could possibly be the father... they can tell you when they THINK you conceived. SO cross your figners and wait for a test after the baby is born.. or you could have an amnio and do it that way. I hope who you want is the father!
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  #5  
March 5th, 2008, 09:21 AM
Mommy2Addy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When did you have your first ultrasound and what was the due date they gave you then? Usually, an ultrasound done between 8-12 weeks is the most accurate within a + - 3 day error rate.[/b]
I had my first u/s on Dec. 20th and they gave me the due date of July 4th (so I was @ 11w 6d then)...which the doctor said was dead on with my LMP.

Now I want to address some of Jax's comments...

Based on what I just said above, I would take that as meaning it was a fairly regular cycle. I guess I should have explained a little more about the whole irregular cycle thing...they were slowly getting back to normal because they were irregular due to miscarriages (before which I was always regular).

And it sounds to me like for someone who says "I don't want to judge", you sure did a lot of it. Now I don't know your situation with being the "other girl" and you definitely don't know mine, but it just seems like you were projecting an awful lot of your issues with that onto me. You made a lot of hurtful assumptions in your post, although I will admit you made a couple good points.

Sorry, maybe it's the hormones...I was just really hurt by the things you said, which did nothing to help the situation. I said in my post that the situation with C was wrong...I don't deny that. But that's kind of besides the point here. I never said that I agree with it or that I'm comfortable with it...in fact I've talked to him about it several times before. I know I could make the decision not to see him at all (which I try to, I haven't seen him since this has happened), but he's a good friend. And he is a good guy! Since when does being a good person mean that you have to be absolutely perfect? He's made a few mistakes, so what? That doesn't make him a bad guy. Trust me, I've dated worse...heck I was married to worse! At least he's not violent, a drunk, or abusive. And he's not a cheater...he has cheated, yes, but I believe there to be a difference. And let me explain why...a cheater constantly goes out looking to have sex with several different people outside of their relationship. Someone who has made the mistake of sleeping with one person a couple of times does not constitute a cheater. It's like the difference between an alcoholic and someone who just drinks occasionally (not the best analogy, but it fits).

I'm not sure why I feel the need to go on about this. I guess I just get a little defensive when someone attacks me or people I'm close to. Sorry.
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  #6  
March 5th, 2008, 04:59 PM
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Even if they said you were right on with the ultrasound, one that late will usually be off by at least a little bit. Is she measuring big now? Unfortunately, ultrasounds are only really accurate right there at the beginning.

I hope that I can convey that I was ABSOLUTELY not trying to hurt you. I wasn't judging you as a person, but rather the situation. And trust me, I did so without applying my emotions about my husband. (You would NOT want to see the post if I did so, haha. I get rather heated about how I feel.)

Firstly, I am not saying that "C" isn't a good person in general.. I mean he isn't a good person to be in a relationship with. (period). I'm sure he has great attributes, but not the kind you look for when dating someone.

You may say that there's a difference between someone that has cheated and a cheater, but my response to that is why don't you ask his girlfriend and see what SHE thinks about that? (I'm not literally suggesting you go ask her, mind you.. but metaphorically speaking, rather.) If a man cheats, then he is a cheater. That, by definition of the word, is the only truth. If a man gets really trashed and hooks up with a girl once, I could see someone forgiving him. Would I? no. But it's forgivable. However, to do it more than once simply proves my point.

I don't want to sound harsh.. but every "Other woman" seems to think she is somehow the exception to the rule. Every single one. But you're not.. i wasn't.. no one else is. If a man is cheating on his girlfriend it is NOT because he cares about you. It is NOT because there is some underlying emotion and he's really a wonderful man. No, it's because he wants some and he knows where to get it. It's sad.. it's depressing... but it's true. A man cheats because he's horny. A woman cheats because she's unhappy. If he really cared about you at all, he would have dumped her and given you a real chance. But because you've let yourself become the "other woman", that's always how he will treat you.

Having said that you haven't been with him since this all happened is kind of pointless.. obviously nothings going to happen.. you're pregnant.

I don't think badly of you as a person, and no, I don't know the whole situation.. but if I could tell you one thing it would be that you deserve so much more than he can give you.

Could he make a good friend? Probably. But because the two of you already crossed that line, it just doesn't seem like a realistic concept to me. Take my words as you will.. but at least consider them.
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  #7  
March 5th, 2008, 06:40 PM
Mommy2Addy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Even if they said you were right on with the ultrasound, one that late will usually be off by at least a little bit. Is she measuring big now? Unfortunately, ultrasounds are only really accurate right there at the beginning.[/b]
Actually no, she is still measuring right on schedule.
Quote:
You may say that there's a difference between someone that has cheated and a cheater, but my response to that is why don't you ask his girlfriend and see what SHE thinks about that?[/b]
I still would say there is a difference between someone who cheats and a cheater. I have been on both sides, I've been the other woman and I've also been cheated on and I still believe there is a difference.
Quote:
I don't want to sound harsh.. but every "Other woman" seems to think she is somehow the exception to the rule. Every single one. But you're not.. i wasn't.. no one else is. If a man is cheating on his girlfriend it is NOT because he cares about you. It is NOT because there is some underlying emotion and he's really a wonderful man. No, it's because he wants some and he knows where to get it. It's sad.. it's depressing... but it's true. A man cheats because he's horny. A woman cheats because she's unhappy.[/b]
I don't think I'm the exception to any rule and never said that I was. You are still making assumptions. You believe that you can fit all men who cheat into one neat little category because they are all the same...but they're not! I'm not trying to make excuses for him or anything like that. But he does care for me and he cares for his GF too. Is it so hard for people to believe that someone can care for more than one person intimately? He doesn't cheat because he's horny...he gets plenty from his GF. It's just that his GF and I provide different types of intimacy. And I can honestly say that if the situation were reversed and I was his GF and he felt he needed a different kind of intimacy from someone else, I would be fine with that if that's what makes him happy. I would prefer to know about it though. And I can say that because I've been in a relationship like that before and it made our relationship stronger.
Quote:
Having said that you haven't been with him since this all happened is kind of pointless.. obviously nothings going to happen.. you're pregnant.[/b]
What is that supposed to mean?? He's wanted to get together.
Quote:
Could he make a good friend? Probably. But because the two of you already crossed that line, it just doesn't seem like a realistic concept to me.[/b]
Again, I'm not quite sure what that's supposed to mean. We are good friends. I'm not saying that if he and his GF ever break up I'm going to want to get into a relationship with him. There was a time when I would have and I do care about him...but he's not someone I would marry. And no, it's not because he's cheated and I think he would do it to me. I have my reasons and won't talk about it with anyone but him.

And I'm leaving this whole thing at that. I'm done talking about him and this aspect of the situation. It's gotten completely away from the point of my initial post. Luckily I posted my problem on other boards and got some good advice. I'm going to talk to C and let him decide where we go from here in regards to paternity (and his GF)...and just hope that he's going to be supportive (which I'm fairly certain that he will).
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  #8  
March 6th, 2008, 11:40 AM
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No offense, but you're saying all of the things that a person in that situation usually does.. and therefore you kind of "fit" into my box.

I think you're making a mistake. I'll be perfectly honest. As the host of this board, I feel it should absolutely be a place for no judgements, but I'm not making any. Like I said, I'm sure you're a wonderful person and that he is too. If you would feel fine with your boyfriend/husband sleeping with someone else then that is your choice.. but it's not one you can make for HER.

Good luck and I hope you figure out who the father of your child is.

I only said the things that I said because I think you deserve more than he is giving you/can ever give you. The end. And I do think it's truly unfair to do that to his girlfriend. Maybe he feels the exact same way that you do.. that he can truly care about two people.. but it's not just you and him that are involved in this situation...

-shrug-

no one is going to change your mind. You have your opinions and no reasoning/logic/or outside views will change that. I commend you on your resolve, but I still think you're being kind of foolish. I wish you only the best.
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  #9  
March 7th, 2008, 11:53 AM
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ok so I know you seem to have already made up your mind and could have already told C by now but I just want to add in my 2 cents anyway.. It really, to me, doesn't seem like a good idea to tell him. Would you go around telling people that you're pregnant before you take an hpt? No, because that's silly and doesn't make sense. Why would you tell people something you don't know is true. This is the same thing. Why tellhim the child could be his when you really don't know. It could be A's child, you just don't know. You said that he cares about his finance and they are working things out, so why would you want to mess that up? If you care about him at all you will let him be happy in his relationship. After your daughter is born get a paternity test done. If C is the father then he definitely has a right to know but right now you don't know. If you tell him and it ruins his relationship and then you find out the baby isn't his then you messed up the relationship for nothing. You shouldn't act on something until you know all the facts. obviously what you do is up to you and no one else but I really think you should at least consider what I'm saying before you tell him (if you haven't already) well that's all I had to say. Good luck with whatever you choose to do and congratz on the baby girl.
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  #10  
March 7th, 2008, 03:20 PM
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I have to admit that I agree with Rachel. I can't imagine how hard this is for you but you need to be patient.

I hate that these hormones make us so emotional. In my next life I'm coming back with a penis.

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  #11  
March 8th, 2008, 11:04 AM
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Hi Carlye!

I'm going to approach this without all the details and just assume you had sex with two men, A & C and you're wondering who the father is. What the situations with the two men aren't really important in regards to figuring this out. If you assumed it was A and told C you thought it was A... I think you need to wait until your daughter is born and then have A take a paternity test. If it isn't A, it's C... and then you can tell C so. If you've already told C it likely isn't his, and he's moved on with his life for the past several months assuming he's "off the hook" I would just leave it be. You made the decision to "clear" him... and I don't see any reason to drag him back in until you know it isn't A's baby. I can understand that preferring it to be C's baby may make you want to include him... but IMO, it's just a better idea not to.

Especially b/c right now you're going at this alone (I assume) and everything is kind of defined. I wouldn't want to tell C it could possibly be his baby as well and then have to deal with all the potential drama. What if he immediatly jumps into wanting to talk about custody and child support and this and that. It just seems like it may be more beneficial for you and your pregnancy to deal with the stress of this after Addyson is born.

I hope this situation works out the way you want it to.


ETA: looking at your dates alone, I would think it's A's baby. A perfect 28 day cycle isn't the norm anyway... and if it were, then you would have 7 days between dtd & conception, which is very unlikely. If you originally thought you concieved on the 17th, and you dtd on the 15th.. those dates seem MUCH more realistic. I'd definitely assume it's A.
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  #12  
March 12th, 2008, 08:24 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
When did you have your first ultrasound and what was the due date they gave you then? Usually, an ultrasound done between 8-12 weeks is the most accurate within a + - 3 day error rate.[/b]
I had my first u/s on Dec. 20th and they gave me the due date of July 4th (so I was @ 11w 6d then)...which the doctor said was dead on with my LMP.

Now I want to address some of Jax's comments...

Based on what I just said above, I would take that as meaning it was a fairly regular cycle. I guess I should have explained a little more about the whole irregular cycle thing...they were slowly getting back to normal because they were irregular due to miscarriages (before which I was always regular).

And it sounds to me like for someone who says "I don't want to judge", you sure did a lot of it. Now I don't know your situation with being the "other girl" and you definitely don't know mine, but it just seems like you were projecting an awful lot of your issues with that onto me. You made a lot of hurtful assumptions in your post, although I will admit you made a couple good points.

Sorry, maybe it's the hormones...I was just really hurt by the things you said, which did nothing to help the situation. I said in my post that the situation with C was wrong...I don't deny that. But that's kind of besides the point here. I never said that I agree with it or that I'm comfortable with it...in fact I've talked to him about it several times before. I know I could make the decision not to see him at all (which I try to, I haven't seen him since this has happened), but he's a good friend. And he is a good guy! Since when does being a good person mean that you have to be absolutely perfect? He's made a few mistakes, so what? That doesn't make him a bad guy. Trust me, I've dated worse...heck I was married to worse! At least he's not violent, a drunk, or abusive. And he's not a cheater...he has cheated, yes, but I believe there to be a difference. And let me explain why...a cheater constantly goes out looking to have sex with several different people outside of their relationship. Someone who has made the mistake of sleeping with one person a couple of times does not constitute a cheater. It's like the difference between an alcoholic and someone who just drinks occasionally (not the best analogy, but it fits).

I'm not sure why I feel the need to go on about this. I guess I just get a little defensive when someone attacks me or people I'm close to. Sorry.
[/b]
Thought I'd give my.02 ! I have to agree with Jax. Im not judging you but its reality: C is a cheater and will always be one. Dont think you will be the 'one' to change him. from what you have said. And im sorry to break it to you, but just because he cheated with one person does not make it better, nor does the fact that he has a good attitude. Thats like saying "this cake looks absolutely delicious but tastes like crap." You said he cheated and slept with ONE person a couple of times? Sorry but thats a conscious decision he made. He decided to cheat several times. So next time he has fight with you or his fiancee he is going to go sleep with another person several times then be like oops my bad! You can do way better than that girl, cmon! I may not understand your situation completely, but it sounds like if you are defending him which is so wrong! If my hubby cheated on my I'd be like get out and get out NOW! Im a Christian and adultery is zero tolerance in my book. I would forgive him but man it would take a long time to heal in order to take him back. I dont want to put my baby through that unneccesary drama! Now Im not trying to judge you as 'the other woman' because that is your own conscience, but Ive found the phrase 'what goes around comes around' to be very very true! I hope you make the right decision, and you probably wont know who the daddy is until you have a dna test. Good luck!
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