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Abortion "angels"


Abortion Debate

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  #1  
May 4th, 2010, 04:04 PM
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Recently I became aware of someone (in real life) who had an abortion. She had it because she couldn't handle the pregnancy emotionally. She was in her second trimester, I think around 15weeks. She considers this "baby" to be one of her angels. She puts this pregnancy on the same level as her previous miscarriages. She also planned the pregnancy and there was nothing wrong with the fetus. What do you think of this?

ETA: I ask because I'm not sure what to think, not because I'm judging, I just want to hear what others think from both sides before I decide what I think.
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Last edited by blondie-lox; May 4th, 2010 at 04:56 PM.
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  #2  
May 4th, 2010, 04:25 PM
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I am having a hard time understanding how she could not be "emotionally" ready for a baby when she tried for the baby and I am sure was very upset when she had a m/c previously.

The baby is not the same as a m/c, imo. Did she have a mental condition that would have affected the baby or something? This is hard to rationalize
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  #3  
May 4th, 2010, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cricket Master View Post
I am having a hard time understanding how she could not be "emotionally" ready for a baby when she tried for the baby and I am sure was very upset when she had a m/c previously.

The baby is not the same as a m/c, imo. Did she have a mental condition that would have affected the baby or something? This is hard to rationalize
This is what I think too. She was very upset about her previous miscarriage and said that she wasn't completely over that loss, which is some of the reason she terminated this pregnancy. She's a mutual friend of mine and had been TTC for something like 6-8months. She has no mental illness and has a stable job as a dental hygienist and her husband is a high school teacher, so I don't think it was a financial problem. I just don't understand it, which is why I'm asking because I'm trying to wrap my head around this to support my friend.
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  #4  
May 4th, 2010, 04:51 PM
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If she was upset over the m/c, doesn't she understand when her grief is over she is going to be truly overwhelmed with her termination of a perfectly normal child?

You don't have to understand or support her actions to be a friend to her. It would be truly hard for me considering I did have an abortion one time for selfish reasons but everyone makes mistakes so maybe you should be there for when she figures out this mistake.
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  #5  
May 4th, 2010, 05:06 PM
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Oh I'm there for her. I would never ever say anything negative to someone who's hurting, my stance on abortion has nothing to do with this. I know women are free to do what they want their bodies. I'm just confused, which is why I ask.
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  #6  
May 4th, 2010, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blondie-lox View Post
Oh I'm there for her. I would never ever say anything negative to someone who's hurting, my stance on abortion has nothing to do with this. I know women are free to do what they want their bodies. I'm just confused, which is why I ask.
I would be confused too and a little mad at her if I am honest with you. But you sound like a good soul that is only looking out for her
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  #7  
May 4th, 2010, 05:59 PM
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I'm kinda lost as well. I don't get it. I know m/c is really difficult emotionally or can be. I know this time around has been a lot worse for me because the subject is up front every single day, every single second for the most part. I'd much rather be pregnant, and as difficult as it is emotionally, I'd rather be pregnant then not right now.

I guess the only rational I could see is like PTSD. I could see the farther along in the pregnancy a person got, the worse the fear of something bad happening. However, I think that the staff at abortion clinic's, etc should be trained and women should be required to visit a psyc ahead of time to just have another set of eyes and not a spur of the moment "OMG" kinda thing. I mean, for me, I am an emotional mess, and had you asked me Friday or Saturday all I wanted was to TTC because the grief from the m/c was so great. But after a good cry and lots of talking with loved ones I feel fine. But in those moment the grief is just overwhelming and thinking rationally was not the #1 concern.
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  #8  
May 4th, 2010, 06:47 PM
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She doesn't sound like she's in a great place mentally. My total armchair analysis is that she was panicking over every little thing, thinking she was losing the baby, and decided there was no way she could live like that for the duration of the pregnancy. By terminating, she was in control, not nature. There was probably a huge, "whoa, not ready yet!!" moment (or several).

As far as how she regards the loss -- only she knows if the abortion feels similar to the miscarriage. Definitely sounds like she's really hurting.
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  #10  
May 9th, 2010, 04:48 PM
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There's something going on there. Maybe she's telling some people that the loss was not intentional? I don't have sympathy for that person. I support the right to DO that.. barely.. ick, barely. Ok, I'm actually not ok with a post-12wk or really post-8wk abortion on a whim. Two months is plenty of time to get it together or choose adoption. So I'd feel negatively toward this person based on that alone, and be completely unable to respect the sympathy-grabbing behavior. Sorry. I also would be really leery of reproducing with her again.. how does the father feel about this?
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  #11  
May 9th, 2010, 05:49 PM
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My guess, from not knowing her and not knowing many details, would be something similar to what Jess said, or the gal who mentioned PSTD. Maybe she thought she was over the miscarriage enough to try again, but when actually faced with the pregnancy she realized it was too much. That applies to A LOT of people.. people who go back to work after a trauma and realize they aren't ready to be there, or someone who experienced a sexual trauma thinks they're ready for a new relationship and finds out they aren't. I can apply that same logic to a pregnancy/loss situation as well. No one judges these people for realizing they were wrong, and that they aren't ready, and I don't think this mother should be judged either (I know you are not judging her, Laurel).
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  #12  
May 9th, 2010, 10:05 PM
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Well i'm part of a forum site (though I haven't been on in a few weeks) that is only for women who have abortions and many of them do have tickers in their profiles/signatures regarding their AB children as "angels". I do myself but would never do so on this site for obvious reasons. It helps them heal and in a way keeps that child alive to them. You can't know the case for every woman who had had an AB and to a good many of them these are their children. They just couldn't bring them into this world for what could be a myriad of reasons and I don't judge anyone for their beliefs. As for this woman in particular you are referring to I don't know what was going on her life, what was going on with her emotionally that was so terrible that would make her feel like abortion was her only option but if to her that baby was an Angel and it helps her grieve then so be it. It helps her and is really no ones business but her own. As for putting them on the same category with miscarriages I honestly don't know. They both hurt . For reasons that are different yet the same.
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  #13  
May 26th, 2010, 01:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jintana View Post
There's something going on there. Maybe she's telling some people that the loss was not intentional? I don't have sympathy for that person. I support the right to DO that.. barely.. ick, barely. Ok, I'm actually not ok with a post-12wk or really post-8wk abortion on a whim. Two months is plenty of time to get it together or choose adoption. So I'd feel negatively toward this person based on that alone, and be completely unable to respect the sympathy-grabbing behavior. Sorry. I also would be really leery of reproducing with her again.. how does the father feel about this?
Your post makes me very sad. What has happened in your life that has hardened you so greatly towards someone so obviously in pain? You don't have to agree with her (as I don't) to empathize that something REALLY wrong is happening inside of her emotionally that she obviously cannot deal with. I have had 9 pregnancies & I have 2 living children. I cannot fathom having an abortion for any reason personally. I have however been in the position of hitting rock bottom emotionally over loss & having a pregnancy that felt almost tortorous emotionally. Some days it felt like it would end at any moment & other times like it would never end & I would never be free of the fears I walked with each day. I can't understand choosing to terminate - but I remember wishing I would just hurry up & mc already or even wishing I wasn't pg a LOT while I was pg with Ds#1 (because I couldn't take the fears & anxiety any more) & then feeling guilty for having those feelings when I knew so many women - even women here on JM from the RPL board - that would have been thrilled to trade places with me. This woman took that to a level where she terminated a healthy baby and that says to me that her pain ran deeper than mine in some way or that she has to be lacking some sort of coping tool/support system or have had some other trauma playing into this. This is NOT a normal healthy response to having experienced loss. She doesn't need judgment she needs help. I am really glad you are not my IRL friend. Friend's need more love than that, even when you don't think what they did is "right".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beneath_The_Rose View Post
Well i'm part of a forum site (though I haven't been on in a few weeks) that is only for women who have abortions and many of them do have tickers in their profiles/signatures regarding their AB children as "angels". I do myself but would never do so on this site for obvious reasons. It helps them heal and in a way keeps that child alive to them. You can't know the case for every woman who had had an AB and to a good many of them these are their children. They just couldn't bring them into this world for what could be a myriad of reasons and I don't judge anyone for their beliefs. As for this woman in particular you are referring to I don't know what was going on her life, what was going on with her emotionally that was so terrible that would make her feel like abortion was her only option but if to her that baby was an Angel and it helps her grieve then so be it. It helps her and is really no ones business but her own. As for putting them on the same category with miscarriages I honestly don't know. They both hurt . For reasons that are different yet the same.
Personally I think it really is okay to list ANY angel as your angel. I used to get ruffled about it when I was a bit more raw about my own losses - but over time I have come to realize that I have no right to claim "pain" as belonging to me or anyone else exclusively. Likewise we all have a right to commemorate whoever we wish to commemorate. I have also come to understand that many women who have abortions do not want to do so but feel like they have no other option....and who am I to add to that pain by somehow claiming my losses as more valid?
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  #14  
June 21st, 2010, 06:53 PM
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I agree, I think there is something more going on. Perhaps she got scared b/c she hadn't had a pregnancy last that long, or maybe it became more of a reality. I know some women I have talked to get really nervous around the time the had a m/c. This is especially true if they have multiple losses or loses later in the pregnancy. In a way it may have been a blessing. If she couldn't handle the pregnancy there is no way should could handle having and raising the child.

I don't know her, but I know a few people that would lie all together about being pregnant and then say they had a m/c. I know this is very immature and I don't think it happens that often once one is grown, but do you think it is a possibility?
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  #15  
July 29th, 2010, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beck12 View Post
Your post makes me very sad. What has happened in your life that has hardened you so greatly towards someone so obviously in pain? You don't have to agree with her (as I don't) to empathize that something REALLY wrong is happening inside of her emotionally that she obviously cannot deal with. I have had 9 pregnancies & I have 2 living children. I cannot fathom having an abortion for any reason personally. I have however been in the position of hitting rock bottom emotionally over loss & having a pregnancy that felt almost tortorous emotionally. Some days it felt like it would end at any moment & other times like it would never end & I would never be free of the fears I walked with each day. I can't understand choosing to terminate - but I remember wishing I would just hurry up & mc already or even wishing I wasn't pg a LOT while I was pg with Ds#1 (because I couldn't take the fears & anxiety any more) & then feeling guilty for having those feelings when I knew so many women - even women here on JM from the RPL board - that would have been thrilled to trade places with me. This woman took that to a level where she terminated a healthy baby and that says to me that her pain ran deeper than mine in some way or that she has to be lacking some sort of coping tool/support system or have had some other trauma playing into this. This is NOT a normal healthy response to having experienced loss. She doesn't need judgment she needs help. I am really glad you are not my IRL friend. Friend's need more love than that, even when you don't think what they did is "right".


Personally I think it really is okay to list ANY angel as your angel. I used to get ruffled about it when I was a bit more raw about my own losses - but over time I have come to realize that I have no right to claim "pain" as belonging to me or anyone else exclusively. Likewise we all have a right to commemorate whoever we wish to commemorate. I have also come to understand that many women who have abortions do not want to do so but feel like they have no other option....and who am I to add to that pain by somehow claiming my losses as more valid?
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  #16  
September 5th, 2010, 01:46 PM
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That's just it.

We ALL have the days where we wish things would just end. Whether they be complicated pregnancies, sicknesses, stresses, and sometimes even our own lives.

If I decided to off myself because I couldn't take life anymore, I do believe most of the sympathy incoming would be funneled toward my family. I don't think everyone would be asking themselves just how they failed ME.


I'm glad we're not friends, too. But I am sorry that you have experienced so much loss in your life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beck12 View Post
Your post makes me very sad. What has happened in your life that has hardened you so greatly towards someone so obviously in pain? You don't have to agree with her (as I don't) to empathize that something REALLY wrong is happening inside of her emotionally that she obviously cannot deal with. I have had 9 pregnancies & I have 2 living children. I cannot fathom having an abortion for any reason personally. I have however been in the position of hitting rock bottom emotionally over loss & having a pregnancy that felt almost tortorous emotionally. Some days it felt like it would end at any moment & other times like it would never end & I would never be free of the fears I walked with each day. I can't understand choosing to terminate - but I remember wishing I would just hurry up & mc already or even wishing I wasn't pg a LOT while I was pg with Ds#1 (because I couldn't take the fears & anxiety any more) & then feeling guilty for having those feelings when I knew so many women - even women here on JM from the RPL board - that would have been thrilled to trade places with me. This woman took that to a level where she terminated a healthy baby and that says to me that her pain ran deeper than mine in some way or that she has to be lacking some sort of coping tool/support system or have had some other trauma playing into this. This is NOT a normal healthy response to having experienced loss. She doesn't need judgment she needs help. I am really glad you are not my IRL friend. Friend's need more love than that, even when you don't think what they did is "right".


Personally I think it really is okay to list ANY angel as your angel. I used to get ruffled about it when I was a bit more raw about my own losses - but over time I have come to realize that I have no right to claim "pain" as belonging to me or anyone else exclusively. Likewise we all have a right to commemorate whoever we wish to commemorate. I have also come to understand that many women who have abortions do not want to do so but feel like they have no other option....and who am I to add to that pain by somehow claiming my losses as more valid?
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  #18  
September 27th, 2010, 07:50 PM
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maybe she was afraid of having another m/c and the fear of it happening and going through it again was to much.
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